#320 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (2nd February 2020)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You Too Shortly. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Why does Andre always have to do a sneeze or make a noise just as I start recording? It's being as quiet as a mouse, but as a ferret.

He's been sleeping, gets up every now and then, every now and then, to have a toilet and then go back to bed. Which is, I should get a little photograph of this, it's a bag. It's actually, it's a new, well, it's a bag I bought off a friend.

And it's just, didn't cost him much, basically a bag and some tracksuit bottoms for £10, so it's, but the bag was going to be for me, it's going to be for me, me. So I got this idea in my head that I'm going to walk, go for long walks every day. Not with him, but on my own.

And maybe walk up to the supermarket which is about six miles and then walk back, listen to music or audiobook or something while I'm doing it. Just to sort of get some exercise. So I thought that bag could be quite useful because then I could have the bag on my back and not be carrying carrier bags because they dig, they dig a little bit.

Sometimes I feel like I'm really weak when I'm carrying, I've got a carrier bag and I'm thinking, and I have to put them down on the floor. And then like swap them over and just sort of, you know, but it's my fingers, it's not, it's not a strength thing. It's more just it hurts, especially in the winter.

It's like, ow, digs right in. Anyway, I got that bag and Andre has commandeered it and he's now sleeping in it, which, you know, I'm happy, I'm happy enough. I want him to be happy.

I don't, he's the priority in my life, you know, as long as he's happy. But just, my bag, it's mine. Because he couldn't, he couldn't use the other bag anymore because it was falling apart.

He'd basically ripped it apart, you know, and his fingernails kept getting caught in the material. And it happened once too often and I thought, no, that's it. Took the bag away from him and he was angry.

Honestly, he just laid on the floor where the bag was staring at me. Seriously. I gave him the blue jumper, which used to be my blue jumper, and he's, which he, you know, it's got his smell on it, or it used to have my smell on it, now it's got his smell on it.

And that was his little bedding inside the bag. And eventually he started sleeping inside just the jumper for about a week. Every now and then he'd pop his head up and give me a stare.

Oh, where's my bag? The thing is, he's had that bag most of his life. I mean, it's got to be, I got him in September. I probably got that bag in November, October, November time.

And that was four years ago. So now he's had it a long time. So now he's got a new bag.

And it's, as I said, it's one of those that you can stick on your back. You don't stick it to your back, but you know, you've got two handles. A bit like being back at school, really.

And, you know, having a bag, a nice bag full of books. And the, I took him, took him to the garage today. I took him for a walk, basically.

And I needed to get something from the garage. So he was sniffing every blade of grass. I kid you not.

It was the slowest walk I've had for a long time. But he seemed happy enough. It wasn't cold outside.

He wasn't shivering. And I didn't wake him up to take him out. He was, you know, hassling me to take, well, not hassling me, but he was waiting.

So I was having a wash. I was getting ready, getting changed. And he was just waiting for me to take him for a walk.

So I did. Took the bag with me, the new one. And as we got to the garage, I opened the bag a little bit and he just crawled in.

So he seemed happy enough. And just did the zip up. I don't think there's any air holes, but I don't know.

You know, it might be ventilated. You know, it might have like little holes and stuff. But he's only in the bag for like a minute or two.

So I don't know if I need to worry, really. Plus, if he wanted to get out of it, he would get out of it. If he really wanted to, he'd just rip it open.

He's pretty vicious if he wants to be. But I might make a few holes in it, you know, just to... But then if I do that, it'll start shredding the material and he might start getting his fingers caught in it, his fingernails. So I don't know.

But the good thing about this bag is he climbs in it and it's got a lid on it. This is completely unzipped. It's on its back, you know, the back, like the back straps being on the floor.

And there's probably in some ways more space in there. It's probably more suitable for him. I don't know, maybe not, but there's plenty of space for him.

And he likes to have, he likes quite contained spaces anyway. But he seems happy now in it. And he seems to spend most of his time in there now.

He has a few breaks. He goes and sleeps in the tracksuit bottoms that he's got over this side of the room. And he'll also sleep on the bed.

And sometimes he sleeps under the chair. Sometimes he'll go to sleep in a carrier bag. Other times he'll sleep near the radiator, which is near the door, front door.

In the summer, he sleeps in the kitchen a fair bit because it's cooler in there. So it's nice. And like the tiled floor, I think it's cool for him.

And there's a fridge, a freezer in there as well. So I think, and also a radiator when it's in the summer. Nice.

Yeah, I think the radiator, because there's no, the radiator, the metal could still be quite cool. I think, I don't know. Where else does he sleep? There was one time that I went out, came back, couldn't find him.

Twice this has happened. Twice where I really couldn't find him. The first time was when he was little.

I mean, I'd only had him for a few months, came home, couldn't find him. And I knew that he was always trying to get out the front door. And he'd got out quite a few times where someone had just left.

I closed the door behind him and he'd somehow, I don't know if he'd climbed up their trousers or something, but he sneaked out. And then someone's knocking on the door saying, is this yours? They wouldn't be holding him because no one ever touches him because he's so scary, like a big alligator. And there was once I came back from, I don't know what I was doing, town or a cheerleading practice, I forget.

And could not find him anywhere. Wasn't in his bag, wasn't on my bed, wasn't under the chair. I went everywhere.

I went into the store where his cage was, couldn't see him, couldn't find him, shouting his name, nothing. That was a weird noise, weird click. And then suddenly I went in and I went into the store room again and I found him and he was hiding under the, like a jumper or something.

And I started crying. Can you believe it? I was so relieved, but I thought I'd lost him. Because by that time I was connected, I was, I don't know what the right word is, but yeah, I was in love with him.

In love with him. He wasn't my girlfriend, but you know. And I was hugging him and saying, you little, don't ever do that to me again.

And he was looking at me saying, what, do what? Wouldn't he go to sleep? I said, no, hide. I said, I wasn't hiding. I was in the cage.

