#316 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (29th January 2020)

Hello, welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let me put you to sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. And this is the third attempt to make a recording today. The third attempt, can you believe it? The first attempt was earlier.

I suppose it's going to be earlier, isn't it? And I was reading through the papers, trying to find some positive stories. And I was really struggling to find anything. So, you know, I wasn't really pleased with how it was going.

And I thought I'd find some funny stories or something like that. And then I got a knock at the door. And then I paused and then I went back and I just, I just stopped the recording 38 minutes in.

And then just now, I've probably been talking for about half an hour. And I realized that I'd not pressed the record button. Well, I pressed it, I paused it briefly, and then I thought I'd press record again, and I hadn't.

And that's not the first time that's happened in my life. It's happened many, many times. Especially, in the past, I used to record directly onto the computer, directly onto the laptop, through a microphone plugged in, and, you know, all that stuff.

And then the laptop would just shut down on me, you know, 40 minutes in. Or the editing software that I was recording onto would freeze while I was editing or while I was recording. Or, you know, it's just, it's just, so many times that happened.

And also recording these, there's been a few times where I've just been sitting and talking for an hour. And I realized I haven't pressed the record button. Another one, I remember I did it and I didn't have the microphone plugged in.

And there was the other time I did it and I realized that I was in the garden. No, that didn't happen. But it was just, oh, I did do one recording.

Honestly, I traveled, I traveled, I went into the middle of this countryside area. It's not far from where I lived, but it was a fair little walk. And I found this lovely little spot.

And it was surrounded by trees, but I could not climb inside, you just walk inside. It was this little space. And I was going to record a relaxation session.

But with the sound of the birds in the background, like natural birds, but not real birds. It was a lovely summer's day, probably in the afternoon, maybe a Sunday, I don't know. I can't remember.

Maybe Saturday afternoon. And I'm sitting there and it's all going really good. There's no one else around, no dogs barking.

I've managed to find a really nice quiet space. And then I get that feeling and I ignore it. I carry on.

And then I get that feeling. And this time it will not be ignored. I had to pack up my stuff and run home to get to the toilet.

I just needed it. And I thought, oh, I can't believe it. I've gone to all that hassle.

I think I might have even taken a chair with me, like a deck chair or something to sit on. And I had this equipment with me as well. It wasn't like a lot of equipment, but I was really, I probably had a bottle of water with me, possibly, I don't know, might have had a handful of sandwiches, a coconut or two, I don't know, maybe a board game to play.

The vase with some flowers, you know. I had an orchestra there just in case, because I didn't know if the birds would be there. I thought, well, if the birds aren't there, I can have the orchestra play a little bit of violin and, you know, just be nice, just nice and gentle while I'm talking.

But as it is, I didn't need them. I couldn't believe all those people, not one of them had toilet paper, anyway, or a bucket. So I ran home and, yeah, that's the whole story really.

Yeah, I had a few, a few things like that happen. But I'm not sure if I said, only listen, if you can safely close your eyes. And what's the other thing? Please subscribe to this podcast, so that you can be notified when the new recording is born.

And if you like what I do, leave a review on my website. You can leave a written review or a video review. And that'd be really cool, because it costs me $15 a month to supply that service.

And I've had a few reviews and some video reviews, and I don't want to lose them now, so I don't want to get rid of it. But as I said, it costs me money to have it, so please make use of it. And even if it's just, even if it's just to say how much you enjoy what I do, yeah, how wonderful I am.

Or you could just say how boring I am. Oh, how boring. You're so boring.

And if you'd like to support this free service, go to paypal.me forward slash JessenUland. The link is on my website under gift me in the menu. And that helps to pay the expenses for running this thing, because I can't really afford to do it myself anymore.

And I've got the time, I just don't really have the money. So I'm kind of rich time-wise, if that makes sense. And I like to think I'm making quite good use of my time when I'm able to.

But it's, the financial aspect of it isn't, I'm not pleading poverty or anything. I'm just saying, just being realistic. I'm on benefits.

