#322 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (4th February 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes and please subscribe to this podcast. So, what's that? Something on telly.

It's a rude show. Oh, never mind. So I hope you're all well and just give you a few little updates.

I think I should start with the stats because I know how much people enjoy hearing about it. So, I've got a new website. It's still the old, it's still going to be jasonnewland.com. This is basically a podcast.

I'm trying to think. It does make, it makes sense really when you consider everything I do now really is podcasts. Although I do also have, you know, YouTube and stuff.

And as I'm not going to be selling anything, I'm not going to be selling any of the recordings. I don't need to have a shop, an online shop. And if I ever do get to the point where, which I'm hoping to, to write a book, then it'll be on Amazon anyway.

So I can just add the link to my website. Just go to the Amazon, you know, book selling page or whatever it is. So, yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

So what I've done is the, it's a podcast I've had before, but I've just reinstated it, if that makes sense. Just paid for it and it's up and running again. And I'm just waiting for it to connect to my domain name.

It might take a day or two. Most of my recordings are already on there anyway. Because I thought I was using it before, in the past.

I just got up, I've got updated. It's probably a couple of hundred recordings I need to upload. So I'm in the process of doing that now.

They're all going to be organized in categories, you know, so you can, if you want to find the deep sleep whisper ones or the let me bore you to sleep ones or the relaxation hypnosis of stress and anxiety, sleep hypnosis weekly, chronic pain, all the different courses that I've done. They're all organized. So that should be good.

And I'll just be like, well, it is literally a podcast. The same as being on any other podcast. So, you know, it's just another place you can go to, if it's a little bit easier to, you know, find all of my stuff.

And also, you know, on most podcast providers, you know, if you go on, it's iTunes, for example, they'll give you access to the last 250 recordings, which is fine for probably most people that don't usually go above that. But, you know, for those that do go above it, like myself, it's, you know, it's, it's not ideal, but you can go to my website and you can listen to, even though I'm on 321 or something of these ones, you can go all the way back to number one or number six, or, you know, you can't only go down to however, 250 years off of this.

So although it's only about 60 or 70 recordings that you've been missing, that's going to add up, isn't it over the years.

So yeah, so everything's available. You can download and stream just a standard podcast, really. I'm not sure how long it's going to take to connect to the domain name.

But hopefully it will be connected soon. I've also got a SoundCloud podcast back up again. And so I've uploaded, I've only uploaded the the popular recordings onto that one.

So there's still about 700 recordings, but only the podcast, the four podcasts most popular. And every time I produce a new recording, it gets uploaded onto SoundCloud automatically as well. I've also got another podcast, podcast, I can't stop getting podcasts, can I, podcast.co. Okay, so I just saw something on telly that I didn't expect to see.

Yeah, podcast.co. So I'm with them. And it's, I forget what the name of the thing is. The podcast, I need to go over to the website, to the laptop rather.

If I'm near the laptop, I'm just going to just, it shouts to me, it whispers to me, it says, Jason, Jay, look at the stats, read the stats out. And then if I say no, in that case, can you lisp? Can you do a little whistle when you talk? No, no, leave me alone. Stop.

It's kind of like just, oh, go on, Jason. Go on. Just do something, do something to annoy people.

No, I don't want to annoy people. I want people, I want everybody to be happy. Every single person in the world, I want them to be happy.

And I want to cater for everybody, every single human. So, you know, I've actually got next to me, and it's on my wall, just to the left of me. It's a quote from Buddy Holly.

It says, the best way to fail is to try to please everyone. The best way to fail is to try to please everyone. That's true.

So true, isn't it? Can't please everyone. There's no point even trying. And the more people like you, the more people dislike you.

So if you look at anyone, look at famous people, you know, they can, there's a comedian that I know of and that I know about, and I know loads of people don't like him, but he's one of the most successful comedians in the country. Possibly in the world, actually, but you know, in the country anyway. He fills out arenas, fills out, you know, makes millions of pounds every year touring.

Yet there's hostility towards him. So it's kind of, the more people like you, the less people like you. It's weird.

It's a makeshift, but it's true. Oh wow. What is anybody that's liked by everybody? Let's face it, even Jesus wasn't liked by everybody, was he? Clearly, you know.