The door was open, by the way. That's why I didn't think he'd be in the cage because he had no reason to be in the cage, technically, because the cage door was open. And although he did go through a period when he used to go to sleep in the cage, even though he'd be in a hurry to get out of it, didn't want to be in there when I put him in.

It's really a case of he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, which is kind of all of us really, isn't it? It's not a particularly ferret trait. I think I would say it's a standard living being trait. And the other time is a few months back.

Couldn't find him. Got home, could not find him. I really couldn't find him this time.

I was like, I can't believe I've looked everywhere. I'll go and get my friend to come up and help me look. I can't, I don't get it.

Am I missing something here? And then I have, then I opened this, I've got in the bathroom, there's a little cupboard where I keep bottles of water and I keep carrier bags and deodorant and that kind of stuff, soap and bits like that. And I open it up and he's just there, all cuddled up, staring at me, looking up at me like, what do you want? Didn't want to get out. He was quite happy in there.

I don't know how he got in there. So I must've gone in, got a carrier bag and then closed the door. In those two seconds, he must've just run in, into the cupboard and been in there for about three or four hours.

And he was happy as anything. This is like, how did you get in? How? But that's the only way it could have happened. There's no other way into that cupboard.

He can't, I mean, you know, the latch to open it is at my chest level, so it's like nipple level really. So he can't get, he can't get up there. Unless he's got a little ladder that I don't know about.

Who knows, maybe, oh, maybe he's got a window cleaning round job that he does. Got a little ladder. Might do what? Probably not.

You'd hear about that, wouldn't you? The neighbours would be, the neighbours would mention it, I suppose. So he got in there somehow and it's just such a relief to see him, but at the same time, it's like, oh, I need to shout in. Don't do that to me.

Because the thing is, if he got out, which he had a few times, but if he really had a chance to just go, that's what he'd do. Not to escape, but I think more to just kind of explore, you know? Explore the surrounding area and then he'd get tired and go for a sleep. So he'd be inside some bushes and just go to sleep for a few hours.

Or he'd go off and, I mean, I'm not far from the fields. So once he got to the field, he might just lose track and he loves the field. I mean, I've let him off the lead a few times and he runs.

He doesn't run normally, but in the field he runs proper fast. Couple of times I got in trouble with him. He's gone into the ditch.

The first time I fell into the ditch and trying to get him and I managed to hold him, get hold of him and I fell in, but I managed not to fall in properly because water and everything in there. I managed just to sort of, I don't know, but I managed to get up and I hurt my arm and my leg and everything. I was caked in mud, absolutely covered in mud and so was he, but he was happy for that.

I think the only reason I was able to get hold of him is because he doesn't like water. Had it been for the water, he'd have been off. And the reason I know this is because he did it again.

Because I didn't learn and I let him run off again. That's a good thing about not learning. Not learning from experiences, you keep making the same mistakes.

And I let him run again. This time I'm running next to him. He's off the lead, but I'm running next to him.

So I figure I can get him. I can grab him if he does anything, but I was wrong. Again, turns left into the ditch, a different point this time.

But this time there's no water. There's no, you know, it was summer, so there was no no ditch of water in it. It was just brambles and I don't know what was in it.

It looked like old cars, you know, that had been in there for 100 years. It was all rusty and it's just, I don't know how they got in there. Probably tractor parts, all this kind of stuff like that.

And I had two choices. I didn't have any choice. He was down there and I was completely blocked by tree branches, brambles, stinging nettles and everything.

But what I did is I just pushed through them. I kind of got angry and I pushed through them because I was determined to get to him and he was moving further away. And I knew once he'd gone, it'd be really difficult to find him because just in the long grass and, you know, it's like, how would I find him? You know, I was ready to eat myself, eat through the metal if I had to.

I was that determined and I was pushing stuff out of the way, pushing metal out of the way. And I managed to get, luckily, for whatever reason, he came back to me and I called him and I picked him up. And again, my glasses were on the floor.

I say again, because similar things happened before with him, where my glasses ended up on the floor. I think they did when I fell down the grout, got all muddy. It's always the glasses are the first thing to fall off.

I need to get some of that elastic, you know, the elastic that people used to have either side of the, not the hands of the glasses. What are they called? You know, the sticky bits at the back, at the side. I don't mean like sticky as in, ooh, that's sticky, keep that away from me.

I mean, the hands or the, I'm going to look at my glasses now so I can, the sides of the glasses, the ear holders. I don't know. So I wouldn't mind, that's really weird logic, but I wouldn't mind wearing glasses if I didn't need to.

I just don't, I just get a little bit annoyed that I have to wear them because my eyesight is really deteriorated as I got older. I'll give you an example. I've got a punch bag, the other side of the room, and you know, punch bags aren't small.

And the writing, of course, says Everlast. And it's kind of, it's the part of the punch bag that's head level. That makes sense.

So that you kind of aim for the head there. That's kind of, when I'm punching, I'm thinking it's a punch bag. I'm not thinking of people.

It's just, it's an exercise thing. But there's, I say that, but there's Everlast, it's big letters, big, big letters. And it's a blur without my glasses.

So I put my glasses on Everlast, written an R with a circle, so registered. I guess that's trademark, registered or whatever. And I can see the label sticking out, which has, I can see it says Everlast, but I can't see it.

I just see the shape, similar shape, but you know, the white bit's fairly clear and the black bit's clear from the black. Now that little label is complete blur. I can't see any writing on it at all.

I can see that there's potentially some black bits and that it's white. And the Everlast, it's, I know what it says, so it's very difficult to kind of like, you know, I can't pretend I don't know what it says because I do. But it's blurry.

But even without glasses, I could put, I can read it. I kind of have to look at each letter, but it's blurry and it's strainy. With the glasses on, clear as you like, just like across the thing on the bookcase, I've got a box which says Echo Dot on it.

I can see the Echo Dot perfectly. Echo is in white letter, white letters, the dot is in black letters and the blue box with a little, you know, Amazon Echo Dot black picture of an Echo Dot. I can see it.

It's not like crystal clear HD, but I can see it. Take my glasses off. I can't see a single thing as far as I can see the outline of the black box.

