#326 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (8th February 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. And please subscribe to this podcast.

Well, it's loud, isn't it? Please subscribe to this podcast so you can be alerted of new recordings, new episodes, new uploads, whatever you want to call it. If you like what I do, please leave a review on my website. Also, if you'd like to send me a gift, please go to paypal.me forward slash jason newland and the link is on my website.

If you like to, I don't know, just help towards the cost. I'm in a funny mood today. Sorry, I'm in a good mood.

I was giggling to myself. I don't know what's happened really. It's, uh, last night I was ill.

Well, not ill, ill, but I just was a bit unwell. And, um, normally and for months and months and months, probably a couple of years, I've been sleeping during the day or awake during the night, which suits me fine. I'm absolutely, I'm groovy with that.

But last night, I was all, I was asleep all day. But then, uh, yesterday, the day before, um, I can get muddled up because I'm actually recording this. This is, I'm going to be releasing it on Saturday morning, but I'm recording it now.

It's about just before 10 o'clock, Friday evening. But, you know, sometimes, usually I record early hours of the morning. This is, you can't argue that this is boring.

You cannot argue that. That's lovely. It's, God, it's so boring.

Sometimes I'm talking and I, in a normal conversation, I just have to stop talking. I just say like, that was boring. I do apologise.

Even for me. And I have quite a high boredom threshold. I mean, you know, I was a counsellor for a few years.

You know, that sounds terrible, doesn't it? I don't, I don't mean that I was bored. I'm just, I was going to just backtrack there. What I mean is I can sit and listen to someone rabbiting on for, not rabbiting on, forget the counselling bit, but just in life, I've listened to a lot of people talking at me.

It's just, I don't know why, but for some reason, you know, through my life, throughout my life, people have wanted to tell me their problems and stuff. And I don't think I ever, ever gave anyone the slight inclination or sort of, that I was the right person, correct person for them to do that to. But they seemed to do it.

I don't know if it was just that I listened. I think maybe that's what it was. It's just because I listened.

And a lot of people that did it were older than me. So when I was like, I don't know, a teenager, I seemed to attract older men. Not, I don't mean that as well, but just generally, it was just, it might be me looking for a father figure.

Or, you know, I've got a father, but it might be me looking for an older man that I actually got on with, or I don't know what it was, someone I could learn from. It never quite happened, quite worked out. And I've had a few men that seemed to like me in a more of a romantic way.

And that was never going to work out because it wasn't really my thing. But it's really weird. You know, some people like take that as like, oh, get really upset.

Oh, how dare you want to fancy me? I'm not that way. I'm a heterosexual. I actually took it as a bit of a compliment.

It's kind of, oh, it's just nice to be what hasn't happened for years. I can't remember the last time anyone liked me, but it was nice. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it.

You know, it's kind of okay. I mean, there was a time I wish I was gay. I genuinely wished, I thought, I wish I could be attracted to men because I could just have so much fun, really.

Because, you know, I was in London. I could have had the time of my life, but I wasn't. You know, you can't affect your sexuality, unfortunately, because I would have loved to have been gay, but I'm not.

And I used to go to gay clubs. It's not weird saying that, I would have loved to have, but I'm not gay, but I used to go to gay clubs, but I did. And the reason I went to gay clubs is because it's got nothing to do with being in a closet.

It was just, I, the atmosphere was a million times better than in the normal nightclub, for me, that I found. There was no aggression, no, you know, fighting, no, none of that stuff. I mean, I'm not saying it never happened in any gay club ever, because I'm sure it did, but none of the I went to quite a few.

My favourite night out would be in a gay club. The only problem is I'd be going home with my friend or going home on my own, because I wouldn't go in a gay club on my own, but I'd go with a friend or after work, there was a gay club around the corner from the nightclub that I used to work in. And sometimes the customers would say, oh, I'd meet a couple of people, and they'd say, oh, let's go for this, do you want to go for a drink after work when you finish? And I'd say, yeah, there's a place around the corner.

I think it was a spiral staircase, it was called, I think. Brilliant place, loved it. And there was another one just a bit further up around the corner, the other direction, and that was really groovy as well.

And there was one in Stratford that I used to go with Andre, used to go to a gay club with him. And it was just opposite, whether it's there or not, we're talking a long time ago. When I say Andre, not my ferret, my son, he's not old enough to be going into nightclubs.

And I probably wouldn't be allowed to let him in. And also, you don't know, there might be some kinky people I see a ferret for. So yeah, I want to keep him away from any kind of nightclub environment, because first of all, there's a mixture of people that really don't like him, like he's, you know, and then people that really love him.

So I think he'd probably get taken away. So I'd like hide him in their bra and run off and kidnap him. So, which he'd love.

He'd love pretty much every part of that story, to be fair. Because he loves, again, this is true. It's not me being weird.

He actually, I've had a couple of, had a few females, like friends and other stuff, like that he's met. And the two things he goes for, always, are breasts. He loves breasts.