So, and by the way, don't message me saying, I can't believe you're comparing yourself to Jesus. No, I'm not. I wasn't at all.

I'm just thinking about the most, one of the most popular people in history that's still loved and admired and worshipped. That's what I was thinking about. Two and a half thousand years later, and even he was hated by a bunch of people during his life, while he was alive.

Otherwise he wouldn't have been dead, would he? No. Who are other people? Oh, here's some, so there's this hypnotist called Milton H. Erickson, and he's the, he's like the Bruce Lee of Kung Fu. He's a Bruce Lee of Kung Fu.

He's like the Bruce Lee of hypnosis. But Bruce Lee is still, even today, classed as a king of Kung Fu. You know, even though, just through his films and he, you know, he's a legend.

He's a legend. And Milton H. Erickson is the equivalent in hypnosis, to me anyway, and to a lot of people. He's, then some people really slag him off.

Really like, oh, he was this, he was that, and then, then, then, then, then, then. I don't know. Some people have to, I don't know, they seem to be like focusing on the negative.

Focus on the nice things, man. Focus on the nice things. So here's what happened today.

For those of you to like hearing about Andre, he's in my, he's actually on the naughty step at the moment. He's naughty today. Right.

I'm laying down in bed. I've spent quite a bit of time sleeping lately. I go through periods when I'm in bed a lot.

And I try and make use of the time when I'm not in bed. And I make recordings and do some website stuff. But I go through periods, you know, and then other periods when I'm awake a lot.

And this just happens to be one of those times when I'm, seem to be in bed more than I'm awake. And anyway, I'm sort of lying in bed and Andre's just staring at me. And I realize he wants to, he wants me to do something.

So I get up and he starts like getting excited. So I realize it's weird. I've got this almost, I don't know what it is, but like I can read his mind or sort of communicate telepathically with him.

Even though obviously I can't, but just, it just feels that way sometimes. And I realized that he wanted to go out. He wanted to go for a walk.

So I had a wash, got changed, you know, got my clothes off, put some new clothes on, not new, but clean clothes on. Put my hat on, put my jacket on, got all ready. I put him into his bag.

The thing is I've got, so I've got his bag, the one that he sleeps. I put a picture of it on Facebook the other day and he likes it, although he's not sleeping in it right now, but it's his new bag that he sleeps in. I don't have the other bag anymore.

Well, I do, but it's, I can't let him have it because he gets his nails caught in it and he makes such a fuss, which is annoying because I'm trying to help him and he bites me. Not horribly, but just like, I'm trying to help you, you little, and he bites me. I'm trying to get the little bit of cotton that's wrapped around his nail out from under his nail.

And when I'm out, when I'm indoors, I can do it with some scissors, you know, so I can kind of just take him into the bathroom or whatever. But when I'm out, because it happened recently, it's happened a few times, but it happened a while back, recently-ish, and I literally had to put my shopping down, put my glasses on the floor because I can't see up close with my glasses on. So, you know, to see, to see to get the thread from outside, from out of his nail, I need to take my glasses off.

That's what I'm saying. I had to walk across the road to under the street light because it was too dark. And then as I was doing that, he was yelling and he was biting me.

It was almost like he was just trying to show me up to people walking past. Help, help, I'm being attacked. Help, help, who is this man? Help, I don't know him.

It was like, Andre, shut up. I just like, I was trying to help him and he's biting me like, oh. In the end, I got it off him.

So I kind of didn't learn because I still kept putting him in the bag. So it's, you know, what I did is I cut his nails when I got home. But it's got to the point where there's too much thread.

So I got rid of the bag. Anyway, it happened the other day while he was inside my jacket, you know, while I was walking with him. So I had to cut his nails again.

Just, I don't know. I think basically he scratches, he scratches, you know, a little bit like a kitten on a, on a nipple, on a, like a, their mummy. And then I put their, their, their paws against the nipple to get the nipple hard.

And they continue doing it, don't they? Even when they're adults. Cats still kind of have that action. And sometimes they do it on us, don't they? Like do it on your tummy or maybe do it on the floor or whatever.

I think that's what he does. And mind you, he did it to me once on my actual nipple. He, and he bit my nipple.

