#214 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (11th September 2019)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Just to let you know that my website jasonnewland.com is coming along quite nice. Not every single one of my recordings is available on there yet. And today's the 11th of September 2019.

So if you're listening to this in 2043, then yeah, everything is on there. But I've just got under 900 recordings available on there at the moment. So I'm in the middle of uploading.

It's not so much uploading, just embedding the podcast player into the posts. So I'm doing the self-help and self-development podcast. There's some good stuff in there actually, but that's what I'm doing at the moment.

And then there's probably another four, probably another 10, 10 maybe 15 podcasts that I'll be adding. So I'll be interested to find out how many recordings there are all together. I know it's over a thousand, but I'll just be interested to kind of see the total.

And I would say that 2019 has been my the most I've produced. And it's got me thinking. And did I say only listen when you can safely close your eyes? So I'm going to be talking a little bit about my life, personal stuff.

So it might not be quite as... I don't know. It might be a little bit different to maybe some of the other recordings. So it might be a bit boring, but in a different way.

Kind of boring as in, what are you telling me this for? Say something silly. So there may be less silly stuff than normal, but it's up to you. It's going to talk about, I'll talk about my illness, disability, whatever you want to call it.

Just not going to go into details, just talk about some of the some of the questions I've had in my head today. As I tap my head, scratch my scalp. I just had a really unusual day.

I say today, it was yesterday. So here's the thing. I had an appointment to get help with filling in my PIP review form.

And it's a benefit that we get, or that I get, for like a disability benefit for the bipolar. And I've had, I've filled in two of these forms before. I think one was in 2014, then 2017, and now 2019.

And I've had help all three times, including today. The previous times just seemed a bit easier. This was by far one of the hardest ones I've ever done.

And it was when the appointment was 1.30 this afternoon, or yesterday afternoon, and I got out there by, I guess it was quarter past four, maybe half past four. And I was in there at five past one, so I got in there early. And just because that's the buses, and just that's the time I got in.

I wanted to make sure I got in early. So to start with, I sleep quite well, which is probably good news for people that listen to my insomnia sessions, that I don't generally have any issues with sleeping. Although I have in the past had a lot of problems with sleeping, but not these days.

And I genuinely, generally sleep during the day. So I don't sleep at night. And there's a few different reasons for that.

But I try and make use of being awake during the night to make recordings. And maybe work on a website, watch a movie, you know, listen to some music, play with Andre, you know, just things like that. It's quiet, usually generally quite quiet.

And I like this time of the day. It's 1.35 in the morning. Yeah, 1.35. It's one of my favorite times.

And generally, I'd go to bed, on a good day, I go to bed about four, sometimes a bit earlier, sometimes three, sometimes six, sometimes eight, sometimes a lot later. But generally, I'm in bed by seven, usually the cutoff point in the morning when I go to bed. It's usually more around the six o'clock mark.

And because I knew I had to get up on Tuesday to go to this thing, and I set my alarm I did go to bed early. I haven't felt particularly good last couple of days. Not made any recordings.

And then I, oh man, I struggled to get out of bed. But I did it. I had a bath, I did all the things I just really didn't want to do.

I just did it. Didn't have, I didn't have any breakfast cereal. So I'm lucky I found some porridge or some ready break that I had.

So I had a little bit of milk, so I had some of that. Didn't have time for a cup of coffee. So I'm just a little bit, it's just, it's just lucky that it wasn't hot because having a bath in the summer when it's hot, I end up spending the next hour sweating.

It's like internal swanner. But I got the bus, got on there, got to where I was going. I had a really strange thing.

I went into this shop and I got a bottle of Coke. I was going to get a bottle of water, but for some reason I just got a bottle of Coke. And I'm standing outside the shop and this is superficial, I'll warn you before I start.

I'm not going to go into details again. I just saw what I can only explain as some kind of angelic figure walking across the road, the other side of the road, walking past. And it's this, this lady, she, she walks past and I'm just transfixed.

I literally just can't take my eyes off her. And she looked over at me and smiled and she chucked a carrot at me and it hit me in the eye. No, that, that bit didn't happen.

And I was like, oh, it's just really strange. I just, because it's hard to explain, but it's, you know, I was just like wowed. It was one of those wow moments.

I was like, oh, very strange. And I think what's happened is I live in a university town and every September, I don't spend, I've already go into town. I really leave my home to be fair.

But I noticed this when I did live in town, every September, the town seemed to be full of new people, not just like young students, but, you know, adult students and people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, whatever. And because there's a college and there's also a university as well. So the big college and a big university.