I can see there's some white, I guess, writing and some black writing. That's it. It's really strange.

I don't, my eyesight used to be all right apart from when it wasn't. I started wearing glasses when I was 15 because I was getting headaches. So I went to the doctors and he said, I need to go for an eye test.

So I went to have an eye test. See, at the time I thought the optician gave me glasses because I needed them. I didn't realise that they pretty much give glasses to every single person, practically, that goes for an eye test.

I didn't realise that at the time. I've never, ever been to an ambulance. No, I've never been to an optician where they haven't tried to tell me that I needed new glasses.

In fact, I would bet, I would bet money that I could have an eye test, get new glasses next week. And the following week I could go to a different optician's, you know, a different town, get an eye test. And they'd tell me that I needed a different prescription from the one that I've just been given.

I think they're a bit dodgy. That's what I think. Although I do need glasses.

So, you know, sometimes the obvious test is there. The thing is glasses weren't supposed to be worn forever. It was supposed to be a corrective thing.

It was the idea was to correct our vision so that we didn't need glasses anymore. Well, how's that going? So when I was 15, went to the optician's. Optician said I needed glasses all the time, which kind of goes against what I just said with my eyesight was always good, because clearly it wasn't.

But I didn't feel that my eyesight, I had any issues with my eyesight. It's not how I felt. I was reading, always read since I was, since I could, and loved reading books from a very early age.

Loved watching television. Didn't have computers back then. I've never even looked at a computer screen, I don't think.

I had. No, that's wrong. My dad was, my dad was always really into new technology, because he was an electrician.

I don't say that's the reason, but he was interested in new technology. And he was also a bit of an inventor, like an electrical inventor. He used to invent stuff, and he used to create things, and he's a wizard really.

And he, so he used to have like the latest gadgets, which, I mean really, I kind of, I get, I get a little bit, I can be a little bit negative towards childhood sometimes, but there were some things that were really good. You know, like having the latest computer and video player and stuff like that. We used to watch movies that weren't even out of the cinema yet.

So they were terrible copies. But you know, I remember, I remember watching Return of the Jedi in the early 80s, whilst watching, whilst eating a Sunday dinner. And it was like, wow.

And I think it's, maybe it had been at the cinema, but it definitely was way off, way, way off being available on video, and probably about seven years away from being on television. And I didn't, I quite liked watching the movies while I was at dinner, having dinner, because I mean, we didn't have to talk to each other. I think it got to a point where we realised that the family as a whole, me, my three brothers, parents and that, I think it got to the realisation, it's like an unspoken realisation that we all got on much better when we didn't communicate.

It was a much, there was no arguing, there was no nitpicking, there was no trying to get each other into trouble, which was what my brothers always seemed to try and to do. And trying to just, it used to be a thing, you know, if one of my brothers was up, he was in trouble, it'd be almost a euphoric feeling. It's ridiculous.

It's like, ha ha ha. So, and I'll be the good boy, and he's the bad boy, or he'd be the good boy and I'd be the bad boy. So it's, you know, it got to the point where I thought we all realised, let's just keep quiet, that way no one gets in trouble.

We can all be left alone, maybe, possibly. I think that's probably the worst part of, some people like big families, some people like being a lone parent, like a lone child, some like, not alone, you know, a single child. Some single child would perhaps want to have brothers and sisters, because they never have had them.

I guess it's natural, isn't it, to want what we never had? Maybe. I mean, I definitely would like things I haven't had, and I'd like certain dimensions of my body to be different, but you know, it is what it is. Love me for me, not for what I look like.

Love me for me, not what I can be. So I had these classes, and bear in mind, the whole way through school, although I travelled around a lot as a youngster, very, very young, by the time I was seven, things were starting to settle down, well, a lot, a huge, huge amount, as far as being with the same two adults looking after me, my dad and his wife, so, who I classed as my mum, and called her mum. And from the age of seven onwards to the age of 15, that was it.

So that was what, eight years, was that eight years? Seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. So for eight years, I had a degree of, well, you know, kind of like a, I don't want to use the word stable, but I had a family environment. And when I say the word stable, I think of horses.

So we had a, you know, a family environment, which in some ways was brilliant, that I didn't appreciate at the time, and I kind of still don't, that's probably in some ways. But in other ways, it was not so great. But the thing is, I went to three junior schools before going to high school, just in that town.

I don't know how many schools I went to before I moved there, probably at least two or three, because I lived in Newcastle, and Southend, and London. Although I was too young to be going to, well, I don't know, I was in London until I was about two. So I don't know what time, what kind of age group you start going to kindergarten, or what it was called, you know, like infant school, but, or what it was then.

But anyway, I had, I liked both of the junior schools I went to, the first two. And I probably liked it because my brothers were there with me, you know, because they did have my back, they were older than me. So when I was born, both my brothers were older.

And they were quite, especially sort of, you know, they were just bigger. One was two years older, one was four years older. And that's a lot when you're seven.

Nine and 11, there's a big age difference really. But then we moved to town. I'll tell you something, it's not, I don't know if it's, but when I was in this place called Causton Junior School, and there was this kid that used to try and pick on me.

He used to try, but he didn't really get on very well. But he was one of these that kind of didn't learn. You know, he was only a kid.

I mean, he's, he, so that's fine. I was only a kid. I was like, eight years old, probably then.

So he'd, once he was picking on my friend, because I had a friend that was, he had, I think he just had one kidney. So he had a lot of physical issues and stuff like that. And he was one of my best friends.

And he was my neighbor. He lived three doors up from me. So I used to spend a lot of time with him.

And, you know, I looked out for him. And he, he was being picked on by this kid. So I, I did what I had.

Well, I, yeah, I, I stopped it. But this way, I kind of, I beat him up. So I'm not bragging about that.

I'm just saying that's what happened. You can't pick on someone. Done my bullets.

And even then, but then another time, he was, this kid decided he was going to pick on me again. I was just like, what, really? And my brother, my middle brother, the one older than me, but not the oldest, chucked a tennis ball from quite a distance. This might sound like I'm making it up.

