#275 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (12th December 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com That's my website My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes This is so... Woah! Wooah Yeah... It is the 12th of December Thursday the 12th of December 2019 And I was just listening to the radio And er It was just the radio broadcaster just mentioned that we were at the end of the decade. We are, aren't we? I didn't even think about it. We're at the end of another decade, which is kind of weird.

Well, it's not weird, but just for me, I can remember my age, but I do it by the decade, because I was born in 1970. So in 1971, I was 1. In 1986, I was 16. I was 15 until, you know, the end of August, but you know, I turned 16 in 1986.

96, I turned 26. I had to work that out. And then 2006, I turned 36.

2016, I turned 46. And now I'm 49. I think I need a girlfriend.

I don't know. Remember that song? Lonely, I'm so lonely. I need somebody to call my own.

No, I'm not lonely. You can't be lonely when you've got a ferret running around destroying the place. I don't really get lonely.

Occasionally. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't like a little bit of physical contact now and then. Just, you know, from a lady, just a cuddle or a little hand, a little handshake.

Just shake me hand. That'll be enough. Just someone just flick my ears or something.

Just something, just something. Just some kind of love. Getting your ears flicked ain't nice.

I used to have that when I was at school. I had, see my, my ears were quite big. They seemed a bit sticky-outy.

But as I got older, they don't seem that big. Now that was a boring sentence. Imagine hearing someone say that in a conversation.

Yeah, when I was younger, I used to think that I had big ears, but now my ears don't seem that big. Yeah, or what's your point? Is there more coming? Or was that the whole sentence? Yeah, that was, that was it. That was, that was everything.

Well, why are you telling us that? I don't know. I thought it might bring us closer together. I thought you might, if I told you that, you might fall in love with me.

And have my babies. I'm in a weird mood. I'm in a weird mood.

I've got the, I can't do my normal routine today because I've got, I've got my chair being picked up from the catalogue. So, cause it was, it got, it was damaged when it was delivered. And there's so much to tell you.

See, I don't plan what I'm going to talk about as I think anyone that listens more than a couple of times to my recording will know that there is no, um, I think direction is probably the right word. Andre's really annoyed with me because I wasn't able to get to the shops today. And I'll tell you why in a minute, which meant I wasn't able to get him any food.

The food that he likes. He's very, very fussy, like proper fussy. He only eats a certain type of food with gravy.

He likes, um, I can't remember what it's called, but I know the box. It's weird and I don't remember the name of it, but I know the box, not what it looks like. He won't eat it with jelly.

He will if he's hungry enough. You know, if he gets hungry enough, you know, but then we'll all eat pretty much anything if we get hungry enough. And I don't, I don't want to put him through that.

It's why should he, why should he be hungry when he's got no reason to be? If he's hungry, he eats. I don't want him sitting there thinking with his tummy rumbling, oh, I don't want to go near that stuff. Don't like it.

What have I done wrong? Why is my dad so angry with me? Why did he give me that crap again? And then, so basically I had, I found some stuff in Aldi a few months, a couple of months ago and it was a lot cheaper and it was also with gravy. So I thought I'll get this, see if he likes it. Cause it's cheaper.

And it was bigger packet, you know, I don't know. I just, I just thought I'd just test it on him just to see if he liked, if he liked it. It's not so much that that's what I would get all the time.

It just meant that I, it gave me another option, you know, instead of, cause sometimes when I go to Iceland, they don't have what he wants. And I, you know, they don't have the one in gravy. They just have it in a jelly.

So I can't get it. So it's nice to have a little backup, you know? Anyway, I bought this packet of 24 or whatever it was, and he wouldn't touch it. He liked the gravy, he'd lick the gravy up.

He liked the gravy. And then he'd just leave the rest of it. And I thought, no, leave it if he's, if he's hungry.

I don't mean like starving, but you know, he'll eat it. But he didn't. I came, you know, I left it the next morning.

I came back and it was still there, or dried up. And that doesn't stop him from eating it if it's dried up. But he wouldn't touch it.

Didn't like it. And he was, he was eating the dry food instead, which is not his first go-to. You know, he prefers the wet food to the dry food.

But I do try encouraging him to eat the dry food. Last week, cause I ran out of money, I ran out of dry food. So I managed to, I've got him some cheap go-cat dry food, which is, yeah, it's okay for cats and stuff.

There's nothing wrong with it, but I normally get him ferret, dry ferret food. Cause it's got special, I don't know, it's specifically for ferrets. And the cat food I give him isn't, you know, cause I don't, I don't give him raw meat or anything like that.