That's when he was a baby. I didn't know he was going to do it, by the way. I wasn't trying to breastfeed him.

He, I was doing a video. I think it might have been a live broadcast or just a video. And he, and I just had him cuddled and it was summer.

Was it summer? Now I think I might have had me dressing gown on and it was warm inside, but it wasn't summer. I might just had a bath or something. Because sometimes when I've had a bath, I have, I put my dressing gown on and I'll just sit indoors.

Well, I don't go in the garden, not with a dressing gown on. I don't know. Is that illegal? I don't know.

But I will have my dressing gown on and sometimes I'll sit down and it feels quite freeing, quite relaxing. Because I think if I had a garden, like my own garden, like a proper garden, not like some shared thing that I've got at the moment, I probably might go naturist, not for any kind of kicks, but just freedom, you know, just, just a bit of, just to have the knees between, the wind between your knees kind of thing. I mean, I can't remember I had, last time I had any kind of breeze on my bum, you know, so it'd be nice just to have a little bit of wind.

Well, a wind, it'd be nice to have a wind going in a different direction instead of going out of my bum. It'd be nice to just, the freedom of it, but at the same time, complete privacy. I don't want anyone to be seeing me because, well, basically I don't, if I was to do that, I feel like I was somehow supporting the local therapists, because, you know, there'd be so many people in therapy trying to, you know, deal with having seen me naked.

So, you know, I don't, don't want to, don't want to kind of, yeah, no, no, no, I don't want that. So it'd have to be very, you know, private, but at the same time, in the summer, it wouldn't just be in the summer, because we have, I mean, here in England, we have, where I am, we have nice weather all year round. Sometimes, that might sound like a weird statement, but sometimes we'll have the most beautiful days in the winter, almost like summer, maybe not as hot, but it feels like it.

And sometimes in the summer, it's just really, really cold. And spring, it could be anything, honestly, we go through all the seasons in spring and autumn as well. And I've got no idea why some other countries call autumn fall.

And is it because the trees fall off the leaves? Or, I mean, I don't know. You know, is it just because they couldn't, they couldn't get a rhyme, couldn't rhyme with autumn? You know, they wanted that rhyme. Spring forward, fall back.

You know, so spring forward, autumn back. It doesn't, it don't make sense, not one bit. So I don't know.

I don't know. But yeah, it's, we get some weird weather, but it's nice. It's always been like that in my, you know, I'm not an environment denier at all.

I'm not, you know, but the, I don't think I've ever had a hotter summer since I was a kid. So looking probably 1975-ish was, admittedly, we didn't have the hottest day, because we had the hottest day ever last year, you know, on record or something. But we had continuous hot days, way more than I've ever had since I've been an adult.

And it's in the record books. It's like we had plagues of ladybirds. And it was amazing.

It was scorching for, and I was, I was living in Newcastle at the time. And I don't know if Newcastle is even known for being warm, you know, because it's up north. I don't know.

Every, every part of the country gets warm in the summer at some point. But I don't, it was proper hot. And, but I imagine other parts of the country were even hotter.

Maybe like Cornwall or, I don't know, some really places that are known for being really hot, like Scotland or somewhere. And so it was, it was kind of, I quite like that about the weather here. It's not really knowing what's going to happen.

I know we've got weather forecasts, but I don't generally believe what they say. I don't kind of take it as a factual, you know, I kind of think of the weather forecast a bit like horoscopes, you know, that you're in, you read your horoscope in the newspaper. That's how I kind of view the weather forecast.

You know, I'm not really going to plan my day around it. You know, so sometimes I will, but you know, generally not. I mean, really in this, this time of the year, which is what, January, no, February now.

January and February are the two coldest months of the year in England. And even December, December used to be cold. Like when I was a kid, winters used to be really cold.

Summers used to be really hot. Now the summers, we have hot times, have hot days, but not, it's a little bit more muddled, a little bit more, ooh, you know, which I don't really bother me really. It doesn't affect me because I never go on holiday.

If I was to go on holiday, I reckon, you know, if I was to say, if I was to go to Wales, which would be probably a place that I'd quite like to go on holiday, because I've not been since I was a kid. And they've got beautiful beaches there. Phenomenal beaches.

