#265 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (2nd December 2019)

Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name's Jason Newland and please only listen whence you can. Safely close your eyes.

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Right, I'm going to do a little bit of a, I'll tell you a little bit about what's just happened in my life. So, there's going to be a bit of medical stuff here. So, if it's not graphic or anything like that, it's not really my thing, but I was a bit unwell this evening.

So, I'm going to tell you about what happened, but, you know, it's boring, but at the same time, it's probably not hugely amusing either. So, you know, if, I'll keep it light, but, you know, if it's not something you really want to hear about, then I'd switch off now. But, as I said, I'm not going to sort of go into graphics and graphics.

You know, I used to do graphic design at school. Was it graphic design or design technology? I think it was graphic design. We used to have these boards that kind of, at an angle, and we'd have to kind of design stuff in almost like 3D.

And I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I really didn't like that lesson at all. And the teacher was horrible, like proper strict, but more in an unhappy person way.

Like he was clearly an unhappy person, rather than wanting to be strict, to teach discipline, you know, to help the children in the future, in their futures, you know, by having some kind of, learning something and how to behave in a way that integrates yourself into society. It was more like, I think from his angle, I don't like my job. And on reflection, I think he might have had piles, might have had hemorrhoids.

Because I think some people, I'm not saying everybody, but I think some people are a bit grumpy. It's because they're in a bit of pain, you know, physical. And having, I was going to say bum boils, but they're not bum boils, they're more kind of cavity weeds.

I don't know what you want to call them, but it's uncomfortable. First of all, so, I mean, I don't know, I can't remember him ever sitting down. That would be a clue.

Because if he sat down, he could end up with swampy pants. So I think that's a technical term, swampy pants. And that doesn't help with piles.

I have no idea. But, yeah, it was definitely, yeah, I think he had issues. And I don't think having me in his class helped his life in one bit.

I was never going to be, you know, when I was a kid, I wasn't really, I wasn't there to help out the teacher. I was just, you know, I wasn't, especially when I was not interested in a subject, which was 99% of what I did at school. Is that true? The RE, religious education, I don't know why, but I just got on really well with it.

Again, I don't know why. I think it's one of those subjects where you had to go to it back in those days. I don't know if that's the same now.

But back then, England was classed as a Christian country. And, again, I don't know if this is completely true, but as far as I'm aware, when I was at school, we're going back to 1981, when I started high school, they'd have assembly and we'd be singing Christian songs, or hymns rather, hymns, I said, in the assembly every morning. And as far as I know, that was done pretty much everywhere in the country.

Apart from, I guess, Catholic schools, I should know this because I did go to a Catholic school when I was very little, but I just don't remember. The hymns would be different. And it's very, they're different.

You see, the one good thing, not the only good thing, what I liked about Christian service, whether it's like a Christian church service, is I know the songs. Because I grew up learning them, like at school. Like Onward Christian Soldiers, and what's that one? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excelsis, that one. So I remember that. And what other ones was there?

All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, All things white and wonderful, the Lord God made them all He dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee See, and then all other ones, Amazing Grace So at Christmas there was a lot, all the special Christmas songs would pop out Silent Night, here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun So that was a popular Christian song So yeah, I know things have changed now So I don't know, I don't actually care either

Whether, I don't know if the schools in England have assemblies where they do songs and hymns and stuff I don't know So back then, it was compulsory to have religious education classes As it was compulsory to have P.

E. Which was Professional Education Professional Education P. E. Premature, no, that wouldn't be right Premature Education I don't know, P. E. P. E. , what could it mean?

Personalized And, I don't know But anyway, it was Physical Education Physical Education It used to go to Physical Education And that was compulsory And so I never, I said I never liked it The only thing I liked was the dodgeball Because I was good at that And, I mean, you know, it's like Yeah, I did like that, but I didn't really enjoy any of the other sports that was thrust upon me Like Hockey, Football, Cricket, Tennis Tennis, I didn't mind so much But I wasn't particularly adequate at Tennis In fact, generally, it would just be

me and my friend that would play it together And I was actually better than him at Tennis But he was the only person I could beat at a game of Tennis But his, I think his interest in Tennis was the equivalent to my interest in Football You know, he just didn't care It's like, someone's hitting a ball in my direction He used to just dodge out of the way And feel good that the ball didn't hit him So, with Football, he did the same as I did All we did was just stand at the corner

of the pitch And turn around, twirl until we got dizzy and just fall over on the floor That was it Now, Running, I could do More long distance running Or slow jogging Yeah, slow jogging's more my thing Rather than, I mean, I could run fairly fast But I was never, I was never motivated to win a race, generally You know, for me, you run fast when someone's chasing you And as there was no one chasing me I didn't have that motivation, really That I used to have when I was living in a rough housing estate

in Newcastle And I had motivation to run quickly I'd been chased by gangs, kids and stuff But at school, I was like, nah But there was once when I won And I actually thought, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give this race a go I know I can move quickly I was a fast runner, I knew I could move fairly quick But I did have short legs So I had a bit of a disadvantage against people that were Other kids that were a lot older and a lot taller And I could literally run through their legs while I was running You know, I was proper short Anyway, I think this is probably when I was about 13 Maybe 14 And I thought, you know what?

