#239 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (15th October 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

And I'd just like to say thank you to the couple of people that sent me sent me some money on Paypal. Thank you very much. If you'd like to send me a gift just go to my website.

The links are there. And what I've got now is now I think uh how many stats have I got what not how many stats what's the number five five hundred and five hundred and seventeen thousand now I've got I don't know I keep updating it but I update it way too regularly. It's literally every time I go and look at the laptop the stats the overall stats have gone up by a few hundred and I just keep updating it instead of just doing it once a day which would make more sense.

Gets me all excited and gooey you know. Anyway I'll just let you know. The point behind this podcast is to bore you to sleep.

That's kind of it. Ain't much more to it than that. Sometimes I'll read out of a magazine or a paper or sometimes I'll go online in which case I'll do that in the living room so there may be a bit more background sounds than there is here because I'm using my garden shed in my bedroom to record this now which means laundry can't get to me.

Although I say that it'll always find a way. He's a little genius he is and um I think he might be a genius mastermind. I'm not sure.

I think I found a 20 pound note the other day and it was hidden and I don't recall hiding it. I think he's stashing money. I do.

I hope he's not washing it as well. What do they call that when you... I remember a friend once said years ago he was... when he just left school someone asked him to wash some money and he didn't understand what it meant. He didn't understand it.

He meant you need to go out and spend the money but get the money back you know. Break a 20 for a chocolate bar or something. And he literally put it in the washing machine.

Yeah not a mastermind. Never been on master... well of course I'm... it's not a course I might have been but no I haven't been on mastermind television program. I suppose I could.

I just need to have a subject that I know something about. That's all. Because all mastermind... I don't know.

Is there a general... But you do have a specialist topic which is not just... well I like history. Maybe records from the past. The charts.

Maybe you know television programs. No very specific you know kind of hairstyles of Elvis Presley 1957 to 1959. You might think it's only one hairstyle but no.

You'd be wrong. You'd be very wrong. Very very wrong.

I do like watching Elvis films. They're really good-natured. Very gentle really.

Not completely. I mean it's a little bit of little bit of stuff in there you know. But I think Elvis... I think he might have wanted to have been an actor.

And not many people can be in that many films and not actually be an actor. I mean by that I mean for someone to star in their own films they're normally an actor. You know that's normally their profession.

And he starred in what's it 16 films. You know he's a very successful actor. More successful than most actors that act ever in the whole world.

He should've got an Oscar for every film he played in. Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando.

Elvis yeah. Not Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando.

I was looking recently on uh what's it called the internet and it's a wikipedia. Kind of strange name really isn't it. And I looked up famous actors who had been or nominated and won Oscars.

And I've got a pet peeve. A pet pet peeve. Call them Oscars or call them Academy Awards.

Either Academy Awards or Oscars. Don't call them both. Just choose a name, stick to it and it's all move on with our lives.

Isn't it? Oscar winner and the Academy Award winner. Which is it? It's both. We can't why have two different names for the same thing.

Unless of course they are two different things then that would make sense. I just realized that might be the case. And Emmys.

Why Emmys? If it's an Oscar why call it an Emmy? An Emmy? What does an Emmy even stand for? Emmy. E-M-Y. It was E-M-M-Y.

Emmy. Gotta stand for something. And the Pulitzer Peace Prize.

Pulitzer. The man who it's that created or it was named after. He created gunpowder or dynamite rather.

He created dynamite. Which was a precursor to what came after. And there's a Peace Prize named in his name.

Oh what irony. I don't know. I'm trying to think maybe I should start the Gadaffi Meditation Center.

Look at this shed. It's very weird. Still feels weird to be in a shed.

I may not have been in a shed before. Not like this. If anything I'd probably prefer it if it was outside as far as sitting in it.

Because then I probably have, well I might, I might not have the door open and ideally have the windows in the shed so I could look out. But then that would depend on what I'm up to. So maybe have curtains.

This is kind of weird. Just, I don't know. I could sleep in this.

