#345 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (5th March 2020)

Hello and welcome to my hiccups. I got hiccups just as I started doing this. Hopefully it'll stop in a minute.

So welcome to jasonnewland.com. Yep, I'm hiccuping again. My name is jasonnuland. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

And this is let me bore you to sleep. Oh, I don't know if I've ever had hiccups before or during a recording, not ever before ever. But I used, that was loud wasn't it? I used to get hiccups when I used to drink alcohol.

Oh, it's like lager. And I know how to get rid of hiccups. But it involves not talking.

So that's not really ideal for this here recording. Now let me read you, let me read you an email I just got. Where are you? Okay, so this is an ongoing thing.

And I'm reading this not in a, this is in no way, oh. Oh my god, these hiccups, wow. I can't read it to you because it's not there.

That's weird. It was there. So I just got an email anyway.

And so the gist of the email basically was, and it was about the adverts. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do about the adverts.

It's almost, you know, I've got the adverts to cover the costs of the service. But I don't want to cause, I suppose harm is not the right word, because obviously I don't want to cause harm. But I don't think adverts is harmful.

And most things have, you know, standard kind of thing, adverts. But for people that listen and fall asleep and then get to the next recording, and then suddenly this slight advert comes on that could be disruptive and, you know, and I completely understand that. And I can understand how it would be annoying.

Genuinely, I think that would annoy me. So I actually got this message now, just literally a couple of minutes ago, I read it and I replied. And it was a lovely message.

It was regarding the Deep Sleep Whisper recording, that podcast. And basically, I have replied to that message and to Megan. But it's a heim, heim again, heim.

And if you've seen the reply, you already know what I'm about to say. But what I decided to do, because I've had a mixture of people, some saying I prefer not to have adverts. And other people saying, well, you should have adverts because you need to cover the costs.

Which I do need to cover the costs. I can't, I just need to cover the ongoing. Because it goes up in price, because the amount of podcasts I have.

And also I need to cover the costs, the over reduced I had the other day, $50. Wow, I bored you all about that a couple of days ago, so I won't go into that again. And, so what I've done, and I'm still in the process of doing it, but I decided, I decided, but I was thinking, how can I have it so that people who don't, who want to listen continuously, don't want to be disrupted by adverts? What can I do? How can I sort of come to a, like a medium, like a, you know, the middle way, as far as it goes.

And what I came up with was this. And what I've done is this. On my website, I have three pages, they're in the menu, so you can, you know, you can find them easy enough.

The three main podcasts that I have, I might do it for the relaxation, for stress and anxiety, but at the moment I've done it for the three sleep ones that let me go into sleep, deep sleep, whisper hypnosis, and sleep hypnosis weekly. So I've got three different pages with three different playlists on the pages, one on each one. And so basically you can do it on your, on your laptop or tablet, but also you can do it on your phone.

Just go, go click on that page and press, I mean, you can go down to a particular recording if you want, but you can also just press play at the top and it will play that recording, no adverts. And then it'll go to the next recording when it's finished, no adverts, then the next recording, no adverts. And yeah, so that's it, basically there's no adverts.

So I've set up three new podcasts, uploaded all of the recordings, gone through the whole, I've even made new images for them, like new logos for each of them. They're not available on any of the podcast providers. They're only available on my website.

So you can't listen to it on Spotify or, you know, iTunes or any of the other podcast hosts online or any of the apps. It literally just needs, you can only listen to it if you go to my website and go to the actual page, the podcast page. And the podcast page would be, let me bore you to sleep, no ads, continuous play, or deep sleep, whisper hypnosis, no ads in brackets, continuous play, or the last one, sleep hypnosis weekly in brackets, no ads, I think capital letters, I think, and then continuous play.

So I've kind of made it as basic as I could. So you just click on whichever one you want. The page opens up, there's a playlist with every single recording on there.

I mean, you have to sort of go down to, if you want to go down to sort of the earlier ones, because there's a lot, there's a lot of recordings. And then just press play. And you can listen to the whole thing, no adverts at all.

It's there. So I hope that's useful. And it just means that, you know, you're not contributing towards the costs of running this service.

But it doesn't matter. I don't really care. It's, you know, it's mainly just, I want to, I just want to offer, it's a free service.

And I want to offer it in a way that's useful. Basically, that's, so I hope that's okay. I hope that's, I hope that makes sense, made sense to me.

And I told one person about it, and it made sense to them. Or at least they said that it made sense, that they might be lying. So no ads, three podcasts, and you can play them and they will just play continuously.

You don't have to do anything. Just press the play button and it does the rest. As long as you've got an internet connection, it will just continuously play with no adverts.

And that's it. The Deep Sleep Whisperer and the Sleep Hypnosis Weekly are all uploaded and all ready to go. It's done.