But he always goes for everyone's feet, doesn't matter, children, men, boys, dogs, goes for the feet for everyone. He loves feet. I don't know why it is that he can't stop himself.

But with females, he's got a thing about the chest area. He tries to get inside the bra. It's a weird, you know, a couple of women have said it takes just after his daddy's like, yeah, thanks.

And he actually, I had a friend and he actually stole her bra. He hid it. He took it out of a bag, stole it and hid it.

And she left. And I found it a few days later. And he's still got it.

And he still occasionally plays with it. So yeah, it's a little perv. He is a little pervy, little pervy ferret.

But it's feet that the thing is for him though. Absolutely loves feet. And even today, I was getting ready.

I had a bath. You know, it's my, I usually have a bath in February. And I was getting dressed.

So what I do is I sit on the side of my bed. Here's my routine for baths. So I run the bath.

But why do we call it running the bath? By the way, I'm not on drugs or anything if you think I'm babbling. This is just me, but I'm just in a weird mood. Well, I'm on Prozac.

I'm on medication, but not being a lot like druggy, drug, drug. I got this little routine I have. I imagine everybody has a routine when it comes to bath time, to wash in your bits.

And what I do is I run the bath. So I put, I put the hot water on first until it gets about half full. And I have to have the bath pretty full because I'm so, I don't know what the right word is.

Fat. That's the word. So I haven't got fat legs.

I've got quite slim legs. It's just a belly really. It's, as I thought, I've got no idea about me bum.

I've got no idea. It's sometimes I do turn around and people have been knocked over onto the floor, but I don't know if it's my bum or if I've like done a fart and didn't realise it, or I don't know. So I might have a massive, massive bum that sticks out really a long way.

Because I noticed, what I noticed is I was sitting on a bus. And I wasn't a bus. I was sitting in a chair in this room.

I think it was in the library a few little while ago. And my head felt like it was really close to the ceiling. It was like I was getting static from my hair.

It was brushing against the ceiling. But why has it got such a small ceiling? Why is it so low? And then when I stood up to get ready to go, I was about six foot away from the ceiling. And I realised maybe it's my bum.

It's so massive that it makes me really high up when I'm on a chair. And none of that's true. As I walk along, I can actually just rest and still sit down and stand up at the same time.

It's great. Honestly, it's not as easy to remove as what it was. Not my bum.

I might, I don't know what my bum, I can't see it, so I don't care. It's like I've got a bald patch on the back of my head. It's not an obvious bald patch.

It's not like a real, it's not completely empty. It's not like a doughnut. It's not a hole, you know.

But it is, it's kind of the, is it the crown, you know, the bit where your hair kind of knits together? Knits? Meats? And there's a kind of like a crop circle kind of thing. I think it's the joint of the skull. I don't know.

But it's a little bit there. I didn't realise I had it until I was filming myself in the bath. No, I was filming myself doing a, I don't know, a recording or a live broadcast or something.

And I bent over to pick Andre up. And all I wanted to do is, I did the video and I wanted to go back and just have a look at Andre on the video because I like watching him. And I noticed as I was bending over, like the top of my head, there was this big shiny bit.

I was like, oh my goodness. So yeah, I don't, I don't really care to be honest, but it's just, it's a bit weird. I must care a little bit otherwise I wouldn't mention it.

Maybe a, well, to be fair, if I cared about everything I mentioned, then I'd be proper worry pot, wouldn't I? Yeah, I'm not that bothered. I'm going to shave my head probably three or four times a year to the bone, shave it completely off. So if I was worried about being bald, I wouldn't shave myself bald, would I? So what I would say to anybody, man, woman, child, whoever, if you're worried, if you've really got a fear about going bald, shave your head.

Take control of that fear, shave your head. If you want to, of course, you don't have to do nothing. You don't, you know, but shave your head.

And a lot of people are really good with bald heads actually. I don't, I'll admit it. I don't, it doesn't suit me, but I'm definitely not scared of going bald.

That's why I got myself, and I was always scared about getting fat. That's why I got myself fat. I thought, I know what I'll do.

I'll eat lots of chocolate, drink lots of beer, lots of sugar, and I'll get myself fat so that I can just break that fear. Unfortunately, I couldn't lose it again. So, and that was a lie as well.

That didn't happen. I did lose actually, lose not my mind, my weight. The last time I slimmed down was actually last year, like two years ago, I slimmed a little bit, but minimally, we're talking a kilo or maybe something like that.

And then I think it was 2010 or, no, actually I was doing Taekwondo back in 2012, 11 and 12. So I lost weight then because whenever I do a lot of physical exercise, it's really of a kind. The last time when I do, I sweat.

I mean, it actually, I have to tell people in the gym that I haven't wet myself. You know what I'm saying? It is sweat. Don't worry.

Because I do, it's almost like I start melting. And it's always been like that. I don't know if it's always been like that, but I think it has.