If Wales, the beaches in Wales can match any beach in the world. And I say that with complete ignorance towards all the other beaches, because I've got no idea what the other beaches are like. But even though I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm going to stick to that belief, because that's what everyone else does.

So why can't I? But yeah, beautiful beaches, beautiful beaches in Wales. I'd like to go to Scotland, but I don't know what the beaches are like there. I used to live in Scotland, apparently.

And my oldest brother said that he was in children's homes in Scotland for a short while before he went to Newcastle. So I don't, but I don't remember it. I was too young.

I do not recollect that. But Southend Beach, yeah. I used to live in Southend and it was, I feel, I was a kid, I didn't care.

I didn't care, really. I wasn't interested in whether there was sand on the beach or pebbles or tarmac. I just didn't really care.

I wasn't interested. But as long as I could run around and cause havoc. One of the best beaches, see, if you ever come to England, if you're from other countries, and most people listen to this are from other countries, America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Qatar, Norway, and Norway is somewhere I want to go.

Oh, here's something. I've fallen in love with the Norwegian accent. It's a weird one.

The accent's not weird, it's the weird that I've got this thing. It's because I've watched two television shows where the Norwegian, they speak in English, but it's the Norwegian accent. And I just really like it.

I like it a lot. It's weird. I don't know why.

But the most recent one was, the first one was like about, it was TV, it was a comedy about Vikings. And the second one, the one that I just watched was called Ragnar, and it was about Thor. And it's a TV show.

It's really good. It's on Netflix. And it looks, I think what they do is they film it, but they film it in Norwegian, like with the Norwegian language.

And they also film it with English. So it's kind of, I think that's how they do it, as far as I'm aware, because they just get such a much bigger audience than if there's subtitles. Because even I don't like subtitles, never have.

Just, it distracts trying to watch a screen, watch what's on the screen, and read at the same time. It's just too much going on, really. So I don't, if I'm on the computer, and on my laptop, I have to be really careful what I watch on the telly.

So I can't watch anything that's even got some subtitles. Because of course, I'm listening to what's happening. So I miss stuff out.

I can't really watch action films. So the only kind of films I can really watch, you've got a bit of Andre action there. What's he doing? Is he doing a big wee wee? Andre, are you going to come give me a cuddle? You can scratch yourself.

Now he's going back into my tracksuit bottoms. Loves it in there. And yeah, this Raggedore, really good TV show.

And it's drama. It's basically about a young lad, I think he's, I don't know, 17 or something. And it goes to a new school with his brother.

And he just gets into the town and some old lady gives him some powers and passes on the show because it happens right at the very beginning. And that's what the whole show is about. And then he starts to discover what he can do.

It's really good. I'm not going to sort of say any more about it. Because I don't want to spoil it.

But it's on Netflix. It's called Raggedore. I think Raggedore.

And it's the same title as one of the Thor films. So I'm sure I call it Ragnoroff. But it's really good.

Really, really, really good. There's only like six episodes in it. I think each episode might last an hour, 40 minutes, an hour, something like that.

It was over too soon. Really. I just, oh, I want to see more.

So it's good. Really good film. But it's the accents.

Not all of them. Because a lot of them don't really have strong Norwegian accents. But some of them really do.

And it's the ones that do that are, I like it. So yeah, I don't know why that is. I did date someone from Norway briefly.

Was it a couple of people? A couple. It might have been a couple. No, well, one wasn't really a date.

It was sort of a short date. But there was one I did see that I did. She was a nurse.

And I don't even remember her name, funny enough. It was quite an, I say unusual name, but it was unusual as far as it stands out amongst the names that I've known. And I've never known anyone with that name before.

Although I think there was someone with that name in the TV show that I watched about the Vikings. How interesting. So I've got the bag ready.

I've got my coat on. I've got my hat on. Standing at the front door, waiting to go out.

I go to pick up Andre and he's running away. So he's turned it into a game. Like, you wanted me to get ready.

He was basically laying down, staring at me the whole time I was getting ready, having a wash, getting dressed. Mind you, when I was having a wash, she was biting my ankles, looking up occasionally, giggling and then biting my ankles again. Like, he's so cheeky.