And I don't know how much it costs me a month now. How much does it work out? 29, was it £27 for the broadband, which to be fair, wouldn't even need if I didn't do all this stuff online. But the website, the, and the, what is it? Spreaker, where I house most of my Facebook, most of my podcasts, I think it's $77 a month for that, which works out about £52, I think.

And then there's the website, which is, the website's $29. And then on top of that, there's the $15 a month for the review section. It's a bit much really, isn't it? But I think because people can leave videos, and videos are so powerful, such a powerful service, but I've also got a SoundCloud podcast as well, which is $12 a month.

So it all adds up. So yeah, I was trying to work it out the other day. I think I've spent at least £25,000 on this free service since 2006.

That's including equipment, advertising, I've done online advertising and everything over the years. As well as all the podcasts, all the websites, the domain names. And that's without the time.

I mean, if I set a minimum wage per hour for the amount of hours I've spent, wow, that'd be a huge, huge amount of money. Yeah, wow. That's £15,000.

Yeah, that'd probably be about £100,000. So £15,000 a year. I easily spent 40 hours a week, probably a lot more than that over the last 15 to 14 years.

So yeah, so it's well over, if I was got paid a very minimum minimum wage, I've been around £180,000. Probably with that and the expenses. But the expenses that I've paid out about £25,000 plus, which I'm fine about because it's been worth it.

It's just interesting. And that's over a long period of time as well. If that had been over one year, then, well, clearly I've got, I must have a lot of money in the bank.

I could spend £25,000 in a year to offer something like this, but it's been worth it, I think. But yeah, I know I'm never going to recoup that. And I don't care about that.

But just to cover the expenses, that'd be nice. Never bothered me when I was working. When I was working, didn't care.

I was happy to pay it. But as time's gone on, I don't want to pay it anymore. So I posted on my Facebook page, an invitation to my 50th birthday party.

Yeah, I know I don't sound 50. Have a look at my picture. I know I don't look like a ferret.

That's not me. That's Andre. Can you imagine someone looking and saying, oh my God, he looks like a ferret.

No, mind you, but I am quite hairy. I've got definitely a bit of a beard going on at the moment. And I invited, I put a little invitation with who'd like to come to my 50th birthday party in August? And everyone said no.

Well, they didn't say no. They said they can't. Because everyone doesn't live anywhere near me.

Most people live in other countries, like Finland, Denmark, Australia, Canada, America, Scotland. They're just different places along the way. So I'm probably not going to have a 50th birthday party.

I don't know. I mean, I knew, I was kind of realistically, I knew that, I mean, I think if I was, I don't know, I think maybe Rod Stewart would have had a lot of people turn up for his 50th. Or I'm trying to think there's someone famous that's 50.

Who is there? Probably loads, isn't there? Beyonce, she's probably about 50 now, isn't she? So I'm sure if she saw put an open invitation, she'd like to come to my birthday party. You know, she'd like have probably a few people saying, yeah, I'll be there. I don't understand it because I'm practically identical to Beyonce.

There's so many things in common we have, you know, dancing style, singing style. I've got great bums. We both love Jay-Z.

I was just saying, there's an interview with Tony Blair. He looks really well. Last time I saw him, he didn't look so good.

But now he's looking really slick. He's, I think it's almost like he's got grey hair now, but now he's embraced it. And it's a really nice haircut.

And he's looking happy. Well, that's nice. He's on the telly.

I got the news on, but it's on mute. He's got Tony Blair, former Middle East peace envoy, not former prime minister. Middle East peace envoy.

How can he be a peace envoy after what he, hmm, oh well. So I started thinking about this, this party that I had. I didn't really have a plan.

I was just, I was just putting it out there, you know, a little bit like a, like a really sprayed sneeze. You know, just putting it out there, sharing it with everyone. And I thought, see, I don't really do parties.

But I started thinking before I made this recording, and I've not, I've not even talked about it. So I'm not repeating what I already said earlier and didn't, didn't actually record. So I went on talking about something completely random, which is very, very surprising to me.

And I was thinking, what birthday parties have I actually had in my life? And what have I been to? What parties have I been to? So I'm just trying to think back to various birthdays in my life that hold a memory for me. Now, when I was little, I didn't know how old I was. Sounds like a weird thing to say, but it's true.