Even when I was a kid, I used to sweat, like when I did exercise and stuff. And I'm not a sweater, like all the time. I'm not always like sweating all the time.

But when I do a lot of like proper full-on exercise, I do, although I had this ex-girlfriend, she she was trying to put me down because I met up with, well, I saw her just by chance and she was jogging. And she said, and it was a hot summer's day. So I was actually sweating a bit just, you know, for being hot, just basically on my forehead and ball bag.

And she said, what? She said, oh, I said, so how come you're not sweating? You're running. She said, no, only unhealthy people sweat. And she's a nurse.

Yeah. And I thought, someone that's medically trained should know a bit better than that. So only, only healthy people don't sweat when they exercise.

Okay. Right. You go into any gym, any professional gym, they're all sweating, you know, it's like trying, okay, it's ridiculous.

You see any professional athlete training, they're sweating, they're all dry. And I said, I saw like, what were you on about? It was almost like trying to put me down because I was sweating and I wasn't doing any exercise, but it was a really hot day. And I was a lot lighter than I am now because back in those days, was it 2005? Yeah.

I don't think I ever went over 13 stone and now I'm probably about a 15 and a half stone, something like that. So I'm a bit heavier, a little bit heavier than I was back then. And, but that strength comes with age, doesn't it? It's just I put on more muscle and unfortunately it's all hidden under my stomach fat, but it's a lot of muscle there.

The thing is that might sound like, oh yeah, yeah, just joking around. Yeah, yeah. You got muscle under your stomach fat, which I kind of am messing around.

But the thing, the fact is your muscle, your stomach is one of the strongest muscles in your body, regardless of whether you think, oh, I'm fat. And don't put you down like that. I talk about it cause I like to mess around, but I only call myself that.

And I only do it in a sort of jokey way. Please don't ever put yourself down over that stuff because you're beautiful as you are. And if you want to change and get yourself slimmer, or if you want to put on weight, do what you want to do.

It's up to you, it's your life. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. That's my advice.

Oh yes. And if you want more of my wisdom, no, I don't have any wisdom. So I lost some weight in 2000 when I was doing Taekwondo.

So generally I slimmed down. So if I start doing physical exercise regularly, and I was going to do Taekwondo twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday, I think. And I was also like practicing at home.

And I had a punch bag and stuff. So, you know, that kind of helped me to sort of keep it, to sort of tone down a bit. But what I noticed, it really is just my stomach, my stomach reduces.

And it's other people notice it. I don't notice it really, but other people do. And the time before that was when I was doing boxing.

And I was doing boxing training in 2009, 2010. And again, I had a punch bag outside in the garden. So I was training twice a week, I think it was Monday and Wednesday evenings at the local ABA boxing club place.

And I wasn't allowed to spar. I wasn't allowed to compete because I was too old. Because I was 39 or something like that.

So I wasn't allowed to compete or anything. I was allowed to train and that was it. And we still kind of, kind of spar, but not properly sparring, you know what I mean? But they weren't interested in me.

Basically, the trainers of that club only were interested in the kids, because they wanted the kids to fight for the club and, you know, win medals and stuff like that. They had no interest in me. I was just, I suppose I was just a little cash cow for them.

You know, they could get a lot more money out of me than they did from the kids. So I was paying 50 quid a month or something to go there. And they gave me very little attention, which is a shame because I kind of wanted to, you know, I wanted to be included.

Even though I didn't, I knew I couldn't compete, but I still wanted to be treated the same as everyone else, you know? But yeah, so I did that for a while. I wasn't the only adult. There were other adults there, but not many.

And mainly young. And there was also, there were some adults, but there was, I'd say it's probably 80-20 as far as percentage wise. And there was loads of parents watching, laughing at me, I think.

And it did, I did feel, whether they were or not, I don't know, but I did feel they were. Because there was me and I had a t-shirt on and I actually bought the proper boxing gear as well. And I had boxing shorts.

I bought the boxing shoes, like proper boxing shoes. Got some gloves, the tapes, you know, the tape you put on your hands before you put the gloves on for not, not the what you put on when you actually have a boxing match, you know, the big plaster stuff, but just the normal wraps, they call them. But after about five minutes of training, my whole t-shirt would be wet, I mean wet, like literally soaking through.

At the end of the training, I could wring it out. It was that much sweat, which meant my t-shirt, it was, it was moulded to my body. It took four people to peel it off, so I didn't.

And I was, so I'm running around with my belly wobbling around and my boobies rubbing, you know, I didn't have, I should have put, worn a sports bra or something. I mean, so my nipples were getting proper burnt from all the rubbing. And in the end, I had to tell a trainer, leave my nipples alone.

And so I was a bit self-conscious, if I'm honest, not from the kids or from the people who were training, so they were doing their own thing, they weren't interested. A couple of the kids used to laugh at me, but you know, fatty belly and smelly belly and, you know, just those kind of things. And I know that was, that was the trainers.