And then, I'm sure I heard him say, put it away, dad, put it away. It's like, what? Nothing, nothing. You ready yet? Love you.

So I'm ready. I'm just waiting now. I've got the bag.

I'm not putting him in the bag. I'm just going to put his harness on, because it's not just a lead, it's a harness. It goes across his chest as well, not just on his neck.

And he is like, jumping away from me. I said to him, look, if you want to come out, come in now, don't mess about. So he walks up to me and lets me pick him up.

So I put his thing on, put the lead on and we go out, lock the front door, go out downstairs. It's cold. It was cold outside.

And because I hadn't been out for two days, I didn't go out yesterday or this was yesterday, actually, when this happens, it's now early hours of the morning, the next day. So that was Monday, Sunday, I didn't go out. Saturday, I went to the garage, I think.

Did I? Did I? Did I? Did I? Yeah, I think I did. I think I did. And then, yeah, I think so.

So, I didn't realise what kind of temperature it was going to be. But, so I went, you know, I was like, ooh. So I was okay, because I had my hat on, had my underpants on and tracksuit bottoms on, socks, shoes, two t-shirts, a light jacket and my coat on top.

You know, I didn't have any gloves because I gave them to a homeless person, because I'm just wonderful. And so I want to try and get them back. I'm trying to get this, excuse me.

I only lent you those gloves. And I need them back now, thanks. That'll be interesting.

And I, so I'm walking down, I'm holding on to him. He's shivering. So I put him inside my jacket.

I got the empty bag, the new empty bag that he sleeps in. It's on, partly on my back. So I've got, because there's two straps on the back.

So you can have it on your back. You could put your arms through each strap. It's a little bit of a strain for me to get it on because of my, I don't know, I'm not used to sort of having stuff on my back.

So there's a lot of maneuvering to try and fit it on my back or to fit my arms through it. And so I just had like one arm through one of the arm holes, is it an arm hole? Straps, arm strap. And my carrier bag, because what I did is my carrier bag was in my cupboard, which was in the, actually it might not have been.

I might got it from on top of the recycling bin, which is on top of the freezer in the kitchen. I might got it from there or I might have got it from the, yeah, there's a cupboard in my bathroom. It's got a big white door and a mirror on it, but inside it is one, two, one, two, three, three shelves, maybe four shelves.

I think three, three, one, one, two, two, three, maybe four. And I keep bags in there, like a carrier bag, bag full of carrier bags. And so they're in there.

So I try and, and they're bags for life. So I try and reuse them, you know, try and buy lots of them. And so I don't chuck them away.

I keep them and I use them. And then as I took one, I said, I'm not sure if I got it from the cupboard in the bathroom or whether I got it from the kitchen, because I don't mean to. It's not like something, but I have a tendency of putting stuff on top of the recycling bin, which is basically just a storage box, like one of those plastic storage boxes, but big.

And I say big, but it's, it's, yeah, it's fairly, fairly sized. So I have that on top of the freezer because I used to have it on the floor, but Andre used to enjoy getting in there and rubbing himself all around and who knows what, and grabbing all the stuff and spreading the bits all over the flat. That used to be his, one of his little hobbies.

Daddy, I'm recycling. No, recycling doesn't mean what you're doing to it. Oh dear.

Anyway, now I put it on top of the freezer so that Andre can't get to it without a ladder. And so I'm holding him inside my jacket on the left hand, the left side of my jacket. And what I do is, I'll hold, sometimes I'll have my hand in my pocket to hold him up so he doesn't slip down or I'll just hold him from outside.

So he's nice and comfortable and he's supported and he sticks his head out and there's a little look. And I had the carrier bag in the bag, you know, the, it's a blue and red bag. It's, anyway, so I've got that and Andre's walking really slowly.

He's really walking slowly because in the end, I put him down on the grass. So I'm holding him until we get to the grass and I put him down. And this is quite happy to be walking on the grass and rubbing himself against everything and getting as much mud on himself as he can.

You know, just standard stuff. And eventually, we managed to get to the bit where I hold him across the road. I don't hold him across the road, I hold him while I cross the road.

And then I put him down again and then we walk up to the next road and then I hold him again when I cross the road. There was a car coming but it was a fair distance away. I think it might have been a van but there was no other traffic at all.

