#254 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (14th November 2019)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com and the slamming gate in the garden in the distance and the sound of my vibrating humming laptop on the table quite near to where I'm currently sitting. This is let me bore you to sleep. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes because this recording that is being recorded specifically to induce sleepiness may cause sleepiness and therefore it's very important to only listen to my voice.

You're able to feel increasingly more relaxed not just in your body but also as your mind starts to slow down. Your mind may drift and as I said that I seem to have done an internal fart. Like I did a fart in my stomach.

I heard it. It sounded like a fart and it was definitely gas. It was supposed to stay in my stomach.

How weird and you may think not as weird as the fact that you're mentioning it during a sleepy recording that's being recorded specifically in order for sleepiness to take over your body and your mind. However, the sound from my stomach seemed quite loud just like that train that's going by in the distance. I want to say the train's going by.

It's almost like I'm talking like it's flying over the building. It's not. It's on the railway tracks but sometimes it sounds closer than other times and I'm not sure why because there are times when I can just be sitting here in my big black squeaky chair which is peeling like a big hairy sunburnt back.

You know after a few days it's peeling off and that's what's happening to my chair. The only reason I can imagine for this state of affairs is that whilst I was out during the summer my chair was in the garden sunbathing and I kept saying use suntan lotion if you go out in the garden and sunbathe but my chair kept saying no I never go out there why would I need suntan lotion. Now you know why because you're all dry and wrinkled up like a pensioner's willy all shriveled up and the chair is falling apart.

It's falling apart but it's okay because it doesn't have to be visually pleasing it's not a model on the cat walk. Guess what I saw today? I was walking to the garage and I saw a man walk from the garage to a van and he was wearing shorts you know the things that children wear at school in the 50s and like a little dusty worm. So yeah and I thought it was about five degrees and there I was with my hat on and my gloves oh the gloves I was wearing my gloves I love my gloves.

Did you realize the glove has the word love in it? G love. I'll put my G loves on. I love my gloves.

See I never aspired to be a rapper but I think I would have been quite okay at it. I'll do one off the top of my head When I left school when I left school I didn't want to be a rapper. I ended up working a chip shop covered in batter so yeah that's that's my rap.

I walked down the street I saw some curtains had a beak I saw the person inside I gave a big smile then I went to prison for a while. I used to I used to write poems. Poems.

I think my inspiration for poems was love. I'm not talking about my gloves. I've never seen a pair of gloves in a fort.

Where's my poetry book? I've got to write a sonnet. Never happened. Never happened.

This uh I was completely bethroned. Is it bethroned or bethrosed or besotted? I'm trying not to use the word obsessed so besotted which is another word for obsessed but I was besotted with a girl at school. I was at school as well at the time and I was a couple of years older um biologically and I would say she's probably a couple of years older than me biologically so you know it's uh I was very very immature for my age.

I kind of still am. My voice broke last Wednesday so I guess I'm going to live to be about 329 which is quite good I suppose and uh I don't know where I came up with a number of 329. I would like to live forever.

It's not just so I can see everybody else die. It's I think it would be for me it'd be kind of like an educational thing. I'd love to be able to just go to university and study and study and study and knowing that I had endless time I could learn French or something or do something equally pointless you know just just for the hell of it but I think we really imagine we might not need to imagine you might already be a prolific language learner.

You learner you. Some people can learn lots of different languages and speak lots of different dialects and stuff and I'd like to say I admire them but I just don't really. I just don't.

I don't see the point but that's I'm at home with my ignorance. I'm very very relaxed into it. I don't know.

When I was in Bulgaria I would have loved to have been able to speak Bulgarian because I actually met some people that I actually wanted to talk to. In fact I probably met more people that I wanted to talk to in the 10 days I was in Bulgaria than previous 10 years in England. You know I've not met many people in my life and thought I wish I could speak I wish I could just speak the language and communicate with them but then that wouldn't be logical would it because most people that I've met speak English.

But I've met a lot of people that I imagine if there was a language barrier I might be rather pleased. You know like after the first conversation and then they just stopped being able to speak English and I couldn't understand them anymore. I was like oh never mind that's a shame.

We'll get back together and have another conversation when I've learned your language. See you in 500 years and then I'll hide. The thing is if really if you could live forever, if I could live forever and ever and ever I would play hide and seek.

I'd always win because I could just hide anywhere. Hide under a tree at the top of a tree or just keep walking and I'd never get caught, never get found. I'd win every single game of hide and seek.

Now some people may say that having the gift of eternal life would be somewhat trivialized and not respected if it was just used to win children's games. But what I say to them is and I think that generally always wins. I think sometimes the small child's response is the best response you'll ever get.

You know someone says something to you and you just say back to them regardless of what they've said. Doesn't matter, same response. What you say is what you are.

Another one is you know what, that's what. Now who's the childish one? You could play practical jokes couldn't you on people. If you were just going to live forever you didn't need to eat because the living forever can't be dependent upon health or food or water.

So basically you'd be able to live without having to eat or drink or anything otherwise it's not living forever if it's dependent upon circumstances including oxygen. So you get to live forever. You could play practical jokes on people.

Yeah yeah you could couldn't you could just set up a whole big scenario where you let a family member close to you inherit an old house that you left in your will that you've gone missing. They don't know that you're going to live forever and so what you do is you tell them that they can only have the house if they go and live in the hut, the house.

So what you do is you build the house in the middle of nowhere surrounded by swamp alligators and bats your giraffe and you have this house and they've only got one little bridge that they can get over so they have to walk over the bridge because it won't take a car but the stipulation is they have to live in the house and the property including all the area is worth lots of money.

I don't know you know it's made up isn't it so I can it's worth a hundred thousand pounds and then you tell them it's haunted and you know you don't tell them because they think you've gone but you know they so don't. The stipulation is you have to sleep there or maybe just for six months and then you can sell it.

It could be something like that and then what I would do is before I sent then the thing I'd have the house built and when I got it built I'd get myself tarmac'd into the ceiling of the bedroom just above where the bed's gonna be so I'll just stay there already maybe take a book and then I'll have the whole thing set in motion so that you know my sister gets the letter you know the will saying oh you've inherited this from JJ and you've uh you have to live in it for six months in

order to inherit it otherwise it'll be donated to I don't know the zoo I don't know whatever I don't know what's uh you'd think I'd be able to remember a charity wouldn't you I'm kind of like a charity kind of you know doing something to help people I'm being boring to help people that maybe have active minds and to calm down and relax focusing on me and my voice and in turn allowing you to just you know let go and slow down and calm down and relax blah blah blah so a few months later there's

my sister uh and her husband they've moved in they're in bed they think the six months is nearly up because they've been there for five months and 24 days and they think a few more days and then we're done we can leave here we can sell it obviously say goodbye to the alligators first because we have bonded but then we're going to leave sell this place and uh we'll be able to buy a maybe a mansion somewhere in England maybe in the countryside or we can get a studio apartment in London so you know it

just depends what we can do with our money the millions and uh and they'll be talking to each other and just as I hear I'll wait and then suddenly they'll see the sledgehammer sledge through the ceiling and I'll fall through and land on them and go boo surprise so I think that'd be quite a good practical joke especially when the punchline is I'm still alive you don't inherit nothing contract void which would probably be a little bit rude but maybe I could definitely win a staring contest with an ape at the zoo because they like

to stare but I'd have nowhere to go I wouldn't have to leave I could just stay there in fact I could get into the cage because I'm indestructible but I wouldn't because it's obviously not a good idea to recommend that because that would be very silly so cementing yourself into a ceiling for six months that's okay then is it no I'm not saying that either come on it's all just silliness silly silly silly silliness wonder what other things I would do you know what even if I was gonna live if I would read my advice

right if you could live forever and ever and ever I suppose a few bits of advice would be first of all and probably most important no matter how caught up you get in the fact that you're gonna be around forever and you can do anything you want for as long as you want please still don't waste time watching superman 4 it's a really bad film please even honestly even if life is eternal it won't it that oh you'll never get that time back and that one and a half hours will seem like an eternity this

is really really really really bad film the first three were really brilliant the fourth one sadly actually I think it was written and directed by superman himself you know I remember at this time thinking I wish you should just stick to horse riding but then you know after that I thought oh no honestly honestly the the script is it's really bad really bad and I love superman I love Christopher Reeve I you know but that although he was in a really good film I mean other than superman where he was a time traveler and he

fell in love was he staying in a hotel and he fell in love with a woman in a picture and he went buh-byes he went to a nice little sleep and he time traveled to and he met the lady and had a romance with her I can't remember what it's called but one thing I'm pretty sure of is he neither wrote nor directed the film because it was very good I shouldn't say that he's I think he was the best superman no superman can because he had I don't know he had more more depth to

him than any other superman that I've seen you know it was funny and didn't take itself too seriously unlike the DC DC superman like in the latest films he's quite a serious man but it's quite weird though because in the last film that superman was in which had Aquaman Aquaman, Wonder Woman, The Flash and Cyborg is it Cyborg I don't know and all four of those superhuman people couldn't match superman all at the same time which doesn't seem fair because when you see a superhuman or a super hero in the film their own film they

are the top super person you know they're the strongest and the fastest and all that stuff but when you put them together and you add and they're all kind of they've got equal qualities in some ways and they've all got strength and the flash I mean it was it's speed obviously with him I'm not I don't talk about Flash Gordon wasn't that Flash oh wasn't that one it was The Flash as in very fast very fast so I prefer I don't I don't think comparing things is always particularly useful but I think in this situation

comparing two superheroes that both have the same same superpower is pretty useful although although although although in the tv show The Flash he heals really quickly because everything happens very quickly which is why he's single most of the time I imagine and when he gets injured he heals now with the X-Men and I forget his name but he's by the way if you hear the gate in the background nothing I can do about it is I'm sure someone just stands out there just slamming the gate through utter boredom maybe they're listening to me it's a

bit it causes people to stand there and just close gates constantly and um Silverstreak or Silver something and he is Magneto's son in the X-Men the like the new generation X-Men and or Origins or whatever but in the last film he gets his leg injured so he's he's unable to do anything or was it his arm I think it was his leg so that that kind of made me think well he hasn't got exactly the same powers as The Flash however the special effects with the DC um no with the X-Men and the really fast

man on that one it's just really really better it's much better than the the effects with the DC um well they're both DC no this DC yeah Marvel is uh the X-Men so but the Marvel one it's still good effects but it's not they didn't put the time in I don't think to The Flash I seem to be a bit more interested in Aquaman and Wonder Woman a bit the thing is it wasn't until I watched Aquaman the movie that I realized how powerful he really is because out of the water he can't match a

lot of the other superheroes you know he can't fly and I don't know but under the water he can pretty much outdo everybody because he can control the city I wonder why the gate keeps slamming like that I'm not going out there there's literally no lights out there at all apart from the lights that are there other than those lights there's no other lights so I don't go out there when it's dark I'm not scared of the dark I'm just braver in the night time and you know it's light I'm not scared at night I'm

just brave during the day there's a difference in it I'll hear something oh can you believe this yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away and I ordered a ordered a grocery delivery from Sainsbury's for those uh listening to this in the future so I'm recording this on the what day is it wow it's 21 minutes past midnight so it's the 14th of November November 2019 so if you listen to this in 2029 or something in 10 years time then I should really mention what Sainsbury's is it's a supermarket I guess I should explain what

a supermarket is well how do I explain it we used to have these big buildings they weren't really buildings they were more like little not lego but that's not a good description but kind of more like a warehouse if you see them being built they're they're put together pretty quickly and they're like sheds really and anyway they're these big buildings and people used to go there and purchase groceries like food anything to do with like household stuff clothes even you know and supermarkets were blamed in the 80s 90s 2000s whatever you know over about 30

year period 40 years supermarkets got blamed for taking away the business from independent shops you know independent independent news agents independent post offices independent butchers and independent bakeries independent sausage makers I don't know and and they took over and people would drive and buy all the week's food like all in one go maybe and and then they started opening smaller supermarkets that took away the business from the remaining shops if they could and so they got a lot of flack over the years but even though they created hundreds of thousands of jobs for people and

the the shopping experience for a lot of people was possibly much nicer you know easier more choice you know things like that but and then well as you know now in to the 2029 you get everything from amazon so is basically you say into your smart device we don't call them smart devices anymore do we in 2029 you just speak out loud and amazon does the rest and within two hours an hour whatever you've ordered is delivered to your doorstep and it's done instantly our supermarkets were the precursor to that due to the internet when

the internet started and not when it started but once the supermarkets started to realize that more and more purchases were being made online they started offering delivery and you know have their own websites so you could order online order on your app on your phone and stuff like that oh we used to have phones back then as well those were uh you know the things that you just press on your ear it's like that but it was like a handheld thing it's uh yeah it got rid of them eventually they realized the uh yeah wasn't

great for eyes um but basically the supermarkets couldn't keep up with amazon because amazon owned well at that time they didn't own everything they didn't rule the world at that time but you know as we know now they they rule everything this is their world but a very efficient world some past political figures from the past would have been quite pleased with how efficient everything everything runs now in 2029 and city supermarkets they kind of dwindled out unfortunately because they didn't give the same service but the one thing is we've still got delivery people people

delivering the jobs just got transferred into other things so it's okay and podcasts became really as you know really popular because in 2019 when i'm doing this this particular podcast i worked out i get 600 plus sometimes more downloads a day for people listening to each day so that's not that's not 600 each day it can be much more than that but 600 per episode per day so if i release this episode in an hour's time then that day the 24-hour period to be about 600 downloads on this podcast and a couple of others which

this is on as well now 2029 hundreds and hundreds of thousands of downloads and it's weird isn't it to think back all that time and i used to think 600 was good for just one recording and but realistically like compared to what it is now it's amazing and then as you know it was what 2000 was it 2019-2022 2024 wasn't it so five years ago when i became king of the world now admittedly i'm you're guessing this i just realized i was getting a bit carried away there i'd settle for emperor don't need to be

king emperor's fine and you know what when i was younger and i thought if i ever lived in a world an amazonian world i thought it would be a wonderful place to be based on certain films that i've watched didn't think it was be all about packaging and boxes oh yeah that's that's the point yesterday so i had to get a few bits from my flat my my toaster broke my kettle was pretty much it's running out you know the kettle when it's boiling it just reminds me of watching the london marathon and some of

those people that are just getting you know about 100 yards away from the finishing line and they just have they're dragging themselves you know they're determined to get over that line no matter what it takes and i kind of get that sense with my kettle so i've got a new one coming and a a toaster as well because the toaster broke and here's the thing i got this metallic week like a calendar planner whatever to put on the fridge door it said it was the right size for any fridge door and it's basically just monday

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday with a box on the left hand corner top saying important things to do this week and at the right hand side bottom what else i don't know something else so so it came came in the post ironically it's not really ironically it's the wrong word but i ordered stuff from the catalog and i ordered stuff from amazon later and the amazon package arrived first so amazon really occasionally i have to wait for stuff so i was and getting soundproofing for my flat during the summer just trying to get the

place soundproof so i could do recordings without gates slamming in the garden but even the soundproofing doesn't stop that hopefully when i've converted the garden shed and done all that it'll be better but so i had a couple of things that didn't turn up for about 10 days but often things do get here within a day or two which is pretty amazing really that's why i think it's important to because they're such hard workers the delivery drivers for amazon it's important to make sure you give them a nice big kiss just to say thank you

and it's got a double double uh usefulness okay it's got double use i'll have to edit that out delete make that a bit quieter double usefulness is instead of them insisting on you signing for the package or opening the door they're quite happy just to leave it on the doorstep so that's quite good i almost feel like i've got a relationship with my uh stomach andre that was andre oh andre yesterday oh the packaging right i got this packaging and it was this big box and i thought i wonder what that is because i ordered

a couple of things from the catalog stuff that i needed needed a new bin needed a microwave and stuff like that and it's all on the catalog so i'll pay it off over the next eight months and this box i opened it up and there was this little fridge magnet planner in a box that could have carried probably 20 of them i mean it's the box is big enough for me to put half my belongings in it's this is a huge box and then the microwave came as it was it's like a little box it's

like oh you make your minds up wouldn't you and then one of the boxes that had the yeah i got a lamp because my light bulb went and the lamp broke it's weird you know weird when everything sort of breaks at the same time and my voice broke didn't it last week so i've got this lamp like a stand-up lamp and the packaging this really heavy thing actually i was surprised and i had to put it together which i managed to do again which i was quite surprised becoming a lot more practical in my uh

old age pensioner age and uh the packaging that inside had this sty is it sty phone styrene styrene phone you know which they put inside the box to keep stuff sort of safe you have it in laptops and televisions and all kind of stuff usually at the side well this had two round indents where the base of the light went and where the lampshade of the light went both heavy bits of metal and the long bit the bit that i mean it wasn't long to start with i had to maneuver it and like pull it

a little bit to make it longer to sort of to make it straight and the wire went through from the top all the way through the bottom so i kind of had to pull on it to sort of even you know and then i had to screw it i just because it all kind of it was like four bits that screwed together and uh but i made a mistake i left it on the floor the polystyrene polystyrene the polystyrene i think it is i left it on the floor and i was in here on my

big black squeaky sunburned peely chair and i heard this scratching i didn't know what it was i kind of ignored it i could hear it but it's a lot a lot scratchier than normal and i thought i better check make sure andre's okay that he's not trapped somewhere and you know locked himself in the cupboard or something which he sometimes does and the sight i saw well i made a video of it two little videos that i put on my youtube channel and also i posted the youtube videos on my facebook page i couldn't believe