But those trainers, I don't know, they went, yeah, a bit out of order. But I felt that the parents, I mean, every kid there pretty much had their parents watching while they were training, because the training lasted about an hour and a half. I felt like they were laughing at me.

So what I used to do is we used to have this thing where we'd run around in circles, like around the outline of the area that we were training in. So as I got nearer them, I'd let off a fart. I'd time it, so the fart, because their head level was my ass level.

And I used to kind of really let it rip. And I mean, I didn't actually like jump up in the air and hold my bum open, but, you know, I kind of did as much as I could to get them back for laughing at me. So yeah, that was a bit weird.

But the trainer said to me, yeah, you're losing weight. And so I did, I slimmed, like my belly slimmed down. I was training at home every day.

I had this routine where I would, because I had weights in my bedroom, so I just bought dumbbells. So I'd be doing dumbbells for about half an hour. And then I'd be on the punch bag for half an hour.

Then I'd go back on dumbbells for half an hour, punch bag, and I'd just do that. And I might have exaggerated how long I did it for. I might have been for 15 minutes, then go on a punch bag for 15 minutes.

But I'd alternate. I really toned up. I felt quite strong, actually.

It was good. I love boxing. I just wish I'd done it.

I did do it when I was younger, but just briefly when I was at school. I did kickboxing a bit as well, but that was, oh man, that was hard work. All that stretching.

And then I chose karate. I did that for a few years because that was, I don't know, I was with my friends and stuff. I liked that.

So, but yeah, the boxing, so I lost weight there. The time before that when I lost weight was when I did Wing Chun Kung Fu. Okay, 2004.

I stopped drinking altogether in 2004. Had no alcohol. Before that, I was drinking every single night, pretty much from 2000 onwards to 2000 and the end of 2003.

Nearly every night. And it was weird because I stopped smoking in 1999, December, and I put too stone on. So I put on quite a bit of weight very quickly, which I was surprised about because my metabolism was always really quick, really fast.

I was always very slim. And I started off drinking four cans of very weak lager in the evening. And I loved it.

Because up to that point, apart from the summer in 2004, when I was living with Andre. Andre is the original Andre. And that summer in 2004, I was a bit of a bit of a drunk that summer.

I just spent the whole summer being drunk, which is the only time really I've ever done that. Because we lived around the corner from a local pub. It was 30 seconds walk.

So it's just, and they had cheap beer in there. They lock up, we could just lock in or whatever they call it. So we could just sort of stay there all night and go to work the next day.

And I could do it. I had the stamina to do that stuff. Because I was really young, I suppose, at the time.

Not that I would recommend it. But then that only lasted for like two or three months. But outside of that, I never used to drink alcohol.

All through my teens. Well, I did drink alcohol, but I didn't, I rarely, you know, it wasn't sort of a regular thing. And in my 20s, when I used to go out, I never had any money.

So I'd go to, for a lot of my 20s, I'd go to a comedy club to either perform or to just go watch the show. That was my social life. Comedy clubs was my social life because I knew most of the comedians.

So I'd just go and just hang out, you know. I knew the club owners and it was, so I'd travel all around London to go to places. And most of my money would be spent on travel to get to where I was going.

You know, train tickets and stuff. And I'd just order a Coke. I'd have a glass of Coke and I could make it last nearly all night, all evening.

Just one glass of Coke, which used to annoy some of the bar staff. Because I'd be standing at the bar drinking a glass of Coke. I don't know why they'd be bothered.

But yeah, because I was earning about, when I was 20, 21, 22, those kind of years, I was earning about £100 a week, which is, even then, was ridiculously low. I mean, proper low. Really, really low.

It was, my rent was £40 a week. So I'd managed to get some low rent. And yeah, it just wasn't enough to sort of do anything with, to go anywhere.

It was enough to buy food, to pay for travelling to get to where I needed to go, and to pay for some of the things I needed to pay for. But not enough to save or to, you know, I couldn't ever have a car. That would have been impossible.

Yeah. So I used to make a Coke last all night. So I kind of got in a habit of not drinking, just didn't.

Apart from, as I said, 2004 and actually, I'm just going to start saying that I've always been drinking, because I've contradicted myself. 2004 and then nothing. And then in 2005, yeah, I think I only used to drink when I went out.

So I didn't, never used to drink indoors. And even in 2004, never used to drink indoors. It was always at the pub or out.

So I was never like a home drinker. And then in 2005, I was drinking late in the year. I was getting drunk a bit when I was going out.

And then in 2005, at the end of the year, I went, right at the end, I went to Butlins. And I spent probably about six weeks drunk, every night drinking, because that was part of the job. I worked behind the bar.

And it was just, it was a social activity. It's like work hard, play hard kind of situation. And it was a holiday camp.

So it's supposed to be fun for everyone, really. So I drunk lots then. But then, after that, I didn't hardly drink anything in 2006, 2007, 2008.

I'm talking about 2005, 1995, not 2005. 1995 is when I went to Butlins. I skipped a whole decade.