Plus you've got the, the hospital is a university as well. So all these, there's lots of new people arrive every year. So I'm thinking maybe she's one of them because this isn't someone that I would ever forget seeing.

He's kind of etched in my memory now. Very strange. And, but yeah.

So that was just part of me was thinking, oh, I wish I'd just gone over and said hello to her. But what is there to say? It's just weird, isn't it? Going up to someone saying, hello. I just wanted to say hello to you.

I hope that's okay if I say hello. My name is Jason. What's your name? Oh, Tangerine.

What a lovely name. I used to have a cat called Tangerine. I don't know what is, you know, there'd be no reason for me to go over there.

And I do believe that everyone should be able to just walk down the street without being harassed. You know, you should, should be able to just walk around without being hit on by men or women or anything. But, and I just, you know, I know that this is someone that probably gets way too much attention as it is.

So probably kind of annoying for her, you know, to be, to get that amount of attention. And I've met lots of women like that in the past. I've met lots of men like that as a past as well.

They just seem to get lots of attention. You know, they just seem to be a magnet. I worked with someone in insurance years ago, just a long time ago.

And he just, I'd walk with him because he really liked me. So he wanted to go out drinking with me and stuff. And I worked with him in a team with him next to him.

He kept saying, let's go out for a drink. And I said, no, can't, you're bothered. I see enough of you as it is.

You know, standard stuff that I used to say to people, because I didn't really want to spend time with people outside of work. You spend eight hours a day, that's enough. That was always my attitude really.

But in the end, I kind of gave up and said, all right, let's go for a drink. And we did get on really well. Kind of almost best mates really, I suppose.

And women were just literally, I say women, a lot of women, seem to be just obsessed with him. And I could understand it in a way, but just like, well, what is it? And the thing I didn't like about it is I thought, well, you know what? I've kind of done okay in my life. I had lots of girlfriends and, you know, on my own, I can get by, you know, with the way I look.

But standing next to him, I must have looked like a scarecrow. Because, you know, that's the thing. Actually, I'm going to look much, much less than I'd like to.

But because wherever he went, he had followers. He had female followers. And it sounds like kind of made up.

And I was surprised because I hadn't seen that level before. I've known lots of men and lots of women that have been really, like they attracted the opposite sex or the same sex or whatever. But they seem to attract literally like a magnet.

So he was one of them. But it was on a level that I'd, yeah, I don't think I've ever seen. I've not seen it since, either.

It was almost like how I imagine someone like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, the kind of, if they weren't movie stars, they would still be. Someone like George Clooney with his personality, for example, and the way he looks and his personality. I imagine he would have still been attractive to a lot of people.

But would he have had that personality if he hadn't been famous? Because with fame and success can come confidence, I suppose. So he might not have had that confidence. I don't know.

I'm just talking for the sake of talking, really. So I know it can be, it's like on one level, like, well, this is superficial because you're attracted to someone. Well, actually, that's not really superficial.

That's just human. We're all attracted to people. We all are, aren't we? Whether it's men or women.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic attraction. It could be attracted, we're attracted to our friends. We're attracted to our family members, in a sense of there's an attraction there.

Someone that you like, you're attracted to their personality or the way they behave. I've got an auntie that I really get on with. So there's an attraction there to her.

Not a weird attraction, not some kind of call the police attraction. But it's an attraction. It's being attracted to something.

Being attracted to your iPhone. I'm attracted to my punch bag. I'm attracted to Andre because he's the cutest little boy in the whole wide world.

But if you've seen pictures of him, you'll see what I mean because he is so cute. But I just love him to bits. So that's a different thing.

But I'm attracted to him because I know him, I know his personality. But people are attracted to him. When I take him walking, people stop.

Children, adults, other dogs. I know he's not a dog, but he thinks he is, I think. But all kinds of people stop because he's so cute.

Or there's that, oh, what is it? First of all, I have to say, well, it's not an it. It's a he. His name's Andre.

I used to say that. I don't anymore. Is it a ferret? Is it a rat? Yes, it's a rat.

Doesn't it look like a rat? Well, actually, when he's wet, he does look like a rat. But that's besides. Actually, I was giving her a big cuddle this morning because my nerves were all over the place.

And I was getting ready to go to that meeting to get this form filled in. So I had the bath running. And I was holding on to Andre and trying to just calm down because holding him and stroking him, cuddling him, kissing him can help me to just relax, you know? What I didn't realize is I'd spent way too much time standing over the bath while the bath was running.

And Andre started to panic because he thought I was going to give him a bath. So I had to take him out of the bathroom. He started to shake, literally.