The Let Me Bore You To Sleep ones, it's still ready to work. It works already. It's all up and running.

But not all of the recordings are on there yet. I'm in the process of, I think there's 100 or 120 recordings on there. And I'm in the process of uploading up to 150 as we speak.

And then I'll probably manage to do maybe another 50 or 100 tonight. And I'll do the rest tomorrow, or today, because it's just turned midnight, I think. So yeah, it takes quite a while.

And when I'm uploading such large files, such large amounts, I can't do anything else on the internet, including even streaming anything on the telly. So I can't always have it running. So I've got it at the moment because I don't need the internet while I do this.

But yeah, I'm quite pleased with it. I think it seemed like quite a good idea. Sort of, it covers everything, doesn't it? So you can listen and, you know, on the app, on the normal app, that you listen to it with the adverts.

You can go to my website and listen without adverts. Or you can download the individual recordings completely free off of my website. So it's, you know, there's something for everyone really, in a sense.

So yeah, yay, yay to me. I don't know if the Relaxation for Stress and Anxiety podcast would be useful without adverts. Maybe.

Oh, this squeaky chair. Squeaky chair and an itchy thigh. What a combination.

So yeah, I want to reiterate something as well to RiRi. Wow. That's all I'm saying there.

Wow. So that's to RiRi. Wow.

Double wow. So I like these little secret messages. Who else should I do one to? I don't know who else is listening.

Oh, I'll tell you what happened today. I had a delivery of five of my strippers. I got my strippers delivered, my strips rather, the Sampoo strips for my garden shed that's in my bedroom.

And notice the hiccups are gone. I distracted myself by talking about the website. So I've got these strips, I've got five delivered.

So I'll put them up tomorrow probably. I ordered 20 and two of my, two listeners have actually ordered one each to be delivered as well. And I only know one of those people.

And I did thank her. But the other person, I don't know who it was that ordered it. But I mentioned this a few days ago, the order, I had an order delivered, apparently 10, 10 strips delivered, which would be a big package.

In fact, it'd probably be three, four, five. It might be like two or three or four packages to fill that amount. And apparently it was delivered on Saturday the 22nd of February.

And it wasn't, it really wasn't. And apparently it was signed for, and it wasn't. And the person that came here today that delivered it, he didn't even ask for it to be signed.

He just delivered it. So when they say it was signed for, I think what they mean is they just signed it themselves. And I asked the man, he's very friendly.

I said to him, I've had a package that wasn't delivered, but Amazon said that it was. And he said, when was that? I said, weren't you listening? He said, what? I said, I just said it on a recording. He said, no.

I said, why? He said, well, you're not doing a recording tonight, are you, later on? This is, you know, early afternoon. I said, oh, okay. Yeah.

I forgot about the concept of time. And he said, well, let me have a look. And he looked on his little computer thing.

And he said, no, I wasn't even working. I had two weeks off. And I said to him, well, during those two weeks off, you weren't by any chance soundproofing a shed in your bedroom, were you? He said, no, who would have a shed in their bedroom? I said, no one.

So, uh, that was, it was really nice. I think, I don't know what, I don't know. Maybe it was a temp.

Maybe it was a dodgy person that came and just didn't deliver it. Maybe the company has made a mistake and it just hasn't been delivered or sent out. Maybe it's a thief locally, that lives locally, that's stolen it off the, maybe it's left outside on the front door and they just went and stole it.

And because I can't just go into people's houses and check, it's, it's an impossible situation, really. I put the feelers out. I've told a couple of people that there's a reward in it.

If they find out who took them, but not heard anything back yet. It's, uh, yeah, I've got a few like ideas who it might be, but it's hard. It's hard to kind of really know.

It doesn't really matter either. It's 55 pound I've lost. That's a lot of money.

Plus it's 10, 10 strips that would have really made a difference to the inside of the shed because 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10 strips could probably fill about half of the shed inside. Not the floor, but probably half of the inside. Yeah, about half, maybe more even.

But the only thing about it really is I was hoping to get more. I was hoping to buy more over the next few months, put the 22 or the 20 that I ordered plus whatever was sort of gifted to me and get it to a point where hopefully those 20 would make it soundproofed enough for me to start making recordings in there and then start maybe buying one a week, you know, maybe two a week when I can. So invest like £5.50 or whatever or £10 and just gradually get it to a point where it's just really, you know, really good, really good.

But the issue now is can I trust them? It don't really seem like it, does it? I don't feel like I can trust the company to deliver. And they didn't knock on my door on this. I was there Saturday night when the time they said it was delivered.

So yeah, I don't know. I'm just, it's a shame because it's really good. The soundproofing is really good because it's long but the adhesive on the back of it is really strong.