And so, 96, 97, 98, 99, I didn't drink. Hardly had a drink at all, the whole, those years. And then 2000, bang, I was drinking.

But just, at weekends, I was drinking a fair bit sometimes. I went through periods where I'd drink, you know, after party, parties and stuff. But in 2000, I was drinking every night, four cans of lager, light, really soft lager.

And it just gave me a buzz. And I just, oh, it's nice. It's almost like I rediscovered alcohol.

But it was not secret drinking, because I was an adult. So nothing secret is if you're an adult. You know, who am I hiding it from other than myself? You know, there's no one else to hide stuff from.

So I just was just drinking. And then I kept doing it, and it kind of became a bit of a habit. And then in 2001, and one, the end of 2001, I moved, and then it became almost necessary.

It felt like it was a necessity. So between 2001, and the end of 2003, I was drinking strong lager, not the strongest, not, you know, the one that's seven percent. I could never drink that stuff.

It's like tree cores. It's horrible. But I was drinking Stella.

And then I ended up, by 2003, I was drinking eight cans of Stella every night, and having about five hours sleep, going to work, and coming home and having another eight Stellas with a takeaway. And that was my life. So it's kind of not surprising I got ill.

But since then, I had a whole year off of alcohol. Didn't do nothing. Didn't even hardly eat any sweets.

And I was a vegetarian as well. So I lost, I got down to 11 and a half stone, the lightest I've been since, you know, in 20 years, or in the last 20 years, rather. And then I got a job sitting down in an office again.

And 2005, I started drinking again. I just went back to drinking every night. So I did that 2005, 2006.

So I go through pills. It wasn't all every night. It wasn't strong lager anymore.

So I didn't go back to the strong lager. It was just the weak, weak lager again. But what's weird is, when I moved in here, I was still kind of had the habit of drinking at night.

You know, and I always, I never had more than six cans. That was kind of my, yeah, six cans was my limit. I never allowed myself to drink more than six.

And it was weak lager. You know, wasn't strong. It's like Carlsberg or Foster's or something.

Wasn't strong. So I moved in here and I was still drinking, even when I got Andre. So I remember having a can of lager, watching telly.

Andre was a little baby and he didn't, he didn't want me to touch him or anything. I did anyway, because I knew I had to. Otherwise, I'd never be able to touch him.

I had to hold him. And he was all biting me and scratching me and stuff. And then one night, he climbed up my leg and he climbed, and I was wearing my dressing gown and he climbed up the left sleeve of my dressing gown and went to sleep.

And that was when we bonded. That was kind of almost the moment that we, he, I don't know, he came to me, you know, for the first time, instead of running away from me or biting me and running away or, you know, wanting to fight. That was the first time he actually showed that he, I guess, trusted me enough to just fall asleep inside my sleeve of my dressing gown.

And since then, we've been best mates. So I was still drinking then. So that would have been probably October, four years ago.

And something happened along the way and I stopped drinking. I didn't mean to. I just got bored of it.

I got bored of alcohol. It just didn't, it was almost like it didn't do anything for me anymore. It was, it's kind of like it was pointless.

But what is the point of this activity? I suppose, in a way, it's like being on a seesaw on your own. You know, you need someone else to be on a seesaw with you. I'm not saying you need to have someone drinking with you, but if you, it's, I probably enjoyed drinking more when I was in a pub with a friend or with, I mean, went to the pub with my brother.

And it was brilliant, you know, just the hours just sped by because we had so much to talk about and hadn't seen him for such a long time. And, you know, we grew up together, so we knew each other's lives for the first, at least the first 15 or 16 years anyway. And so we're catching up for the last 20.

And that was one of my favourite alcoholic, not alcoholic, but alcohol beverage encounters. Another one was with this bloke that I worked with. And it only just started there.

And he, he was practically blind. He was, he had glaucoma or something. And he was really, really like, his vision was terrible.

But he was so funny. He was literally probably, I would say the funniest person I've ever known. He, I don't know what it was, he just made me laugh so much.

And he didn't even have to do much to do it. And he was a lot older than me. He's probably about 20 odd years older than me.

Wasn't probably too far off retirement. Or, yeah, it's probably getting on to 50. If not older.

I know it's me early 20s. Hilarious. No aggression.

And he was, he looked like he, he was, he might have, I think he probably was a bit of a lad when he was younger. But I think not being able to see very well, we can't really get into scrapes as much, you know, if you, it's hard to defend yourself when you can't see the person in front of you. And it's so funny.

I can't really explain it, but he's, it was something about him. He had, he had that spark, that spark of humor that was just so natural and contagious. I sat in the pub.

I only went drinking with him once. I worked with him for a few weeks. And it was a pleasure.

It was a pleasure working with him. And he just had me laughing all day long. But we went to for a drink.

I think it was a Friday night, payday or whatever. And I could not stop laughing. And we were just sitting at the bar and it was just, he was telling me these stories.