I didn't know about birthdays, had no really cognition of them at all. I think I was probably five when I came down. I mentioned this in a previous recording probably two years ago.

But I came downstairs, I was in the children's home, came down, and one of the people living there said to me, happy birthday. And I was the last to get out of bed, never been, I'm just not a morning person, never have been. I get grief from people about staying up all night.

Oh, it's so unhealthy. It's so unnatural. You're staying in bed all night.

You're staying up all night. You're sleeping during the day. Well, actually, it isn't unnatural, not for me.

This is the most natural thing in the world, to be awake during the night. That's how I am. And so, yeah, I don't see why I should... What's the point in going to bed? I know this is a sleep recording, and I know that people, if you have to get up in the morning, you have to go to bed at night, obviously.

And I've done that. I've had jobs where I had to get up at five in the morning, four in the morning, six in the morning, seven in the morning. I've had lots of different jobs where I've had to get up early.

I've also had jobs where I've had shifts, different shifts, one week, six to two, six in the morning to two at night. The next week, two in the afternoon to 10 at night. And then possibly the third shift, night shift.

Now, that's a weird one, to do those three different shifts. It's hard to kind of get your bearing. The morning and the afternoon are doable.

I always found them okay, because I enjoyed the afternoon shift, the two to 10. I liked that. So I've managed to cope with the six to 10 or six to two, rather.

But the night shift on top was just too much to do kind of all three. But night shift on its own, my favourite. And I had a job in a game going back a while.

It was in sales. And there was this, they had these different shifts. And you'd come in and you'd basically be given different shifts to come in.

And on a Friday, yeah, I think there was three shifts. And the third shift was a Friday. The third shift was, I think the first shift was something like eight to five.

I think the second shift was something like 10 to seven. And the third shift was something like one to nine, something like that. But the one to nine shift, and then every other week, you'd have to do a Saturday.

Now the one to nine shift was the best because you do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, one to nine. One in the afternoon to nine. And then on a Friday, you'd come in and film from eight to one.

And that was it. Then you'd see you'd finish early on a Friday. And then you'll have to come back until the Monday at one o'clock.

So it's quite a good little shift. I like that because it meant I was going home. Admittedly, I was going and drinking, but that's what I did back then.

But I was going home, chilling out for a few hours. So although I wasn't on a night shift, I didn't have to get up in the morning early. So I'd be getting up probably 11 o'clock, go to bed probably two or three.

Yeah, probably about three o'clock. So I was up half the night, which is good. I'd be home by 10 or half nine, you know, sort of about a half hour, 40 minute walk.

So I used to get a lift home with the boss anyway, get a lift home sometimes or to Sainsbury's and get some bits. And then I'd have the whole evening. I could just chill out from like 10 to three, five hours of just watching some telly, reading, making videos, making audios, whatever I wanted to do.

Beautiful. And I was working at the same time. So I had that space.

There was no one around to talk to me. No one wanted my attention because I was in bed. So I could just get on and do what I wanted uninterrupted and just enjoy it.

And I was getting paid, you know what I mean? So I was getting paid. I wasn't rich, but I was on about 25,000 a year. So it was the best paid job I ever had actually at the time.

It's the most I've ever earned in a year. But it's just because of the bonus. The basic was, I think, 13,000.

And then the bonus, then on top of that, used to be in cash and still taxed, you know, all that stuff. But he'd give us cash every week. So we'd get paid monthly, the basic, which was probably 800 pound a month.

Yeah, probably about 800. And the bonus would be anywhere between 80, sometimes 200 a week, depending on how successful the salesperson was. I mean, I probably, I wasn't the top person at that place.

So I did well, but I didn't earn massive amounts. I think one of the people there was earning about 37,000 a year. So it's like way more than me.

But having that cash every week and then getting the basic in every month, what a great way to earn money. You know, especially for the people there, mainly it was younger people that were just out, you know, going out, having fun. Every Friday lunchtime, they'd get paid cash.

And they didn't keep anyone that wasn't selling. So everybody was getting paid. Nobody didn't get any money.

Do you know what I mean? Everyone always exceeded the sales target because they're the only people that kept their jobs. And I was lovely. You know, sometimes, I don't know, I think the most, I think I did have like 220 pound one week, but that was like an exceptional week.

And I think they had like some kind of double bubble, you know, which they used to call it. But basically you get double the sales for one sale. They sort of say in the evening because, and the evening was good because that's when the most sales were because there was less people on the phones in the evening.

And there's more people at home phoning. So not only was I on the best shift at that time, because I got more people, I get more sales. Plus I didn't have to get up early in the morning.

It was going really well. I was really pleased with it. And then it took me off the shift.

It took me off because I needed people to cover the daytime. I've never been so angry. So, and then I got a job in a different department and that was good as well, but a lot less money.

They said to me, I had a job interview and it was basically listening. I had three job interviews in that company. The first one was in the sales and I got that job thanks to my friend who put a good word in for me.

I didn't like it. I didn't want to, I didn't want to do it anymore. So I applied for three jobs.

The first one was in customer service and I was interviewed by my manager, the sales manager. And she said, no, I don't think you're, she told me she didn't think I was capable of doing the job. She thought it'd be too, too much for me.

It's like, okay. Yeah, I know. And then I applied for the, uh, renewals department and they said no.

I had a job interview there as well. They said no. It's like in-house interview.

I said, oh, come on, please. He said, nope. I said, but it's easy.

Renewals is easy. It's easier than sales. It's just going over the information.

They're like, no. And so I don't, didn't give me that job. And then the, this bloke is really nice and he used to pop upstairs and he was in charge of listening to all of our calls.

Well, like probably six calls a month for each sales person, each renewals person, each customer service person. And they had a little department and they'd listen to the calls for all the different people on the phones to make sure that they were doing the job properly. And I just asked him, how was, how was that job? Because it was a good, good job.

And he said, well, it's a vacancy. He didn't say it like that. He didn't, he didn't say, there's a vacancy.

He said, there's a vacancy. I said, really? He said, well, why don't you apply then? And the reason he said it's because I was the most compliant person there. Sounds like I'm bragging, but it's all true.

Mind you, it's bragging. It's bragging when you show off about something that's true. Well, I'm bragging then, I suppose.

Well, I don't mind. It's not like it's something impressive, is it? It's like bragging. You know what? I can wear six pairs of socks at the same time and still fit into my shoes.

That's bragging, but it's not impressive. And so I applied for this job and they gave it to me. But before they said, well, you can have the job, but there's a problem.

And I said, what's that? They said, you do realise there's a pay cut? I said, no, because I didn't know how much I was going to get paid. I didn't, all I knew is I wanted to get out of the sales department. I just needed to do something different.

And they said, um, yeah, it's, I think the basic was 14 and a half thousand a year, maybe 15,000. Um, but they had an annual bonus for, um, the admin department and maybe the customer service, not the renewals and not the sales, cause they got their bonuses separate, but those that weren't on a bonus, um, got an annual bonus shared based upon, um, profits, I guess. And she said, uh, your basic's going to be, well, basically your basic is going to be 11,000 less than what you're currently getting.

Cause she, she had access to my, my earnings. Cause she, again, it was the sales manager that was interviewing me because she was not only was she the sales manager, she was high up in the company in the, in that, in that building. And she said, are you sure? You know, at least I said, well, yeah, we think you'd be really good at the job, but a monkey could do it.

I thought, oh, thanks. And he said, um, no, seriously, a monkey does do it. Are you okay to work with a monkey? And I thought they were joking and I didn't realize the position was actually inside a zoo.

I was, uh, but it was okay. I got across through there, bit of a journey. And there was no zoo in that town.

I had to travel all the way about 30 miles. None of this is true. And, um, they said, are you sure you don't mind taking a pay cut of, uh, like 11,000 pounds or no, 10,000 pounds a year pay cut.

And I said, there's a bonus though, isn't there? They said, yeah, but even with a bonus, the most you're going to get is maybe 17, 17,000, you know, they might get a couple grand a year extra bonus. And I said, yeah, it's fine. So I took pretty much a 10,000 pound, and the bonus was a gamble.

I didn't know what I was going to get. Um, so 10,000 pound pay cut in order to do a different job, one that didn't involve me getting up early in the morning. Well, for me, getting up early in the morning to start at eight o'clock is getting up at six.

And when I was starting at nine o'clock, I was getting up at seven. Now, I know there's not a lot of difference, but there is, for me, there was a lot of difference between six and seven. Oh, oh, there was a difference.

And also, the job I had was really relaxed. The new job I had. So, you know, when I had the sales job, I'd get in and straight away phone calls coming through, having to talk to people and, you know, be my best behavior.

And, you know, or go through that process. But with this new job, I got to sit down, have a cup of coffee, you know, get all set up, prepared, have a little chat. And I had a target for the month as far as what I needed to do.

You know, I needed to listen to six calls. Well, actually, I think we shared it. It was me and another person did it between us.

So we listened to, for example, three calls each, or it might have been eight calls, four calls each. Let's say three calls each for each person in the company. And it'd be, I don't know how many people it was, quite a few.

And then what would happen is my boss, who's in charge of our department, there's only three of us, he would listen to our calls. So part of his job was to listen to, I don't know, a few of our calls a month, just to make sure the calls that we'd marked, we listened to it to make sure that we'd marked it correctly. And so that was my job.

So it needed to be done by the end of the month. And also part of the job was to give feedback to the people as well. You know, to go and speak to the salespeople or, not always, we didn't always give feedback, but if they kind of didn't pass the call, you know, and maybe they lost money because of it, then we'd sort of give them feedback and go and sit with them and talk to them and stuff, or speak to the team leader and that.

It was quite weird because there was one of the team leaders who I got on really well with, and they restructured the whole place, took on loads of new staff for the sales floor. In fact, the sales floor, I think it was two floors, or I'm not sure, I forget, but it became a lot bigger, so much bigger than what it was when I was up there. And they went from having one sales team, sales leader, you know, the sales boss with his assistant to having three, no, four team leaders.

It was four big, four teams. So they employed two people from outside and employed two people from inside, two of the top salespeople. And the sales manager got promoted to become the manager of the whole building, and his assistant became the sales manager.

And he'd been there for years, a long time. So it was quite weird because one of the sales team leaders used to come down, would have meetings with him, and he'd say, we've got to make it harder. I want to make the questions, make it harder for them and make it so they do the job properly.

And then we'd mark them, and we'd change the way we were doing it to suit him, what he wanted. And his team would be failing because they weren't asking the questions correctly. And then he'd come down moaning about it.

So yeah, but it was your idea, you know, because I'd always say, I don't want to make them harder. I think the questions are, I think, you know, it's tough enough as it is to pass all the jumps, all the hoops. I know because I did it.

And I knew, you know, that it didn't need it to be any more complicated. But he, I think almost like he wanted to stamp his authority, you know, but it kind of backfired. But it was lovely.

I really liked him. So he's a nice bloke. But he's kind of, I suppose it just happens, doesn't it? You know, it's kind of office environments.

And I don't know how I got on to talking about working in that place. It's just a night shift. Yeah, working nights.

I've had night shift jobs before. The first night shift I ever had was, I worked in a factory. I did a few, yeah, I might have done some night shifts in this meter factory when I was 18.

But I actually did a night shift in 1990 when I was, I suppose, 19 at the time. And I really liked it. It's really good.

And a start at 10 is like a proper night shift, 10 till 6. That's a proper night shift, you know? Eight hours, start at 10, have two breaks during the day or during the shift, and a lunch break, which was probably about a half hour. I don't think it was a whole hour. But it might have been.

I really don't remember. And the environment was so clean. Because it was all, it was meters, electric meters.

But we were kind of working on them. So we had to have all this static, de-static material on us, white coats. And just, you know, to make sure.

And we had things over our shoes, just to make sure that no static got inside the electric meter. And it would be taken apart, testing them, refitting them, or build, building them really, I suppose. That's really good.

I liked it. I got on with pretty much everyone there. And it was just a really nice environment.