It's totally true. He chucked, not that he chucked a tennis ball. You might be thinking, well, yeah, I can believe he chucked a tennis ball.

It's not that unbelievable. People have chucked tennis balls before, seen it at various tennis tournaments. Even the little page boys.

Are they page boys or page girls? They can chuck tennis balls, you know. Anyway, my brother didn't do it underarm. He did it overarm, like a proper, some kind of baseball throw.

And this tennis ball landed in the eye of this kid that was being annoying. And not in the eye, it didn't like go in the eye, but it hit him in the eye. I couldn't believe it.

Like, how could you get such a lucky hit? It was amazing. And so it was nice to have my brothers there to just, because they were older, they were tougher, they were stronger. They were, you know, I didn't kind of really, not that I worried about bullies because I didn't scare me and I could look after myself, but I guess it would have been different if I'd have had some of the older kids, possibly.

You know, if I'd have had kids that were like four years older than me, trying to, so no. In fact, my oldest brother would have been at high school then. So he wasn't there.

My middle brother would have been. So it was nice to have him there, actually. It was nice to have him, have someone to sort of look out for me.

I know he did. He always, you know, he would look after me because he's my older brother. And he loved me because he was my older brother.

And I loved him too. Didn't always get on, but you're not supposed to always get on, are you, brothers and sisters? It's not natural, I don't think, when you're a kid to always, yes, we never argue. Really? Well, clearly you don't ever talk to each other then.

You have to, kids argue, even best friends argue, don't they, when you're kids. Always falling out with my friends at school and then being friends with them again, like 10 minutes later. I think my worst thing I ever did, this is bad, isn't it? I beat up my friend, but it was him.

I had no choice. We were doing paper rounds and I was probably about 13, 14. And he's basically pushing me, kept pushing me, kept pushing me.

And I kept saying to him, don't, I don't want to do this. And for some reason, because he was bigger than me, but he had this, for some reason, wanting to have a fight with me and I didn't want to, because I loved him. He's my best friend.

I've been best friends with him since we was, probably since I was eight or nine, something like that. And he was also in a children's home when I actually met him. It was in a Barnardo's home before it closed down.

So I kind of had that connection with him. We've both been through similar kind of stuff. Not that we ever talked about it, but it was more like the children's home part.

And he kept pushing me and he attacked me basically. And in the end he was on the floor crying. I don't think we ever recovered from that.

I don't think we ever recovered as friends from that. And it's a shame because, you know, he was the best friend. He was pretty much the best friend I ever had at the school, all the way through school.

You know, Andre's staring at me and he's doing a poo on the carpet. It's a wee. What am I going to do? Oops.

Sorry about this, all this noise. Right, I'm back. Sorry.

I just went to grab him and everything fell off the table, which isn't ideal. Hello, baby. Don't say hello to all your fans out there.

He smells lovely. It's really, and this is sounds a bit weird, but even his wee-wee smells nice. It's like perfumey.

Yeah, it probably does sound a bit weird saying it out loud. But he smells nice. Sometimes he smells disgusting, to be fair.

And when he lets a stink off, it can be really, really pungent. It can just like, oh, oh. But right now he smells delicious.

It really smells nice. I don't know why. Although I did give him a bath yesterday or the day before.

I think it might be yesterday. And he hasn't had a bath for ages and ages and ages. And the only reason for that is because he doesn't like it.

And I don't like doing things that he doesn't like. I've got one thing, one role in life, really, and that's to protect him and to keep him happy. All I've got to do, that's my only responsibility, is him.

I don't have any family responsibilities, no children. My dad, he's got a wife and he's got other sort of siblings and his wife's kids. So I kind of look after him if he needs help.

So I don't need, I'm not, I don't need to sort of... He just did a spray sneeze in my mouth. Not in my mouth, in my face, which is gross. You better not have been drinking any of that Corona.

And yeah, he smells all nice and cozy. Maybe it's that bag, because the bag smells nice. So maybe, maybe he's kind of... Yeah, because the other bag was disgusting.

It smelled really bad sometimes. But this one seems to smell quite nice. And he smelled, I say the word nice quite a lot, haven't I? Hello.

You're going to say hello to your friends. You realise, Andre, you're the star of this show. You know that? Yes, you are.

Everybody loves you. Everybody loves you. I say that, but my dad hates him.

My stepsister hates him. And one of my best friends hates him. Not hates him, but won't come into the flat because of him.

And it's weird, isn't it? It's like my neighbour, he looks on edge whenever he's around. It's like, well, what's wrong with you people? He's a little furry, cuddly bear. He's like a little teddy bear.

He's never ever bitten anyone, apart from my neighbour, not the neighbour. That makes sense, wouldn't it, if he'd bitten him? But he bites my friend. But that's just because my friend also used to have a ferret, which was Andre's uncle.

And he's known him since he was a baby. Not since my friend was a baby, but since Andre was a baby. And he's his family.

You know what I mean? He is his family. He's always known him. So he'd feel comfortable being with him.

So if I left him with him, he wouldn't even know I wasn't there. He wouldn't care because he loves his uncle, don't you? But the thing his uncle does, which is naughty, there you go, he wants to run off, is his uncle, not his uncle El, but he's my friend, he lets Andre bite him. So he's always been rough with him.

He's allowed him, he's allowed Andre to be rough right from the start, which means Andre really bites him hard, because he's the only person he can get away with it. And he does exactly what his uncle used to do, like my friend's ferret used to do. But he won't do it with me unless I'm playing with him.

He has to get permission from me. You know, and then maybe he'll be on the bed or sometimes he'll do it on the floor. And I'll grab him, he'll bite me, but he'll do it lightly.

And he kind of looks for my reaction to see whether or not he can do it a little bit harder. And once I give him permission, he really goes for it and ends up with, yeah, he pierces my skin quite often, but only if I allow him to do it. Sometimes I have to have a break so I can heal, you know, so I have to sort of not do it for a few weeks until the skin heals.