I'm going to put a little bit of effort into this race And I did And I shot out And I reached the 100 metre mark before anyone else I was the first to get there And I stopped and I turned around I started making rude signs to all the other people I think I bent over and showed them my bum You know, just the standard I do in the Olympics, you know, when someone wins And then suddenly All the other runners kept running And I thought, that's odd, they slowed down and stopped, innit?

And they kept running And that's really after I realised it was a 200 metre race Not a 100 metre In fact, it might have even been a 400 metre, I don't know I won the first 100 metres So in my mind At that time I won that race Yet at the same time I came last Yeah, hmm So I don't really know It's OK, I wrote it above at the back But I still won it OK, I didn't win it, but if I had have done If it had been a 100 metres I suppose realistically

The other kids would have been running faster But I did still run pretty fast I think I must have been going at least 200 miles an hour I'll guess it, I mean, give or take 100 or so, maybe 180 miles an hour You know, I was doing all right Doing all right It was going quite well And I was quite pleased With the whole thing Until I realised that I was basically running a completely different race to the rest of the races High jump Couldn't see the point in a high jump So I didn't bother

Long jump I like long jump But again, because I wasn't tall with long dangly legs I didn't have, well, just the taller people had a bigger advantage So they could just reach further But I enjoyed the activity of jumping And flying through the air And then landing in the sand It was quite a pleasurable experience, really The only other two things I quite liked In the sporting, athletics kind of scene Was the discus and the javelin The javelin, because it's basically a spear And I get to throw at people So I liked that And I

never actually managed to hit anyone But, you know, the further out someone was The more effort I put in So I didn't realise you weren't supposed to be aiming for the people But, you know, I find it gave me that extra motivation And I think I might have been banned from that And then there was the discus I quite liked the discus I wasn't particularly good at it I suppose I was average Because the discus is fairly heavy I remember even now The discus is very much like a minstrel You know, I don't mean the...

You know, the bands and the groups that no longer perform Due to... It's just not acceptable anymore, is it? The minstrels But the minstrels as in the chocolate They've got like a coated shell And they're almost spaceship sort of shape Flat and curvy at the same time That's what a discus was like But a heck of a lot bigger and heavier I would say a discus that I was chucking or throwing Would have probably been the weight and size of my head But again, I don't know I mean, how do you weigh your head? You know what I mean?

I mean, how? How? How? How can you? I suppose there must be a way I suppose if you laid down a table And then had a separate table at the head of the table With a scale And you just rested your head on it I guess that would give a Somewhat of a Calculation, I suppose I don't know Pretty sure with a discus you could like twirl around a little bit So I used to do that and I'd end up chucking the discus in the wrong direction But that's alright, I enjoy that What other things?

Andre's awake making noise now, lovely He was just there having his dinner just then A little while ago I made a deep sleep whisper hypnosis The first one I'd done since the 19th of March No, March, 19th of November And it's now the 2nd of December So I'm going to be making more More, I tell you, more More, more, more, more Tired So what I'm going to do is tell you about what happened today Well, yes, it's yesterday but it's 2 at the night anyway And I didn't feel very well Okay, so I was having

like heart palpitations or whatever And so I phoned, I left it an hour I thought I'd see how I feel in an hour's time And I thought, you know, I thought I'm not sure about this So I phoned up 111 Which is a telephone number for I think it's NHS Direct So it's like a non-emergency phone call where you can get advice For medical problems or Potentially Medically Issues, you know So I called up 111 And they said Yeah, what do you want?

I said, there's no way to answer They said, listen, just get on with it, we're I want to eat my sandwich I said, okay And I just explained my situation And these, I think it's a woman or a man, I forget I think it was a lady She might have been called Doris, I'm not sure I'd be so glad to get my new chair This one is just so uncomfortable now I've got a new one coming Today, hopefully, at some point So I'll be sitting back in Comfortable bliss In my new chair I no longer

I no longer Tend to deal with this squeaky thing I'm not sure whether to just chuck it out or Leave it in here but on the other side of the room I might do that Because although it's uncomfortable for me I'm more than happy To allow guests to sit in it I think it's comfortable enough for a guest Because There's two good things, first of all It's It's a nice kind greeting to offer a visitor A chair to sit in That's the one benefit The second benefit is the chair is so uncomfortable The visitor won't

want to stay And then they'll leave So it kind of works quite well both times So they'll leave and go My chair is really uncomfortable but He's very generous in offering it So that's kind of how I have it in my brain My brain Anyway So I called this 111 and they Asked me these questions, lots of different questions Date of birth, blah, blah, blah And then, and then, then, then, then Then, then, then, then, then I Just told her what I was, yeah I wasn't I wasn't tired at the time, I am now I

just described the symptoms and They said that they were going to send an ambulance For the paramedics to come and check me out And I thought, oh, that wasn't what I wanted It was, the way I felt is If, if it's something that might be serious Need medical attention Then I'll just make my way to the hospital But they said, oh no, we insist And called an ambulance and I waited about two and a half hours And it arrived And so what I did is They said to me, have you got Have you got anyone

with you?

I said, well I've got a ferret She said, what?

I said, I've got a ferret She said, well no, I meant a human being I said, no, no, he's a ferret She said, no, I know he's a ferret I'm talking about, have you got A contact locally Someone that can sit with you While you wait for the ambulance And I said, okay, I've got a friend downstairs He might be open to the possibility Of being here, you know Sort of keeping me company while I wait Which he did, so he came up And we just chatted and watched a bit of telly And the paramedic

The paramedic, and that was what caught it I don't know what time that was But eventually they came About two and a half hours later The taxi, the ambulance With the paramedics By this time I was feeling a lot better than I had I was no longer coughing And The chest situation kind of eased somewhat Still there but it had eased I suppose if you think about it If I was lactating It wasn't a build up of pressure And lots and lots of milk, just dribbles That was kind of how my chest was feeling Very

much like a half empty bosom And bosom, what a weird word Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow Everybody needs a bosom Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow Everybody needs a bosom They're doing a 45 Anyway I I, I, I, I I Or do I I something I, I, I, I Yeah so they came in There was two Two paramedics And you know they asked me how I was and everything And they One of them checked my Blood pressure Which was absolutely perfect One checked my, did an ECG, I don't know what it is

The thing where they stick the stuff on you, on your chest I think a couple of them, they're still there So I got one One on the right side of my chest And It's often in the middle One directly Practically in the middle but on the left side of the chest But I kind of Yeah One of the ones I got They put one on my stomach Or two on my stomach One On the left hand side Possibly one on the other side I'm not 100% And That came out fine as well And she did

a Diabetes test That came out fine as well And as They were there and I was there and I found myself becoming calmer And maybe Hearing that I'm okay Hearing, you know Seeing that my blood pressure All that stuff was practically perfect Was A kind of A nice thing to hear And I showed them Andre And then they left Saying that I was Very healthy, well I was I couldn't see any issues at all Nothing connected to my heart Which is good And I'm really tired I could so easily just fall asleep Right now So

easily Right This second I could drift off Drifting So nice And then they left and I felt better And I asked them, I said oi They said yes I said what, what, what Is causing this They said we don't know I said what do you mean you don't know They said we don't know I said well you should know shouldn't you And they said no I said I can And then they left And I started trying to figure out why I've been having those feelings Maybe I'll never know but You know I've had my blood

pressure checked So many times since I was a kid It's always been perfect Physically I've had lots of tests done And everything seems to be As far as I'm aware everything's working okay You know Parts of me may need a little bit of a cheer on You know a bit of a support but All in all generally My body's tip top condition That's kind of what happened today That's a very quiet podcast I keep drifting off Keep drifting Drifting away Far far away Deep beneath and above The waves of the ocean of tiredness Blah blah

boopity boop Boopity boop Boop boop Yes the sound effects were all produced by me Including this one See I made that sound myself Very pleased, very very pleased Another sound I made myself is this Love the sounds Oh no All he's doing is making sounds That doesn't make sense at all We need more p-p-politics We need more saucy conversations Not just random weird sounds Oh Bungle Bop bop bop Yeah Yeah I watched that I watched a good film Ch-ch-ch Ch-ch-ch Ch-ch-ch Sleep Sleep now Sleep Sleep now Fall fast asleep You must sleep You have to

sleep Let's all sleep All by getting to A-ma-ma-ma-ma Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa Ba-la-ba-dip-dip-dip Ba-la-ba-dip-dip Elsters even know Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip Choo-p-choo Sleep The most natural thing in the world Sleep in Yeah And it feels nice to just let everything drift away All thoughts and feelings, ideas drifting away Clearing your mind flatter of thoughts that may have been previously getting in the way of sleeping It's so much easier now Because as you start to think differently, start to act differently Which then changes even further the way that you act Affecting the way that you think about things Blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah Relaxed and calm and loose and easy So easy, so relaxed, so very calm, so sleepy So sleepy Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep