#267 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (4th December 2019)

Hello and welcome to let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

I hope you're well and if you'd like to support this free service then please go to paypal.me forward slash Jason Newland. Now, I had my chair delivered. I did.

I had my brand new recliner chair delivered. Delivered, delivered, delivered. So the two men delivering it actually brought it into the flat for me which was nice of them and then they left.

I unpacked it. So it wasn't in a box like the recliner that I bought or the one that I'm sitting in now actually, the squeaky one. That was in a big box.

This wasn't. This was in a bit of cardboard and also some like plastic wrapping. So it took me a little while to unwrap the thing and then I moved the old chair out of the way and put the new one where I wanted it to be.

It looked fine. I sat in it. I didn't sit back but just sat in it and yeah it seemed fine.

So I just thought okay. So I started to get rid of all the packaging because it's a lot of packaging just so I got rid of it all. Destroyed it all you know.

Got rid of it all. Ripped it all up and stuff and then as a little treat I thought you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to sit in my new chair which is what I did.

I sat down. It's a little smaller than this one. Wide you know um wide-wise so um it's a little bit more and length-wise as well actually I'd say.

But it seemed more comfortable. More padded for my big bum and I thought oh I'm now going to pull the little lever on the side and push back. We'll see what happens.

So I pushed, pulled the lever, the lever on the right hand side and the what's it at the front of the chair. I don't know what you would call it. The landing strip.

I don't know. Still got a bit of a cough. Anyway it came up and the back went back a little bit and I kind of just leaned on the back and it went back further and further and further.

So I thought oh that's a bit far. A bit far back. So I pushed down on the the landing strip thing at the front in order to turn it back into a normal chair which it did but the back was still flat and I couldn't understand it.

So I pushed the the back up and I sat in it normally just to see you know if the back would stay up and it didn't. The fact the back just kept going down. I was like what's going on and I couldn't figure it out.

It looked fine. I couldn't see anything wrong with it. I looked at it.

I couldn't see any reason why it would be doing that and I thought maybe it's loose. Got a loose bracket or something because it came in all in one piece. Like this one the original one had was in two pieces.

The back rest came separate. It got delivered at the same time but it came you know so that I just had to attach it which was easy enough to do. Just took a bit of screwing and it was done.

Well anyway here we go. I think what's going on? So I thought I know what I'll do. I'll just tip it over and have a look.

Maybe it needs tightening up the brackets or whatever. Maybe it's just become loose or maybe it's but you know it comes like that. So I turned it on its side on its front and there's a flap.

A flappy bit at the back which is also on this chair. Well not the same flap but a different flap that's on the new chair and I open it up trying to see the bracket or the connection you know between where the back rest goes in. I didn't see that but what I did see was wood all split at the back of the chair.

Really badly split on the right side and also split on the left side as well. So basically the back rest support was broken on both sides. So I could not believe it.

Could not believe it at all. Very surprised. Not particularly entertained by that.

So I wasn't sure if there's something that could be done. You know was there a way of fixing it or you know. So I called my friend to have a look at it and he said no it's broken.

You know he needs to send it back. So I phoned him up. I phoned up the catalogue.

I gave you a big list of places you know numbers. Press one for this. Press two for that.

Press four for this. Press nine if you want to shake your foot for no reason. You know just random numbers and they didn't have one.

They had one for returns but I thought they'd have one for like damage or complaints. That's what I wanted to do because I've never returned anything before like that. Although there was once where I had a laptop from Amazon and it broke after a couple of days and I sent it back and they were really good.

They came and got another one. They gave me another one. They replaced it really quickly.

So that was really cool. But I don't know what this is going to be like because it took about a week to get it delivered this chair. So I filled in a form online and I said excuse me but however blah blah blah.

I said the chair was delivered today. The chair that was delivered today ain't working. The chair that was delivered today that ain't working needs picking up and taking away because it's damaged.

And I also put in there that I do not want a replacement because I'm not happy with the service. I don't want to. I don't know.

I don't like that. It costs £258 and it was on special offer. And you know I don't have to pay it off.

I'll pay it off over the next year or so but I do end up paying interest on that. But I actually put extra money into the account in order to pay for this thing. I put an extra £50 odd pound in and I thought oh you know.

So I'm just waiting to hear from them. And I put down I ain't got no packaging because when I got it it looked fine from the outside and I got rid of the packaging. I was not aware that I needed to look internally into the internals of the chair.

I assumed that it would work. Plus it's not like they gave me a box. I wouldn't know how to pack it back the way they had it packed.

It was just bits of cardboard stuck together and then bits of other fabric. I wouldn't know how to you know. So they're just going to have to take it the way it is.

And hence the reason I'm back here sitting in my chair. The old squeaky chair and it looks like this is going to be the chair I'm going to stay in for a while. And it's okay.

It's squeaky but you know it's all right actually. It's yeah it's all right. I just have to make do with it.

I don't want to go through this again. Waiting for ages. Waiting in all day.

I waited all day today and then they were about an hour late getting here. Well no half hour. I don't know.

But they were late. But they said they were going to deliver between seven and six or something. I don't know.

I think so. But the people delivering it were lovely. Very friendly and were helpful and everything.

But I guess for mice the chair got damaged in the warehouse or something. Because you wouldn't have known it. Because it was internal.

It was like an internal injury kind of thing. I would not know by looking at it that it had anything wrong with it. And so yeah.

So hopefully I've got to wait in for someone to come and pick it up. So I don't know when they're going to come or who's going to come. So I'm probably going to give them a phone call tomorrow and just explain the situation.

Excuse me. Coughing all the time. But that's it.

That's the story of that. Which brings me on to this. I've been wanting to do this for a while.

And I got this book. And well come on. There it is.

The Language of London. Cockney Rhyming Slang by Daniel Smith. So I'm going to dip into it.

And I thought it might have some stuff in there that I could read out to you. But okay here we go. So those that don't know.

There's a thing in London. Or there used to be a thing in London. It's not like that anymore really.

But some people try and keep it alive. But it's a dead language really. It used to be like rhyming slang.

Like pork pies, eyes, boat race, face. So it's no real logic to it. And the rhyming slang is longer than the actual word it's representing.

So that never really made sense to me. But so here's the first one. Rabbit and pork.

Talk. So that's that's one. What's the next one? Baker's dozen.

Cousin. So I went to my baker's dozen's wedding the other day. So that that kind of doesn't really make sense.

But there you go. But again this one. Basin of gravy.

Baby. I've never ever heard of that one before. The next one.

Bottle of porter. Daughter. It's silly.

It's kind of ridiculous really. Cow and kisses. Mrs. As in the wife.

See if you can guess what the next one is going to be. Current bun. Son.

Yep. Son. Current bun.

Son. See if you can guess the next one. God forbid.

Kid. God forbid. Kid.

Never heard of that one before. So god lover. Mother.

Here's another one. Jack Sprat. Brat.

Apparently this is a reference to the subject of the English nursery rhyme. You followed a non-fat diet and had a plump wife. Don't remember that.

Jam tart. Sweetheart. I wonder where that word tart came from.

They just cut it down from jam tart to tart. And that's kind of a derogatory. Calling a woman a tart.

But a jam tart. Sweetheart. Here's another one I've never heard used.

Light of my life. Wife. Another version of that would be trouble and strife.

Wife. We're going back to family members again. Manhole cover.

Brother. Mother of pearl. Old girl.

Mother's pride. Bride. See this I've never heard either.

Old pot and pan. Old man. Pal mal.

Gal. Pride and joy. Boy.

Wow. Oh is he the opposite to boy? Ribbon and curl. Girl.

I'm still staying with family and this is a weird one. Skin and blister. Sister.

And then there's another family member. Soap and lather. Father.

Another one for family member. Soap and water. Daughter.

Wow. So these are some of the more classic ones I think. China plates.

Mates. Brussels sprout. Boy scout.

Now I know this one. Bubble bath. Laugh.

See people don't say it now. They say you're having a bubble. So you're having a laugh.

You're having a bubble. They don't say the bubble. They don't say bath.

You're having a bubble bath. Laugh. That's the rhyming bit.

The bath bit. Now those that hold on to the these old style of talking would say you're having a bubble which doesn't make sense because it doesn't rhyme. I'm having what trouble? Apple crumble? I don't know what.

There you go. So what other ones? I've not seen this before. Bushel of coke.

Bloke. Bushy park. Lark.

Harbour light. Right. I'll use those in all right.

Harbour light. Yeah. Lemon squeezer.

Geezer. He's a proper lemon squeezer he is. Mile end friend.

Blimey. So I know this one. On your Jack Jones.

On your own. That's just way longer than the actual word itself. It doesn't make sense.

There's no logic to this. Queen's park ranger. Stranger.

Savaloy. Boy. I used to have a friend who used to shout out.

Oi oi Savaloy. Never did know why. I was a bit too scared to ask in this.

Well in case you told me.Me.Me me me me.

Let's have a look at what other ones. Gates of Rome. Home.

I can't wait to get back to the cat and mouse house. Oh my knees get tired when I go up the apples and pears. Stairs.

I spent most of my adult life being an artful dodger. Lodger. So I like to.

I like to have Bob Hope. Yeah I like to rub my bum with Bob Hope. Soap.

I like to clean with the bride and groom. Sometimes I like to lay naked on Cain and Abel. Table.

Oh dear. This is one that's just. This is based on a footballer that played football in the 1880s.

Charlie Mason. Basin. Never heard that one before.

So this one's very popular. Well it's very well known and again it's quite often shortened. So you know contact me on the dog and bone.

Telephone. Now it's more likely contact me on the dog. Although I don't think.

Do people phone each other anymore? I'm not sure. When I was an artful dodger I used to have to weekly pay my Duke of Kent rent. When I was an artful dodger I used to sometimes lay in bed staring at the funny feeling.

Ceiling. And then I'd go and sit in the hat and scarf bath and I'd look down at the ceiling. And actually I did lock myself out because I lost my knobbly knee.

Key. And when I'm in the. So when I'm having a bath.

No and when I'm having a hot hat and scarf. Sometimes I lose the little brown jug plug. I remember being at school and always hearing the.

Every hour you'd hear the little bell. I like to keep all my cool stuff in the London Bridge fridge. This country used to produce a lot of the merry old soul.

Coal. A lot of the stuff that I microwave. I get out of the Mona Lisa.

Freezer. Again another Percy Thrower. Blower.

That's another name for a telephone. And he was a TV star in the. Blue Peter or something.

I don't know. I really need to clean the Richard Burton's curtains. I don't get this.

So I've had quite a few jobs as a semolina cleaner. And I used to have to clean quite a few shovel and brooms. Rooms.

When I lived in London. I quite like used to. Sit down in Trafalgar Square.

Chair. When I get tired I go to the Uncle Ned. Bed.

Well I lie down on Uncle Ned. And then I just like to lie down. And rest my head on the weeping willow.

Pillow. I only ever once received. As a gift.

For someone or anyone. April showers. Flowers.

Only happened once. I think. I went out on a date with a lady back in 2000.

And she bought me roses. They tasted lovely. No they're actually.

They were flowers. Lord Lovell. Shovel.

So a lot of these. Rhyming slang. Rhyming.

Yeah. It seems to be based on old books. Because it's all old stuff.

It's not. You know. Old iron and brass.

Grass. Uncles and aunts. Plants.

It's kind of. When you actually. When you actually look at it.

And you read it out. It seems almost ridiculous. So here's a tooting.

Means food. Lillian Gish Fish. People have not heard of.

I mean Bessie Braddock. Haddock. And that's based on a post-war Labour MP.

Oh this is cruel. It says. Based on a post-war Labour MP for Liverpool.

Whose waistline. Some cruelly noted. Suggested a penchant for a good fish supper.

Oh dear. Colonel Blimp. Shrimp.

Again this is based on some 1930s cartoon. Jack the Ripper. Kipper.

It's like. Yeah. Okay.

Going to the supermarket. Can you tell me where the Jack the Rippers are please. Jane Russell's.

Muscles. A tribute to the screen goddess that manages to link. The image of seashells and bra cups.

I don't see how a muscle looks anything like a bosom. Or a bra cup. But Jane Russell's.

Muscles. As in the fish. Well it's not fish is it.

They're like sea slugs really aren't they. Or sea. Um.

Not slugs. What are the slugs inside a shell. Is it a tortoise.

No it's not a tortoise. No it's actually a tortoise. Tortoise.

Tortoise doesn't exist. Tortoise. That's what it's called.

Oh it's a bit rude. I pronounce it tortoise. Yeah but you're wrong though aren't you.

No. Richard Todd Codd. Tommy Steele's eels.

So Tommy Steele was a huge star. In the 50s. Huge star.

See this doesn't make any sense. Okay the first bit. Hands and feet.

Meat. It rhymes but that's it. What's for dinner mum? Hands and feet.

And some veg. Something that we've heard of this one. Bags of mystery.

Sausages. How? What? Bags of mystery. It's kind of.

I think it's the idea is. What's in the sausage. It's a mystery.

Bubbly jock. Turkey. We're not having turkey for dinner this Christmas.

We're going to have Charlie Dicken. Chicken. Oh dear.

And maybe if we don't have enough to buy any food we'll have some bread and Dr. Crippin. Crippin. That's all my nan said.

All we ever had was drippin. Bread and drippin. Bread and drippin all the time.

And I thought oh that sounds horrible. Actually she used to give it to us for dinner. She was still eating it in the 90s.

And we used to try and go around. Try and catch her when she's already eaten. It'd be just be dripping everywhere all on the floor.

Slipping over in it. I don't know why I'm saying this. It's not true.

Duchess of York. Pork. Witch.

Isn't. Who's the Duke of York? Who was the Duchess of York? Was that Fergie? Which means a Dutch. The Duke of York is Prince Andrew.

Prince Andrew. The famous Prince Andrew. Itchy teeth.

Beef. Teeth. Beef.

No it's not teeth. It's teeth. Fuh fuh fuh.

Beef. Fuh fuh fuh. I don't know this one.

Kate and Sydney. Steak and kidney. No I think we used to say that.

I'm sure we used to say snake and kidney when we was kids. Well I'll probably just say it. I used to say it's like steak and kidney pie.

That's what we're having for dinner tonight. I'm gonna probably say you mean Kate and Sydney? My brother said no Peyton Tigny. And they'd look at me and I'd say I hate steak and kidney pie.

I like beef pie. I like chicken pie. I don't like steak and kidney pie.

I'm not prepared to do any puns. I'm not prepared to turn this into some kind of a comedy act between you know the family when we're having steak and kidney pie and I don't like it. You know I don't like it.

Yet you continue to torment me by serving up this drivel. This steak and kidney abomination onto my plate. And I used to get sent to my room after that without any dinner.

Which kind of wasn't really a punishment was it? Punishment would have been to sit and eat the dinner. That's it for your punishment. You've got to go upstairs where all your toys are and stay in your room where all the things that you enjoy playing with are.

Okay see ya. Trolley and tram. Ham.

Okay. Uncle Sam. Again that could have been ham couldn't it? But no it's lamb.

What we got with our lunch? We've got Uncle Sam. We've got Uncle Reg as well. Uncle Reg? Veg.

Okay. Well that that just smells Billy Cotton. Rotten.

See this? No. Mum can I have corns and bunions on my on my burger please? Corns and bunions? Onions. Mind you corns and bunions in the steak and kidney pie.

Not onions but actual corns and bunions would have made it taste better. Kings and queens beans. Kings and beans make me fart.

People complain about farting but let's face it if we didn't fart we would explode. Or at the very least float away. So this is corns and bunions onions.

Navigator. Potato. What else we got on our dinner plate today? Oh we got some polyparrots.

Carrots. Why didn't you just say carrots? Just say carrots. Why do you have to make these silly names up? Just say the word.

I mean is it that difficult? I don't know. But the main thing is you know you need to eat up your woolage and the greenage. What? Spinach.

Iggy what are you doing that again for? And you some mess. You some mes. You some mes.

Peas. What? So did you find the apples and rice? Did you find your dinner apples and rice? What? Nice. Anyone anyone for more army and navy? Army and navy? There's not enough chairs.

No gravy. You know I could really really do with a borrow and beg. What? An egg.

Oh dear. I don't want anything just I need just can I just please have a bowl a bowl of the hoop. Soup.

Soup. And maybe a bit of bread with some cough and splutter. Butter.

Cough and splutter. Butter. That almost gives a horrible visual image doesn't it? Like butter being someone coughing onto some bread and spluttering.

And they're like oh that looks like butter. That'll do. So Duke of York.

Fork. There was a Duke of York. He had 10,000 men but it really didn't help him at all.

I mean he got caught and got a picture doing things. He wasn't allowed back in America in case he got arrested. Harry uh please darling will you just pass over the high stepper.

Pepper. I'll really do some nice nice bit of holy ghost. Toast.

See this one I know but it's been changed lately. Lee Marvin. Starving.

But recently there's been an advert and they're calling they're saying Hank Marvin. I mean you're Hank Marvin. Starving.

Advertising some foodie stuff. See this is the next one is one that I've heard for years and years and years and then I never knew. Never never never never knew where it came from.

Didn't even know what it was because it don't rhyme. Well it didn't but it does if you say the whole thing. Ruby Murray Curry.

But no one calls it a Murray. They don't say Ruby. I could do a Ruby.

And people generally know what that means. Sort of in London and stuff. It's like Cockney rhyme for curry.

But it doesn't rhyme with curry does it? Ruby. But no one seems to worry about that. Yeah.

Apparently it's after an Irish singer called um oh Ruby Murray. Apparently curry being. Oh right yeah.

Slap and tickle. Biggle. We used to sell slap and tickles in the chip shop I worked in.

But it's a brothel but you know. Um oh. Pastor Squad Holt.

Never heard that before. Squad Holt. Salt.

And there's another one. Oh I need some. I like to have yellow silk on my breakfast.

Yellow silk. Milk. And that's quite nice.

Yellow. Silk. Silky.

I'm going to just have a quick tiddly wink here. Drink. Can you imagine going through your life talking like this all the time? Passers the dog and pup.

Cup. I'd love a cup of Everton toffee. Coffee.

Don't suppose I could get a glass of Fisherman's Water. Water. I'll stick on the uh Hansel and Gretel.

Gretel. Oh dear. Is it this one? Rosie Lee tea.

So I know this one. But again I think some people say I could do with a cup of Rosie. Oh yes.

Let's have a look what we got. Oh. Lord Maring.

Swearing. So let's see. Okay some of these are a bit rude so I'll be off to.

Barge and tug. Mug. Berkley Hunt.

No I can't read that one. Brandy Butter. No I can't read that one either.

Cobblers. Cobblers Alls. No I can't read it.

You're such a crown and anchor. Oh no I can't read that either. Doe Stay.

No I can't read that. Edna May. On your way.

Elephant and Castle. Oh no. Ginger beer.

No I'm not reading that one. Haddock and Cod. Sod.

Iron Hoof. No I'm not reading that. Keith Moon.

Loon. King Dick. Thick.

Lump and Bump. Chump. Marbles and Conkers.

Bonkers. Miss Fitch. No no no.

A pheasant plucker. You probably guess what some of these are but hey, shan't say it. Piccadilly.

Silly. It's a bit too close to silly isn't it? Piccadilly. Because if you take the d and put the s in.

Change the d for the s. It'd be Piccacilly. Yeah I believe it is silly. Pony and Trap.

Crap. I've got to go for a pony and trap. Oh damn it.

My kindle just turned itself off. Radio rental. Okay I can't read that.

That's a rally bike. Nope can't read that. Ruck and Row.

Cow. Salvation Army. Barmy.

Sharp as Tool. Fool. Tickle your Fancy.

Nancy. Oh that's that is oh I didn't realize what I was reading there. So that's that's uh it's not a good word.

I was thinking of it as being like a woman's name until I read it like oh okay. So I scrapped that one. Top Hat Prat.

I tried to miss out any of the naughty words. One got through. Night and day play.

Stop being such a Captain Morgan. Organ. You're such a Charles Brown.

Such a Charlie Brown. Clown. Let's have a ding dong.

Shong. Let's go and watch a movie at the Fleas and Itches. The pictures.

See I used to play the hey diddle diddle. Fiddle. So like.

Jacket and vest. West. Joanna.

Piano. No that doesn't make sense to me. Would you like to kick and prance? Dance.

Nope. Or perhaps you'd like to come up on stage with me and mangling mangling ring. Sing.

Or perhaps you'd like to come around mine and watch the Roger Melly. Telly. See this one I know.

Rub a dub. The pub. Pickle and choose.

Booze. Amos and Andy. Brandy.

Andy Pandy. Shandy. Brahms and Liszt.

Drunk. Bright and frisky. Whisky.

I like to drink Britney Spears. I like to have Britney Spears in my mouth. Britney Spears.

Beers. Curtain cakes. The shakes.

I'm so elephant's trunk. Drunk. Philharmonic.

Tonic. Oh dear. Runner and a rider.

Cider. Sugar and spice. Ace.

Cuts and scratches. Matches. Vera Lynn.

Skin. Got any Veras? Aristotle. Bottle.

Barney Rubble. Trouble. Bull and cow.

Rauw. Stop being a Frankie Howard. Coward.

I don't know if I like that half ouncer. Bouncer. I hate his Newton Butts.

Guts. Let's have a look. Let's see all the other ones.

Billy Bunter. Punter. Charles Dance.

Charts. See this is all gambling stuff so I'll move through that. Typewriter.

Fighter. As in a boxer. Babbling brook.

Crook. Cornflake. Fake.

Half inch. Pinch. Hey diddle diddle.

Fiddle. We've done that haven't we? Holy Friar. Oh yeah.

Johnny Walker. Talker. Let's have a look.

Brass tacks. Fax. So I suppose if you're going to use this kind of language in order to talk secretly with a kind of code with other people then no one else can ever know about it other than you and the people you're communicating with otherwise it doesn't work does it? I'm 41% through the book but I'm going to stop now because it's time to end the recording.

So thank you very much for listening. I hope you've been as bored as I have and I'll speak to you really soon. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.