#270 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (7th December 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com The website of everything that I do It's a flawed statement but it's the place to go This has let me bore you to sleep My name is Jason Newland, I might have said that already Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes And Andre's now awake Which is weird, I don't know why It just seems to, I don't know if it's me, my voice But suddenly he just comes to life sometimes When I start recording So, ah well, doesn't matter, this is his home, he can do what he wants The only way

to avoid this would be to sit in my shed And to close this door, and to close the bedroom door To close the shed door, to close all the windows in the bedroom And sit in the shed And that will avoid him But I haven't got soundproofing in the shed yet So it's, well that would be probably quieter It would mean that I'd just be staring at a wooden wall You know, wooden walls Because when I do these recordings I don't have my eyes closed When I do these sleep recordings, like sleep hypnosis Stuff like

that, I have my eyes closed generally So it doesn't matter where I am So I can sit in a little shed And hopefully, you know, it'll be quiet and it's good But when I'm making these recordings I've got a bit more activity probably occurring inside my shell-like Shell-like, my brain, my head, me egg, me old egg And, yeah So a few things I'm going to mention today Is, first of all I suppose the website is something to mention I just want to say I hope you're all okay I hope everyone's fine And As some of

you may know that my website went down for a few days And now I've got, it's up and running again It's a different design but it's still my website And jasonnewland. com It's actually now on Google You know, it comes up on Google Before it didn't, because I had it with GoDaddy And they wanted £120 or whatever In order to buy an SSLC Certificate for the domain or blah blah blah But I'm using Shopify and it's all built in So as soon as I basically, well It's not the first on the list of my name It's the third, I think Facebook and possibly Twitter are above it But at least it's there now So if you put, even if you forget my website If you just put

my name in to Google And my website will come up And I've been working on it a bit But as per usual Wow I get a little bit caught up in it all But it's okay The main thing is I I had a few people Lately On Facebook contact me telling me that the The Spotify, some of the Spotify podcasts are not working And I think I mentioned this the other day Part of the reason would be Because Spotify download all of the recordings of a podcast And then some podcasts are deleted And then restarted

them all with another podcast host So what I've done Is on my website I've got A page I think it's called My Podcasts You click on there It lists all the different podcast hosts that maybe you like to use So if you use Stitcher, if you like If you use Spotify, Apple Podcasts Castbox You name it, you know, it's whatever There's quite a few there And I spent the last few hours doing that I've only put the top six websites, the top six podcasts on there They're the most popular I will include the others as

well at a later stage But I thought I'd just put the popular ones on first But it's all done It's basically I don't know how many different podcast hosts there are So I've also In the menu On the page, I've also got Spotify In the menu, so the navigation menu So you can click on Spotify, you can click on Spreaker And again, that brings up Those pages Like a shortcut, you know Because some people only listen on Spotify Which is fair enough Because I didn't realise Ah, I didn't A friend on Facebook told me yesterday

That she She was having problems with the Spotify It wasn't working It turned out it was her phone However What she told me is I didn't realise that Spotify has a way The app where you can Have it turn itself off After a certain amount of time Which is really good, isn't it?

So I've used Spotify But I've only listened Like to music And at the moment I've been using Amazon Music Unlimited Because I think you can get the same thing with Spotify really I think they're very similar Spotify was first, wasn't it? Andre I'm going to see if Andre wants to Give me a little cuddle It's really weird He runs away from me like I'm going to Do something to him, you know All I've ever done is been nice to him Yet I've got to pick him up sometimes And he runs like I'm about to Tie him up and feed him to a tiger or something Why would I do that?

I don't know any tigers What are you looking at? It's really weird When I look at his eyes His face reminds me a little bit Of my landlady's face When I first, back in 1991 She had the same kind of eyes as him And that's not an insult to her Because you've got beautiful eyes So it's definitely not an insult I suppose I suppose If you said, oh my darling I just love your eyes What do you like about my eyes? What do you love about my eyes? You look like a ferret You You have ferret eyes Isn't it weird Even after four years and three months This little boy is still The love of my life Aren't you?

Bloody annoying I love you so much Yes I do Yes I do He's looking at me like What are you making those stupid sounds for?

I'm not sure if he's more I think it's the facial expressions as well Plus his yawning He gets bored, honestly I think that's when I realised I think if you can bore a ferret Something that's like Especially when he's a baby Because they're hyper Hyperactive If you can talk to a hyperactive ferret And have it yawn and get bored Then you can bore anyone That's why For years For years and years and years Since 2006 I've been making audios and videos Online I actually thought that people Fall asleep because of my Great hypnotic talent When

It might just be because I'm boring And It kind of doesn't matter What I talk about Which is Hmm I don't know It's funny but it's not At the same time But you know what I do believe And I know it's not my own Words Something other people have said But I really do believe that Everybody Has a superpower Everybody has An ability Like Something that they can do A talent And You know I've always known I'm never going to be The strongest person I'm not physically I'm physically okay I'm average strength You know I'm

never going to I was never going to be the fastest runner Although I used to be a fast runner When I was a kid But not That was just when people were chasing me But in competitive stuff I just couldn't I couldn't be bothered So okay so We're at school And someone's running There's like six of us running So for me to get to that line before you What do I win?

Nothing What's the point then? Before everyone else Will I suddenly be two inches taller? No?

Well I don't want it then Oh man I tell you I've got so much So much to tell you You know they say Some celebrities I'm not comparing myself To celebrity status obviously But some celebrities say Don't Google yourself Because you're just going to see Stuff you don't want to see Well I was Googling my podcasts In order to put it all together On the website So I needed to go into each podcast On Spotify TuneIn Podchaser Loads of pod Yeah lots of different podcasts And I got to see Some comments that people had posted

That I hadn't seen before Some of which Were a bit distressing If I'm honest I think Castbox Was the biggest one It is possible I could have been trolled But it didn't Because it was sort of similar stuff But A lot Or too many I suppose I'm exaggerating By saying a lot But too many for my liking Complaining about The The adverts On the podcast And some people saying I fell asleep and suddenly There's an advert Well The adverts were only at the beginning Of the podcast They weren't in the middle They weren't at the

end Unless there was a fault With the podcast I don't know but There were Numerous complaints On these comments And I'm thinking Some people were saying I really like it If it wasn't for the adverts Some people posted stuff like that And it seems that People are more likely to complain Than to say something nice Which is a shame So what I did is I took that on board And I deleted Cancelled them all Took them off So that Spreaker Will no longer play adverts On any of my podcasts Including Spotify Anywhere There will be

no adverts From now on Which is a shame Because I was trying to Raise enough money To cover the costs Of the free service Which it wasn't I'm not sure what I'm going to do now Because it's what is it A hundred and I think I'm paying $77 For the podcast Spreaker To house all my podcasts $30 For Shopify Another £30 For the internet You could technically The internet I need it But would I not have it If I wasn't doing this The answer is probably no To be fair but I wouldn't have to have

The expensive internet I could get it a lot cheaper If I was just using it Just for watching telly and stuff So it's What's that $78 It's a hundred and Let's say just the podcast And the The Shopify So it's over about $110 Or whatever a month So it's I'm just going to keep doing it And I'm you know I'm not going to get that And let that get in the way I'm just going to need to be A little bit careful Over the next year But you know I'm on here to help I don't

want to Get stuck And I know that it is A different Volume compared to Because I'm so softly spoken Even in these recordings It's still It's not just like normal talking It's very It's on the verge of whispering really It's quiet very Softly gentle kind of talking And So that's what I did One of the comments Was on a Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis Podcast It might have been on Castbox as well I think people in Castbox Perhaps don't like me Which is a shame Because I love them But I also I also did find some

nice Comments as well that I hadn't seen So that was nice But there's not many comments So if you do like what I do Well if you don't Why are you listening So if you do And you're listening on Your favourite podcast host Whatever it is Spotify or Whatever it is Maybe I don't know if you're able to To maybe leave a comment Say hi That would be groovy And what else Yeah someone posted On the Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis They posted Something about Will you stop Let me see if I can get the right

words Will you stop talking about how buff you are First of all With a Deep Sleep Whisper I don't do much chatting It is more focusing on The Relaxation And sleepy stuff I might tell the odd little silly Say the odd silly thing But any time If I talk about being More muscular And having a six pack And being really strong and tough And being seven foot tall With blonde hair I'm just joking about I mean I mean go onto my videos You can see what I look like You know I'm a middle aged man

Usually got a beard To be fair My body's alright Just a bit of a belly But you know Generally I'm okay Ish I could do with losing some weight Or distributing it If I could If I could move it from my belly to my willy I'd be happy Anyway So I could I'm just messing about When I say stuff like You know Amazing body I thought that was kind of clear It was just It's weird I don't know Some people take things seriously And I suppose Some people are kind of serious But even the stuff

When the topic is Kind of serious I still don't want to be taken seriously You know Just I'm trying I want it to be light hearted And gentle And You know humorous And whatever I don't, I'm not If that makes sense Which I know That's why a lot of people listen to this Because it is just gentle And it's just Mucking around At the same time it's boring Just me chatting There's repetition There's I'm talking about stuff That's of no interest Most of the time Not even to me but You know And boring doesn't necessarily

Be A A negative thing You know I think boring is a good thing Being bored is Why would you want to be anything but bored When you're going to sleep You know Isn't that kind of the point And I know that Some of you listening to this Are listening to Just For yourself And your mind to wind down And you're listening to me And it's kind of We're part of a Kind of part of a group The The hundreds of people I don't know how many people Two Two, four, six It's hard to work out

There's probably at least Six hundred plus People A day at the moment Listen To these recordings You know around that Maybe more I don't know about six hundred Over the various different podcasts Maybe more But It's You know it's growing You're part of a Part of something Or we're part of something And even if it is just Tedium Just pointless chatter If it's useful It's useful And that's why I'm doing it When it's You know If I get to the point And I'm getting No listens Then I'll stop doing it You know I'm not going

to There's podcasts I've got That are really good That no one listens to So I'll stop doing them I say they're really good Well the reason I say that Is because I like them And I thought that the content Was really good quality Lots of ideas and stuff And Hypnotic Buffet is the one And I mention it I've mentioned it before But no one listens to it So it's on there It's available On Spreeco You know everywhere But I'm not going to make recordings That no one's going to listen to Because that is just Pointless

It's pointless for everyone So that's how I gauge Whether or not to continue with something That's why I do these That's why I do the Deep Sleep Whisper ones They're more popular than this This podcast The Brain Hypnosis for Stress, Anxiety, Panic Attacks Again a popular podcast And Sleep Hypnosis Weekly Another one that's fairly popular So they're I've got six popular podcasts Three are over 100,000 downloads each Someone's going to post a comment on there Why do you keep going on about your stats?

Why do you keep showing off? Keep showing off Keep talking about the 100,000 podcasts Well Because to me It's kind of an accomplishment To me A personal accomplishment Because I have reached Hundreds of thousands before I've had well over a million plus Downloads of previous podcasts Combined But never with You know in the last Since the 21st of November Last year, 2018 And it's now the 7th of December I've had What have I had? I don't know That's weird isn't it?

I think I've had 680,000 Downloads I feel like I want to check that now I wonder if I have I'm going to make a little bit of noise here So please bear with me I'm not going to be making farm animal noises Nothing like that Just a general A general creaking noise As I move my laptop around To just get an idea Let's have a look Oh no I did exaggerate I love to exaggerate What did I say? 680? No, it's 590,448 Downloads 21,214 total plays And Today, so far It's 5.

40 in the morning I've had 355 downloads Yesterday I had 1,605 The day before that, 1,712 downloads The day before, oh it's just going down and down But I had two days in a row where I had over 2,000 That's alright It kind of depends on how many I produce If I make If I only make one recording Then I'm usually just below the 2,000 download mark Let me bore you Oh, let me bore your pain away I wonder if it looks like I've got a few Oh, one download Six downloads on the 27th See,

I'd make more of those But I did one on the 14th of November 17 downloads And The one before that was the 21st of November 85 downloads It's There's no point, is there?

I'm not going to What's the point in making Spending time doing that?

So, so far On this podcast to let me bore you to sleep You won't get this information anywhere else This is just priceless information And this is your contribution, you know Here's 79,501 total downloads With 5,512 total plays 269 episodes This will be 270 Yesterday I had 233 downloads 20 plays So, yeah I mean, I can have a look I'll give you an idea Mind you, I might regret it Because I might think, oh no No, no, no, no, no, no, no November November, oh, no Uh-uh, uh-uh Okay, let's have a look So it goes

through periods Goes through periods So Last month, November, I had So far this month, I've got 1,352 downloads But that's just for six days So, last month, November 5,405 downloads and 257 plays October, 5,309 downloads 256 plays September, 6,235 downloads 258 July was a lot busier 8,282 downloads 129 plays Now, that is just That is just on this podcast alone There's two other podcasts There's three other podcasts, actually Where this podcast is housed as well Which is the Um Sleep Insomnia Hypnosis Podcast The Fall Asleep With Hypnosis Podcast, I think And the Jason Newlands Free

Hypnosis Podcast So it's on four different podcasts There's this one, the main one And then it's on the others So it's Yeah, probably about 600 plus downloads a day Which is how many, how much is that a week?

A month, rather 600 I go by 30 days, but I know a week is 28 A month is 28 days, isn't it, really? But if we were to go by 30 days, it's for the hell of it 30 600 times by 10 Is 6,000 Times that by 12 No, times by 600 600 times by 10 Is 6,000 Times that by 2 Is 12,000 Plus 6 18,000 So Probably, yeah, probably looking 18 to 20,000 downloads a month For this These Let Me Boil Asleep recordings Which ain't too bad, is it? I think it's alright It's alright Let's have a drink there So, if nothing else, it wasted five minutes, so that was good And What was I gonna say?

Yeah, so I've changed the website To make it easier for people To find stuff Which is kind of part of the website's job, really, isn't it?

I don't have every single recording on there at the moment But I've got the The main podcasts on there The ones that are popular, so they're on there And you can You can actually stream it Or you can download it for free So, you know, it's up to you It's there anyway, so it's And you can contact me if you need to If you want to sell on, send Andre a present And the address is on the contact Or if you wanted to send me a Christmas present Or a Christmas card or something like that

I do have a Christmas card already Which is brilliant Cool So Polly sent me that So that was cool So that's already standing up on I had to look right behind me Because it's on top of the bookshelf So that's I like Christmas cards And presents, nice The thing is, as I get older And it's probably the same for everybody, maybe No one seems to want to Buy cards or presents anymore For me For me It's Even, sort of, my brother said Oh, would you Are you going to get About getting my niece a present

for Christmas If I wasn't going to, it's fine But if I was, then They'd get me a present from her So basically I'm not getting a present from them But then it's expensive, isn't it, having kids It's just Having a daughter or a son or whatever Suddenly All Christmas And birthdays and stuff like that I don't know if people celebrate Easter anymore I don't know But Yeah, I've kind of cancelled Christmas now From a buying presents perspective Perspective Perspective Per Perpective And Because it's just I feel I'd rather spend the money on bills Just, you

know, pay bills and pay stuff off And have some food and stuff That seems to be a better A better use of My money, so When I'm rich I'll buy everyone lots of stuff But not until Well, not rich, but when I've got You know, maybe next year or something I'll be I'll have more money or something I don't know It ain't near But Christmas Christmas, Christmas So this month You've got the 12th of December Which is the election And then After the election What, 12 22 3, 24, 13 13 days 12, 13, 14, 15,

16 17, 18, 19, 20 21 22, 23 24, 25 13 So it's over three days And it'll be Christmas And it's like, ooh And then A week, and it's New Year's Eve Or New Year's Day, something like that It's like, ooh And then it's 2020 And people will be going, 2020 Nope, 2020 Don't mean 2020, no 2020 2020, no 2020 I will not back down from that It's all part of being Middle-aged, I think You know, some people say I feel the same I did when I was 16 I don't I don't feel the same

at all Not one bit I physically don't feel the same And I don't mentally feel the same I had zero confidence in myself Zero confidence in my own thoughts Or my own opinions Or my own, you know, ability to Just When I was little When I was young, even Early 20s I used to find that people Older Seemed to be attracted to me Like friends-wise And I don't want them to talk down to me, you know Almost as if I didn't know anything And I suppose in their own way Perhaps they were trying to help

You know, guide me and stuff Because I definitely did need some guidance But For a long time I didn't feel that I actually That my That my words Meant anything Until I realised That my words mean as much as anybody else's And so do all of ours There's something about older people When I was younger, this is I found that older people And by older I mean like maybe 10 years older than me People in their 30s and 40s When I was like in my 20s and 30s Like were trying to sort of I don't

know, almost Disregard what I was saying And I wonder if I do that Maybe I do Maybe I do Yeah I do find younger people funny But And I don't have much contact with The younger generation these days I used to when I was working So I'd be working in a call centre And I'd be working with people of all ages People older, mostly younger Because I was in call centres and They're just younger Younger people do that job generally Because it's kind of a very short-lived job It's something that you It's great I reckon

working in a call centre Like it's a In telesales Especially if you get a bonus Which I always did I've never worked without a bonus I'm not saying I'm not going on about how great I was How buff I was I just A lot of sales jobs generally have a bonus with it Part of the package, you know Do you have to meet A certain degree of Sales So I imagine for some of the people That worked there They were maybe Late teens, early twenties Still living at home With their parents And they were earning

To them probably really good money But To me it wasn't Because When I worked at my last Job I did It was back in Selling car insurance On the phone Answering the phone Going through that process Giving quotations And selling it And The bonus was small You know It wasn't a great bonus There was I think the basic was Thirteen thousand Which wouldn't be allowed now Because there's a minimum wage So The minimum wage would be about fifteen thousand But at the time it was thirteen thousand That was a salary And plus a bonus And

the way they worked the bonus out I was never going to double my money Which I always did with the other Sales jobs So I was never going to earn twenty six Thousand A year I just It was multiple things First I was pretty I couldn't sell enough to do that And the bonus wasn't good enough And they just It wasn't It wasn't very well structured And So I ended up Sometimes I'd take four hundred Maybe five hundred a month Bonus So it was an extra Five or six grand a year I suppose But that's

still Maybe it was twenty You know twenty thousand a year Nineteen, twenty With the bonus But still I had a lot off of the Twenty sixth I should have got So My supervisor Who's a really, really nice person But he's very Kind of trying to motivate everyone And I found I couldn't get excited over A bonus that was less You know this is back in two thousand And What year was this I started in December two thousand twelve So let's say two thousand thirteen So two thousand thirteen I was earning less Doing exactly the same

job As I was in two thousand one So it's kind of I try to put that across I know you're getting excited about bonuses And stuff but It's not a lot Give me a thousand pound bonus And I might I might do a little tap dance For you on the desk Or Eat a banana all in one go You know do something to To Make you smile But I just It was like You know Which is ironic Because now Earning nineteen thousand a year I feel like a millionaire It's not ironic Don't you think It's

like Ooooo Winnie Binnie Do Do do do do do Winnie Winnie Do do do do do Do do do do do Do do do do do do And That was What's her name Was she Canadian Wasn't she Erm Not Cyndi Lauper Err Not Mary Monroe Erm Oh Mary Not Mary Poppins What was her name Alice Alizani Mariette Yeah Alizani Mariette I used to like that I liked that album It was err Yeah I think she was Yeah Had some issues When she was making that Do do do do Mmm Oh I didn't tell you about

the chair did I Here we go So I got this chair And it was broken Got it delivered Waited for Well Seemed like ages It wasn't really Erm It'd be a long time If you had a splinter in your bum And you were waiting for it to get removed in the hospital You know Because it was a long time But other than that It's It was I got it delivered anyway It came And It's I took all the plastic stuff off And all the The wrapping Didn't come in a box like the other one The

The Big black squeaky chair That I'm actually resting my feet on right now It's proper worn out It really is Anyway It looked fine I even sat in it And it It felt fine Smaller than the one I got But you know I reclined it And it seemed fine So I got rid of I came I got up Got rid of the packaging Ripped it all up And everything And I sat down again Again in it And I realised that the back of the chair was Just Basically Flat It wasn't coming back And I thought

Maybe it needs to be tightened Or something I don't know So I couldn't figure out what was going on Because it looked Absolutely fine But when I tipped it over And I hit it with a hammer a few times I realised it was broke And I didn't hit it with a hammer But I turned it over And the The wood Where the hinges Which was connected to the back of it Was split on both sides Completely broken on one And split on the other So I phoned up And I tried to get through to them

on that day And I couldn't So I phoned them up the next day And The It was a A kerfuffle Because I'd already sent a A message to them via the website And they said that I was gonna You know I'd said that I'd lost the packaging Because I'd got rid of it And there was no packaging And I didn't want a replacement Because I was unhappy with the service And also said that the delivery people Were really nice and friendly And just, you know, just basically It's clearly been damaged in the warehouse Or something

I don't know And can you come and get it And they sent me a text message Saying You need to arrange a time for you to come and collect it Okay And that was it So I phoned them up The catalogue The online catalogue And I spoke to someone They said, you know, it's got We're very busy But we really love you We love you so much But we can't get through right now But can you please hold Because we love you We just want to hug you And kiss you forever and ever and ever

Because you buy stuff with us And you get into debt It's brilliant So please Please Because we'd like to live off Like leeches live off your debt And all the money you owe So please That's a leech Sucking And so That's the message And I said, oh okay I should do impressions, shouldn't I?

I can do a That was another leech But His name was Bob So I got through to this lady And I have to be careful how I say this Because it can sound Wrong So I'm going to word it in a nice way Well, not a nice way I couldn't understand what she was saying Now I have many years of listening to people With all accents On the phone That's one skill that I do have I've learnt it For many Going back 20 odd years I've been listening to people on the phone And people from

all over the country And you get to kind of Tune in to the accent Whether it's an English accent Whether it's Scottish, Welsh Whether it's From another country Or whether it's Someone from this country But with a A broken English accent Someone that's English isn't their first language Whatever, however you want to describe it Also people with speech impediments You know I've I've heard everything Possibly you could hear really I'd say Over the years Thousands and thousands of phone calls And I could usually tune in Usually Usually But I could not I was talking to

this lady And I had to ask her to repeat herself Because She just It was She was practically Incomprehensible The way she was talking And I just I just couldn't believe it I was kind of a little bit Well, if it's a foreign call centre Then They need to get people that can speak English Clearly Because it's a phone call It's as simple as that It's got nothing to do with Culture or race It's to do with You need to be able to speak clearly on the phone It doesn't matter Where you're from That's what

you've got to do So if you're speaking To somebody In German Let's say if you're doing a call centre for Germany If I'm doing that I need to be able to speak German In a way for the German people to understand me There's no point speaking it And them not being able to understand what I'm saying Because it's a telephone conversation You can't You haven't got the visual You haven't got the You can't do the hand movements Or The facial expressions And you can't write something down Or draw a little picture For them to see

You know, that kind of stuff So It's very And if it was Based in England Why would they employ someone on the phone Who Can't Speak English clearly That's the one job you can't do You know, you could pretty much do So many different jobs Without being able to speak English clearly But a telephone job Where you're speaking on the phone With somebody All day long You need to be able to speak the language Clearly It's not even the language You need to be able to speak clearly And I've worked with people in call centres

And I sort of I used to say sometimes to my supervisors When this person was in a job interview Did you actually Did you have earbuds in or something My supervisor said What do you mean Did you not hear his voice During the interview While you were talking to him Yeah Why did you give him a job On the phone Why You could have given him a job doing something different Talking on the phone When I'm not going to do an impression But some people just They're not supposed to work on phones Just like some

people Are not supposed to be electricians They just You need to be able to speak clearly Clearly And I've had people from all over the place Different parts of the country On call centres that Don't speak clearly It's like come on man You're not in the pub now You know you're dealing with people from everywhere You need to speak clearly And that's the one thing I was able to do But that's the one thing everybody should be able to do I'm just moving my phone now So I had one job And In a call centre

And the first thing they did Before even interviewing me Is They phoned me up So I sent the CV in And they said They spoke to me I don't know The HR department Phoned and said When are you available Because we're going to get One of the team leaders Who's going to give you a call I said okay And They phoned up Because they wanted to hear What I sounded like on the phone But if I sounded like that Then maybe I wasn't really Suitable for For phone calls You know it's just It's a certain

You need It's just that was it I suppose also to see if I Sounded confident Nah nah nah nah All that But just I didn't have to like read out words Or like the alphabet A B C D And ended up saying Z at the end of course Not C Because Z is the correct way And And then Did you know that Father Christmas Some people call him Santa But it's Father Christmas And Is Used to be Have a green costume So Santa used to have a green costume But got changed to red Because of

Coca-Cola Because apparently he was drinking Coca-Cola And he spilled it all over himself And back then Coke was red And it stained his top And they saw Oh that's nice Bit sticky But that's nice And So I'm talking to this lady on the phone And I'm just having to ask her to repeat Everything that she says To me And it's And we really weren't communicating Very well And she eventually puts me through to someone else And to deal with the return And I've got no idea if this person Was from the same office In the

same country I've got no idea where There's no way of knowing But she was brilliant Clear And just The communication was fine And it wasn't fine because I didn't get what I wanted but They said they didn't offer that service And I said I wanted to get I want a thing out of my flat I don't want it in my flat no more It's in the way It's a big lump And it's in the way And The only big lump that gets to stay here is me I'm the only big lump That chair is just

in the way And they said This lady she said to me And I said just to remind you There's no wrapping on the thing She said oh they won't take it The delivery people won't take it if it's not wrapped I said what?