I don't need to because I've got a bed. That'd be a bit weird to do that. But I wonder how much.

I bet it's sheltered me from the rain outside. But it'd be pretty cold I'm guessing. But up here it's quite warm in here.

It feels warmer in the shed than it does in the bedroom. And the shed's in the bedroom. But luckily I'm only about four foot tall so it feels like a mention to me.

It's absolutely huge. I can't even see the ceiling. It's six foot tall.

I can't even, can't even see the ceiling. It's so high up. It's like the stars.

Oh well. It's like the, I can see the stars before I can see the ceiling because that's how high it is. It's six foot high.

I've got my own little shed. It's like I'm gradually, not turning into a pensioner, maybe gradually turning into my dad. He loves his shed.

He's got sheds. He doesn't just have one shed. He's got, I've never seen a shed bigger than this.

They don't make sheds as big as he's got. They probably do. But it'd basically be a house.

It's massive honestly. I think he's joined about four sheds together. Four big sheds.

He's got, he's got a bathroom in his shed. He's got fridges and freezers. You know, he's got, seriously, it's a lot, a lot of space in there.

He loves it down there. Well, I don't know if he loves it but I think he likes it a bit. I've never asked him really.

Daddy, do you love your shed? That just doesn't seem to come up. You know, in conversation, he, you know, he likes his shed. But then he's into doing practical things, you know, tradesmen kind of jobs.

Because he's, he was, he's, so he, he can do anything from building electrics, plumbing, plastering, you know, anything really. He can seem to be able to do it all. When he was younger.

He can still do it but he's, he's getting on a bit now. Mind you, so am I. 49? Really? I had a dream and I was back in a chip shop. This is, this is last night.

I had a dream and I was back in the chip shop that I used to work in when I was, when I just, you know, first left school for two years. And working there pretty much directed my life for the next 10 years, I'd say, until I was 31 and I got my first job, my first proper job in insurance. Before, you know, so I kind of, I was very aimless when it comes to work.

And I don't know why but I ended up going there and I was, I was allowed to work and do the shift. It's not the first time this has happened in my dreams. I mean, it has happened before.

So I go along and do this shift and I'm just making mistake after mistake and he keeps not so much telling me off but correcting me, which I've never been a big fan of. But then how do you learn? But, you know, it's just, it was just constant correction and constant in front of the other, in front of the customers and it just, I ended up, I didn't, I wasn't enjoying it. And I don't know why but I think I went for a walk, went for a walk and I ended up in the middle of nowhere.

I mean, literally did not know where I was, did not know where I was at all. I'd originally just went for a walk and I ended up in the fields, in the middle of some fields. I'm like, oh no, I don't recognise any of this.

I might have said that, I don't know. I don't think I talk like that in my dreams. I'm usually much more flamboyant and, I don't believe it.

Where on earth am I? I don't recognise any of these trees. That's usually kind of how I speak when I'm asleep. And eventually I thought, oh, oh, how am I going to get back to the chip shop? Because I'm supposed to be working.

I think I only left to go to the toilet. Just said, I'll just pop into the toilet and I end up in the middle of the field and I wasn't camping. So, you know, and I just thought, oh, and I was worried about getting into trouble.

I don't mean pregnant. I mean, I was worried that he was going to tell me off. And I went to, I managed to find, yeah, there was a shop or a bus stop with a shop next to it.

And the, there's lots of people waiting for this bus. And I thought the bus has got to take me back to the shop. Surely.

Got to the chip shop, got to take me back to town. And the sign on it says 8.50. I don't know, I guess that's p.m. But 8.50, the next bus. So I'm thinking, oh, the next thing I'm there.

So I don't know if I enjoyed the journey. You know, I don't know. But I was there.

I was upstairs. I was talking to someone that I used to work with in a different job that I used to have. And I said to her, can you do me a favor? Can you go downstairs and get my jacket so that I can try to leave without anyone seeing me? Because my jacket had my phone and my keys and, you know, stuff I needed.

And then the boss came up and I said, oh, I've been ill and everything like that. And he said, call an ambulance. And I said, no, don't be silly.

Don't need an ambulance. Just wasn't very well. So I go downstairs and he seems to be okay with it.

And there's someone else working there. And I recognized him. But I could not tell you who he is.

Generally could not tell you who he is now. But I recognized him then. And he said, we were just talking about how long he'd been working there.

And he said he'd been there for ages. Still, he was still working there because I hadn't seen him for a long time. And I said, how come your name's not on the board? Because I didn't recognize anybody's names on the timesheet of, you know, people working.

And he said that I've been doing one evening a week or one day a week for 18 years. There's no reason for my name to be on the board. And I thought, oh.

And then I looked over and there was this other lady. And there's other ladies, a lady who used to work there when I was there. In fact, she started working before me at that place.

So I don't know what year, but she, you know, probably 85, perhaps earlier. And she was still there now. So 85, 95, 2005, 2015.

2025, 2035, 2045, 2055. So that'll be 70 years in 2055. But maybe we need to go back.

So 2005, 1985, 95, 2005, 2015. So that's 30 years. 67, 89, 34 years.

I mean, she was still working there, but in my dreams she was. And she looked exactly the same. But then she looked 90 then.

No, she didn't. She looked exactly the same. I was like, wow.

I reckon she probably does look exactly the same. He's, yeah. I think she's, some people are kind of ageless, aren't they? They just stay, seem to look young forever.

I think she was one of those. I don't know. Who knows? I'm one of them.

I'm like Peter Pan. I'm not all. I'm not sure if I really liked Peter Pan.

You know, just, what's that little, the little fairy? Tinkerbell. She clearly loved Peter Pan. Didn't even give her, didn't give her a chance, did he? Just because, wow, this thing is just wrong.

I think it is prejudiced. Just because she looked like Julia Roberts, it's not, it's not a reason not to give her a chance. What other dreams did I have? I don't know.

Must have been a dream, a dream of being in a dreamlike state of whimsy as the boat floats on the river traveling towards the final destination of happiness whereupon all things coincide and co-create and co-procreate and coexist and doobie-doobie-doobie-doobie. That's my new poem. I don't know what you think.

I think it may be a masterpiece, but I'm not sure. It's either a masterpiece, you know, some kind of a winner, Pulitzer Prize winner. I always say the Pulitzer, you know, I'm talking, it's either dynamite, it's either a dynamite poem or it's not really very good at all.

I'm not sure. Not sure. Not sure.

Oh, I went to the, I needed to eat yesterday. I needed to buy some food and I had a little bit of money left, just enough to get some, a few little bits. So that's what I did.

I went to, I got caught in the bus and yeah, I caught the bus with my lasso and I went into the shop. I was going to have a look at the office space or the office supplies, stationary thing. It's like this big shop.

It used to be Staples and then Staples closed and this shop took over and it's kind of, I suppose, the equivalent to Staples. So I was going to try and see about finding out what type of whiteboards they have because I'm going to be, I've got one whiteboard. I'm going to get a few more so I can start playing around and working out some ideas for these recordings and also for maybe a book and stuff like that.

And you know how you see mathematicians do, they've got these whiteboards and they've got all these calculations and stuff. That's what mine will be, but there'll be zero mathematics. It'll just be ideas that I have.

And my plan, my plan, well my plan was, I don't know if that's going to happen, but I'm going to have a few of them dotted around and maybe one inside here as well. Possibly, if I get a light in here, possibly have it on the front, on the door in front of me to remind me of, you know, stuff that I wanted to talk about because pretty much, pretty much for the last 13, nearly 14 years, I've been doing this off the top of my head without any kind of scripts or hints or reminders. There's been a couple of things I've done scripts with, with the smoking one I did, but that wasn't, that was my script.

That wasn't really, I don't know if it was a script so much as I just spent a long time putting it together. But generally I just say whatever's in my mind at the time and it seems to come together forever, wonderfully, punditly. It's true.

My words are like glue, sticking those ideas together, allowing you to change your life forever. That was an actual poem, some of that rhymed. Wow.

See, I do have a brain. It does sometimes work. It's very sporadic though, sometimes.

Wow, I was quite pleased with that. I've got no idea what I said, but that last bit, like glue, sticking thoughts together, changing your life forever. Or sticking ideas together.

Yeah, that's kind of what hypnosis is. Just an idea, just thoughts, you know. It's, I'm on this, oh my hips, my hips all stiff.

I said my hip. Oh, basically. Okay, what I was saying, what was I saying? On my stiff hip, put me off my flow, my ebb and flow, above and below.

I had a little think of some rhyming words, but none of them seem to be appropriate for some reason. Things, we can talk about sleeping sessions. I've actually got carpet in this shed.

Just a little bit of carpet that my friend gave me. Some tiles. They're not fitted, just loose, but I can't see them, so it's fine.

But I think it does, I think it helps a little bit with sound, just a little bit. So I went into town yesterday, and I got on the bus. I waited for the bus for about 10 minutes.

I spoke to a friend whilst waiting for the bus. I got on and I sat down. I looked and there was no seats.

There was a lady sitting, she had a kid on the right hand side of the back, but all the other seats were took. There was a seat next to pretty much everyone, but there was one seat right at the front. So I sat on that, but I was literally just squashed in.

So I thought, nah. So I went back to the back of the bus, and I sat on the left hand side of the bus. Well, it's the right side if you're, as you travel, but it's the left side as you look at it from the opposite direction.

And as I got to where I was going, I just got off, and there were some people waiting to get on. And I said thank you to the bus driver. I didn't kiss him or anything.

I just, the way I'm a card, I did slip a poem, but I do that with a lot of people. And I went to that store looking for the whiteboards. It wasn't there.

So I crossed the road. Eventually, I crossed the road and went to, walked to Iceland. And I had my headphones on, so I'm just listening to, I think I might have been listening to Whitney Houston, but I'm not sure.

Somebody, definitely. Or it might have been an audible recording. I think I've been listening to the Magic of Thinking Big.

I might have been listening to that. Now, all these people, when I say all of them, there wasn't a huge amount. There's a lot of people all looking at something.

So as I'm walking towards the Iceland entrance, there is, I saw at least probably 10 people, some of which were walking backwards, looking at something. And I couldn't hear anything because I had my headphones on. So, and then as I got closer to the thing, I could hear some like yelling or something.

So I had a little look, and it was like a reenactment of the Jeremy Kyle show. Have you ever seen that? Or Jerry Springer, maybe. But and there's these people just yelling at each other.

But really, so it was Jeremy Kyle, it was really. I actually thought, I wonder if they're doing a new show. Maybe, you know, they don't kind of want a studio, so they're doing it outside.

Or it could be, I was thinking, yeah, there used to be a show called Jeremy Beadle, called Beadles About. And he used to set people up, so that they'd get angry. I think one example would be, yeah, his asset.

One was a man's car, and he had a really nice car. So what Jeremy Beadle did was he swapped the car with a scrap car, but it looked similar. Yeah.

And then he had cement tipped from a cement mixer all over the car. And then the man came home and started to shout and scream and, you know, get really irate. And that's something that Jerry, not Kennedy, Jeremy Kyle, that's something that he could do.

Because what he's used to dealing with, people that are, it's a bit angry. I suppose a nicer word, isn't it? Angry. And it kind of gives the viewers everything they need.

And it gives them that little, that's what I thought maybe was happening. Maybe Jeremy Kyle had started a new TV show. And there was these people shouting.

It's like having tantrums in the street. It was like toddlers, but fully grown adults, which is, yeah, kind of, it's not unusual, unfortunately. Not unusual to see adults acting like toddlers.

It's not unusual to not be able to stop laughing at them. In the end, I just got a bit bored of it and just went and got some food. There was other people watching.

I think the funny bit is when people do that and they're shouting and shouting. And then they say, what are you all looking at? What are you staring at? You, it's you, yeah, you, of course. Why? What do you mean why? Because you're acting like a toddler, like a little baby in an adult's body.

You're an adult acting like a little toddler, having a tantrum. It's very amusing, very funny to watch. It's almost, I don't know if it's my guilty pleasure, but I just found it funny.

Adults that have tantrums, it's, and you know, we're all capable of having tantrums. I know that those are public tantrums at supermarkets and it's like, wow, it's just funny. So you're now in your 40s or 30s and there must have been some brain development, surely, from the age of three.

There must be something, something must have occurred. You must have some kind of self-awareness, surely. Come on, you've had like 16 years or 14 years of education forced upon you.

So, you know, you had to go to school. You watch television programs. You've been on the internet.

You've read books at some point. Come on, you're three. You're not mentally three in your brain.

Come on, come on. I think we should stick them in circuses. Yeah, we should stick them in circuses and we could all watch them put on a show, like a tantrum show.

Or we could have the X Factor. We could have a game show, like a talent show for tantrums. Because let's face it, there's more people out there that can have tantrums that can sing.

So they could all go on and just have a tantrum about something. So go on with their partner or their parents or their children or with their best friend who is their best friend three days a week and the rest of the time they hate them, but they're their best friend. That would be entertaining.

That's a Saturday night evening TV show that I would watch. Oh yes, that would be amusing. What could we call it though? The tantrum factor.

Can you hear my stomach? My stomach's rumbling. What could we call it? Tantrum. Why do I think of tantrum in Delilah? That doesn't make sense, does it? Tantrum factor.

I don't know. It might get boring after a while though, because it seems like, I don't know, I've seen quite a few people have tantrums over the years and it seems as if they've read a book on it or they've done a course on it and they're just using the same phrases and the same words and, you know, you make me feel this way. No one makes you feel anything, my friend.

You make me feel this. No, you don't. No one doesn't make you feel.

No one's in control of how you feel. When you say that, it makes me feel. No, I don't make you feel.

That's your natural response. Doesn't make you feel. I can't compute.

It's too complicated for me, for my little brain. I need to blame everybody. It makes my life happier.

I just need to blame others. Yeah, well, I think life's easier when you don't blame others because it takes away that pressure, I think, allows you to relax, allows you to step out of that cycle of, well, it's lies really, isn't it? That cycle of stupidity, blaming everyone else. It's everyone else's fault.

No, it's not. Not really. Some people to blame, obviously, for their actions, of course, but our lives, we make decisions, we make choices, don't we? I've made some most ridiculous decisions in the world.

I still do. I did it recently. Constantly making stupid decisions is ridiculous.

It's like I've got to, I need to, perhaps I need to start doing some of the stuff that I talk about. I need to start, you know, living it rather than just talking about it. Although last night was the first, it's the second night, the second day that I've woken up at about seven o'clock in the morning.

I've gone to bed early the night before. Second time, two days in a row. Yesterday just happened because I was so tired.

Today, it happened because I was tired, but I also had to set my alarm because I have an appointment to go to, which is fairly early. Normally, my appointments are late afternoon, but this one is a lot earlier than that. So I needed to, if I didn't go to bed, I would have stayed up till maybe seven, which means I would have had eight, nine, ten, three hours sleep, which ain't enough, really.

It really ain't enough. Well, it can be sometimes. Three hours sleep is a hell of a lot better than one hour sleep, I'd say, but I can't do that sometimes.

I could have a little nap for an hour. Sometimes I just feel so good afterwards, like, oh, I'm awake now. Oh, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sometimes. And other times, not so much.

It all depends, really. All depends upon things. Blah, blah, blah.

So, I hope that I've bored you enough. I really could fall asleep myself. Yeah.

So, I'm gonna go. Please remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Not so long.

Bye, bye, bye, bye.