It was a lot quieter, because there was less people working at night than during the day. During the day, there was a lot of people there, probably three times the amount of people during the day than at night. But it was a 24-hour operation.

So, because I used to work there during the day as well, because I worked there three times. And this was the third and last time when I worked night shift. And it was really interesting to see the different angles of the jobs that I had.

Because before, I was packing meters into boxes. But this time, I was helping to make the meters or to put them together. Admittedly, I was just, I did a lot of screwing.

So just like, just putting, it would literally be a conveyor belt, just screwing in a screw, and it go along and screwing in another screw. And then I'd move to a different part. And, you know, so maybe I'd be checking the, you know, the little numbers that go around, to sometimes be fixing those numbers in, or checking that they worked, or maybe taking apart, because sometimes it'd be, section of stuff that didn't work, and needed to be taken apart again.

Because they didn't, they didn't waste anything. So, and that was an okay job. I think I earned about £160 a week doing that.

And back in 1990, that was okay. Yeah, I was more than happy with that. And the, compared to 1991, 1992, 1993, I was earning, still earning about £100 a week.

So I was, you know, I earned a lot more in 1990 than I did for most of the 90s, actually, which is a bit ridiculous. So that was, you know, but I liked it. And then they changed the shift, they opened a new factory next door.

We all had to have two weeks off holiday, which no one complained about, because it was extra holiday, you know, because they closed while they moved everything into the new factory. And so it was paid holiday. It was a great place to work, really.

And in fact, my dad worked there. He did. My dad worked there in the 70s.

He worked for that company in London, I think. And then he moved to that place. He moved to, he moved out of London, and continued working for the same company, but in a different part of the country.

Yeah, I think he did that before he became self-employed. But anyway, I worked there. And they changed the shift patterns and said, you have to go back onto the day shift, 6 till 2, 2 till 10, alternate, no night shifts, because they basically stopped night shift for most people.

Because they didn't, I guess, they didn't want to be 24 hours anymore. They didn't need to be, whatever the reason. And yeah, I just sort of left, you know.

But the next night shift job I had was working in a bakery. I had a night shift. Well, I did all kinds of shifts, but I did night shifts there, as well as day shifts.

But night shift was better, preferred night shift. And although when you're in the bakery, it could be day, it could be night, there's no, there wasn't any windows, there wasn't any, it was just like one big sauna. It was the whole time.

I mean, it'd be the same heat indoors, you know, whether it was winter or summer. It'd be, there'd be no difference. Only difference is if you go outside in the winter, you'd probably, you'd probably still feel warm.

But the, so that was another night shift job I did. Then, then, then, then, then I did night shift. I had, yeah, I got a night shift.

I got a security job. The first job, the first placement they gave me wasn't nights. It was at Canary Wharf.

It was during the day, but loads of hours. And they asked me to stay one night, I think, and for a couple of nights, and I, I fell asleep. But then they moved me to a nurse's home, which was night shift.

And that was, I don't know, something like 10, 10 to eight, 10 in the evening to eight in the morning. Or it might have been eight in the morning, eight in the evening to eight in the morning. It might have been 12 hours, actually, something like that.

And, and I did that. And I remember I did, I did a month without a break, without a day off. And I really needed a day off after that.

But I liked it. I liked the night shift. And I didn't need to go to sleep.

Didn't need, because there was people around sometimes. And I was working with other people. Because it was in a hospital.

So it was all connected to the hospital. And there'd be nurses coming and going, there'd be the security from the emergency ward would be there as well. They'd pop in and say hi and have a drink, coffee or tea.

And sometimes it'd be others, they'd all, they'd all hang around, you know, as well as some of the student nurses. And I liked that job. It was all right, actually.

And so then, what is it, I got another night shift job in the security. This time it was a printers. There's really famous printers and they did, I forget the name of it now, but he, what was his name? Well, anyway, they did printers, heavy metal magazines, computer magazines.

Lots, I mean, maybe like loaded, I don't know. Magazines were really, really popular back in the 90s. And even like going forward into the 2000s, maybe back in the 80s as well.