And his, I think it was the delivery. I think what it was with him is his delivery. It was, it tickled, it just, it hit the right note for me, you know.

I suppose it's just, it was what it was. But it's, I don't know what happened to him. I don't know where he went.

Because he was, I was just a temp. He was a temp. So, you know, people come and go.

And I didn't, I saw him and then he was gone. And I was gone. So I kind of didn't really have, keep track with him.

It was so funny. One of the funniest people. Effortlessly funny.

But then not everyone's probably going to find him funny, but I did. I found him really, but he wasn't even rude either. He was, he could make fun of people without being, it didn't, it didn't sound rude, if that makes sense.

He could, he could make fun of me without me getting, feeling insulted. It's almost like, I'm going to make you laugh by making fun of you. It's like, and it's funny.

It's like, how can you not laugh? What was his name? Ray. His name was Ray. I remember what he looks like and everything.

He's, yeah, he was fully, I reckon at the time, probably maybe the same height as me, maybe a little bit taller, maybe a little bit shorter, twice as wide at that time. Probably not now, but at that time I was really skinny. So he was a big stocky bloke.

But he's just so funny. Anyway, hopefully, I don't know. I can't go on about it because it is boring, isn't it? Talking about that stuff.

And then, but for some reason, the last few years, no alcohol. And I've tried. I tell people, I do try and drink alcohol and they think I'm lying.

Like I'm just saying it to be funny or something, but I have literally tried to drink again. I did it again the other day. I bought, what did I buy? I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I think it was Christmas, I think. I thought, well, I'll have a Christmas. It wasn't a bottle, it was half a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Yes. So it was a small bottle, but still I thought, well, yeah, that's going to last me for weeks. Because even if I do drink, I only drink, I can't drink much.

And I bought four cans of lager. I ended up not touching the Jack Daniels. I had one can of lager.

I drunk half of it. I went to bed for a few hours. So I got up.

So it completely zonked me out. I poured that away because it was warm and stale or whatever. Got another can out of the fridge, opened that up.

And then I did drink the whole of that over about five hours. And then the next day I had one glass of Coke with some Jack Daniels in it. And I didn't even finish the glass.

And I went and just basically I gave it to my friend. I said, here you are, you can have this. I gave him the two cans of lager.

And the bottle of Jack Daniels had at least 90% still of the alcohol in it, you know, compared, because I'd only took a little bit out. Because I just didn't see the point. I was like, I just can't drink.

But I wanted to. I bought some wine. And this is, yeah, literally a wine about two weeks ago.

One bottle of wine. And the reason I bought it is because the farmer's garage didn't have any Cokes. Didn't have them, it was like dry of everything.

And I thought, I'll just have, I'll get a bottle of wine. I used to drink wine. So I thought, yeah, I'll have a bottle of red wine, just one cheap bottle of red wine.

It's like £4.99 or something. Treat myself, why not? I had one glass. And again, gave the rest to my friend downstairs.

I just, I just can't drink it. I want to say my friend downstairs, not the one that just died, but my other friend. And he's like, I just, it's, it's pointless.

I want to be able to drink some wine or just, you know, a little bit. I don't want to go back to how I used to be. But just have a little bit.

But it's just, yeah, it's almost like I'm allergic to it now. And I got four cans of lager today in my weekly shop. So I went to the, I went to, into town, took some pictures of the sky as I was waiting for the bus.

I posted it on Facebook because I forget to look up sometimes. I do. If I hadn't looked up, I wouldn't have noticed how blue the sky was.

I mean, I'm talking, I looked in every direction. I took a picture of three directions, you know, from the distance and blue sky as far as my eyes could see, not a cloud. And I was on the bus and the only, the only colorations of the sky throughout the whole journey was plane trails, you know, the smoke trail things from planes.

Blue sky everywhere. I don't remember the last time I saw that, not even in the summer, where it was that blue, that clear of any clouds. And rather, maybe the clouds were just really blue, maybe they were camouflaged, trying to trick me.

So I took a few pictures and I put them on Facebook. Just, it's quite a boring picture to post with, isn't it? Well, I suppose some people post pictures of their meals, don't they? So I think I can take a picture of the sky. That's okay.

Yeah. So yeah, I went to, I went to get my weekly shopping. And I thought, you know what? I'll get four cans of lager.

Foster's, I think it is. And I got the delivery at, I think it's about quarter to seven this evening. And I unpacked everything.

And I put one can of lager in the and the other three, I've left it on the counter. Because there's not enough room in the fridge to sort of have everything in there. So I don't put stuff that I don't need in there.

So I thought, put one in there, you know, to cool it down. And I can honestly say there's not even one part of me wants to open that can of lager. Does not appeal to me at all.

And this is the only time in my entire life that I felt that way. Not right this second, but like recently. Even when I didn't use to drink, you know, sort of early, early 20s and stuff.

I still have the occasional lager. Still, you know, occasional. I'd buy a full pack or something or some bottles every now and then every few months.