But he loves getting rough, absolutely loves it. But he's playing, he's not being mean or nasty, he's just, he's having fun. Because if you see two ferrets together, they look like they're trying to kill each other, but they're not.

They don't even end up with any blood or bruises or anything, they just, it's what they do, they fight each other and they bite each other, but they don't hurt each other. It's very strange, they make some weird noises. I'll give you an example of what it looks like.

Do you remember Cat and Tom and Jerry, the Tom and Jerry cartoons? Do you want to come back for cuddles, Andre? No, he wants me to chase him. As it is, I've already knocked the microphone off already. He wants me to give him some fresh food, even though there's food already there from a couple of hours ago.

Now you eat that. I swear that he would actually want me to change his water every hour. So I've got his two bowls of water, I've got a big blue bowl, it's actually a litter tray, but I bought it for him, put some you know, the cat litter thing in it and he refused to use it.

So I thought, oh, I just stuck in the storeroom. And then a couple of summers ago, I thought he needs somewhere where he can dip his head in, you know, to cool down. And I thought the initial thing for it wasn't for him to drink out of it, I thought he'd actually get into it.

And maybe, you know, lay in there or just, just to cool himself off. And knowing that he's never pooed in or anything, I thought I could use it for water. That's, that's not a problem because it's all clean and new.

So I filled it up. It's got a little dip at the front so he can put his head through. He's licking my leg now.

That's weird. I've grabbed him. I've grabbed him again.

Hello, baby. I'll put him on my, he does smell nice. You do smell nice.

So I've now got him on my legs. So I'm sitting on a chair. And I've got my legs together on the floor, my feet on the floor, and he's laying down towards down my legs, if that makes sense.

And he's, I'm holding his little hands. I'm just massaging the back, the bottom of them. And his feet are just sticking up.

But he's sort of laying to one side. Sometimes I do this, I'd say eight out of seven, eight out of 10 times he wiggles and wants to get away. But every now and then, like now for some reason, he's just laying there, enjoying the little massage.

Because I give him massages every day. Massage his neck, massage his face, massage his tummy, massage his spine, all the way down his back, his arms, shoulders, always massaging him. Because that's what I would do if I had a baby.

If I had a, you know, someone that I cared about, because I learned how to massage. I did a massage course. Admittedly, ferrets weren't mentioned during the course, but it's still the same process.

It's just a much more gentle level. You know, you don't massage a ferret the way you would a bodybuilder, because the muscles with a bodybuilder, you kind of got digging quite deep. But with a ferret, he's little, or like with a baby, it's just gentle pressure.

But it's human touch. It's very important, isn't it? So that's what I do. I sort of make sure I touch him every day, give him lots of massages and cuddles and kisses.

And I think, well, I believe that that's, God, he's winding me up now. He's now climbing into the, into the bag, the carrier bag. He's doing it just to annoy me.

I know he is. So then I went to, I had this school life with my brother, and we moved to town. We moved into a new house because my little brother was born and we needed more rooms.

Because as it was, there was only three bedrooms and there was, how many of us was there? Five. Five of us with three bedrooms. No, six bedrooms.

There was five, there was six of us with three bedrooms, so it wasn't enough room. And at one point, I think I was in a bedroom with my two brothers and my little brother was in the other bedroom. I might have made that up, but so we moved into this old derelict, haunted house.

And so he moved in there and it was right next to town. Now, for some reason, I was eight or nine. Yeah, I think I was nine.

So at that point, possibly my oldest brother was already set to go to the school that he was set for, high school, with my other brother. But because I was at a different junior school, I went to another junior school, and I was there for two years. I then went to the same high school as all of those kids, which was a different high school to my brother's, which meant for probably the majority of the kids there in my year, my age group, I'd known them when I came to leaving school.

I'd known them for seven years. I'd been in school with them for seven years. Some of them I'd been to see cadets with, so I got to know them more.

Some of those I'd been really good friends with. Some of them I'd been to karate with. At the age of 15, I knew at least to say hello to, or to nod, or to push into, or whatever, lots of different people, lots of other kids.

So when I walked into school wearing glasses, for some reason, it was the funniest thing that any of them had ever seen. And I didn't really enjoy the experience. I mean, admittedly, this was about a few weeks before leaving school.

It might have even been the last couple of weeks of school, so maybe the last month. It's very close to when I left school, because I left school in April 1986, and I was 15. I had to go back in, I don't know what month it was, maybe May, June, July, I don't know, to do my exams.

And I ended up with no qualifications at all, so I didn't try. I didn't try, and I just put a lot of rubbish on it, because I didn't care. I didn't even give any attempt.

And there was part of me, there was part of me that would like to, even though I've got a degree, so I've got a higher level education than GCSEs or whatever, although we didn't have GSEs back then. We had CSEs. Actually, we had City and Guilds, which is a level I was at Maths, which is basically, at that time, it meant you kind of weren't at any level.

It was a non-level, really. But then CSE, which, and then you had O-Levels. So in the last three years, or last two years, sorry, of school, you had a test, and they decided whether or not a student was capable of doing CSE or O-Level.

CSE was a lower level of, but O-Level was a higher grade, a higher level of education or exam. I think CSE was a little bit more coursework. He's annoying me now.

He's fine, and if we carry a bag, he can, right out like that. And every now and then, I hear him shout. I know you probably can't hear him, but he looks at me now.

He's saying, oh, why don't you talk about your stats, Daddy? You know, everyone loves hearing about your stats. He's such a nicky taker. So I did CSEs in, I think, all my subjects except Maths, which was C and Guilds, and again, I put no effort in at all to any of the subjects.

But I was mixed with some people that were doing O-Levels, so I kind of knew people that were a higher, higher level than me. And with A-Levels is sixth form. We found another carry bag.

That's a third carry, no, it's the fourth carry bag that he's found to run around in. Literally, it's one, two, three, four. He's gone all sides of the room.

I think he's way more clued up than I give him credit for. He's doing it to annoy me. I know he is.

Oh, now he's gone to another carry bag, gone back to the original one. What is he doing? Oh, he's looking at me now. You think you're funny, don't you? Wait till I start giving you a bath every day.