But of course, magazines don't have the same, I guess, the same audience as they used to. But this was a time, I mean, the internet didn't exist at that time. So it was printing and it was, the building was full of computers, full of computers.

And it was, they'd have all the magazines and different ones. And I'd look through them and think, wow, there's so many. They'd even have magazines in other languages.

So I forget the name of the person, but it was very big, you know, in the printing world. So I worked there from, I think I did a 15-hour shift. So that's quite a long shift.

So I started, I think I started at something like five in the afternoon and finished at eight in the morning, or I might have finished at nine in the morning. It was something like that. So I'd get home and pretty much go to bed and get up and go back to work.

That was kind of my routine. And I didn't work every day of the week though. So I'd have, I'd work maybe five days a week, maybe six days a week, but I'd always have at least one day off, generally.

But they'd always be asking me, could you do a shift? Can you do an extra shift? Can you do a shift somewhere else? So if I wanted to, I could work every day of the week, pretty much 24 hours a day. But of course, physically, I wasn't able to do that. But I could have done if they'd have left me alone to go to bed.

Would have been a bit smelly. But with that job in the office, with the printing firm, it wasn't like a printer's, you know, with all the heavy machinery. They basically did all the graphic design work and then I guess they just sent the orders to the, whoever printed it, somewhere else.

And sort of emailed it to, emailed? See if there's no internet, but there was email, wasn't there? Was there? How could there be emails about the internet? Unless everything was still sent by, by Telex or by smoke signals. I don't know. Carrier pigeon.

I really don't know. And what I do know is the lady on the reception, she had an Apple computer. Well, it wasn't hers, but the company and that was on the reception.

It was a really nice reception. All kind of marble and really nice, nice to stay. It was where I sat when she left.

But she was there with me probably for, I don't know, like half an hour or so. There was like a crossover. And she, she started showing me a few things on the computer.

How to use it and how to put things into the bin, you know, on the, on the screen. And I was like, wow, I've never touched a computer before. And this is 1996.

Never, never had any interest at all in computers. Even though we had them at school, kind of, you know, the ones that you had to like put your own code in to get it to say hello to you. You know, those little floppy disks and stuff like that.

I just, nah, it's too much like hard work. You know, I can just say hello to myself. It's much easier.

Besides, I had a calculator and it took me about three or four years to work out how to put in the right amount of, you know, to get, well basically to get the calculator to spell out boobs. You know, it took, took quite a while. So I thought maybe computers isn't for me.

And it turned out they were. Who would have thought it? I actually ended up being fairly proficient on a computer. But I think that's partly because if you spend all day working on one for years and years and years, you get to know your way around, you know, like even my typing.

I can kind of type in the dark. I can, I can turn the light off and I can type on the laptop and then turn the light back on so I can type. None of it makes sense.

You know, it's the word, no proper words or anything. But I'm saying I can, I can actually put my hands on the keyboards. It looks like I'm typing.

But, um, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the part, one of the night shift jobs I had, um, see that night shift, I didn't enjoy as much the last one I had because I was there on my own. The staff was there till probably about 10.

Because those people that were working really hard, then they'd leave. Everyone had been gone by 10 o'clock. So I was in there till probably six when the cleaners came in.

And I, you know, I had to go and do a little walk around and check stuff and all that, you know, make sure the windows were locked and the doors. And the thing is, if all the doors are locked and you've already done a patrol, you've already looked around, you kind of don't need to go back and look around again in an hour's time. Because you're near the front door.

No one could get in. There's no other way into the building. So yeah, I just, uh, it was a bit boring to be fair.

And I think now with all the technology we have, like with the internet, with laptops, phones, all that stuff, we did have mobile phones back then. I just didn't have one. And there weren't nothing like this.

They were just phones. And I, yeah, I mean, imagine if I night shift job now, and if I had a job where people didn't touch me, they didn't go anywhere near me or not touch me. If they left me alone to just be in that building for 12 hours or whatever, I could make loads of recordings.

Couldn't I? I could just do that all night, every night. Um, but yeah, not all, a lot of security jobs aren't as easy as that. And I had some that weren't.