Have a, have a couple of lagers while I'm watching telly. But it's weird. I don't know what's, what's going on.

It's very strange. If only I could have that same allergic reaction to chocolate. I would lose so much weight.

Or if I had that reaction to sitting down. No, gotta keep walking, gotta keep moving around. I'd lose weight there as well, wouldn't I? Wow.

Never know, it might spread. Might spread so I can no longer drink Coca-Cola. I can no longer drink any fizzy drinks.

Although I've got a new thing now. I've got new milkshakes. These little cans of milkshakes.

They're monkey, monkey something. I think they're called monkey madness or monkey milk or something. They're tiny little cans, really small, with straws.

And I've got a pack of three. Well, it's two packs of three. One was banana and the other three were chocolate.

So I've got the chocolate ones delivered and they're in the fridge in, in the shop. So I got that one delivered but I took the banana one with me. And I started drinking one as soon as it got out of the shop.

Honestly, I think I'm pregnant. I don't think that the milkshake impregnated me. I mean, I think that the urge that I had to drink that milkshake was stronger than the urge I've had to do anything for quite a while.

I was compelled. The only thing I wanted to do was have that. I wanted that in my mouth.

I needed to be, I needed to suck on that straw. I just needed to. I needed that.

I needed the contents in my mouth. It's weird. Just looking forward to that banana taste of that milkshake.

So I've had them before but not for ages. It was almost like the most beautiful taste in the world. And I don't get it.

It's like just a milkshake. And then when I got home, I had another one. And now as I'm talking about it, I want another one.

I could probably drink all of them, you know, one after another, which wouldn't be a good idea. It'd be a little bit of a sugar rush, I think, on that one. So I won't be doing it.

But I love milkshakes. Really, really love those milkshakes particularly. Maybe, maybe it's because of my aversion to McDonald's milkshakes now.

And even thinking about McDonald's milkshakes makes my teeth itch. Because of the new straws that are made of cardboard. Makes my teeth itch just thinking about it.

Seriously, it makes me feel... I can't. Unless I manage to get myself a straw, maybe some kind of metal straw or something that I can buy and take with me. I can never order another milkshake from McDonald's.

And I can't be the only one that feels that way. Can't just be me that doesn't like wet cardboard in their mouth. And that's what happens to the straw after not too long either.

It doesn't last. The straws aren't very good. But they've had really rubbish straws in the past as well.

You know, I've been a McDonald's straw sucker for years, you know, 35 years or whatever. And sometimes they had a time when... because I'm sure they used to call them thick shakes, didn't they, McDonald's? Let me just check that. In my memory, milkshakes used to be called thick shakes, not milkshakes.

Now, some people might say, nope, you're wrong. And I would say, might be. But I think I'm right.

And the reason I think I'm right is because I don't like being wrong. Unlike everyone else who likes being wrong. I'm just going to put in the word thick shake.

I bet you thick shake. Thick shake. Thick shake.

Okay. Oh, maybe they didn't. Oh, yes, they did.

Yes. Yes. Yes, they did.

Ha ha ha. So I'm just having a look. McDonald's used to make thick shakes.

McDonald's shake, milkshake, chocolate. Best way to do that is if I put in menu and I put in images, and I wonder if a menu is going to come up with the word McDonald's. Thick shake.

McDonald's. McDonald's chocolate shamrock shake. I don't remember that.

McDonald's has four new chocolate shamrock snake flakes to the menu. McDonald's. McDonald's.

Golden French fries, triple fit. Oh, look. Look, this is an original McDonald's menu.

And it said, wow, pure beef hamburger, 15 cents. Tempting cheeseburger, 19 cents. Triple thick shakes, thick shakes, 20 cents.

Golden French fries, 10 cents. So, see, I was right. And here's another one.

McDonald's, yeah, triple thick shakes. So it is actually a nutritional chart as well. So, see, I remember they were called thick shakes.

Large, yeah, McDonald's large triple thick chocolate shake. I don't remember them being called triple. And the shamrock shake, I don't remember that.

This is, yeah, they were thick shakes. See, that's a bit of knowledge you might not have known. I just remember stuff like that.

I don't know why. I remember, the thing is, I remember the first time I ever had a thick shake. Or the first time I ever even entered McDonald's.

The first time I entered the shop, the fast food place. I was on a school visit to London. So I wasn't living in London at that time.

And we were going to London to visit religious establishments. So we went to, I think we went to a mosque, a synagogue, a Buddhist center, and a church, I think a Catholic church. I think those were the four places we went.

And it was a school trip day out, which was brilliant. It's just always good to get out, isn't it? And we went to McDonald's. But the whole of us, all of us went to McDonald's.

I didn't have any money to buy burgers. I think I had to actually borrow money off someone to buy a milkshake. And it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever had in my mouth.

It was absolutely delightful. It was heaven. It was either strawberry or banana.

I think it's probably banana. I've always liked banana. And it's always been my favorite fruit, really.

It was so nice. It was really, and in those days they had straws that were proper straws and thick straws. Not only were they thick straws, but the thick shake was so thick, you really had to suck hard to get anything out.

Those were the days, you know. And it was proper sturdy. It's almost like cement, I suppose, but not like cement.

I've never tried to suck cement through a straw. Maybe you have, but I haven't. And so I don't know if it's a good analogy, but it was so nice.

As far as flavoring goes, it's probably exactly the same flavor as what you get in any milkshake. But it was the texture, because it was thick, it was creamy, it was cold, ice cold. It was like, oh, and it was a hot summer's day as well.

And I'm making that bit up. I don't know what the weather was like, but it was lovely. It was, oh, really was nice.

And that was the first time, because I didn't have a McDonald's where I lived. Didn't have one anywhere near where I lived. Never ever been in one before.

And the next time I went in one was probably 1986. So that was probably about 1984. And then the next time, 1986.

And that's when I had my first actual meal in McDonald's. I use the word meal very loosely, but you know what I mean. Yeah, I don't know what it is about milkshakes.

I always liked milkshakes. The Wimpy always liked milkshakes. Yeah, I did have milkshakes at the Wimpy when I was a kid, but it wasn't the same.

You know, they were nice, but they were a lot thinner. They were more like traditional milkshakes, you know, milk flavored. And the thick shakes were basically milk with ice cream, weren't they? Sort of mixed together.

So although the Wimpy ones were nice, tasted nice, they weren't the same. But now I think the Wimpy do more sort of traditional thick shakes, but I think they still call them milkshakes. I wonder if anybody else remembers that they were called thick shakes.

Or am I the only one? I wonder if anyone else has enough time in their life to think about stuff like that? Or am I the only one? Am I the only one? So before I go, and this is what I was going to do at the beginning, but I didn't do at the beginning, so I'll do it now, is I want to say thank you to a couple of people. I want to say thank you to Vicky, who sent me $30 on PayPal. Thank you very much.

That was lovely of you. And our message was, thank you, Mr. Newland. I actually listened to your whispering recordings and just sending a calmer down.

She listens to the deep, slick whisper ones. That's brilliant. Thank you very much for that.

And also a big thank you to Andrea, who sent me £7.40 and UK pounds as a PayPal gift. So that was beautiful. Thank you very much, both of you.

It's very generous, and it's very kind, and I really appreciate it. So that, I do believe, I do believe is the end of this here recording. So I will be here again on another day, probably tomorrow, which will be the day after, kind of.

So I'm doing this today, but I'm going to post it tomorrow at midnight. So the next recording will be Sunday. Apparently, we've got a weather warning.

There's going to be possibly 80 mile an hour winds. They've been talking about it for a few days on the TV. So I've got everything I kind of need here, so hopefully I won't have to go outside if I don't need to.

And Andre doesn't seem too bothered about going out for a walk at the moment. He's quite happy, and he spent, I think, nearly all day on my bed, asleep. So I went out, and when I came back, I just got undressed.

I don't get undressed when I go home, but I took off my underpants. I've got my best underpants that I wear if I want to go shopping. I don't know why I'm saying this.

I took my trousers off and put my tracksuit bottoms on that I sort of lounge around in. I found five pairs of really tatty tracksuit bottoms that I just, and the ones I've got in now, it's got a hole in the bottom, in the back rather. So it literally doesn't matter which way I put them on, I can still use them.

I can still wear them. And it might have been caused by a particularly heavy farting spell. I don't know.

It just burnt the stitches down. Not with the stitches causing the hole. I don't know.

But I was doing that anyway, and I looked over, and Andre was just asleep, lying on his back, his little hands pressed against his face, smiling, and he just looked so cute. And he didn't, honestly, I was sitting on a chair on the bed rather, putting, you know, getting some clothes on and just moving around, did not even notice I was there. Could not care.

He was away, asleep, happy as anything. And he stayed there for hours and hours and hours till, yeah, probably about six o'clock, 6.30. And I got home about 12. So he was there for about six hours.

He did get up at one point to go to a toilet. So I dare look at the, I was kind of thinking, oh, I'd rather him not jump back on my bed straight away. But hey, there you go.

So I think he's on the bed now, actually. He loves that bed. He has like a king-size bed all to himself, and he's tiny.

He loves it. It's one of his favorite places. I know that if I wasn't here, that's where he'd be all the time, in that bed.

He wouldn't be anywhere else. He wouldn't be in his bag. He'd be on that bed.

Because when I get in the bed, sometimes he'll stay there. Sometimes he'll have a little cuddle. Other times, he'll just look at me and say, what are you doing? It's my bed, you again.

And he jumps off with a huff, sighing, and he runs out and comes into the living room. I'm like, well, what are you doing on my bed? That's his attitude. Anyway, thank you very much for listening, and I'll speak to you very soon.

So take care of yourself, and remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love. Bye.