So I cross over part of the road, you know, to the little bit in the middle and then there's no other traffic there. I still look right because I learned years ago that not all drivers can tell the difference between right and left. So, you know, even one-way streets don't always, aren't always adhered to those rules.

I've seen it. So I always look both ways even if it's a one-way traffic. As I turn, I also look left as well and I cross the road and I thought, should I let him walk the rest of the way to the garage? But suddenly loads of lorries appeared.

I don't mean it just didn't just appear, you know, like some big magic show. It's, you know, it went for everywhere, you know, on the pavement, in the ditch, in the field, flying in the sky. It wasn't that kind of situation.

It's just sort of because at night, it seems to be the most busiest time for lorries and the later it gets, the more lorries there are. It's constant. But this was quite early in the evening.

It's probably about nine o'clock, something like that. So I decided to hold on to him, hold on to Andre, not the lorry. And the lorries were very close.

They hooked to the pavement as well. Wow. Because the road is only small, it leads to a motorway.

So the traffic is basically moving. The motorway traffic has come from there, a lot of it. But it doesn't, you know, the road itself isn't very big.

And there's inches between each side, really. So two lorries were going past each other. You'd be lucky to fit a sandwich between them.

Maybe three pancakes on top of each other. You know, depending on how thick the pancakes were. A jam sandwich.

By the way, some people call jam, jelly. Go and have a jelly sandwich. Why do you call it jelly? It's not jelly, it's jam.

Jelly is a thing that's wobbly. And I don't know, how would you explain jelly? Jelly is something that's cold, made out of gelatine, flavoured, moulded, and set, and then left in the fridge to set. And then you take the mould off and it wobbles, like something that wobbles.

Now that's a jelly. Here, in my country, that's what a jelly is. Jam is something that's in a jar, called a jam jar.

But then kind of, the jar gets named by the contents. You know, peanut butter jars, it's where peanut butter is. That's where peanut butter lives.

Marmalade jar is where the marmalade lives. Marmite jar is where the marmite lives. What's that other stuff, that lemon? Lemon turd.

Lemon turd is where the lemon turd lives. I like lemon turd, it's really nice. It's very, it's, I haven't had it for years.

I need to go and get some. Put that on some bread. Oh, it's lovely.

What other things is there? I mean, you've got, you know, you've got strawberry jam, but you probably wouldn't, you know, it's a jam jar. I don't think you need to go by the flavour. You know, it's a raspberry jam jar.

Does it matter? No, because that one over there is a strawberry jam jar, but it's just a jam jar, surely. Just a jar, isn't it? And someone else that comes along and says, yeah, but it's the same as the peanut butter. It's just a jar.

No, it's not. That's a peanut butter jar. This is a jam jar.

The infighting jar people. Always jarring each other off. Puns, puns, puns.

I can't itch your leg. So I'm standing there. Well, I'm holding him.

I'm kind of trying to get as close to the, to the ditch really, as I can to get as far away from the lorry as possible. Because they're, they're not, to be fair, not going fast, fast, but they're probably going, they're going fast enough. And, and I get to the garage.

There's one person there, I think, filling their petrol up or doing something. Anyway, they might not be filling it up. I mean, they might just be putting in a little bit, just enough to get home.

And it'd be rude of me to ask them really. And so I draw, I go and have a look, see how much I've got in the bank. And I've got enough to draw out 20 pounds.

So I draw 20 pounds out. And I get myself some little colored bits of food and stuff in the garage. I didn't have any cans of Coke, so I couldn't get any cans of Coke.

I need to get some breakfast cereal. So I've got some wheat a bit. So I've got some milk and I've got a sandwich.

They've got this meal deal, which is, yes, sandwich, bottle of Coke and some crisps for 4.99, which is a really good, really good value because the bottle of Coke on its own costs about one pound 49 or one pound 99, something like that. The crisps cost about 69, 79 pence. So it's a good price.

So I got that. And I'll probably make it last two days as well, the sandwich and the crisps. So I thought, I'll get a couple of chocolate bars.

You know me, I don't really, I rarely eat chocolate. I forget what it tastes like sometimes. I go so long without eating it.