I had to take him out of the bathroom. So it turned out that I was cuddling him to get comfort for me. And then I took him into the living room and I was cuddling him to give him comfort and reassurance.

Because although he does need to have a bath every now and then, for him, it's a traumatic experience. He doesn't like it. Generally, he doesn't like it.

And I don't like putting him through it. So I would never do it. I only do it because I have to now and then.

And just generally, he's got a self-cleaning skin. He's got oils, but he still gets muddy. It does look after himself.

It's very clean. So I ended up cuddling him to make him feel better. It's kind of weird.

So I suppose we've got this mutual thing going on. Because he does, when we're out, he's fearless. But at the same time, he wants me to be there a lot of the time.

And I keep climbing up, I want me to hold on to him. Especially if I stop and I talk to someone. So even if there's not a dog or anything, it's just me talking.

Ondrej will climb up for me to carry him, so I'll hold him. And he just lays there for as long as I'm talking for. He doesn't try and get down, anything.

He's just like clinging to me. So it's kind of weird, really. I don't know why.

So anyway, so that bit about seeing someone that I was attracted to, not superficial, really. It's just being a human being. Because, and it's hard.

I think it's hard for people to, for some people to realise that, I think, there's this thing that, I've got a friend, I've got this friend. He said to me at the weekend, I think I spoke to him, and it did annoy me. Because he said this before and it's just, just because, I don't know, it just winds me up.

But he said, talking about relationships. I think he said, yeah, I think, oh, yeah, so we did meet someone that was, what was the way termed? Was it a suitable age? Or that kind of term. In other words, the same age as him.

That's how he, was it a suitable age? Or respectful age? It wasn't legal, it wasn't a legal age. So he puts, I kind of get a sense of this, because I know some people put very limits on who they would be with. Like, or date.

So I have no limits. As long as it's legal, I have no limits. I don't care where someone's from.

I don't care what the colour of the skin is of the person. What their language is. What money they have.

Whether they can drive. I don't care how tall someone is. How much someone weighs.

Body shape even, I'm not that bothered. It's, I don't, you know, it's, because everybody's got their own individual uniqueness, haven't they? And I'm not bothered about age either. If I meet someone who's 75, and I fall in love with them, then I'm going to be with them, if they want to be with me.

I generally don't care. I mean, why, why put limits on ourselves? For happiness. Why limit our happiness by saying, I'm only going to date someone between the ages of 41 and 55, for example, or 45 and 55.

That's the only age gap I'm going to date. And they must be Caucasian, or they must be from Scotland, or they must have red hair, or be a brunette. They must be shorter than me.

They must be slimmer than me, or they must be, you know, why? I mean, in the past, it has been, I've avoided dating a taller woman. Although I have dated taller women as well. But just thinking, oh, people might laugh at her.

Not so much laughing at me, because I don't really care that much. But I didn't want people to be mocking her for dating someone that was shorter. But the much taller lady that I dated, I knew that she could give way more better than she would get.

So, although if anyone laughed at her, they would, they would come second best. So, I knew she could take care of herself. So I wasn't worried about her feelings for that one.

I was only young as well. I was just happy to have a hand to hold. Yay! So, but like, what does it matter? I mean, seriously, I remember years ago, oh, it's another story.

I'll tell that another time. But on the same side, what's wrong with going for what you like? So there's not having any limit, limitations, trying to like, remove those limitations, but not removing what you really like. So if you like someone with really big feet, what's wrong with going for someone with really big feet? Or if you like someone that's really tall, you know, proper like six, nine, seven foot, if that's what you like, what on earth is wrong with that? Because that's not really superficial, I don't think.

Going, you know, going for what you like is something really does it for you. I mean, really. Why on earth shouldn't you? If you're really attracted to someone with red hair or someone that has a lisp, that might sound like a weird attraction, but I find that really cute.

I don't know why, I don't know why, genuinely do not know why, but when I hear a woman talk and she's got a bit of a lisp, I like it, my ears enjoy it. Like, I don't know why, who knows? I don't know anybody in my life in the past that I could kind of trace it back to, you know? It's not like my grandmother had a lisp, so I had a, obviously I had a very close bond to my grandmother. So it wasn't that.

Maybe, maybe, maybe when I was in a children's home, one of the care workers there had a lisp, but it's too long ago for me to remember. So maybe someone that I did see regularly and I perhaps really loved, felt attached to, and that's why I've got that connection. Who knows? I think it's fascinating, but I don't think that's, I don't think it's superficial.