Or even cooked meat. I don't, don't like give him stuff generally. He, although he used to eat pizza, but that's cause he used to nick it.

I mean, when he was little, he's, he's still little, isn't he? But when he was like tiny, he used to be able to get everywhere. And if I left anything on a plate, whether it's pizza, bread, cake, as I say, as I say those words, a little bell rings in my ears, and I'm like, well, it doesn't sound very healthy, does it? So, okay. What, what should I say? Oh, I can't even think of a healthy meal.

What's a healthy meal? Pasta, pasta? No. Pizza with tomatoes, pizza with salad, coleslaw, ice cream, sponge and ice cream. Oh, you know, the one thing I'd like, and this is, this is a really weird thing.

I'm, I don't care about drinking alcohol. Don't care about drugs. Don't care about any of that stuff.

The one thing I'd like to be able to do without it affecting me physically, the two things. And again, I know I'm, don't judge me. I'm just saying this is what I'd like.

I'd like to be indestructible as well, but I'd like to be able to smoke cigarettes without, you know, the, but you know, obviously there's harmfulness, so forget that. But I'd like to be able to eat absolutely anything I wanted, which I kind of do, but I'd like to be able to do it without that little guilty feeling of, well, you know, this is gonna, it's a little bit like running through stinging, stinging nettles naked. It's like, you know, before you do it, you know, this is gonna end up, it's gonna end up bad.

This is not gonna be a good ending. It's like, okay. So I'm, I love, I love ice cream and I do have a sweet tooth.

There's a limit. There is a limit. Marzipan is a definite line that I won't cross.

There's, you know, there's a line of sweetness that, and I don't, I do like savoury stuff as well. Um, but I'm probably more into savoury stuff if I'm drinking alcohol. Now I don't drink alcohol at all these days, not through choice, not through like, you know, I'm not on a kind of a seven step plan or anything.

Um, I just don't drink. There's no particular reason. I've actually tried to drink and for some reason my body just doesn't, I just don't enjoy it anymore.

And that's how I used to be when I was younger, nearly all the way through my twenties. I'd have a drink now and then. If I was in a pub, nightclub, I'd have a drink.

Well, not a nightclub so much. I think I'd have a Coke in a nightclub because I didn't like using the toilets. And if I drink, I love this expression.

It's not mine, but it's, um, after the second pint, the seal breaks, you know, your bladder and you kind of continuously go into the toilet. I said, it's not my expression. I don't know where it came from, but it was a friend said that to me once.

It's funny. The seal breaks. And, um, I, that's what I'm like after two pints of lager or two cans of lager, I suppose.

I'm just constantly weeing. The only time that's been a good thing. It's not, it's not a bad thing.

You know, it's not like, it's not something that I'd need therapy for. Oh yeah. Let's talk about your childhood.

No, no, no. I want to talk. I want to talk about my constant weeing when I drink.

Oh, Jason, that's going to take years of therapy. Oh, it's only one time that it's been a good thing. And that was when I had a bladder infection.

Now I'm not saying this is a good idea because for quite a few different reasons, first of all, if you've got a bladder infection, it could be some kind of yeast thing, you know, drinking alcohol is not, especially lager and stuff. It's obviously, it's not a very good idea. I guess.

Plus I was on antibiotics. Definitely don't drink while being on antibiotics. However, I'd finished the course of the antibiotics and I still had this, it's basically a need to go to the toilet all the time.

Doing wee-wees. Piss, piss. And I, most of the time I didn't need to go.

It was just constant that like feeling. And I had it for a few weeks. And after, basically what happened is I got a dog bite.

This is, it's all to do with what I'm doing now as well. Can you believe it? I was, this is in 2000, it was during the Olympics. So when was the last Olympics? I know there was Olympics 2012.

So before that the Olympics would have been 2008. So yeah, it was a 2008 Olympics. It was during the summer.

I'd just finished my first year of university and I was delivering leaflets that I had printed up of, for my website, jasonnewland.com, free hypnosis service. And I was just delivering them. I had thousands made up and I was delivering them all around like my town.

A lovely day and you know, whatever. So it's nice. Everything was going well.

And then I put my, I put one of the leaflets through the door. But it's one of those leaflets, one of those letter boxes that was like really hard to open. So I opened it.

I had to push the paper through and then suddenly I got my, my hand was pulled and I didn't realise until I pulled my hand out of the letterbox that the end of my little finger had been bitten. So without going into too much detail. Actually the doctor at the hospital said that the nail would never grow back because I'd lost a nail.

But it has grown back. It's very scarred. It's all, you know, but in all reality, how many people look at your little finger? And even if they did, I wouldn't care.