So I thought, I wonder what it's like. I'm sure I used to like it. I've heard the crunchy bars are nice.

And I remember, yeah, but I've had crunchy bars before. Oh, I bet they're yummy. Anyway, so I got a couple of chocolate bars, special offer, two for one pound 50 instead of 89 pence each.

I thought, yeah, this is going alright. The Weetabix I got wasn't on special offer and the milk wasn't either. But everything else was kind of a bit of a deal, you know, bit of a deal.

And I think it came to just under 12 pound altogether. Now I'm in the middle aisle and what do I notice? Movement and the bag suddenly becomes lighter. Because at this point, Andre's inside the bag.

So I'm not allowed to have him outside the bag when I go into the carriage. He's escaped from the bag and he's on the floor about to go underneath one of the aisles, you know, whatever you want to call them, where they have stuff, produce, you know, the shelving, you know, he's about to go under one of those partitions. Now the woman in there does not like him, does not like me either.

But does not like him and has been rude about him in the past. And that's what happened in the bag and I make sure that he's, you know, she doesn't see him so that she doesn't flip out. And suddenly he's on the floor.

This is like, oh my God, this is a worse scenario. Okay, it could have been worse if he started crouching down and looking at me. Look what I'm doing dad, get out of this one.

You know, so that would be, yeah, that would have been worse. I went to grab him and he went, he bit me, like snapped at me. When I say he bites me, he doesn't actually bite me.

He bites me but not hard. He just, it's like a warning, like, oi. And I managed to get him and I go to put him inside the bag.

So I put him inside the bag. I'm thinking, do they, you know, because I'm crouching down, I'm starting to think, does the person behind the counter think I'm stealing stuff, putting it into a bag? Because I think they get quite a lot of that in the garage and I'm not a thief but it's like, oh, I'm clearly putting something into the bag but it's hidden, it's a ferret. It's an Andre.

So I put him in. I do the zip up. Next thing I know, he's halfway out the bag again.

It's like, out, what? He's broken the zip. So whatever he did to get out of that bag, he has destroyed the zip of the bag. He's ripped it open.

So it's all unfretted. So it won't close either side now. You go one side and it's open the other side.

It's broken the bag. So knowing that the lady in there has a real issue with him, from past dialogues that I've had with her, I'm holding the bag. I've got him in there.

I've had to scrunch it up, not hurting him, but he's just had to make sure it's closed all the way down so that he can't get out. So I'm one-handed. So with the other hand, luckily I've got really long arms, so I just stretch my arms out and get all the bits I want.

No, I don't. So I was walking around getting things, putting them on one side of the counter, which the lady wasn't working at, manoeuvring people who were just standing in my way for some reason. And I knew I partly wanted just to walk out.

I thought, no, this is not worth it. But then I thought, no, I've come here, let's get it done. I've got no breakfast to eat if I don't get the Weetabix.

I need the stuff, so I thought, okay. So I do. I go get the milk, get the breakfast, put it on the side, get the sandwich, get the crisps, put it on the side, get the Coke, get a cup of chocolate bars, put it on the side.

And I'm queuing, and I move the stuff over to another bit, which is near the till, with one hand again holding onto him. He's wiggling about, so I'm sort of telling him off. From the outside, it might look like I was talking to my bag.

So the people in the shop, because there was about three or four people in there in the garage at this point who were shopping. Now, I know that the lady behind the counter knew what I was doing, because she'd have known that he was in the bag. But the other people in the shop probably didn't know.

So they thought I was having a conversation with my bag, telling my bag to behave, telling my bag, wait a minute, we'll be done in a minute. Telling my bag, I've got to pay for this, just stop. So yeah, it was a bit weird.

And so I get to the counter in the end, the person in front. Everything was going in slow motion, because I wanted it to speed up. I wanted the person in front of me to hurry up, pay for his stuff, and leave, get out of the way, because I didn't know how much longer I could hold the bag without him getting out, because there was nothing to stop him getting out other than my hand.

And I said to the lady, can I have a carrier bag, please? And I chucked the 20 pound on the counter, so I didn't have to get that, that was in my pocket, put that down on there. And I said, oh, don't worry, because I realized I had the carrier bag underneath my arm. So I must have taken it out of the other bag.

It's just like, I don't remember, how did it get under my arm? I don't know. That's the carrier bag that I got from either the bathroom cupboard or on top of the recycling bin thing in the kitchen. It's a bag for life, so I think I might as well use it.

And I start to put stuff into the bag. And the lady says, well, I haven't taken for that yet. And I'm trying to do this one handed, and stuff's falling on the floor.

Oh, this is just... And eventually, I kind of say, have you taken for that? Have you taken for that? She said, yes, yes, yes. I put it in the bag. And eventually, she took the money, you know, because she had the 20 pound was on the counter, took that, took the money.

And I left. All the time, I was waiting for her to say something about Andre. But she didn't, which I'm glad about.

And the relief of getting out of there. Yeah. So I got out.

And I then went, walked up the road. I got him out straight away, and put him inside my jacket. And I put the carrier bag inside his bag, and it stuck on his shoulder.

And then he seems happy enough. And as soon as I crossed the road, and got to a bit of greenery, you know, where he could walk, I put him down and he walked home. He seemed happy enough after that.

And we just walked. He was walking slowly. But although he does, he walks faster when we're going home.

Once he realizes we're going home, there's a part of the park that he knows that that's the way home. He could find his way home from there. He doesn't need me.

Wherever he would, because I think he'd get distracted. As you know, he kind of goes where he wants to go. But if he wanted to get home, he could.

He knows his way back, because he leads me back. Because I actually taught him, but when he was a baby, when I first started taking him for walks, I'd just stand still and say, take us home. Take us home, Andre.

And I'd follow him. So, you know, first of all, I'd take him out for a few weeks. And then I'd start asking him to bring us home.

And he would. Eventually, he would. Sometimes they'd end up in Liverpool.

But, you know, eventually we got back. And then as he got a bit older, he would just, sometimes he'd run home. If he was hungry or needed to go to the toilet.

He prefers to do it on the carpet than on the grass. Bless him. Oh, and another thing he likes to do is when he's been out, and if it's particularly wet.

Today was kind of fairly mild, rain wise. There's been a bit of rain today, been a bit of wind. So it's a little bit muddy, but he, you know, he, it wasn't, you know, it was okay.

But in the past, this time of year, he'll get completely soaking wet. And the first thing he does when he gets back is, I don't see him, he's gone. I don't know where he is, where is he? And I didn't understand where he was going to, so I used to just ignore it.

Then I realised, he'd climb into my bed. He'd dry himself off on my bed. That was his way of drying off, on my bedclothes, my bedding.

Especially if I dragged him through the puddles. Okay, it sounds like I didn't drag him through, but I'd manipulate him into the puddles. Because I thought it'd be good to get his feet wet, you know, to sort of clean his feet a little bit.

And he gets his revenge on that one. Because he knows, he knows I'm not going to pick him up if he gets all wet and dirty. But at the same time, he'll stop when someone walks past.

He was just like, look at them, stare at them, like a dog walker, or sometimes they're on their own. And they'll quite often, they'll stop and say, Oh, he's lovely. And I'll stop and say hello to him.

And he knows that I'm going to pick him up. Because it always happens because I forget that he's covered in mud, caked in mud, and dirty and wet. He forgets, I forget that.

He knows it. He does. He plans it.

So I pick him up. And he just rubs himself all over me, all over my jacket. And if he can, he'll climb inside my top and rub it all over my t shirt and everything.

Dry himself off. I hear him keep going. I do.

Very manipulative he is, very much. So now I can't take him out in the bag. Can't take him to anywhere with that bag.

So the bag has to stay here. It's of no use to anyone but him because he loves the bag. So I'm not going to take the bag away from him.

But I can't, I can't take him to the garage anymore. Unless I've got someone to go with me. And usually I'll go with my friend but I haven't seen him for a few days so I don't know where he is.

It's easier if I go with someone because then Andre can stay outside while I go into the garage. That way I can take him for a walk. I haven't got to carry a bag around with me.

So yeah. Now let me tell you about the stats. Yesterday, long ago.

Thank you for listening and I will be back again tomorrow with more, more excitement to send you to sleep. So thank you for listening. Take care of yourselves.

Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy with lots of love. Bye.