I mean, I imagine if you had that adhesive on a wall you could practically stick a human to it and it'd stay stuck. I don't know if that's true or not but it's really strong adhesive and it don't come off once it's on, once it's on the wall or the side of the shed or whatever, it ain't coming off. And I've got one, two, three, four, five of those strips on my wall here on the other side of the room because I'm, you know, trying to soundproof the whole flat really.

But it takes time. But I think it's fairly quiet in here when I make recordings apart from the little humming of the laptop as it's chugging away trying to upload all those long let me bore you to sleep recordings. And there's the occasional outside noise and maybe a door slamming here and there.

But you know I had, so that's where I am with that. Maybe I just need to sort of look, go online and look for some more other kind of adhesive soundproofing that's from the UK because this one comes from, it might come from China, I'm not sure. It comes from somewhere but it takes ages to actually get delivered.

That's what I mean. So it would be handy to have something which could be delivered within a couple of days. At least then I know that it's been delivered and then order the next one once I've had that one delivered.

But in this situation I've ordered the next one before the first one's even been delivered which was kind of a mistake I guess. So yeah I'll just do a little bit of research but I can't get any any more soundproofing for probably a couple of months. So it'll probably be this summer.

I reckon it would be this summer before I can start getting some more and just do it a little bit, a little bit like, a little bit by a little bit. Yeah a bit by bit, a little bit by a little bit. Now here's the story of the day.

Do you want to hear any story? Here's a story. I had a meeting today at, it was three o'clock. The meeting was for, it was yesterday not today, yesterday afternoon.

And I, so during the night I was up till five and I said earlier I was spending a lot of time uploading recordings to get these new podcasts, the you know the no ads podcasts sorted and onto the website. And there's a lot of, it's not complicated stuff but it's you know there's certain things I have to kind of put together to do it. And you know I'm fairly pleased with how it's going and it'll be done by later today at some point.

It's not far off being finished. And I made a recording and I went to bed about five, five-ish yeah. I set my alarm for 12 or you know it's five past 12 in the afternoon and I thought I'd give myself enough time to get up, have a bath, have me breakfast, get into town, get some shopping and then get to the appointment.

So that's kind of was my plan. So about five or whatever time was, I paid the hundred pound back to my friend who lent me a hundred pound last week to help me get through because I ran out of money. So I paid her a hundred pounds straight away.

I was supposed, well the agreement was that I was going to pay her 50 pound this week and then 50 pound next week. But I thought no I'll just do it all at once. Get it done and that's less money that I owe.

So it kind of felt quite nice to just get that little bit of stress gone you know. And then I thought okay what I'm going to do now is I'm going to, I actually wrote out a shopping list but I did that earlier because I read it out on the, yeah I read out the shopping list on the, what's it, the recording I did yesterday. So you know I have a bath.

Really I woke up at half 10 and I went online and I sort of did a bit because I was still, so I went to bed and left the uploading of recordings going so because it takes absolutely ages sometimes. And so I did a bit of stuff there and then it was about 10 past 11 and I thought I'll come back to bed. I was proper tired, really tired.

So I did, I went and laid down a bit and I woke up. I think Andre woke me up. I'm not sure what he was doing.

I think he was climbing all over me or something. So I got out of bed. I run the bath or I turn the bath on and whenever I say run the bath I feel like I'm kind of running along the street with a bath on a lead like a dog or something just running it through the streets.

That's a bit weird. So I turn the taps on, the hot tap. Put the plug in, well I put the plug in first then I turn the hot tap on.

I've only got, it's not okay. It's just, I've got a bit of soap but it was kind of, you know when a soap gets to the point where it's just basically not usable. Well it wasn't quite that level yet but it was probably a bath away from that, you know.

So it's just, and I've run out of soap. That was the last soap I had. So that was on my list of things to buy.

So I have a bath and I do all that and I get, I think, yeah I have a bath first. Did I do a bath first before my breakfast? I think I did. And I just checked I had some socks, I did, and some underpants or boxer shorts.

I did, I had that. But they're not the same boxer shorts that I used to wear because when I was younger I used to, I've been wearing boxer shorts since probably 16 and or maybe 15 even. And I went through a period and this was partly because I was working.

And between 15, between the ages of 15 and sort of April and September when I was 16, I was, that was before I went onto the YTS scheme. So I was earning like 60 quid a week. So I had money, which was a lot of money at the time for me.

And I, you know, started buying some underpants. It's an independence thing isn't it? It's like I'm gonna buy my own underpants. Admittedly I didn't wash them but I still bought them.

That was amazing. I didn't, although I did, it wasn't until, was it March or April of the next year. So when I was 16 and that's when I started then to use the laundrette because I was living on my own.

So I was sort of having to wash my own underpants and I started having a bit more respect for the whole underpant washing process. Anyway, so I thought, oh I'll get myself some briefs, you know, some underpants, some nice ones. Not that there was anything wrong with the ones I had but, you know, I thought, because I figured, well, you know, frying chips, fish and chips for people.

I want to feel sexy, you know, I want to feel a bit erotic. I just thought I want to just have some nice underpants. But anyway, and I bought some and I don't know where they were from.

I think it might have been Marks and Spencer's or it might have been Next, I don't know. But anyway, I think they're the only two shops that, I'm not saying that the only two shops that sold underpants because I'm sure there's other underpant shops but I don't know of any other ones. Now the first thing I realized, because I'd never really bought clothes for myself, but I had been clothes shopping, you know, sort of like trousers and jumpers, you know, go in, you know, the changing rooms and stuff and all the shoes that, you know, going to the shoe shop, they'd go up and they'd measure my shoes, my feet and stuff and go and get the pair of shoes.

I'd try them on and it was, I quite liked the shoes in a sense of, I couldn't have hand-me-down shoes. I had hand-me-down clothes because I had two older brothers. So I got their crappy clothes and not all the time because I was really little and I was too small quite often even for their stuff.

But still, just, you know, no one, not underpants but, you know, sort of, or socks but trousers and it's like, someone else's willy's been in there. It's like, it's just, no, this is wrong. And but yes, anyway, that's how it was back then.

It might still be like that, people passing down clothes to, you know, siblings and stuff. But, see, I wouldn't do that if I had kids. I wouldn't do that.

If I had like three children, I wouldn't let them pass down their clothes. What I would do is I would just make them wear the same clothes throughout the whole childhood because I'm a good parent. And so I had these underpants.

You get them really stretchy clothes. That's what you need, isn't it? Basically, what you need for kids is a pair of trousers that the incredible Hulk wears when he's like human because he grows, doesn't he? But he's still got his trousers on or his jeans on or whatever. And then he goes back to being human again or David Banner and his trousers are still there.

So that's the kind of clothes, stretchy clothes. Get your kids stretchy clothes. So basically, when they're first born, that's it.

Stick them in some clothes then and just leave them in the same clothes forever. And if they want new clothes, they've got to go and get a job. Yeah.

So one of the first things I noticed because I went shopping for underpants without parents, without an adult. And I'd always gone shopping for clothes shops, into clothes shops and stuff with a parent. And no one told me that you weren't supposed to try on underpants.

Actually, it wasn't even, you're not allowed to try on the underpants. So that was a bit awkward. Secondly, no one told me that you weren't supposed to come out and look in the mirror and check out what they look like.

You know, walking up and down like you do with shoes on. No one told me that. No one told me that you are not supposed to try on the underpants.

And if they didn't fit right, they didn't feel right, put them back into the packet and then put it back on the shelf. No one told me not to do that. No one said, you know, no one said anything about not farting while you're wearing them.

And for me, farting whilst wearing new underpants that you're testing is the same as kind of maybe jumping up and down with new trainers on or new shoes, sneakers or whatever. You just, you know, you're testing them out, aren't you? I love the way when I go into, well, if I go and buy underpants, well, I do sometimes go and buy underpants and they say, you know, you can't, you're not allowed to return these. There will be no refunds and you can't return them.

Okay. What about this toilet paper? What about these tampons? What do you mean? Condom? Condoms? What can I return? So I got these underpants, but they were snuggly ones. Are they pouchy? Pouchy? Thong? Would it be a thong? Kind of thong, thong kind of stuff.

And it didn't really suit me. I haven't, yeah, I haven't really, yeah, I wasn't going to be impressing anybody. So I thought, no, I'm not, and I don't like to be squashed.

It felt a little bit too kind of, you know, a bit constrictive. And then I discovered boxer shorts. And I actually thought initially that they were both shorts, you know, for, well, I actually thought they were for people that do boxing because I used to be quite literal.

And I thought, well, I can't wear them because they're shorts and I can't wear, I wear shorts underneath your trousers or jeans. I didn't used to wear trousers. And that's the thing, you leave school or when I left school, that was it.

Never going to wear trousers, never going to wear another tie, never going to wear another shirt, never going to wear shoes, not going to walk around barefoot, but I'm never going to wear that kind of stuff again. But, you know, life doesn't quite work out that way. And I wish I wear trousers all the time, really now.

And, but not all the time. So I got these boxer shorts, but they weren't like the boxer shorts are today. They used to be like a fabric.

They were almost more like shorts, like actual shorts, not soft in the way they are now. Although I went through a period because I used to work in a cold store, which was like freezing cold, one of my temporary jobs I had. And I had long johns I used to wear and they were, what do you call, heated, they're sort of supposed to sort of keep the heat in.

So I think I used to have them tucked into my socks, but they used to go all the way down to my ankles and then cover my, you know, to basically cover, and like, I suppose they're like tights really, but just with fabric, like thick fabric that would be keeping me nice and warm. And I'd also have like maybe a, yeah, thermal, yeah, thermal long johns and then thermal t-shirt. And I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but I got this girlfriend, not get, got her, but I visited a friend and we ended up being boyfriend and girlfriend.

And I was, what was I, 20, I was 23 and she was, I don't know, 70 or something. And we had, we'd known each other for a long time and we'd been, not together, but we'd kind of, you know, anyway, this was kind of a relationship. We were together properly and I was going to stay over with her and it was going to be the first night ever that I'd spent with her.

And I, I was, she's sort of like, she was in bed. I don't know, I'm not going to go graphic or anything. She was in bed picking her nose and she said, and I'm just standing there and she said, were you going to get undressed? And so I said, oh, okay.

Cause I still wasn't sure, you know, I still wasn't a hundred percent like, well, I'm not sure what's happening there. And why she got into bed or what does she want me to do? Didn't know. Reading signs hasn't always been my greatest strength.

I kind of need blatancy sometimes. It's like, here's what I want. This is what we're going to do.

This is what, you know, just, I never know someone likes me unless they actually say, I like you. I'm not good with vagueness. Although I'm verbally, I, you can use vagueness, but I'm not, not when it comes to communicating with someone else, just like one, you know, together in person.

I didn't know what it means. It's like, just tell me what, what are you saying? What are you saying? Anyway, I had, I was standing there and I go to take my trousers off and I remember that I got my long johns on. If they were long johns, they were blue, I think, or white.

Initially they were white, but I think they might have been blue ones as well. I think, how the hell am I going to get these off without her seeing? Because I was just embarrassed. I thought, oh man, because long johns is something that you, this is in 1993.

I was a young man, you know, I was 23 years old and long johns is something that I'd expect maybe my grandfather's kind of age group to maybe be wearing. Not someone in the prime of their, you know, someone sort of young and fresh. I don't think I've ever been fresh, but you know, someone, it wasn't, I don't think it was the fashionable look that I was aiming for.

So I'm standing there trying to figure out how am I going to get me long johns off at the same time as my jeans, but also leave me underpants on, because I was not prepared for them to come off, because I didn't want to spoil the disappointment, you know. I want, I wanted, you don't want to do everything all at one go, do you? I wanted to disappoint her later. So I started trying to take my jeans off and pull down the long johns at the same time in a way that she wouldn't know.

And she was looking at me very strangely, like what are you doing? Why don't you just get your jeans off? Look at me, I'm in bed, you know, never known a man to take so long to get undressed. And I said, I'm not your average man. And she looked at me, she said, I hope you are.

I said, I'm not, I'm way below par. She said, oh, that's a bit of a shame. She said, I felt so disappointed.

I said, you wait until I get my underpants off. Don't speak too soon. And she said, we can hurry up.

And I said, okay. So I'm trying to get my long johns down at the same time as my jeans so that she can't see that I've got long johns on. And then I get caught, it gets caught up in my ankles and I fall over.

And I fall over and but I've managed to fall over in a way that my feet are on the bed right next to her. And at my feet are the jeans and the long johns. Basically, the long johns are basically saying, hi, waving to her.

Look at me, look at me, I'm long johns. I'm Jason's friend. Keep his willy warm.

And my bum and my legs. You know, it's a cold job I had. You could say, yeah, but it was Christmas, by the way.

So I'd had a week off work, but it was winter. So, you know, I kind of got in the habit of wearing them. And I didn't know I was, you know, I didn't know that I was going to be fortunate.

The right word is, I didn't know that my luck was going to change. Didn't expect it. So I was not prepared.

So suddenly, she's got this, she's got the these two feet sticking up onto the bed. I'm basically balanced on my head, unable to move because I'm stuck between the bed and the side cabinet. And she's just got a view of my jeans and the, you know, the long johns.

So she's laughing. And I said, don't laugh, help me out. She said, I'm not laughing at you, laughing at your long johns.

Oh, lovely, thanks. So she helps me up eventually. And for 20 years, she mentioned it.

Honestly, remember the long johns you used to wear? Yeah. Like, I think it's rude. I don't know why people got this so rude.

But I do actually have a story but I can't tell you it. It's a very, it's an adult story. It's an adult story.

But I can't tell you it. No, I can't. I think I might have mentioned it before.

But it was, it involves a yoghurt, a lack of a spoon. And then me mistaken the yoghurt for something other than being a snack for the other person. Which means me dipping something other than a spoon into the yoghurt.

While that person was out of the room, thinking that they were just popping to the toilet or something. And as they come back, me hiding the thing that was dipped into the yoghurt, prepared, you know, hiding it and thinking, this is going to be exciting. Can't wait.

And then her coming in, a big smile on her face and me thinking, wow, this is, she's forgotten about the long johns. She's forgiven me. And I'm thinking this is going to be so good.

And then seeing her holding a spoon in her hand and realizing that we both had a very different ideas about what the yoghurt was going to be used for. And me just laying there while she ate the yoghurt. So yeah.

I think it was a strawberry yoghurt. It might have been banana, I'm not sure. But yeah, that was another embarrassing.

I've had a few embarrassing moments over the years. There's, let me think of some embarrassing ones. I think quite an embarrassing one was someone that I was with a few months back.

And I kind of was sort of dating for a short time. And she called me Andre while we were in bed. She called me Andre.

Yep. And what other embarrassing things? Oh yeah, there was a time that I was on a date with someone. And I mentioned this before, we went into a shop.

And I just, she went to one part of the shop, I went to another. And I couldn't find what I wanted. And I just walked out of the shop and started to go home.

I forgot she was there. So that was, that was, that's probably a little bit embarrassing. One of the things, let's try to think back.

Oh, there was the date that I'd kind of been begging for from this girl when I was 16. And I really liked her and I was begging her for ages to come out on a date with me. And eventually she said yes, I wore her down.

It was just to the cinema. And then I saw her come in to the, you know, towards the cinema queue. And I hid.

I thought it'd be funny. I got to jump out on her. And I hid for like, only for a couple of minutes.

And then I came, and then she was gone. She was, she just completely disappeared. And that was that one and only possible date.

Because basically I stood her up, according to her. Because she came along, couldn't see me, and she went home. I kind of messed up that one.

What other ones I've messed up? You know, on one of my dates, this is my first proper girlfriend. She stood me up on our first date. And she was a temp.

I was working in a kitchen, in a bakery. And she was a temp, agency worker. And, you know, I thought we clicked.

I thought we'd gotten really well. She was from Trinidad, and she was really cool and really calm. And I was, I wasn't so calm in those days.

So I felt, I felt, I found her relaxing. And I asked her out. And she said, okay, why don't I just work? Okay, so we can go out.

Something like that. She's very, that's the way she talked. And Liverpool Street Station, I was waiting for her, and she didn't turn up.

The next week at work, she turned up as a temp again, as an agency worker. And she was so embarrassed, because she probably thought she'd never seen me again. So you know, it was okay.

But she didn't realize she'd be sent back to the same place. The first thing she said to me is, I'm sorry, Jason. She didn't really talk like that.

I'm trying. But she was a very slow talker. Jason, why you be like that, Jason? And, and she, she said, sorry about that.

We can go out this weekend if you want. I said, yeah, this time she turned up. Because I think she was worried that she might end up coming back again.

And so, and then we ended up dating. I've fallen in love and, you know, proper, proper relationship for a while. See? Yeah.

What other ones? Oh, there was this waitress at the comedy club. She was German. And that's really relevant to anything.

But I asked around, she said no. And this was after the relationship with my Trinidadian girlfriend ended. So it was about September 91.

And I said, she was a waitress at the comedy club that I used to go to regularly. And I said to her, will you come out with me? She said, no, I would not come out with you, ever. And I thought, I mean, she likes me.

I had no idea. I couldn't, I can't, still can't read what other people are thinking. I just, she said, I hate you.

I hate you. I said, so, is it possible? Are you thinking about it? I would never go out with you. Anyway, I kept going back to the club anyway.

So she was there and she started to dislike me less as a person, I think. And I must have caught her on a good night because she was being friendly to me. So, okay.

And I said to her, look, if I go up, because they had karaoke after the comedy night on a Wednesday night. So I'd go on stage, do some comedy on the new act night. And then they say they'd have a karaoke.

So I'd do terrible on stage comedy, but I'd do okay with the karaoke because I was an okay singer. So I said to her, look, you choose a song. If I sing the song for you, and if you like it, if you like this song, the way I sing it, then you come out on a date with me Saturday night.

And she said, okay, I will do this. I don't know if that's how she spoke. Jason, she might have said it like that.

And so I did. So I sung Teddy Bear. You know, Elvis Presley's Teddy Bear to her.

But I said, this is for German Bird. I didn't say that. This is for, I think her name is Andrea.

Yeah, I think so. It's a long, long time ago. I can still remember when the music used to make me smile.

So yeah, I used to, so I sung this song to her or at her. And she was laughing. And she liked it.

She liked the way I was doing it. I was being silly. And I thought, whoa.

And I went out with her and she said, yeah, okay. One date. Saturday.

And I said, okay. And this is what I did. It was okay.

I'm saying it like I did something bad. I didn't do anything bad. But I took her to a comedy club near where she lived.

And it was in, where was it? Streatham, I think. In Streatham, which wasn't the best place to go to at that time. A little bit just, it wasn't a great place really.

Nothing wrong with it. It was just, it was hard to get home from and it was just a bit rough. But I went anyway and she didn't live that far away from there.

So I took her to this place called the Comedy Pit. And it was, you know, there's about four people in the audience. And it was probably the last thing she wanted to do is go to a comedy club because she worked in one as a waitress.

But I didn't care. I just thought, yeah, let's go to a comedy club. And yeah, I had a bar and, you know, pub and everything.

It was in a pub. And I said, let's have some drinks. You know, it was a nice night.

And she said to me, I think we had a couple of drinks. And she said, we are not doing anything tonight. You know, you're, I'm not sleeping with you.

And I said, I don't care. I don't want to sleep with you either. And I just ordered some more drinks.

You know, I had a drink, she had a drink and it's weird. But for some reason, after I said that, I don't care. She says, I want to sleep with you.

I'm not bothered. Her attitude seemed to change towards me. It was very strange.

And I didn't expect anything to happen at all. Not before, not even during. Even afterwards, I didn't really, wasn't sure if it really had to happen.

You know, but it did. And I really liked her. Clearly is why I'd asked her out.

And we did spend the evening and the night time together. And then I came home. This is the point where I embarrassed myself.

None of that was, that was just me. I bought her flowers. I sent flowers to her.

And she went around her house and took flowers around her house the following weekend. And she said, what she told me very, she was very straight to the point. Never knock on my door again.

Keep those flowers. And so I did. I thought, fair enough.

You don't want the flowers. I'll go and put them back on the grave. So I did.

And I came home. And she, it was a little bit embarrassing because she was still working at the club. And I was going in there.

And I just, but apparently her friend, who is also German, who ended up being a good friend of mine, still is a friend. I've known her for a long time. She's an amazing, amazing person.

And she, she told me at the time, this back in 91, she said, because I thought I was going to get some, I didn't expect feedback, to be fair. I didn't really expect that from another person to tell me, oh, by the way, Andrea says this. But what my friend said to me is, oh, Andrea says that you're very talented.

That was nice, wasn't it? I just think it's really nice. It's, you know, it wasn't great that she kind of dumped me or, you know, sort of didn't want to go out with me anymore. But I thought it was nice that she lied about me, telling others that I was talented.

So that was nice. I just imagine that conversation. How was your date with Jason? He was talented.

That's not how she spoke at all. But she, yeah, she didn't want to be with me. And so I got her flowers and everything.

And I think I got a birthday card. That's all they had in the garage. So I just, you know, crossed out the word birthday, happy birthday, and just wrote in, can we do it again, please? Just, you know, just, but yeah, didn't, didn't, didn't.

What other embarrassing moments have I had with ladies? Lady, ladies, lady. Oh, one of my girlfriends, this is back in 1996, was staying in a caravan where my dad lived. Not staying, just like visiting, basically, from London.

So I visited only for about three days, I think. And my girlfriend was a bit younger than me. So she was, I think at that time she would have been 18, and I was 26.

And it's not a huge difference, is it? Eight years? Is it eight? No. 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26. Yeah, eight years.

I started dating her when she was 17. But she was just before her 18th birthday. And by the way, that is 16 is the legal age in England.

Just in case you're thinking, oh, under 18. No, it's fine here. And plus, she was way more mature than I was.

Anyway, what she did is she used to like to play around, do stuff. Kind of, not like pranks, but anyway, one day she, she painted my toenails. Don't know why.

I don't care why. I just let her do it, because she wanted to do it. And it made her happy.

So my toenails were painted all different colors, and it made her laugh. It made me laugh as well, actually, to be fair. But I didn't realize there was a longer, there was more to it than just painting my toenails.

Because you can't get toenails, you can't get it off, can you? It's like, okay, just leave it on there. It'll wear off eventually. Put these socks on, trainers on.

It's in the summer, and we're just going down for a walk, and we go down the beach. And she says, let's go for a swim. I said, no.

She said, well, let's have a paddle then. At least have a paddle. It's hot.

We just have a paddle, you know. Pull your trousers up to your knees. See, I know what paddling is, you know.

So I pulled my trousers up to my knees, and my long johns, of course. I got good at knowing how to do that. Very hot in the summer.

And she took her, she might have had a skirt on, or I don't know. But she took her socks off, if she had socks. I can't remember.

Took her shoes off, and we basically probably held our shoes and walked along the beach towards the sea. And she was laughing. And there was other people on the beach, because it was summer.

People were sunbathing, some people were swimming. And she was laughing. I thought, oh, she's having a lot of fun.

And we go into the water, just dip around for a little bit, up to my ankles really, and then we get out. And she says, well, just walk across, walk through the sand. It's lovely, isn't it? You're feeling the sand underneath your feet.

And I said, yeah, fair enough. We're walking. The whole time I've got these multicolored fingernails or toenails that she'd colored earlier on in the day.

I completely forgot about it, because that's not something that I normally do. Never done since. I may never do again.

So I'm walking along the beach, where there are, I don't know, thousands, hundreds of people could see me walking along with these multicolored toenails, shining brightly. And she's having the time of her life, laughing. I mean, I didn't even know why.

It's almost like she planned it. You know, she planned it ahead of time, and didn't even need me to know. It was just enough for me to humiliate myself in public without me even knowing about it.

And then I looked down, and I didn't like what I saw. And I put my socks on very quickly, and my shoes on. Oh, I was ever so angry.

Oops. I'm just checking the time. I've gone over.

So what other things have I done that are embarrassing? I probably have. I can't think of anything. The same girlfriend, the one with the toenail, got her toenails, got my toenails.

Another thing she did on a train, a busy train, but there was no one sitting opposite where we were. So it was kind of private, I thought. And it was one of the old-fashioned trains where the seats were quite high, and you couldn't see either side of the seat as long as you stayed on your seat.

So she went forward, and she undid my trousers, and she said, stand up. Okay, so she's sitting there. She says, stand up.

So I stand up. She pulls my trousers down and my underpants down, and then she pushes me into the alleyway bit, you know, where people walk through the train. She pushes me so that I land down on the floor for everyone to see.

Can't stop. She's laughing. All I can hear is her laughing.

Now I think about it, I wonder if she ever actually really liked me at all. So other things, what other weird things have I done? I got, anything what happened with her? Nothing happened with her? No, that one, no. I can't think of any others.

It doesn't mean I haven't embarrassed myself, because I'm sure I have many times. Just can't think of anything. Hmm, let's have a think.

There was one time when I got in, well, I don't know if it's really the same thing, but I got pocket dialed by my then girlfriend. This is about 19, no, 2001. 2001.

And she she basically pocket dialed me and continued to talk about me to the person she was with. And she wasn't saying nice things at all. That's when I knew the relationship was kind of not going to go anywhere.

So that was, that was a fairly embarrassing. There was another embarrassing thing that happened and it was with a friend. I was staying over, this is when I was at school, staying over like a sleepover at a friend's house in his bedroom.

I was in a sleeping bag and he was in his bed. And I wake up. I think he wakes me up.

He's saying, oi, oi. I said, yeah. And I'm waking up.

I'm kind of, yeah. And he said to me, how about we have a competition? And it was a certain thing we, the competition to see who, who could be the quickest at this particular thing. I'm not going to go into details.

You've got imagination going, but, you know, so he was in his bed. I was in a sleeping bag. And for some reason, I wouldn't normally go along with this kind of stuff.

I never have since. I never did before. Apart from with teachers.

No, no, I didn't. And I said, okay. And I won the competition.

And then he started laughing and he pulled the bedclothes, you know, his bedding over and he was fully dressed. He was pretending to partake in this competition. So he'd clearly woken up, got dressed, had a shower, whatever, and then got back into bed and woke me up.

So he was in his bed, fully clothed, woke me up to trick me into competing in this. It's not an Olympic sport, but, you know, anyway, I definitely would have got, I probably would have got silver. You know, I'm not sure if I got gold, but, and I said, I was joking as well, as I tried to sort of readjust myself.

And, you know, I went down, had my breakfast and everything like that. Go to school the next day, because this is on a, I think it's a Saturday night. Go home Sunday, go to school on Monday.

And then he comes up to me and says, my dad wants, about his dad, he says, my dad wants to have a word with you. I said, oh, about what? He said about the insides of that sleeping bag. Oh, again, another embarrassing moment.

So it's, oh, that same person, this was an embarrassing moment. They got me drunk. Him and another friend got me so drunk when I was about 14 or 15.

And they wrapped me up in his mum and dad's bed, on the bed, wrapped me up in the bedding. And I projectiled, limited, I was, yeah, unwell, all over his mum and dad's bedroom, and in the hallway, and in the kitchen, and on stairs. And yeah, it was, it wasn't great.

But they kind of, they, it's not that they forced me, they didn't force me to drink it, but they, they wrapped me up in, they pushed me into that bedroom. And I, all I wanted to do was go outside. And, or maybe in the toilet, yeah, toilet or whatever, but, I'm trying to think of another embarrassing moment.

No, there's probably other offers, but that's enough for now, I think. So I'm going to go, thank you for listening. And remember to be kind to yourself.

Because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love. Bye.