I had one job, uh, once, one place that I was sent to is, it was a bookies. Um, uh, for those who don't know what bookies is, um, what's the proper word for it? Book license, book, like a gambling shop. Yeah, a gambling shop.

And I was, it was on this rough estate, housing estate in East London. And I went in there, had all my uniform on, because I always had to wear a uniform, security uniform. And the local people in there, there was a pub next door, and there was loads of blocks of flats.

And it was, you know, I was very much, I suppose, vulnerable really. And they said, Oh, you're the fourth, fourth security guard I've had here this month. And he said, Yeah, we keep getting robbed.

This is what the staff were telling me. They've been robbed like twice in the last month. And the staff don't stay, the security guards don't like it, because they keep getting beaten up.

I was like, Oh, great. And they were just basically making fun of me. And they said, What would you do if someone came in here to rob the place? I said, I'd do nothing.

They said, What? I said, I'm earning £5.50 an hour. I would do absolutely nothing. In fact, I'd open the door for them, so they could come in.

After that, they liked me. Not the staff, but the customers. I don't think the staff were too impressed.

But the customers seemed to respect me after that. So I wasn't trying to be all like action hero man. It's like, I don't care.

They want to come and rob the place, let them. I'm not going to get shot for £5 an hour. No.

Because you know, believe it or not, I was not in the SAS. I have no military training. I was just wearing a costume, a security guard costume.

And I said, I got a lift back. So I lift down and lift back. I said, Don't ever send me to a crappy place like that again.

It's ridiculous. And he was laughing at my boss. He found it hilarious.

Honestly, he didn't even know where, he didn't tell me where he was taking me. He said, I just need you to come here tonight. With short staff to get you just, just here.

It's only for six hours. It was in the evening. It was like from like four till 10 or something like that.

I thought, okay. No, I don't ever want to go back there. Please.

I mean, partly I was thinking, you know what, an armed robbery would probably be an improvement on talking to the customers. Because they were just hassling me, giving me, just making fun of me the whole time. I thought, leave me alone.

I'm a professional. I'm a security man. Look, I've got a uniform on.

I'm wearing shoes. I cleaned them last week. They used to be clean shoes.

I'm wearing a, I'm wearing a strap on tie. I'm glad I said the word tie. No, clip on tie rather, not strap on.

A clip on tie. So if anyone grabs it, it just pulls off. If someone wants to pull me off, pull off, strap on, pull me off.

If someone wants to, someone grabs you and they pull away, you can just pull away from them and say, ha, ha, ha. It's not a real tie. But on the same side, it's a little bit embarrassing walking around with a strap on tie.

It's like being seven years old again. Because those are the kind of ties I used to wear when I was seven. Because my parents didn't trust me with, I don't know why they didn't trust me with a real tie.

I'm not sure why that is. I don't know what other night shift jobs I had. Did I have any other night shift jobs after that? No, that was it.

So 1987, 1997 was the last time I had a night shift job. Yeah, it's the last time, last time. So, being awake at night feels right to me.

It's not a weird thing. If I'm awake during the day, so if I went to bed at 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock, and I woke up at nine, I almost wouldn't know what to do with myself. Because my creative time is night time.

The time when I can make recordings when it's quiet. But also it's just a better time for me. Just, I don't know why, just the way it is.

So yeah, I think if I had, if that factory that I worked in in 1990, if they'd have let me stay during night shift, and they're closed down now anyway, but if they'd still stayed open, I possibly would still be there, still doing my shift. It's no weird. I probably would never have learned anything.

Maybe. I'm sure I would have learned something. I'd have got interested in something.

Although I was, I was interested in comedy and stuff. But you know, who knows? I might have ended up getting interested in hypnosis anyway. There's no way, no it isn't.

Might happen. Maybe this is destiny. Destiny.

Destiny. Maybe. Anyway, I'm going to go because this is time to upload this to the internet.

So thank you for listening. I was going to talk about parties I've been to. I'm going to have to do that another time.

So I'll speak to you again tomorrow. Take care of yourselves. Remember, remember to be kind to yourself.

Because you deserve to be happy. Do something nice for yourself today. Lots of love.

Bye.