You know, I'm really not that bothered. I think if anything, a scar shows signs of experience and just signs of, we've all got marks and scars on our bodies. Everybody, whether it's stretch marks, whether it's, I've got scars on my scalp that you can only, only see when I've shaved my head.

I've got a dent in my scalp. Oh, little Andre's being naughty. Well, just then I had to pause.

I had to pause to record it because Andre was caught in, he caught his, his fingernail in a pair of my tracksuit bottoms that he sleeps in. So I don't know how he managed to do that because I only cut his toe nails last year. I don't know how they've grown so quick, but I literally done them a few days ago.

So it's, anyway, I got it caught. I couldn't release it because it split into his nail because he'd been like forcing it. So I had to take him into the bathroom and get some scissors and cut his, his, uh, paw off.

So yeah, he's now, now only got three, three legs. So I had to cut around, cut out the, uh, you know, the, the material or whatever. And then I cut his nails.

Honestly, what would he do if I wasn't here? The amount of times that he's got caught in stuff and he's, the same happens with his, uh, with his thingy, thingamajig thing. When he's Randy, he gets caught sometimes in, it's just, it sounds wrong, but it's true. It does happen.

It does actually happen. And so I have to help him. And so, yeah, but it's like, what would he do if I wasn't here? I'm not always here.

You know, I'm not with him 24 hours a day, usually. At the moment, I kind of am if I'm at home because all the doors are open and he can come and get me whenever he wants. And if he's in trouble, I can hear him because he makes a lot of noise when he's stuck.

But, well, you know, if I'm not here, if I'm out shopping or stuff, anyway, I can't remember what it was I was talking about. And you know how I like to, I like to be very organized during these recordings. So, uh, please accept my apologies for not being perfect, as perfect as I normally am.

Perfect. Oh yeah, so I had this nail, this, um, you know, weird, I'm talking about my nail and then he gets his nail caught. So it wasn't really a big, it looked worse than it was.

Well, actually the bloke who cleaned it up said it actually is worse than it looks. But, oh, okay. But it, it wasn't really, it was, they said, oh, you might have to, you might need surgery and, uh, try and save the nail for you.

Like, you don't really care. Why would I care about a nail? I don't need you to save the nail. It's not, it's not like it's one of my kidneys.

I'm not that bothered. You know, the nail's off, leave it off. I don't need, uh, I'm not, I don't really care that much about it.

A bit of pain, pain medication would be nice, but then clean it up. And they said, well, have a tetanus, a dog bite and all that. I said, all right.

And, uh, they gave me antibiotics. And then the antibiotics after that seems to give me, I mean, it's, it's hard to know if that's what caused the bladder infection, but, uh, unless it was the dog bite that caused the bladder infection, who knows? Who knows? Anyway, I did the seven days of antibiotics, didn't drink. And in them days I was drinking pretty regularly, every day, pretty much.

And so I didn't drink for a week. I was looking forward to having a drink and the antibiotics and I had a drink and then suddenly after the antibiotics finished, you know, and suddenly I had this bladder infection. I just needed to go to the toilet all the time.

And I was a bit worried that it was a prostate thing because it's the idea of having a prostate exam. And I like my doctor as a friend, but I don't, you know, I just, I actually, a few years back I, um, had this female doctor and she just saw me. I think I've got an emergency.

I've got an appointment. I can't remember what it's for. It might just been for, um, yeah, I'll tell you what it was.

It was a review because I have an annual, an anal checkup every year where, because being with a mental health team, they give me like ECG, check my weight, check my height. What the hell are they checking my height for? Why don't you check my hair color while you're at it? And I'm five foot eight and I'm never going to be any shorter no matter what that measuring tape, how much, however much it lies to me, I will still be five foot eight. I'm never going to be shorter.

And, uh, one lady a couple of years ago was happy to say, now you're now five foot seven and a half. I said, no, I'm not. I honestly, I don't, I've never hated anyone so much.

I really hated her. She didn't realize it's like, don't mess, don't mess with a short person's height. Don't.

Every inch and not just height, you know, every, every, every, ask any man, every inch counts. So, uh, I, um, I'm five foot eight. I don't care what anyone says.

And still taller than Tom Cruise, I think. So I go to this annual thing and I, you know, I had blood press, cholesterol, all that stuff, blood tests and stuff. And, uh, then I have to go to the doctors to get the results.

So that's what I did. So a couple of years ago, I went to get the results. My cholesterol's always high or has been for the last couple of years.

It was very high back in 2008. My cholesterol was really high, but then I got it down. So, but this, the last two years, this year, especially in January, when I, cause I did the blood tests in December, went to the doctors in January and they said, your cholesterol, they told me that my cholesterol was very high and I needed to pretty much go on to, I don't know what are they, are they beta blockers or whatever? Medication.

Either that or I need to get it down low. And I said, well, and I, and they said, once you're on a medication, you have to stay on it. I said, nah, I don't fancy that.

I mean, it's, it's different if it was, I don't know if it was like a heart condition or something. And they said, you need to have this medication to live. I said, yeah, okay.

You know, it's like, yeah, cool. I'll, I'll take them. You know, I'll take them now.

How many, how many? I'll take them now, right now in front of you. But, and with the bipolar medication, I take it usually, not always, but I do take it generally. But I, I kind of hope that it will change in the future.

There'll be a time when, you know, something, especially with like brain stuff, there'll be maybe a cure for it. You know, maybe there'll be a different medication that will sort it out. Perhaps not in my lifetime, but I don't know, maybe.

But then that could be the same for everything, couldn't it? I mean, it's, who knows, 20, 30 years time, there'll be, probably be able to replace all the organs of the body, perhaps. Who knows? I hope so. Yeah.

How groovy would that be? I just want people to not suffer. That's, that's kind of what I want for other people. I don't want to be personally involved, but I just, just want, you know, that would be my wish in the world, you know, for everybody to just not suffer or to just not suffer unnecessarily.

It's okay to suffer because that's part of being alive. It's okay to have problems and bereavements and all that stuff, that's suffering. And it's just something we all need to go through, you know, relationship breakdowns, whatever, illness.

We've all got to go through that stuff and we've all been through that stuff. But sometimes it's the unnecessary suffering. That's what I don't like for others.

I don't want people, I want people to, to not have that. And yeah, I know it's a little bit dreamy. Yeah, it's a dreamy.

I kind of live in a little Disney world when it comes to that kind of stuff. But yeah, anyway. So I'm in the, I'm in the pub toilet, the urinal, right inside the urinal.

I'm standing, you know, next to it. And basically, this is like a TV show, isn't it? You see the man at the urinal and he's going, ah. And then you see like suddenly the words on the screen, three weeks earlier.

And then you go back and, you know, I'm getting a, getting my finger bitten by a dog. And, you know, it's about, and like, how did you get from there to there? So I went back to the doctors about, I thought, oh, is it my prostate? Is it enlarged? Whatever, you know, because I did what pretty much everyone does and perhaps shouldn't do. I Googled it.

And you never get nice, nice stuff. And if I've ever Googled any medical symptom where it said, don't worry, don't worry, JJ, it's going to be all right. It's probably nothing.

And get it checked out anyway, go to doctor, but just assume that it's okay. At least then you know. No, it's more like panic, panic, panic, alarm, like alarms go off.

It's like, that's the internet. So I try not to get to, to go down that line. It's difficult because it's, it's tempted, isn't it? It's just, it's almost, if you're going to, about to go on a blind date with someone, but you had their name, you'd Google them, wouldn't you? It's, you know, it's just, it's standard.

It's, I don't think anybody wouldn't. Like, no, I don't want, I don't want to know anything about them. No, you'd Google them.

I would. So, uh, I generally un-Google myself. Mind you, you know, they say never eavesdrop because you'll, you'll never hear anything you like.

Well, it sometimes goes that way with, um, Googling yourself. Cause I did that a couple of times and I've seen someone write something horrible about me. It's like, oh no, I don't like that.

Anyway, go to the doctors. The time that I went to the doctors before, you know, when I, um, and I said to the doctor, this is a couple of years ago, I said, listen, I've got prostate issues in my family, uh, two of my uncles and stuff. And I just said, and I was, um, listening to Stephen Fry on the radio talking about how you can get your prostate tested really easily now.

It doesn't, it doesn't require, uh, what it used to require. There's a way of doing it through like a blood test or a urine test or something. And she said, oh, she was, she wasn't, didn't sort of seem very convinced about that test.

I said, so what you say, I need to, need to have it, have it done like the old fashioned way, you know, like glove puppet kind of. And she said, yeah, but I'm not doing it. Well, that's what she said.

I'm not doing it. It's like, and the look on her face, honestly, it was, I almost felt like I better check my zips not undone and my, you know, make sure that I'm not hanging out. Just, she was looking at me in disgust.

It's like, oh, I forgot to put my underpants on again, my trousers. I've got to walk around naked again. Oh, and, uh, I couldn't believe it.

The look like, I'm not doing it. Honestly, she backed away. She backed away.

Well, she actually, she jumped out the window. She jumped out and ran away screaming. It's like, I didn't, I wasn't asking you to do that.

And you know what? It might surprise you, but I actually don't want you to do that. You know, it's, it's, you know, it's not really what I want a stranger. Well, it's for me, I just, um, how do I word this? Yeah.

I just, it doesn't, it doesn't feel like a medical thing to me. And I was a bit worried and I did. Yeah.

So yeah, anyway, it didn't happen and never has yet, but probably going to have to at one point. And I thought I was going to have to have that done with, with the bladder infection. Cause I didn't know it was a bladder infection when I went to a doctor.

And I thought, Oh, he's going to want to, you know, he's going to turn me into Kermit frog or something. Oh, that's my Kermit froggy. Oh, Miss Piggy.

Oh, Kermit. That's my, mind you, I didn't used to have, it was more sticks, wasn't it? With our hands and stuff. But, um, I'm trying to think of a famous puppet.

For me, Orville, but other people in other countries might not have ever heard of Orville, but if you're really bored and you're still awake, Google Orville the duck, Orville the duck or Orville and cuddles. And Orville the duck had a big hit song called, I wish I could fly. And now I'm going to sing it.

No, no, I'm not going to sing it to you. I'll do a little bit. I'll just, I'll just, thing is, if someone's already asleep and suddenly they hear me, it might put you off, but it basically is, I wish I could fly, right up to the sky, but I can't.

And the, uh, what's his name? Keith Harris says, you can. I can't. And then he says, I wish I could do the things that the other birds do.

You can. I bloody can't. And then Keith starts singing, look Orville, who is your very best friend? And Orville looks up at him and he says, you are.

I'm going to help you mend your broken heart. And Keith Harris would look at the audience and they'd smile. Had a lovely smile.

Had really curly hair. It's very lovely. I saw him once, um, on stage.

It's really nice. Anyway. And he says, now listen to me, Orville, Orville.

Orville looks up to him. Who is your very best friend? So he looked, he's looking at the duck. We all know it's a puppet, but the way he looks at the duck, he's really sure it's like there's some love there.

Real kind of connection. I'm going to help you mend your broken heart. And listen to me Orville, Orville.

Yeah. Who is your very best friend? You are. I'm going to help you mend.

And then Orville sings this bit. My broken heart. I could do it.

I can do a better sound if it's louder. So I'm doing it quiet. I wish I could fly right up to the sky, but I can't.

You can. I can't. It was great.

And then there was, um, Cuddles, who was a monkey. And he kept saying, I like, I hate that duck. I hate that duck.

And it was like, and then Orville would say, I hate that monkey. I don't like monkey. I don't like him at all.

I hate that monkey. So it was kind of, it was good. It was, it was really, I'm not sure I've really sold it to you.

I think you need to perhaps go on YouTube and see it for yourself, but it's, uh, admittedly, if it was in the charts now, you possibly wouldn't want to go and buy it from my description. I hope I hold my hands up to that. It's like, but I'm not, I'm not trying to sell you the song.

They should have done a Christmas, Christmas song. Did you know, did you know that, uh, the Pogues frontman, um, Shane, I think it's Shane, isn't it? You know, the Pogues, the Christmas song, um, that they did something in New York, Fairytale of New York. He earns about 700,000 pounds a year in royalties, just from that song, according to the internet.

700,000 pounds a year. And every year he's, he's in the charts with that song, or him and his band are in the charts with that song. Every, cause it's one of the most famous Christmas songs in this country, possibly in other countries as well.

And it's like, wow. And there's one word in the song, which has, as time has gone by, is edited out and it's been changed to maggot. So it's a word that rhymes with maggot, I think, or maybe, no, maybe it's just been deleted or edited.

I don't know. But sometimes the radio stations forget. I forget to do it and they'll, they'll play it, you know, in the morning or early afternoon and they'll just play the original version.

I completely forgot to play the, the clean version and I don't know, it just, it mildly amuses me that they've forgotten. That's all really. There's no, no, nowhere else.

There's nothing else to go with that story. So I remember that year, 1980. That's good.

I remember that year clearly. It was 19, um, it was, um, yeah, it was clear as, clear as fog. I remember it was 1988 or, no, it wasn't.

It was Christmas 1987, the Pogues, pretty sure. And it didn't get to number one, but I wanted it to. I didn't buy it.

You know, I just wanted it to get to number one, but I didn't need to buy it because I had the radio playing all day long at work. And at least once an hour, possibly more than often than that, that song was being played. So why, why did I need to buy it? And if I was listening to it all the time, the last thing I wanted to do was go home and listen to it in the evening as well.

Mind you, I was working in the evenings too. So I was, I was hearing it all the time. And I just thought it'd be good to have something like that, number one, because it was so, it was kind of, I think the word irreverent, because it was like an anti-Christmas song, really, because they were basically hurling insults at each other, which I thought was really groovy.

And another one of my favourite Christmas songs is, I like all of them really. Not carols, I'm talking about Christmas, like pop songs. I like Christmas carols as well.

But I like the, I like Last Christmas by Wham. I like the Elton John Christmas song, and I like the Shakin' Stevens Christmas song. So if you want to get, if you want to really kind of get to know me a little bit, get to know my kind of background and my childhood likes and dislikes, I'll let you into a little secret, just in case you don't know.

I, I don't want to use the word obsessed, but I was a huge fan of Shakin' Stevens. And that would have been late 70s, early 80s, all the way through the 80s, really. But, you know, my fanaticism, which is something, isn't where fan comes from? Fanaticism, fanaticist, which is kind of extreme.

I, a fan, the word didn't come from fanny fart, did it? It must have been from fanaticist, yeah. And I did, and probably by the age of probably by 85, 1985, 86, I probably wasn't that bothered about him anymore. But, you know, he had a good run with me.

He, and he was the biggest, he was the most successful British singer in the 80s. See, above George Michael, above Elton John, above Cliff Richard, those people that you'd expect to be, you know, the top, um, what's his name? Shakin' Stevens was the biggest selling recordist, most successful recordist, recording artist of that decade because he spanned the entire decade and he kept having a hit after hit, album after album. Did I say aftie? Album aftie album.

And, uh, at least that's what the internet says. But it's real fine, real fine. Behind the green door, don't know what they're doing, but they laugh out loud behind the green door.

Wish you'd let me in so I could find out what's behind the green door. Green door, what's that secret you're keeping? Green door. Green door, what's that secret you're keeping? There's an old piano and they play it hot behind the green door.

Green door, don't know what they're... Anyway, yeah, so I know some of the words. My favourite, apart from the Christmas song, there's a few others that I kind of, I've forgotten about, but I hear now and then I think, oh, I like that. But there's a particular song, It's Raining, and it goes like, it's raining so hard.

Yeah, I think it's gonna rain all night. Well, I guess I'll have to accept the fact that you're not here. I wish the rain would hurry up and end my day.

It's hard to sing at this volume. I mean, you know, if I was actually singing, you'd just be blown away. Like, wow, wow, that's awful.

That's really bad. But you know, it's at a low level, it sounds kind of... So I had the dog bite and I was waiting for the doctor and I was thinking, oh, I'm gonna have to, he's gonna turn me into Orville the duck. Basically, that's what I was saying.

That's how I got into Orville. And well, that didn't happen because the doctor said, oh, he's got a bladder infection. Here's some more antibiotics.

Yeah. So I took them, didn't work. Went back a week later, took another load for another week and still didn't work.

So I'd gone about three weeks without drinking any alcohol and I wasn't happy. I just wanted a drink. It was just because I was used to drinking every day.

It wasn't really like a problem or an issue, just it was my hobby, I suppose. I don't know. It was something.

Anyway, I went to the pub. Because I'd finished the antibiotics. And I thought, urgh.

Got very angry. Very. And I had a pint of lager.

I think I ordered two pints of lager and sat down. And the first one went down pretty quickly. And then I had another pint.

And then, as my friend said, the seal broke. And I went to the toilet, half expecting more of the same, you know, that I'd had for two, three weeks or whatever. And I had the best wee wee of my entire life.

And it was long. The wee wee, that is. It was unsatisfying.

It felt beautiful. I can't explain. Honestly, it's one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life.

And it just lasted forever. It was just, it's like the whole two pints were just leaving. And all the other water, because I'd been drinking water.

Oh, it was so nice. And I finished. Yeah, I did what was necessary.

And I washed my hands, of course, because I'm very hygienic. And that feeling, I went and sat back down at the pub. That feeling had gone.

That feeling that I'd had for all those weeks of, like, needing to go to the toilet had just gone. It's almost like those two pints of lager just cleaned out, cleaned out my, my bladder and it was just done, gone. Whatever was in there, just, and I've never had it since.

And this was back in 2008. It's now 2019. Never had that feeling ever again.

It was quite a magical moment. It's really easy, you know, to get stuck in remembering, like, crappy stuff that happened. But that was a magical moment in my life.

And you say, well, what about the three weeks leading up to it? Yeah, it wasn't so great. But you know what? That feeling of absolute pleasure, which is in the top 10 of feelings I've had, probably. The feeling of complete, just, relief, release.

You know, it wasn't, it was the tension was releasing from my body. The mental anguish, everything was just all being released out of me, dingy. And it was nice.

And it just, oh, it was really good. I'm not going, ah, but yeah, it was really good. So I think it's nice if we can actually remember the nice moments, because even with like illness and stuff, there's a point when you feel better.

There's a point, you know, I had gastroenteritis earlier this year. Oh God, that was, that was horrible. But the thing is, I was able to laugh at it.

I was able to laugh at what was happening, even though I didn't feel very good. And I'd almost reverted back to being a baby. I lost control of everything.

It was really, I'm not gonna go into details, but part of my pride it got extinguished during that period, which is good. You know, part of this kind of, I'm this person and I'm, you know, well actually, well I am a person, but having gastroenteritis meant that I couldn't leave the house. And things were happening that would normally be unacceptable, but I could not control it.

I had nothing and I was ill. And there was freedom in that. I literally, I was sitting there and my friend was sitting the other side, sitting over there or whatever.

And I farted, which is normally just a normal thing for me. And I said, excuse me, I'm gonna have to go and have a bath. It's just like, I was laughing because my washing machine wasn't too happy, but you know, it's kind of, it's nothing I can do about it.

This is, you know, and then when it finished and I was able to eat again and go back to doing what I normally do, it felt great. I was going to talk about the election, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Because the election's today and I'm waiting for the chair to be picked up.

I need to walk up and get my, well I need to vote. I need to go and vote today. So I'm probably going to go out with my friend and I need to go and cancel out his vote, basically.

So whatever he votes, I know who he's voting for, I'll vote for the opposite. Not for that reason, but it's just, we've got different political leanings. I'm not really very political.

I just don't like the way that the public has been treated for the last nine years. Plus I lost my career because of the government. You know, I was a councillor and all the austerity cuts, I ended up losing my career as a councillor because I was working for charities and they lost their finances.

I lost my work. And then I ended up going back and working in a call centre and I got ill. So yay, yay, yay, yay the government.

But what I do is every, every election night, I stay up all night and watch the election. Now I realise these days I stay up all night anyway, so it's not really a big thing. But I used to stay up all night and then go to work in the past.

So this would be the first, no, the second election night, because there was one in 2014. No, 2017, sorry. And so this would be the first election, the second election night where I'm not really affected by it in the sense of staying awake.

Although two years ago, I wasn't awake all night. This is more just the last year or so, I think. So my routine, I've got a little routine that goes on with the election is, this started in 19, 1986, 1987.

So there was an election in 1987. I was living above a chip shop where I worked. And I worked until probably 10 o'clock, something like that, nine o'clock.

I can't remember. Whatever time I finished in the evening, went upstairs. I didn't vote.

I wasn't old enough to vote, so I think you had to be 18 to vote back then. And I was only 17. No, 90.

No, I was still 16. I was 16. Because I wasn't 17 until the August.

And this, the election was probably around about the June, May time, I think. I'm not 100% sure. Anyway, I started a new tradition in the Newland household, my household, which I've carried on pretty much every election night.

And that is, I get a pizza by delivery, or if I live close to the pizza place, I'll go and collect it. But I don't at the moment, so I haven't done it for a long time. So I will get a pizza delivery and I'll sit up all night and I'll watch the results coming in.

And I watch, I don't always stick to just one channel. Usually I'll watch BBC One, because I like their political coverage, the way they, they're very good. They're used to doing it.

But I also like to sort of skip sometimes to maybe channel four, because they'll have a bit of a comedy thing going on, where they'll still have the results, but they'll be kind of making fun of each other and making fun of the politicians. So sometimes I'll skip between the two. And what I find interesting is the results are different between the two channels.

So one's ahead of the other. So like, which one's right? But yeah, I do find it interesting. So I've been doing that since 1987.

I don't know how many elections they've been in since that time. I mean, they're usually about every four years, but I'll probably talk more about that tomorrow. That's if I do one tomorrow.

Blimey. No, I suppose I could, if I wait until early hours of the morning and I can leave the TV on, it will still have the, the results coming in, won't it? So I can, I can watch it on mute for an hour. That won't, that should be all right.

Yeah, that should be all right. And then I'll tell you about my, I'll tell you about that. I say I'm going to tell you now, but I probably won't tell you because I'll probably end up talking about my toenails or something.

Yeah. So what am I going to do? I was going to give a, I was going to give a special shout out to somebody. I'll do that tomorrow as well, as well.