I can't do that. Can't do it because of his oils in his skin. That'd be bad for him to give him a bath every day.

But he does need to have a bath more regular than I give him, because he just gets caked in mud and dust. Oh, now he's pulling the bedding out of the bag for some reason. So he likes to be in the bag, but he also likes to be inside the jumper as well.

So sometimes now he's doing that, I can see his little tail sticking out. I say little, he's a big tail. But yes, I sometimes think, imagine if I didn't have a ferret living here and I had my bag on the floor and suddenly it started moving like that.

It's like, oh my God, what's happening? But I do have a ferret, so it doesn't really make sense. Oh, now he's gone to sleep. Good.

Bit late now as we're getting to the end of the recording. So I go to school and I've got these glasses on. And what I remember about it is I felt self conscious, but at the same time, it was like an image change, which I quite liked.

I don't know why. And it's also, I kind of felt I was almost, like there was a barrier between me and the other people, which I very much welcomed. And I think another little part of me possibly thought that I looked a little bit intelligent, which was the opposite to how I felt, you know, I actually felt about myself.

But within about half an hour of wearing them and having people making fun of me, I mean, it's like the whole school got together just to laugh at me. It was ridiculous, seriously. It was like even my little brother, he was only seven and he was making, he was putting his thumb and finger together and sticking it to his head in order to mimic my glasses.

And then his eyes wide open, where are you? Where are you, Jason? Oh, there you are. I was like, he was seven. I was being made fun of by a seven year old.

Never forgiven him. Never. I am.

There's nothing to forgive. And it was just, I wore them for, I think, a few days. And that was at the time when my dad got me in, he didn't get me in the garden, he spoke to me in the garden and he said, you know, I was coming up, I literally had probably about a week or two before I left school.

And he said, so what are you going to do? What are you going to do for work? I said, I don't know. He said, well, you better get yourself a job. You know, now if you leave school, you have to work.

And I hadn't really, I honestly hadn't given it any thought. Apart from one thing that I wanted to do, I wanted to go to Australia and learn monkey boxing, which was a style of Kung Fu. And I used to, I think I might have had a couple of books on the subject.

And I used to read the martial arts magazines and read the interviews with the person that did it. And I just like, oh, I wanted to be his student. Other than that, maybe go to become a Shaolin monk, like a Shaolin Kung Fu.

But something about Australia and it just appealed to me. But the reality was, you know, well, the reality was I didn't do it. And I suppose I could still do it in the future, but it'd have to be some kind of special disabled monkey boxing style.

There's no way I could be jumping around like a fully fledged, physically able monkey, you know, doing handstands and climbing up trees and stuff. I would have to, I'd have to have one with a walking stick or something, because I don't have the flexibility to do that stuff anymore. But it's like, oh, I do just, I would love to have gone down the route of martial arts, like in a more deeper level than I had.

So I'd done it for a couple of years while I was at school. And it was the only thing I was interested in at that time. The only thing.

I was obsessed with karate, Kung Fu. I loved boxing as well. You know, I just, I just loved all that stuff.

I mean, loved, obsessed with it. And as well as the witchcraft as well, actually. But hey, that's a separate thing.

I don't know if I've ever really talked about that. But I had a period when I was really into the occult. And anyway, I did the occult and you've not mentioned it.

Why have you not talked about that then, JJ? I don't know. I don't know if it fits in with the sleep we call, you know, sleepy session. But never, you know, I've always been, from a religious perspective, I was a Catholic, then I was a Christian, then I was a Buddhist.

So I've kind of been in three religious organizations. The Christian, the Catholic, I lived with Catholic nuns and had a church in my garden. So you could say I was quite deeply into it, but not by choice.

And then, so I went to church every day. But again, not by choice, it was just forced upon me. As a Christian, I class myself as a Christian, even though my dad said, you're Church of England, C of E. But I really got into Christianity when I was probably about 12.

The Gideon's Bible, the Gideon's came around to my school and handed out these God Bibles, these tiny little Bibles. And I just, I'd already knew about the Christianity, the story of Jesus, because I'd been taught about it from an early age. And we had religious studies back then, which was mainly about Christianity.

And then when I got to high school, they'd start talking about Islam and Sikhism and Buddhism and, you know, various Catholicism, you know, various different sort of religions. And which interested me, because I always found an interest in people's belief systems and how limiting it can be, or how freeing it can be as well, depending. So I went through a period where I was really, and I think what it was, is my dad was ill.

He had a tumor in his neck and he had to have an operation. And it's a really serious operation. And they didn't, I was told that by my stepmom, they weren't sure if he was going to survive the op.

And if he did, would he survive? Because they didn't know what it was, if you know what I mean, what it was inside him. So I was praying and I almost became like a born again Christian kind of situation. But by my own means, I was studying the Bible, reading the New Testament continuously, break times, lunch times, at home.

I was praying, praying for my dad, praying for his recovery, praying, you know, that he was well and that he, you know, all that stuff. And I was 12, I think, probably 11 or 12. And then I suppose it fizzled out a bit, but really, it was really, really big in my life for a period of time.

So, you know, I've definitely read the Bible, which is 100% a few times, especially the New Testament more than the Old Testament, to be fair. And although I have, I don't know if I've read the entire Old Testament, I think I have, because I was given one when I was about 10 or 9, about 9. So I had to, but it was an Old and New Testament, so it was like a big old thick old book with pictures. And I should have kept it really, because it was like a family hair loop or something.

So, and I don't know. I didn't keep it though. And then I got really into Buddhism, like proper, read lots and lots of books, lots of books, right from the age of 21 or 20.

Yeah, it's like the early 90s all the way through to, I don't know, a few years back. I was reading Buddhist books. I used to collect Buddhist books.

I had a lovely library in 95, 1995. And I sold them because I was about to be homeless. So I thought, well, I'll try and sell these books back to a bookshop, secondhand bookshop.

And they were happy to buy them off me. So I sold, I don't know how many I had, probably 40 or 50 really good books, proper like Zen books and Tibetan Buddhism. And yeah, a lot of good stuff there.

And then again in 2002, I started another library of Buddhist books and packed loads and even more this time. And yeah, but anyway, the glasses, my dad said, oh, you're going to get a job, you've got to get a job. So what I did is I went into a local chip shop and said, can I have a job? And they said, yeah, come and see me later.

I did. And I got a job in a chip shop. And I don't think I wore my glasses after that at all.

Not even for reading. I put them in the glass case and that was it, gone. I had them, but I didn't wear them.

And the weird thing about it is I remember once I decided to leave, to run away, even though I was 15, so I still wasn't like an adult, but I decided to run away, I suppose. So I walked from my town all the way to the next town via the motorway. I was walking at the side of the motorway and I had my glasses on.

And it was almost like a, I don't know, kind of a spiritual adventure because I was leaving, but I was literally leaving with nothing. I had my money, I had just the clothes on my back, and I had my glasses. And then I got a lift back, a hitchhike back, and no one knew that I'd run away.

I'd run away a few times, but no one knew about it. And the good thing about it, because I was a kid or young, people would stop to see if I was okay, because I'd be at the side of the motorway. And if they see you, you've got no backpack or anything like that.

All I had was just, I don't know, I might have had a bottle of water or something with me. And they'd stop and then take me back to where I always wanted to go. And then I didn't wear any glasses at all until 1989.

I was in London. I was staying in this, living in this little room, renting a room out, and working on an agency, very small amount of money, like £98 a week or something I was earning. It was £89, I don't know, but a very small amount.

And I was buying food and then I was buying books. So I tried to buy one book a week, but I realised that my eyes were feeling strained reading. So I went to the opticians and they gave me glasses.

They said, you need glasses for reading, but not for anything else. And I said, oh, wow. Because I used to have, I used to need glasses for all the time.

They said, well, your vision has corrected itself, but you do need glasses for reading, especially if you do a lot of reading, which I did, I suppose. So I've got my glasses there. And I remember I got them, I was all excited, went to pick them up.

And I think I was looking out the window and I remember sitting down on my bed onto the glasses. I sat on the glasses, the first, within about half an hour of getting them, and sort of bent them out of shape. But luckily I was able to sort of bend them back.

I was like, wow. And I remember that time because living in that room, there was, I don't know how it worked out, but I was able to sit on the windowsill outside, but safely, you know, there was some kind of way of sitting out there. I think it was like on a roof or there was something.

And I'd sit out there in the evening and it was spring. So it was, you know, I'd get home about half four or five and I'd sit out for like an hour or so reading. And it'd be so lovely, like fresh air.

It wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold. And it was bright. Because by then, that's a good thing about the weather, isn't it? And here it's dark still, but it's getting lighter all the time.

In the morning, it's getting lighter earlier. It's staying lighter longer in the evening. And it's only the 2nd of February or 3rd of February, whatever.

So no, it's the 2nd today, isn't it? Yeah. Of 2020. It's 02.02.20.20. That's the date today.

I was like, oh, wow. I don't remember the last time we had a date like that. There's never been a date like that, has there? It's the only time there's ever been a date that has that date, those numbers in that order.

And so I got those glasses and I just remember the, I don't know, it kind of gave me, it gave myself a little bit of a boost for wanting to read because reading wasn't a chore anymore, as far as it wasn't giving me eye strain or anything. But when I first got glasses back in, when I was 15, the, bearing in mind, I was 18 back in 89. So I was still a teenager.

I was still a kid, really. But when I was 15, I had, the doctor, the optician said that I, one of my eyes was wonky. Wonky, wank, wang, wonky, yeah.

And I said, what do you mean? He said, well, it wasn't, they weren't both looking in the right direction, which I thought that can't be right because that would have been picked up at school. I'd have been completely ripped apart by everybody at school if I had something that was obviously, my eyes were in any way different because kids can just be brutal. And my brothers would have made fun of me, but nothing.

But the dentist says to me, yeah, your eyes, they're kind of offline. Of course, now we think offline, we think of the internet, don't we? But back then, there was no internet. And it gave me this patch to wear over my good eye, to train my left eye, my lazy eye, he said, to start working a bit more.

So when I wasn't at school, I had to wear this patch over my good eye. Couldn't always remember which one was the good one, but I think it was my right eye or my left eye was a good one. It's kind of one of them, isn't it? And well, it wasn't my third eye.

And I had to do these exercises where I had to hold a pencil up or a pen, you know, a pen pencil shaped object, a long, thin thing. It didn't have to be, it didn't have to be a pencil. It didn't have to be a pen.

There was no one that didn't sign a contract saying, I will use a pen, you know, that kind of object. And I had to follow it. So I had to put the patch on and do those exercises with the so-called lazy eye to strengthen it.

And I did it. I did it for a while, even though I didn't necessarily wear my glasses like I was supposed to, I still did the exercises, because I didn't want to have a lazy eye, because it's like, well, I didn't believe it. But at the same time, I thought, I just, I don't, I didn't, you know, I was a little bit scared, I suppose.

So yeah, I kind of done that. And maybe, maybe I did have a lazy eye and no one mentioned it. It could be true.

And there's a possibility when I was very young, if people had mentioned it, I might have given them something else to talk about. So, you know, I don't know. I really don't know.

I mean, I don't care if people have got lazy eyes or not. I think it's quite, it's not a great name for it, is it? It's almost like you're blaming the person. It's your fault your eye is lazy.

When it isn't, it's no one's fault. It's, I've known people that have got, and I don't care. I don't, I'm not really that bothered about how people look at all.

It's weird, isn't it? Yeah. I remember years ago, there was a bloke at work, and for some reason, he had a little thing about me. I was, you know, I was 19 or 18 at the time.

And he kept shouting out these horrible things to me. You're ugly. He was an alcoholic, so he was drunk all the time.

So I kind of, I put that down to it and I kind of thought, okay. And I didn't want to lose my job. So I pretended to be placid and calm and stuff.