She said yeah yeah they won't take it I said well I've got nothing to wrap it in Because I've chucked all the stuff away And she said well Can you put carrier bags on it Or some cellotape So I said oh I've got some carrier bags And some cellotape I'll do that And she said okay So I spent about an hour Putting cellotape carrier bags Onto this chair Which became a target for Andre He just wanted to rip the carrier bags off That was like his new It's almost like I'd bought the chair And put

the carrier bags on As like a new game for him to play He's had a few days pleasure out of that And today I've got some I'll put some bubble wrap Not bubble wrap She said oh if you put some bubble wrap round it Who the hell has bubble wrap?

I don't have bubble wrap Why would I have bubble wrap? What the size of a big recliner chair? No And she said well it's just an idea I said sometimes you really wind me up She said sorry about that I said it's okay I just had to get it off my chest She said what's that? I said well my bra of course She said oh okay Yeah I'm a bit restrictive aren't I? I said yeah I know The worst thing about it is If I take it off too quickly It rips my hairs off my chest La la la we laughed And I basically got some Some wrap What is it?

Cling film Thought about doing it with tin foil But that didn't seem to be Didn't seem right So I got some cling film And I've wrapped The back headrest up I'm going to get some more cling film next week And wrap some more of it up And I come and collect it next week So ahh And I got an email Saying How would you rate your experience Today And I just ignored that It was like ahh Really? Really? What other one did I deal with And they asked me to rate my experience I can't remember Yeah What else did I deal with?

I should have dealt with someone So I had the chair delivered And Did I get What else did I get? I did have a delivery of any food this week I got 72 pence in the bank So that's good So I'm up on last week So I'm doing well 72 pence And I'm sure something happened Maybe not Oh yeah just all the hospital Not the The doctor stuff But I talked about that before A couple of days ago So yeah Basically I've got this chair And now I went to take Andre for a walk earlier Could I find him?

No Everywhere I looked He wasn't there Well clearly I was Well not everywhere Because I did find him eventually But for the sake of the story He wasn't in the places that I was looking And I thought where the heck is he? Because now that I've moved chairs around He started doing stuff different Moving things around And I found him He's underneath the chair The new chair That's his new place So you know what I'm a bit worried because I don't know what he's doing when I'm in bed He might have ripped a hole in the bottom of it by now And it's not Not really my fault is it?

Because They've left it here For 10 days I've got a little ferret running around He's going to do whatever the hell he wants to do What am I supposed to do? Keep him locked up for 10 days?

No So Anyway I found him He's underneath the chair But Somehow By lifting the chair up I went to put it down And he started squeaking like Like that So I picked it all the way up In order to get to him And make sure he's okay And all the stuff on the chair Fell into his bowl He's got this big bowl full of water It's a big Blue plastic thing So all his stuff just fell into the water Electrical equipment Some of it I was just Never been so angry So yeah But that's really

it for today I'm watching the boxing later today So I'm looking forward to that It's on early It's on at 5 It starts at 5 The main fight's on at 9-ish And we're going to have It's in Dubai So it's a different kind of time zone to normal And if it's in the UK Normally the The event starts about 7 Or if it's in America It'll start about 2 In the morning To start at 5 in the afternoon That's quite cool I quite like that It actually is a good time for me Because I'm usually

I'm usually up by about 3 And Yeah I'm looking forward to it It'll be nice I've invited my friend To come and watch it with me If he wants But other than that I'll just watch it I don't need I don't Yeah, it's going to be good Oh, I got an itchy eye Ooh That was nice But Yeah, that's it I can't think of anything else really I think I've covered most of the things That was to be covered Yeah It's mainly done Mainly done Yeah Yeah So, thank you for listening I will speak to

you very soon Probably tomorrow And Please remember To be kind to yourself Because You do deserve To be happy You really do And I was thinking about this, you know We can make a difference to other people's lives Without even knowing it And The amount of times that we've helped others Possibly improved their life Helped other people To make a decision that Maybe transformed their life In a positive way We'll never know about it We'll never find out about it So we do deserve to be happy You deserve to be happy And Do something nice

for yourself today That's my suggestion Do something nice Something that you enjoy doing Something that feels really good Right, I'm gonna go Take care of yourselves Lots of love Bye