I've been thinking before I go, I've been thinking, it does happen sometimes and it's not a new thought. It's the possibility of doing a live broadcast, a regular daily, nightly live broadcast. But I don't know if I've got it in me to do it, which might sound a bit strange, but I don't know.

I'd need to have some interactions and, and by live broadcast, I don't mean on Facebook, no video. It'll be like a radio show and there'll be on speaker, but I'll put it on my, my website so you can listen directly there or go to speaker or wherever. And then you can listen to it afterwards on various podcasts, whatever it would, you know, it'll be saved automatically.

I thought it'd be, it'd be something that I could do live so that you'd, for those that want to listen at a specific time for the company or for just something to do, or just cause they enjoy it, you know, just for something to do. There's always something to do, isn't there? But I don't know if that would be something that would be, I don't know if it's a good idea or not. Basically, that's what I'm saying.

And then I could have people send in like Facebook messages and Twitter messages, and I could reply to them, you know, I could say hello to people that have sent messages and I could read out the messages, but I wouldn't do, I wouldn't be talking to anybody live, like not verbally. It's just me doing my rambles that I do, but with a little bit of interaction. So you could be part of the show, you know? And I thought about doing it at one o'clock to four in the morning, UK time, but I'm not sure what that time is in America or in Australia.

That's what makes it kind of difficult because I'd like to do it, not just for those that, you know, are listening to relax and to kind of switch off your brain and, you know, just to have a bit of you time, a bit of calmness, but also for those that are listening to go to sleep. Although my Orville, the duck impressions singing might not have been useful for that. I'm talking about my prostate, I don't know, but anyway, it's hard to please everybody and to have it at the right time for everybody that listens.

And it's a shame, but we've got these different time zones. I mean, in America, you've got different time zones in your own country. It's so big.

It's sort of, you know, in this country, we've got just one time zone. It does change twice a year. It goes forward and it goes backwards an hour and stuff.

And I don't know if other countries have the same thing. But with like the local countries, like Germany and a lot of Europe, there might be an hour difference or two hours difference. But then the further we get away, like Canada, America, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, it's just a different time zone completely.

I think Australia is practically, it's the opposite to what we are, I think. And I think America is about six or seven hours behind us, like time-wise, I think. And so it is, I don't know what time it is, let's say it's 8.30 in the morning now here.

You won't have 8.30 in the morning in New York until maybe 2.30 this afternoon here. You know, so it's hard to work out a time that would suit everybody. And at the same time, I don't want people listening to this while they're driving or, you know, because it's very, I know that, I just don't, you know, that's why I say at the end of the day, safely close your eyes.

There's a reason for that. And it is boring, and it's supposed to be boring. And, you know, I kind of, I'd like to please everybody.

And I've had enough relationships to know that that's practically impossible. If you can please one in 10, you're doing well. That's what I think.

So, I don't know. Let us know what you think. If you, if you fancy, contact me on Facebook, leave a message on my website, jasonnewland.com. And I might do a live thing.

I'm not sure. What I might do, and I was just thinking about this, this makes a bit more sense, is maybe do a live recording once a week and see how it goes. So, do the recordings, but then a live show one night a week, like on a, I don't know, Friday from one till four.

Yeah. The only problem, I know it's, this is a bit selfish here really, but one problem I'd have is, I like watching boxing. And sometimes there's boxing on in America, early hours of the morning.

I wouldn't want to miss that. So, probably at least 10 times a year, maybe more, I wouldn't be able to do a Saturday night, unless I pre-recorded it and just played it. Or just said there's no live recording.

Yeah, why not? Yeah. Or just have it on at a different time. Why am I making it so complicated? So, I might do it.

I don't know why once a week isn't enough to me. It seems that there should be at least two days, like a weekend, Friday night and a Saturday night, or early hours of the morning, which means some people that don't get to stay up late the rest of the week, maybe are up on a Friday night and a Saturday night. We'll see.

We'll see. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. I better turn my phone on for these. What is it called? Delivery, when someone picks something up.

So, they're not delivery people, are they? It's picking up people. I'd be glad to have that chair gone. Oh, I've got a story to tell you about that chair.

I'll tell you another time. Didn't have time during this. Oh, I've got a story to tell you.

Anyway, I shall speak to you soon. I will speak to you tomorrow. So, please remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy.

You really do. You deserve to be happy. Say it after me.

I deserve to be happy because you're a kind person. You've got a kind heart. You're a nice person.

So, take care and I'll speak to you tomorrow. Lots of love. Bye.