Treating someone a certain way just because of how they look, that's superficial. Only being nice to people because you're attracted to them, superficial. Only giving someone a job because of how they look, superficial.

But then isn't that the workplace, how it used to be? Or isn't it still like that? It might not be based on how big your chest is, or how tall you are, or how strong you, how many muscles you've got, or what kind of special beard you have. But if you go for a job in an office and you don't wear a suit, and you turn up in flip flops or a fireman's costume, kind of like, you know, from the YMCA video, if you turn up like that for your interview, regardless of what qualifications and experience you've got, you possibly won't get the job.

That's superficial, isn't it? I'm almost trying to justify my absolute, just my tongue just hanging out of my mouth earlier on in the day.

With absolute wonder. And you know, I don't care. It's okay to be attracted to people.

And there seems to be sometimes this thing where it's like, oh, you mustn't, you mustn't now. You're now a middle-aged man. You can't be attracted to people you're attracted to anymore.

It does seem to be that. I'll have to pretend. So I don't know what it's like for women, because I've not asked any women this question.

But I know, I've got most of my information from women about how men are supposed to behave when they're middle-aged. Supposed to, apparently. And men are no longer supposed to be attracted to women that they're attracted to.

It's basically what they're saying. And the fact is men, as well as women, are attracted to who they're attracted to. We're just attracted to who we're attracted to.

It doesn't, it's not based on age. It's based on attraction. It's emotion.

Logic don't come into it. I do find it's kind of quite funny, really, because there seems to be this, it seems to be a rule that if you've got kids, and if you've got teenagers, so if a man's got a teenage daughter, and then he's got a, and the daughter's like in her 20s, he can no longer be attracted. So let's say he's got a 25-year-old or a 30-year-old daughter, that morally or legally, societally, he is no, he's not allowed to be attracted to any female of that age.

When the reality is, sorry to break it to you, those that maybe don't know, they are still attracted to women of all ages, regardless of whether they've got kids. So I'm still attracted to, my attraction is broadened as far as the kind of women that I like, because I was at an open mind, to be fair, because I remember looking in the mirror enough times during my adolescence to realize I'm going to have to have an open mind, I'm not going to be able to be too fussy.

So I kind of had an open mind, and even now, there's this girl, and she was young, and I was young at the time, I was what, 19, and she was probably 17, I don't know, something like that, and I didn't ever date her, but we were very huggy, and I really, really liked her.

And ever since, and she had her face, nobody said she had a face, but her face is, whenever I see anybody that looks like her, and I've seen a few people, I become transfixed, because it's almost like, hard to explain, but I've met a few women that have had similar facial features to her. So I don't know if it's just that I was attracted to her face type, or it was just her who I liked, and then surrounded emotion around that facial structure. It might sound strange, you might think, what do you mean facial structure?

Well, I can't explain it, but I could, if I was an artist or a drawer, I could draw a picture, and I could show you exactly, because the image is in my head all, not all the time, I'm not walking around thinking about it all the time, but the image, I remember what she looked like, like perfect image of what she looked like facially.

And so maybe that is superficial, but in a sense, that was based on emotion, because I really liked her. She had a boyfriend, and she got pregnant, and, you know, there was kind of, I think had she not had a boyfriend, and had she not been pregnant, or got pregnant, I might have got together with her, and I might still be with her, who knows, there's no way of knowing, is it? But there is an attraction there between us, even if it was just friends, but we like touching each other, like cuddling, and, you know, which is probably a bit more than just being friends, but there was no romance. And yeah, that makes sense.

But I think I'm trying to avoid talking about the form being filled in. So, so I see this person walking by the other side of the street, wasn't really a big issue, just, oh, hello, just sort of like, oh, it's just a human being, you know, I'm very unsuperficial, so I don't, I'm never attracted to anyone ever, because that would be superficial, and of course, if I was, it'd have to be a 49-year-old female, basically born on exactly the same day, is not allowed to be happy, am I?

I have to limit my happiness to just, so I have to find someone that was born at the end of August, 1970. So I really do believe that everyone should just chill out a bit and just do what makes you happy.

Be with whoever makes you happy. Don't put too many limitations on it. And I love the term, the, what is it, regret is worse than rejection.

I never understood that term until I got a bit older. And I'm not sure if it's someone else's term or I just made it up, but regret is way worse than rejection. And I spent most of my life thinking that rejection was the worst thing, and now at 49, I realized that actually, no, regret.

And the good thing about it is I've still got another 50 years, so I'm only halfway through my life. So I can maybe start looking at moments to not be regretful for, although at the same time, I think it's just healthy to let that stuff go, because it doesn't matter anymore. So imagine, with all that stuff in our heads, you know, all the regrets and, oh, I should have done this, wish I'd done that.

That is the equivalent of just never flushing your toilet, but keep using your toilet, but just never flushing it. Can you imagine the mess? You know, that's pretty much what's going on in our heads when we've got all that regret, or we're thinking about the past, like, come on, just flush that toilet and let it go. Let it go away.

Flush it away. It's not needed. It's not helpful.

It's not useful. Doesn't make you feel wonderful, does it? No, let it go. So I go into the place that's going to help me to fill in my form, get in there.

It's five past one in the afternoon, and at half one, someone comes out and says, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, so I come in. And right from the start, she was in a bad mood, and she told me she was in a bad mood, and she'd had a terrible day. And the first thing she said was, we should have made the appointment at one o'clock, because this is going to take ages, and I like to do things properly, and I don't like to drive home when it's night, when it's dark at night.

And I didn't listen to everything she said, but she had a proper, it's basically, basically had a dump on me, a dump of negatives, negativity, offloaded her annoyance of the day, like, oh, lovely. And I was just trying to hold it together to get through the experience that was about to occur.

And I said to her, okay, right, well, what we need to do, and she went, nope, I'll tell you what we need to do, like, no, it was very much trying to take control, but I just, I was going there, I knew what I wanted to be done, and I was asking for her help to help me, and what I needed from her, which I said is, when I was here two years ago, the man that helped me said that you photocopy all the documents before you send it away, or, you know, give it to

me to send away, and you'll keep it on file, and then next time, you'll have all the information there to make it a bit easier to fill the form in.

So we know what I said last time, two years ago, and she said, no. I said, what? She said, no. I said, how dare you? I didn't, I said, what do you mean? She said, no, it's gone.

What do you mean it's gone? It's been archived. And then she said, besides, I like to fill the form in fresh. I don't want to copy.

And I said, it's not about copying. It's so that I don't contradict myself from last time, which I think is a fairly important thing. So she called in a manager, plus she couldn't get the computer started, and the manager said, oh, no, it's archived.

I don't know why the person told you that. And there was a few things I said. Well, if I'm not mistaken, doesn't archive mean something's stored so at a later date, you can retrieve it? Retrieve.

And she said, we can't be retrieved. And I said, retrieve. Isn't that what archive means? A place that you store something which you can retrieve? Retrieve.

Because if it's not, it therefore means it's just a bin or a shredder. You've destroyed the information. She said, no, it's not been destroyed.

It's been archived. And it's kept at a different place. So I said, well, can't you ask for it to be retrieved? And she said, no, the lady's on holiday.

And I said, there's a lot of obstacles here today, isn't there? A lot of obstacles. And I could feel my calmness somewhat moving in energy. And I said, obstacles everywhere.

Like little land mines. No, we haven't got it. It's been archived.

But even if we could get it, we can't. Because the lady's on holiday. Barbara, she's on holiday.

And we're short-staffed. And anyway, I've had a bad day. I don't need this hassle.

I can't get the computer started. So I kind of had to accept that situation that we needed to fill the form in from scratch. And it's not a case of making stuff up.

Because I'm honest. I try and be honest pretty much most of the time. I know I make stuff up in recordings.

And I say silly stuff. But generally, my condition that I've got is bipolar affective disorder. And I've got emotionally unstable personality traits.

So that's kind of my official diagnosis from my psychologist. And it's kind of weird sometimes, you know, writing down stuff and sort of explaining, trying to explain my situation. And basing it on kind of the worst scenario, the worst day, you know.

And not every day is the worst day. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. So it's really hard to explain to someone, or to write it down, to have it understood.

Because I kind of don't understand it myself, if I'm honest. But a mood, for mood disorder and mood issues, it's changing. That's the whole point is it's extreme changes of mood.

And at one point, I said to her, I'm not a zombie. I guess at one point, she said, it was about all that money. And I said, well, I'm a little bit in debt with online catalog.

And she said, oh, but if you put down that, that'll prove that you've got an interest. So I'm not allowed to have an interest, not allowed to be interested in anything. Because when I'm low, I've got no interest in anything.

So that doesn't make sense to me. It's just like, well, I'm still a human. I'm still alive.

I'm still functioning. When I function, I just don't always function as well as other times. Sometimes I can't function at all.

But I'm still alive. I'm not a zombie. And there are times when I am interested in stuff.

And I've kept this online service that I do, this free podcast and stuff that I've been doing since 2006. I've kept that going for years. I'll admit, I'm not always interested in it.

I've seen times when I've destroyed everything I have. I've destroyed so many different websites and got rid of podcasts, got rid of videos, YouTube channels. So yeah, there are times when I have the complete opposite to being interested in this.

But I keep coming back and I keep going. And this is probably my savior, in a sense. But the idea that I'm not supposed to have anything that I'm interested in.

Because if I'm interested in something, it proves that I'm fine. It's like, what? Really? I see a psychologist regularly. It used to be every week.

Now it's every two weeks. And she seems to be the only person that understands my situation by talking to me, by getting to know me. And she realizes exactly what this lady today said to me.

She stopped at one point and she said to me, so how old are you? I said, 49. She said, are you in a relationship? I said, no. She said, you live on your own? I said, yeah.

I thought she was coming on to me, seriously. And she said something like, how come? How come you're on your own? How come you're not in a relationship with someone? And I said, what do you mean? She said, well, you're quite affable. I don't know what that means.

But you know, she said that something, person, come across as... And that's the thing. That's what bugs me. That's what bugs me.

This is turning to a moan, isn't it? So those of you that it's a little bit different from the average session. I think it seems that it's not just the general public, you know, the stigma. It's not just the general public.

It's the professionals that also seem to have an issue that can't quite grasp the idea that somebody can be sitting in front of them, talking articulately, which I think I pretty much do, looking absolutely fine, not being aggressive, not being you know, being able to interact, being able to communicate, being able to be there, present in that moment, being able to be humorous, being able to be quick-witted, being able to show an interest in that other person. The idea that that person is anything but totally well, it seems to be mind-boggling for a lot of people. And I'm talking about professional people, professional, as in with mental health care.

I'm not talking at all, I'm just saying about some that I've met. They can't get their head around it. You must be fine because you look fine, because you talk fine.

Talking has never been a problem for me. I think I've kind of proved that, although sometimes I can't function to talk and I don't make recordings during that time. But I might make a recording on that day, because after six hours of being in bed, I might actually come out of it with a bit of energy, where I can just sit and make a recording, which takes no physical energy at all.

Just sitting, talking. And because talking comes so naturally to me, and it flows, and in some ways, doing the hypnosis recordings is in some ways easier than actually talking normally. It could give the impression that I'm just faking it.

I'm absolutely fine. That just seems a shame, knowing that if I'm being treated like that, how are other people being treated? And what if they, how do they deal with it? I almost feel lucky that I've got this, not release, because I'm not doing it as a release, but I've got this outlet, this creative outlet that allows me to put energy into helping others, hopefully. And I say hopefully, I get told by people regularly that I'm helping them.

But I don't want to just assume, I can't assume that everyone listens, gets help, because I'm sure that's not the case. But I like to hope that, I like to think that a lot of people do benefit. And also, I know, I really believe that those that don't benefit would not come back and listen.

And I get a regular listeners, I get a regular amount of thousands of listeners every day. So I know that they're not stupid. People that listen to these recordings are intelligent.

And therefore you wouldn't listen unless you were gaining something from it. Just like I wouldn't listen. I listen to Jim Rohn, his audios, I listen, I watch his YouTube videos.

I listen because I gain from it. Not just for the sake of watching it. If I didn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't watch it.

You know, I listened to another one, I forget his name. And he's quite a big name on the motivational circuit. He's done lots of audios and stuff.

I didn't like his voice. I think it was he spoke too quickly for me. That really, which is weird because Zig Ziglar talks quite quickly.

Jim Rohn talks quite quickly sometimes. But he's so slow as well at times he draws out words and it's, I suppose it's just in the delivery. And there's a YouTube hypnotist.

It's a lady, I forget her name. Very, very popular. Very popular.

One of the top YouTube hypnotists. And she almost sounds a bit like a robot. Very kind of monotone, but kind of robotic.

But hugely, hugely popular. And so it's all down to what you like, isn't it? It's some people would prefer to have to hear an American voice. Some people would prefer to hear a Canadian voice.

I'm no doubt that there's people in Scotland that would perhaps prefer to hear a Scottish voice. Or people in Ireland would perhaps prefer an Irish accent. Or someone in Liverpool might prefer a Liverpool accent.

Or in Australia, they might prefer an Australian accent. Or maybe in France, you prefer someone to be speaking in French or German, you know, going on and on like that. So it's whatever, everyone's got their own preference.

And that's not superficial, I don't think. It's just, I love going back to the superficial bit. It's a preference.

We've all got preferences. That's okay. I mean, superficial for me is someone that stops loving someone because they don't look exactly the way they looked when they met them 30 years ago.

And that's superficial. That's just ridiculous. No one looks the same way they did 30 years ago.

So not even me. Not even me. How old was I 30 years ago? So 1989, 1999, 2009, 2019.

So 1989, I was, I'd just turned 19. I think, wow, I'm still a virgin. Can you believe it? Still a virgin.

Until I met Michelle. Michelle, I even remember her surname. I'm not going to say it.

But Michelle, 1990, on the living room floor. I think she was about 23, 24. And of course, I should have dated someone over 19.

I should never have dated someone different age to me. Why should I be happy? But, you know, I broke those rules. I dated her.

I loved her and all that. And, yeah. So I was in this place doing the form.

And it was, it was quite weird because I started off and not being this lady's biggest fan at the beginning. And I probably wasn't. She wasn't my biggest fan.

And then as the time went by, and it did go by, that's the length of a date. You know, we could have had a meal and got drunk in that time and promised to call each other at the end of it and left knowing that neither of us were going to call each other. So I just, it got, it was just, it was just so tiring.

I just didn't, I didn't even know how I was going to get to the bus. I did feel like I couldn't even walk. I just, I went through the questions one after another, and each question had three parts.

And in the end, you know, so what about the closing statement? My closing statement, that's the kind of stuff you have when you apply for a university course. A closing statement to talk about what you offer the course and what you gain from, want to gain from it and all that stuff like that. Come on, man.

So I did, I gave it, and I thought, no, I'm just going to be honest here. I'm going to tell him how it is. So I did.

So, and she just wrote down what I said. In the end, she said, please, please tell me that's all there is. Which is quite weird because 20 minutes earlier, she was saying, we need to have a closing statement.

Can you please tell me something to write down? And after she was right, and she said, that's enough. No more, no more. No more.

So I said, okay. And then she went and photocopied it all. And we had a few laughs with each other during the, during the thing.

At one point she stopped and started talking to me, telling me about stuff about herself. So we kind of, I suppose it was, it's that kind of relationship that you probably build in a lift or an elevator that breaks down. So you're stuck waiting for the engineers to come and fix the, fix it so we can move to the next floor and you can get out.

So to start with, there's that, just not wanting to talk to each other. And then eventually the barriers broke down and kind of, we're stuck in this together. Let's just make the best of it.

And then as we got close to the end, it was like, I was, there was a sense of, we're getting to the near, getting to the end of our sentence here. You know, we've been living in a cell together. Now we get to, get to leave the each other forever.

And then when we did say goodbye, it was like, Oh, it's like the freedom, open the door and you can just walk out into the freedom. And I think she felt that as well. So I, then I went to the post office and it was quite, I don't think ironic's the right word, but I had, I don't know why, but two of my neighbors, I ended up taking packages for them to the post office to, and pay for them to be delivered.

Plus one for myself, which was the one I paid seven pounds. So it got delivered by tomorrow. So I had all these packages to deliver, which is, Oh, so I went into the post office, which had been moved to a different building.

So I had to find that and then went in there and I queued up. Didn't have to wait long. And when I got to the, to the, the window, you know, to the, the, the man that was opposite, he kept calling me, sir.

And in a way that expressed his dissatisfaction with his job, he just really didn't seem very happy. And, or he was having a bad day or something like that. And I said to him, I just, I said, I need to pay for these and do them individually because I needed to get a receipt for each one individually.

And he did all that. He said, the first one, he said, what's in it? I said, I don't know. Who's it from? I don't know.

It's from a friend. I said, I think the first one's got an album in it. What's it of? I don't know.

I really don't know what it was. And the second one, I said, I think that's a CD. What's it of? Don't know.

Because I don't. And I mean, it's not like, well, I mean, if my neighbor had given me a package and it contained something that was going to get me in trouble, it'd be pretty stupid to give it to me because, you know, it's not going to end there. If he's, I'm not going to, I'm not taking a rap for anyone.

And so, you know, he's, he's legitimate. He's genuine. He's a nice person.

He just, he sells albums of himself because he used to, he was a musician in the sixties in the psychedelic movement. So he's quite well known. And he, he's had quite a resurgence lately, quite big in China.

He's been going to China like a couple of times a year. So he's, he sells albums, he sort of, by the internet. And he asked me just to post a couple for him.

And, and then I posted my friend's one and I got a receipt for that. And then I posted mine and I got a receipt for that. And I said, before that, I said, how's, how's the move gone? Like now that you're working from inside here, rather than the other building, he said, looked at me and said, living the dream.

So I thought, okay. And he's, yeah, he looked, he looked quite stressed. So maybe, I imagine doing that kind of job.

I've done, I've had quite a few customer service jobs over the years. And when you're customer facing, it's, there's a certain level of fakeness that needs to be there. Especially if you're like me and you're a bit moody.

Well, I'm probably a lot moody, but, but working in a factory, I could kind of, that was always, I found that easier because I could just get on with the work. Didn't have to talk to anyone. Didn't have to put on a pretend happy face or anything.

Because from the other side, I understand that actually, if someone goes into a shop or post office or newsagents or whatever, they want, they don't want a grumpy person there. They just, you know, they want to see a friendly face because it just makes a difference, I think. So it's, I'm probably not the best customer facing person myself.

I am when I'm, when I'm on one, when I'm in a good mood, when I'm feeling good. Yeah, I'm probably among the best public faces. But, say when I used to do telephone sales, it was easy, easy, easy if I was in a up mood.

But wow, was it a challenge on the days when I wasn't. So then it got to a point where I was kind of faking and ignoring how I was really feeling. And I think it's important that we don't do that.

It's good to address how we're feeling. Don't let it control you, but just address it. Notice.

Make changes. Because for things to change for you, you've got to change. Yeah, baby.

So I did that. I went to the shop, got some food. And I then waited for 25 minutes for the bus.

Got on the bus. It's quite a long bus journey. And I walked home and I could feel every footstep.

I just, oh, it's just. And I felt like I had to have big metal shoes on. And the earth's core was magnetized.

And just my feet were sticking to the ground. Extra, extra amount of, what do you call it? What's that stuff that sticks to the ground? So your brain's gone now. What, leviton? Eviton? Evian? That's water, isn't it? Oh man, my mind's gone completely.

Completely. I kind of fall asleep, I think. Gravity.

Oh dear, I can't believe I forgot the word gravity. Anyway, I got home. I had, see, I thought I'd be all right if I just got home.

Had me tea cakes. I had a couple of tea cakes. And sit down in my chair having them.

And I just relax and I'd be fine. But I couldn't. I needed to lay down.

So I never lay down just after I've eaten, but I couldn't not. I had to lay down. I couldn't, even laying back in a chair wasn't enough.

I had to move from being awake to being asleep to, plus I had a headache as well. I took some tablets for that. But I needed to remove, remove, almost wipe away the day by going to sleep.

And that's what happened. I fell asleep and it was about half six. I woke up at half nine.

I really did feel different. I felt a lot different. I felt not fully recovered, but definitely took the edge off once I'd had some sleep.

And what I did tonight, something that I don't normally do. I don't normally get takeaway food, but I treated myself to a pizza. And it's in the, in Domino's, they do a Tuesday two for two or two for one.

So you buy one pizza, you get two pizzas. So you get the second one free. So what I did is I bought sweet corn and pineapple pizza for myself and I ordered another one and I gave it to my neighbor downstairs because I didn't want to eat two pizzas.

One's enough for me. So I gave that one away, but I wasn't going to get just one pizza and pay for that when I can get two for the same price. So I gave that to him, came back, had my pizza.

I felt better after that as well because it was a nice, I know it's carbs, but I felt physically and emotionally actually a bit uplifted after eating the pizza. And it is my favorite pizza, sweet corn, pineapple. I rarely have it, you know, once a year, maybe if that.

So it's not like a regular thing due to the cost. It's too expensive. But I just felt I had to, because I couldn't face cooking.

I couldn't, I couldn't just, the idea of even just heating the oven up and putting something in there for 50 minutes or 40 minutes. I just couldn't face it. So I had the pizza and watched a little bit of telly while I was eating that.

I feel really relaxed. I feel really relaxed. And I took a medication with the pizza because I didn't take any yesterday.

So I didn't eat, I didn't have any meal yesterday. So I only took a medication when I have a meal. And for some reason yesterday I didn't, I forgot.

And then I thought, because I wasn't expecting to make any recordings today, I wasn't sure if I'd make any this week really, because I hadn't really been feeling it. But then I thought, you know what? I will, I'll just make a let me bore you to sleep. But at the beginning, as I did just to kind of let you know that I'll be talking about some, not serious stuff, I suppose some of it's kind of serious, but just more kind of a bit more real than sometimes I do.

I did, I did say that at the beginning. And that brings me to the end of this recording. So thank you for listening and I will be back again soon.

And the next one will be silly. I'll make sure it's extra silly. So thanks for listening.

Lots of love. And remember to be kind to yourself. And remember, I'm going to continue it, remember, don't put limitations on your own happiness, because you deserve to be happy.

Bye.