what i saw he had been digging into the styrofoam but proper digging into it he was covered in this white stuff the last time i saw him last time i saw him like that was when i took him out in the snow and did i have little bits of ice stuck to him he actually quite likes the snow and uh but he was covered absolutely covered and not only was he covered the whole of the bedroom floor was covered the bed my bed was covered because he climbed onto the bed and spread it all over

there the hallway was covered i was walking it and he was walking in and out of afterwards he spread it everywhere including the kitchen and living room it's just everywhere and i spent hours cleaning it up today and getting rid of the styro styrofoam styrofoam whatever however it was funny because normally if he sees me filming him he stops doing whatever he's doing and he runs off because he's very camera shy but if there was something about that styrofoam that he loved and someone posted so i put i filmed him and then he stopped doing

it and then i filmed him again when he started and i picked him up and showed like all the mess all over them someone posted on youtube um isn't that phone dangerous for that ferret um well i don't know it's not something i ever really let him do he has done it in the past but not like that he's had like a like a plastic you know just a flat bit where he's been playing around with it and but he's never been able to dig into anything before like this because it already had a hole

in it he could really dig proper dig so he's not done it before and with the amount of mess he made he's not doing it again but the reason i didn't stop him doing it because he was having so much fun he was having the best time and i when i went in there i took her to the film whatever i thought should i just stop him and i'll take it away from him and i thought no he's really enjoying himself and i don't think he'd do it if it was harmful for him you know

if it was making him cough or sneeze it'd stop he's you know he's pretty pretty bright you know in that way he doesn't doesn't purposely do things that harm himself and maybe if he was scratching and polythene styrene or whatever day in day out for years perhaps it would have a toxic effect but pretty much it was a one-off and after the amount of mess he left and how long it took me to clear it up it's still not cleared up because there's bits of polystyrene everywhere just little bits just they're just they're stuck to

everything and he's still got some stuck in his hair now and he's like he's walking around and it's sticking to him it's like magnets so i didn't reply to the message that was put on youtube it was like oh it was one isn't it it was one i'm not gonna let him do something that's harmful to him not if i know it's harmful but he was loving it he was having so much fun it just seemed a shame to stop it he found that's really the most fun i've seen him have in ages where he

was just completely engrossed in what he was doing and i've even got a bathtub in here with dirt in it for him to dig in and he doesn't so what i'm thinking i need to do something maybe make a hole and maybe you dig in the hole rather than make a hole i think he likes it when there's already a hole there yeah perhaps that's why he liked this polystyrene because you dig in something that's already kind of made he could dig further with the bathtub that i've got in the living room it's only like

a toddler's bathtub but it's full of dirt but it's even dirt so if i if i dig into it and make a big hole well not a big hole but a nice size hole perhaps then he might have a good old good old dig oh that's a good idea yeah oh by the way if you're listening in 2019 Andre was uh kind of like a double act Andre and Jason and Andre is the talented one he's the one that everyone loves he's the cute one he's so cute annoying is anything if you live with him

but he's cute and it's because he's cute he gets away with it because i'll be asleep and he'll climb on me and he'll start trying to wake me up he will start like uh climb onto my face he'll lick my lick my face and start licking my ears and start nibbling around my eyes he used to bite my lip but he doesn't do that anymore then he'll start like biting my fingers but just gently and he'll just push me like jump jump up and down on me a bit try and wake me up because he

wants to play or he wants me to just wants me to be awake for whatever reason and sometimes even that can be a little bit annoying it's like cute i've got someone that i don't know there's something probably something that people wouldn't expect from a ferret to be like that that's very much more like a dog or a cat isn't it to climb on the bed and sort of get your attention and to wake you up because he wants to go out or wants feeding well andre does that but his intention is i think just

to annoy me he just does it for the hell of it because i don't even i don't even close the doors anymore i just let him come and go do what he wants he sleeps on the bed and he runs off and he sleeps in his bed in here and he comes back and sleeps on my bed and a few days ago i woke up and he was cuddled up next to me but right quite close to my face sort of close to my chest and normally he sleeps at the bottom of the bed near

my feet and i woke up and he'd climbed on me he was just like cuddled up to me i was just oh so beautiful this special moment so i'm gonna go say thank you for listening hopefully i bored you to sleep and please remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye