#246 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (26th October 2019)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com, the wonderful world of Jason-y stuff. My name is Jason Newland. And this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep.

Please only listen once you are able to safely, very safely close your eyes. So if you are driving a car, never press play on any recordings from myself because I imagine most sleep recordings should only be listened to when, excuse me, when you're able to close your eyes. I want to say safely close your eyes because you could say, well, I can close my eyes anytime.

You know, to be fair, we're closing our eyes constantly, aren't we, when we blink? I like to blink. And you're kind of like, yeah, technically we're closing our eyes. I don't know how many thousands of times a day.

I don't know. But it's not the same as going for a nap. You know, it's slightly different.

I knew someone years ago, they fell asleep at the wheel. It was a family member actually. And I think he was with someone else who also fell asleep.

So they didn't, kind of didn't realize. I think he woke up and he said, Oi, wake up to the passenger. Not realizing that he's the one that was asleep.

But luckily, everything was fine. And, you know, nothing happened. But that's scary.

And so I don't, the idea, because I like to listen to audio recordings. And I produced them, I like to listen to them. I don't like to listen to mine.

Well, I never listened to mine. But I do like to listen to my personal favorites would be motivational, inspirational. Whenever I say motivational, inspirational, I feel like I want to start singing the Greece song.

You know, Greece lightning. It's high dramatic, it's motivational, it's inspiration, it's masturbate, you know, it's kind of asian or whatever. Oh, Denise Van Uten is on television.

Oh, let me tell you about Denise Van Uten. I can't believe she doesn't really look that different from the way she did in the early 90s. Isn't that weird? I know it's television, so they can make skeletons look attractive, can't they on television.

But she just, she used to be on the Big Brother, not Big Brother, the Big Breakfast, Channel 4's Big Breakfast, in the early 90s. We're talking quite early, early 90s. And she used to be a helicopter weather person, I think, or news or something.

I don't know, she was in a helicopter anyway, doing talking, but she was very bubbly and you know, all that stuff. And clearly very young as well, I imagine. She still doesn't, I don't know how old she is, I don't care, but just, you know, people just look the same.

She looks older, obviously, we all do, but she looks kind of the same. You could say, well, she's still got the same face. Yeah, I know, but a lot of celebrities do like to play around with their faces, don't they? You know, sort of, I think I would.

I don't mean like playing around with it. I think if I was going to have plastic surgery, I'd want it to be obvious. So I kind of want to like have one eye on my chin and, you know, move stuff around, having an ear where my nose should be and just, you know, like I'd put in an extra 50 teeth or something.

I'd love to have a square head like Frankenstein. Don't correct me by saying, it was Frankenstein's monster, not Frankenstein. Everyone calls it Frankenstein.

No, it was Frankenstein's monster, was not Frankenstein. Frankenstein was the one that invented and created the monster. Nobody cares, but I care.

All right, Andre, it's a weird smelling here tonight and I think it's me. Isn't it weird when you, hmm, I think I might need a bath. I've had a bath.

Oh my goodness. Oh no, don't tell me. Oh, never mind.

Maybe it's Andre. I took him out for a walk just now. Just, well, not just now, because I'm here now.

But, you know, five minutes before I started this recording, I took Andre out because he came out, did a wee and I thought, he's awake. I'll take him for a little walk and then I'll make a recording and then I'm going to watch the boxing and I'm going to have a pizza from the freezer and I'm going to have a very, very relaxed evening, which is what I need. So I got him, I put his shoes on and he ran into the shed, the shed, the bedroom shed.

So he ran into the bedroom shed, which is now his go-to place. He sleeps in there for hours now. He uses it, I mean, not even a lot more than me, but pretty much 99% more time than I do.

He uses that garden shed because it's not ready for me to use really. I'm still using the, I'm doing this in the living room, but I have shut all the windows and hopefully, you know, turn the laptop off so there's minimal background sound. I know where Andre is right now because he does the same thing every time he comes back from going out for a walk.

He especially loves it when he's been in the wet grass, covered himself in mud. He comes in, I take my jacket off, put his lead away, lock the doors, take my shoes off. Guaranteed where he is, he's in the bed, rubbing himself, getting himself all dry, getting all that mud and dirt off of himself on my bedclothes.

Every time. So right now, I was in the shed trying to coax him out, you know, we're not coaxing, like, yeah, boy, boy, yeah, boy. He's not really that level of, he can't be coaxed, if that makes sense.

He can't be influenced, he can't be motivated, he can't be coaxed, he can't anything. He just does what he wants when he wants to do it without any interest in what I want to do. And without any interest in trying to please me or needing that, you know, like a dog would be like needy, needy.

And some people class that as, oh, he's so, so attentive to my needs, or he's attentive to the dog's needs being met. And, and possibly, you know, they're lovely dogs, I like dogs, but very needy. If it was a human being, you'd kind of probably want to change your telephone number, or block them off Facebook.

But he, I wish he was needy, but he isn't. I'd love him to keep wanting to cuddle me, but he doesn't. He does cuddle me, but when he wants.

So it's kind of like a cat in that sense. But in another way, I can't coax him, come here, come here, like cats. I've lived with cats in the past.

And if a cat likes you, say, hey, come on, and a cat will jump onto your lap and happily spend hours there sometimes. That's what cats are. That's one of the best things about cats is very relaxing.

To have something start stroking a pussy is sometimes the nicest, most relaxing thing you can do whilst watching the television. And, you know, it's just personal. I don't know if it's the purring that a pussy makes.

I can't do a very good impression. It's a vibrational thing, I think. So I think it's not so much, not just a hearing, do you hear it, but it's a vibration in the air.

It's, I think if we could create that, a pussy, in a sense that would just relax your entire body by just stroking it, and your entire body would get relaxed. So if we get something like that, like a hat, like a pussy hat or something that you could put on and stroke the top of it, and then the rest of your body just feels completely relaxed as that vibration of purring. I can't read.

I can't do. I can do meow. And I can't do the purring.

Yeah, I'm not so good at the cat sounds. But then my dog sounds aren't too great either, and it's like, so meow the cat. And it's really cute for the first three seconds.

But if you've got a neighbor, and they've got two cats, as an example, yeah, and they live downstairs, and two cats, one black, and one greyish, and with a sparkly eye. But yeah, as an example, yeah, not like real or anything, but the neighbors downstairs, if they say they've got two cats, and they spend hours, you know, at night, it loses its, eroticism isn't the right word, but sentimentality or calmness. It's kind of, you know, if you had someone saying to you, I love you, really, absolutely, absolutely adore you.

And you're the most beautiful person I've ever met in my life. And I fell in love with you, before I even met you. I fell in love with you in my dreams, before I even met you, and I've waited.

I always felt like I was born waiting to meet you. And now that I have, every day is sunny. And you're the most amazing person in this world.

And I would do absolutely anything for you. And I love you so much. You are my world.

And I'm here for you for the rest of my life, devoted to keeping you happy and safe, because I love you that much. So that could be a really nice thing to hear. Once, maybe, you know, maybe once.

The first time, it might be nice if you like them. Not so much if you're waiting for a bus, and you don't know the person. You know what I mean? It's 11 o'clock at night and you've got this person next to you, telling you how much they love you.

I waited since I was a sperm. And I loved you even then. But even if it is someone and you kind of feel the same, you feel the same for them.

And it's a beautiful moment. After a while of hearing it, and keep hearing it, and keep hearing it. Even though in your mind, you might think, I'd never get fed up with hearing that.

You would. I think anyone would. You know, if it was continuous.

You know, you're getting ready for breakfast. Do you want corn flakes or do you want some toast? I love you. Worship the ground you walk on.

Yeah, corn flakes or toast. I love you too, but do you want corn flakes? I love you. And I love it when you ask me about breakfast cereal.

It's the most romantic thing. For years, I dreamt about having this experience of being able to wake up and come down into the kitchen to the most beautiful human being that's ever lived on this planet to ask me what breakfast cereal I'd like to eat. So it's corn flakes then, is it? Okay, it's corn flakes.

All right. Okay. So it's a beautiful thing.

I imagine it's a, no one's ever been particularly romantic with me. So, and I stopped being romantic when I was about 16. So I kind of, you know, I was very romantic before I left school.

But I did a lot of things quite furiously before I left school that I don't do quite as often. And, you know, physical exercise I'm talking about, you know, running, jogging and stuff like that. Yeah.

I used to write poems. I used to write a lot of poems. I was obsessed with this girl at school called Sarah.

I don't even know why. I didn't even know her, really. But I wrote a song about her and I just, I just wanted to, it's not that I wanted to be, sounds weird, really.

It might sound a little bit weird. Tell me if this sounds weird. I just wanted to, because I was only about 14 or 15.

I just wanted to be able to come home from school, go up to my room and open my cupboard and there she was. It's all I wanted, just every now and then for her to be hiding in my cupboard. Maybe it was weird back then.

Maybe even more weirder now, I don't know. No, I really, really liked her. Really.

Again, I don't know why. I did, it doesn't matter why, does it? It don't matter. That's the thing is there ain't no logic to, what was I saying? There ain't no logic to a downtown spodgic.

I don't know. No logic. There's no logic to emotion.

Logic and emotion are two different things. That's why I don't really do emotion so much. Apart from recently.

Oh, my emotional levels. Oh, ever so high. But can you imagine though, you know, you're on the toilet and you run out of toilet paper and you shout to your partner, run out of toilet paper.

Can you come here? What's wrong? I've run out of toilet paper. Uh, can you get some from the downstairs toilet? Cause there's none up here. There's no spare.

I love you. Yeah, I know. I know.

But I need, I need the toilet paper. You know, when I was, when I was 15, I used to dream about the opportunity to, to bring the woman of my dreams toilet paper because my, my grandmother ran out of toilet paper once and it kind of traumatized me and I, I didn't realize the door was unlocked and, you know, I thought I was just going to like, put it on the outside of the toilet door and I'll go away and she'd open the toilet door and, and take it.

But I went down, got the toilet paper, brought it up, went to put it down and she opened the door and my head level, well, just saying it was, it was, it was difficult and didn't really see eye to eye after that.

And I always dreamt that I'd be able to fall in love and that that person I fell in love with, that I dreamt about since I was only three inches tall, would just take away all those memories from the past that were maybe a little bit difficult so that almost like my timeline was completely cleansed and purified by the perfection of that person that came into my life to transform every aspect of my being. And that person's you and it happened. And I just want to say thank you.

Can you get me some bog roll, please? Really, seriously, can you just get me some bog roll? I need to wipe my ass. And I, I just, I just want to thank you. That's all.

I just want to thank you for being here with me and to be able to, to be that blunt as well, to talk about wiping your, your bottom. And, you know, even though in some circumstances, I wouldn't want to know that much information. And, and feel free to open the window.

But it's something even, even bad smells smell nice when I'm with you. It's something like perfection, just, and it just fills my heart with so much love towards you. I just, I wish I could, I wish I could express it to you, you know, in a more fulfilling manner.

Forget it. Don't worry. I'll have it.

I'll have a shower. I'll have a shower. Forget it.

Oh, okay. I suppose you'd like some company, would you? No, thank you. You know, even, even the rejection feels like love.

The rejection feels like love. And it fills me with, with a deep sense of penetrating flowers, flowers penetrating me with, with, with, not centipedes, but with, with a sense of little drums beating, like centipedes on little tiny little drums, beating like a little heartbeat. It's almost like my, my love for you has its own heart, its own special heart that beats just for you.

Hello? Hello? Darling? I'm coming in. Make sure you're okay. I'm coming in.

Where have you got to? Why is the window open? Oh, that's weird. It's almost like she jumped out of the window to get away from me. So yeah, I had a bit of a weird day.

Oh, I had a weird week, really. But that's okay. And I went out today to town and I got, got some shopping to get delivered.

And, you know, we got on the bus with my friend and he got his dog with him. And the bus driver, he said, upstairs, take the dog upstairs to my friend. So he said, we've got to go upstairs.

And I said to the driver, any particular seat you'd like us to sit in? Tell us to go upstairs. What am I, five years old? I'm an adult. I'm 49 now.

It's then that I realised that I'm probably going to be a very, very awkward pensioner. I'm going to be a bit of a handful when I'm elderly. Because I'm not going to take any rubbish from anyone.

I think I'm going to be, hopefully I'm like a nice version of that. I'm hoping that I'm a kind of a, you know, cheeky, funny kind of version. Not just angry.

But as I get older, the less I take, the less, I don't know what the word is. Shy, maybe? I'm a shy guy. Shy guy.

I don't know if I've ever really been shy. I'll just have a little drink. So I've got some chocolate eclairs today.

I'm just gonna... They're not actually chocolate eclairs. They're called eclairs. Cadbury's eclairs.

How's the whole story really about them? That's hardly worth mentioning really, was it? I just love the way you eat chocolate eclairs and the way you tell those, those stories. It's... You know, even though the stories don't go anywhere, it just fills my heart with happiness. Just to be able to, you know, be so lucky enough to be in the same room as you when you tell them.

Because I love you so much. I do. I think it'll get a little bit... It's been a while since anybody told me that they love me, so perhaps I shouldn't really... I'm not knocking it.

It's just that level of, if a dog, if a human was like a dog, that's what dogs could be like. Love me. Love me.

Love me. You know, you go, I've got my friend's dog and he goes out for... I looked after him. And all he was doing was going... What was he doing? I think he was just putting the rubbish out.

Literally, that's all he was doing. So he went outside. He was gone for a minute.

So I was sitting there with a dog. And after about four seconds, this dog started going absolutely loopy. Where's my dad? Where's my dad? Where's my dad? Where's my dad? Where's my dad? Where's my dad? Where is he? Where is he? Why's he gone? Has he never come back again? It's been hours.

It's been hours. Where's he gone? I haven't seen him for months. I was like, really? I mean, it must be a very... We talk about time traveling.

I reckon dogs must be time travelers because their sense of time doesn't seem to be in tune with our sense of time. Like humans. I'm not saying that all humans are anything because I don't know all humans, thankfully.

But I'm guessing that a lot of humans have a kind of a sense of time. You know, if you used to sit in a room, if you used to sit in a room just watching television, or a film, or listening to music, or something like that, and you knew what the time was when you started, you could probably guess roughly if it's been half an hour, an hour, maybe an hour and a half, roughly. Or someone's beeping their horn.

Another person that doesn't like to actually get out of their car. So it's a really old fashioned thing. It's going back to the 70s and the 80s, and it's very outdated.

So I think it's old people that do it, and young people that act like old people. Because some people live with their parents still, don't they, when they're in their 40s and stuff. Or they've got a very close relationship, and they've taken on those traits, not questioned it, and decided not to have their own personality.

And they beep their horn when they're collecting someone. And then I've seen the same people come back, drop off the same person, and then drive away, beeping their horn. You just said goodbye.

What else is there to say? Just to remind you I've said goodbye. Just to remind you I still exist. I'm beeping my horn.

I don't want you to forget about me. Needy. How needy.

So them picking you up, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Some people really, really, they do it. I've had people outside here, beeping, then beep again.

Then a few minutes later, beep, beep, beep, get more. You can hear, you can almost feel the pressure from the car moving into the building. And I'd love to be able to just blow the car up, but obviously I'm not allowed to.

And the, it's that real like, if it's that important to you, then get out of your car. It's almost like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I'm really worried about them now.

What if you're really worried about the person that technically is only probably about 20 foot away from your car inside that building? How about getting out of the car and walking to the door, which will take you a minute, no, but one and a half seconds probably, and knocking on the door, ringing the doorbell, making sure they're okay in person, maybe. And, but no, that's the last option. That's like the very, very last option.

Taxi drivers in the past used to, and I can see how things have changed over the years. That's probably one of the only good things about getting older. And no, I suppose there's lots, there's quite a few things.

What things are good about getting older? Let me have a think. Let's try and be, I'm not going to try and be positive. I'm trying to be honest.

What's my personal appreciations of getting older? So I have to try and figure out the difference between whether it's because I got older or whether it's because I'm now on medication to help me deal with my mental health stuff. So that's probably helped a little bit, but hopefully a lot, and the kind of support I get with that. But I think, I was going to say, what's the good things? See, my libido's gone pretty much, or it's lowered.

It's not gone completely, but it's pretty much gone. But the I'm on Prozac and also Depakote, which is a mood stabilizer. And even before I was on Depakote, I've been on Prozac or fluoxetine, which it's called, many times over the years, and it always affects the libido.

It always affects my, but I've got, yeah, it's not a lot going on. So for me, if I see someone that I'm attracted to, it's almost like I could see it from a visual perspective, like a beautiful painting. See, not it, see her as like, wow, just from the angles and the angles, as if it was like a statuette.

And very poetic today, aren't I? With my words. You're not going to be poetic with your feet, are you? Stop, stop that. Stop messing around on my feet.

I like having my feet touched. Not just touched, just for the sake of it. And not by men.

I just, I like having my feet massaged. Although it's not really a man or woman thing, but I prefer it by a woman. I just, it's just personal preference, isn't it? I don't really like men touching me.

Just generally. And that's just a, a, that's a psychological thing, rather than any other thing. I prefer, I don't really, I don't really like being touched by anybody, generally.

But if I was to choose, it would be from, what's the lady that was in, in Mad Men? Her, I'd like her to massage my feet, if I could choose a celebrity. Or Boris Johnson. Or Donald Trump.

I quite like them two to massage my feet. One each, one each foot. It's just, I'm always, almost like to feel how sensitive they are, because I imagine they've both got very smooth, gentle hands, as I have myself.

I think they're very, very gentle to touch. Very, very sensual. But at the same time, I'd like to kind of just watch them interact together.

And sort of just observe the kind of things that they talk about. That would interest me. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? And what else? I lost track there, started talking about feet, it had nothing to do with anything.

And then I started thinking about, we've all got a fantasy crush, haven't we? Like a fantasy celebrity that unlikely to ever perhaps even meet. Nevermind, you know, do anything else. But I just, I quite like Uma Thurman years ago, a long time ago.

Not, you know, just around the kind of Pulp Fiction time, probably. Wonder Woman, the original Wonder Woman. Oh, I loved her.

Still do. And all the famous celebrities over the years, I loved. But I had a crush on another.

Never written a poem about a celebrity. Still time. So I'm thinking I've got a ukulele, right? I'm going to learn to play the ukulele.

It's only a cheap little thing that I bought about a year ago. That I've took out of the box, I think twice. Not even tuned it.

I just, I'd like to be able to write songs, sing, but with an instrument that's not going to be too difficult to learn. To take too much, you know, I want to focus more on the singing than the playing, if that makes sense. And so I'm thinking about looking into learning that.

There's loads of YouTube videos on, you know, learning the ukulele. So I might give it a good old go. And it might, potentially, it could be really therapeutic.

Because I think I've got quite a few songs within me that could be released, you know? I mean, songs are basically poetry to music, isn't it? Poetry to singing. And that's what songs are. So I kind of like the idea of, instead of just writing a poem, not just writing a poem, obviously, because I'm not so into it as I used to be.

Very much. I used to love writing poems. I used to get very, very, what's the right word? Perhaps took myself quite seriously with poems.

No, that's not the right word. I expressed myself. I was able to express myself with poetry.

Not necessarily rhyming poems. But then at the time, I only discovered that rhyming poems or the poems didn't need to be rhymed. Because I always thought, you know, if you had the word bucket, then you had to have a word that rhymed with bucket in the poem.

And when I started reading the beat poetry, back in the early 90s, everything happened in the early 90s. Nothing's happened since. I'll be talking about this, so when I imagine 10 years time or 20 years time, I'll be thinking back to this and saying, I remember when I used to make these recordings, I used to talk absolute rubbish for an whole hour.

And I did hours, I did hundreds of them. Hundreds of them. And I don't know why.

And I'd be so nostalgic about it. And I'll be thinking, I wonder what happened to all those recordings. It's just, they're just disappearing.

I wonder what happened to them all. I had them on a laptop, the laptop broke, I lost everything. Damn.

So these beat poets, some of them did rhyme. I mean, it's not like there was a rule saying, no longer can you rhyme a poem. No, of course not.

But there was a lot of poets that didn't. Allen Ginsberg, the, is it Roar? Is that the poem? Roar? Roar? I think it is, but it was about his mum. And Charles Bukowski, my favourite poet.

He, you know, didn't like aim for rhyming. And he's my favourite author, my favourite writer, Charles Bukowski. Out of everybody, he's just, although, I've talked about this in the past, but if you ever really get, if you ever fancy reading a funny book and you've only, you know, just a short book, and you think, okay, what should I, and you've never read, and you've never read this book before.

Woody Allen, his early stuff. I think it's Without Feathers, or White Feathers, something like that. And another one called Radio Days, which he did turn into a film.

But these books are not particularly thick. They're not, you know, you can read it in probably three hours, four hours. Very, very funny.

I mean, I reread them when I was, I read them first when I was a teenager, when I was about 18 or something. And then I reread the book, I reread them when I was in my 20s. Or later, you know, 10 years later, whatever.

It's still hilarious, but it's not anything is funniest. Sometimes it's, it can be funniest the first time you read it. And although there's some things like films that I've seen, or haven't seen for so long, that I just get, I crack up laughing because I forgot how funny they were.

But there's other films that I just don't want to watch because I don't want to spoil them. The Life of Brian is one. For me, that was one of the most perfect comedy films.

I know it's not everyone's favorite Monty Python film. And I was never really, never really, I mean, a big fan of the Monty Python TV shows. Firstly, it wasn't my era, it was in the 60s.

It was long before I was even born. And when it was on during my life, during the 70s, I wasn't allowed to watch it when I was a kid because it was adult, it was adult comedy. And it used to be on fairly late at night.

And then I didn't really get to watch it probably until late 80s. But I saw The Life of Brian in the early 80s. For some reason, because up to me, I was visiting family.

So I just had access to all the videos. And I got drunk the night before on red wine for the first time. Well, not first time getting drunk, but the first time getting drunk on red wine.

And I remember, seriously, it was such a weird day. My little brother was there, my cousin, little cousin, she was probably a little bit younger, or the same kind of age as my little brother. And she was absolutely obsessed with The Jungle Book.

So there's only so many times I think anybody should be legally obliged to watch any film really, and The Jungle Book, regardless of how wonderful it may be. And I really, I do like the film. But since that, since that family stay where I stayed, and my cousin, she was only like four or something.

She watched it over and over and over and over again. And I don't think I've ever been able to watch it since. It kind of traumatized me a little bit.

Before that, I loved the film. But after that, no, I can't. I can't.

It's like when you, if you overdo it, if you eat something you overdo, you just eat a bit too much of something you enjoy eating. You know, I did that with, what did I do that with? Something I used to eat a lot of, biscuits. There was these biscuits that I used to eat, and my nan used to have them.

And this is I think about 2004, 2005. And I've never had them before. Because my nan always had biscuits.

She always had tins of biscuits. Before she got a little, like physically unable to do some stuff, she was always baking, making cakes, rock cakes. So that would be the first place to go, you know, go and have some cakes and biscuits that she made herself.

But then, you know, she got older, she'd buy the biscuits, and there was these ones, I forget what they're called. And they were like long, they were not long. I mean, they didn't take up the whole room.

But they were kind of, yeah, rather than round, that's what I mean. And I just loved them. Never had them before.

I think they were Dutch biscuits or something like that. And they were just perfection. And I just gobbled them, couldn't stop gobbling, gobbled them all the way up.

Just loved them. They were my favourite biscuits ever. I couldn't wait.

I used to say at work, I can't wait to go to my nan's for a nice gobble. And I had to explain it was biscuits, I didn't realise. But it was just, the biscuits were so perfect.

But what happened is I was buying them. Because, you know, at that point, all I was doing was just eating them when I was there with her. And after a while, I think I ate too many.

Because my nan said, you can have to start bringing your own biscuits. Because you're eating too many. So I think I might be eating too many.

And she handed me a bill for all the biscuits that I got through. What a horrible person. Oh no, she just let off a stink.

Like a proper stink. I hope it's him. My phone's dropping on the floor.

Almost smells like petrol. Hmm, that was strange. So what was I going to say? Yeah, and the, I had all these biscuits, and it got to the point where I couldn't eat them anymore.

I just had too many. That's the entire biscuit story. But recently I've been buying them again, and they're lovely.

Still can't remember what they're called though. Anyway, that's it for me. So take care of yourselves.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Because you deserve to be happy. Speak to you next time.

Lots of love. Bye.