And then once he pushed it a bit too far and I stopped, I turned the radio off. I might not have turned the radio off, but it sounds dramatic, didn't it? I stood on top of a ladder, again, probably didn't happen. Got a loudspeaker, again, that probably didn't happen either.

And I said, Oi, you. So I got his attention, but everyone else turned around as well. There's only about eight of us working in that room.

And I said, do you want, I'm not going to use the actual words, but do you want to, I'm going to use get romantic with me, but that's not the words I actually used. Do you want to, me? And he looked really embarrassed and he said, no. I think he did actually, but he said, no.

I said, well, in that case, why do you care what I look like? And that's a really good, I think that's stayed with me because it's a very valid point. It matters what someone looks like if you're, if what you're doing involves being attracted to the person, but working with someone, you don't need to be attracted to someone to work with them or to be their friend. In fact, it probably helps if you're not attracted to them in some ways.

And he stopped after that. And he was nice to me, until he realized his previous chat up lines weren't working. Oh dear.

So yeah, but then I didn't wear glasses. All I wore them for was for reading mainly, but then I worked in an environment where there was a lot of bright lights and I ended up wearing them all the time for a period of time. And then I didn't wear glasses other than for reading for years and years and years and years.

And then I noticed I couldn't see the numbers on the buses. I used to have to ask people, can you tell me what number that is, please? As it was kind of coming up, so I could like, put my hand out. I never had to say to him which, I put my hand out, I said my left, my right hand, is my hand out now? I can't see it.

And so I went to the opticians and they said, I said, what? They said, well, you're eating a curry. Why are you eating a curry? You're supposed to be here to have an eye test. I said, yeah, but didn't say anything about not eating curries.

I said, but that's not, is that something that there needs to be a rule for? Do you think we need to have signs up? Please don't eat curries. I said, I don't know, I just, I was hungry. And I just had to, to be fair, I didn't bring the curry in, in its present state.

So what do you mean? I said, well, it was a frozen curry. I just got it with my shopping. You see the rest of my shopping? A lot of this frozen food.

And normally I put it in the oven. It takes about 40 minutes to cook. But I noticed you had a microwave, so I used your microwave.

Nine minutes and it was done. Ding, ding, ding, ding. And it's done and I was eating it.

I had to eat it. It's going to be cold by the time I get home. He said, you used our microwave.

I said, well, yeah. He said, it's not, it's not for public use. I said, there was no signs.

There's no signs. Yeah, there's no signs. No signs saying public are not allowed to use this.

And you know, aren't you a member of the public? He said, yeah, but I'm a member of staff. I said, I'm a member of staff, just not here. Anyway, he just said, let's just do the test.

Let's do the thing. And I was working in an office in insurance at the time. And this is back in 2012, I think.

Yeah, 2012. And I got these glasses. I needed three different lenses, one for distance, like for everyday kind of wearing all the time, one for reading and one for the computer screen.

So I ended up getting, is it trifocals? You know, three different, but instead of being all individual, they all melted together. Well, not melted, but you couldn't see that they were trifocals. Cost me a fortune.

I had to pay for it because I was working. So I had to pay probably a few hundred pounds to get these special lenses and the frames and stuff. Anyway, when I actually collected them, I said, it's going to feel a bit weird to start with.

You have to learn to look out the top of the lenses for where you're looking, the middle of the lenses for reading. No, the middle of the lenses for something else. And I think the bottom of the lenses for reading.

So the most magnification was the bottom, I think. Well, anyway, I put them on because I figured, well, that's what they're for. And I go outside and I felt about seven foot tall.

Felt brilliant. Really, because the magnification of the ground. No, wait a minute.

I don't know. Whatever way it was with the magnification, it made the ground further away. That's basically what I'm saying.

The ground was further away from at the bottom of the lenses. Or maybe the middle of, I don't know. I don't know which bit was which, but the ground was further away.

My feet looked like they were about 10 feet away from me. Tiny little feet. I've got a size 10, but my feet looked like size three.

Nothing wrong with having a size three, but I'd fall over, wouldn't I? If I had a size three foot, how do you not fall over if you've got a size three foot? I don't know. So I used to have a size foot seven, but as I put weight on, my feet just got flat and spread out. I've got like duck's feet.

So that was lovely. But it was also weird because I'd be trying to manoeuvre, like walking up steps and stuff. And it's like, I'm tripping up stuff.

Weird. But so cool to feel tall. It's just, if I take my glasses off, I feel taller because the floor's further away because I can't see it.

I can see it, but it's kind of in the distance a bit. So instead of being five foot eight, I feel like I'm more like six foot. I actually feel taller if I walk around without my glasses.

And I can walk around without my glasses, and I wouldn't bang into anything. So I can see a tree, I can see gates, I can see stuff, but I just can't... I'll see someone walking towards me, I can see there's a person there, I just can't see their face until they get closer to me. And I can tell their face when they're probably, I don't know, six, seven, eight foot away.

But before that, it's a bit of a blur if I don't wear glasses. To be fair, I can't see their face from a distance anyway, but I don't really look. Which explains why in the past I've walked past people that I knew, didn't even notice them.

Just that might not explain it at all. I might have just been rude. I don't know.

Anyway, that's the story of my glasses. That's the story of what other things did I talk about today? Andre talked about doing my exams. Yeah.

So I hope it was boring enough, and I hope that you appreciated me not talking about the statistics of the websites and the podcasts. And I think I'm going to maybe talk about the stats once a month, maybe on the first of every month. So, you know, maybe.

Because I listened, re-listened to all of my recordings over the last few weeks. And I did talk about my stats a couple of times, well, three, at least three times. But it's not every day.

But yeah, so I just, I'm always looking to, looking to sort of, I know I can't please everybody. Of course not, never going to happen. And the more people I please, the less people I please.

It's kind of, the more people that like you, the less people that like you. That's just the way it goes with this kind of stuff. But it's at the same time, you know, I'm trying to help people if I can.

It's kind of why I'm doing it, to be useful. So anyway, I'm going to go. I thank you for listening.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Lots of love. Bye.