#196 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (15th August 2019)

Hello and welcome to LetMeBoreYouToSleep.com My name is Jason Newland, this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyelids Now, if you would like to support this free service Just please go to the website and there's a link that you can click for Paypal Be my Paypal pal I'd like to say thank you to Susan Who, what's the word we use, gifted me some cash so that I can pay towards the £152 a month It costs to run all the different websites and podcasts and stuff that I do Now,

yesterday all my trouble seemed so far away And I was reading a book about knots Didn't get very far into the actual book You could say I read one paragraph You could say that, you could say I read three quarters of the book Doesn't really matter does it, what you say, it's just, it's just words So it's 4.

30 in the morning Which is about the time that I normally would kind of do a recording But this is the third, no, what have I done so far This is the fourth recording tonight that I've done So I did a requested recording for, someone sent me a message saying would you help Would you make a recording helping me to deal with a breakup, a relationship breakup So I did a session today called Ideas on Dealing with a Relationship Breakup Very creative title, I'm sure you agree And I did that and it lasted about 50,

50 minutes I was only going to do about half an hour But as it turned out I could have talked for about five hours on that subject So, but I didn't because I figured listening to me for five hours Talking about relationship breakups would be worse than any relationship breakup Listening to me for five hours, I didn't, I just sort of kept it relatively short At just under an hour It's, if I can imagine that, someone listening to me for five hours and saying I'm going back to, I'm going back to my boyfriend He may

be an idiot but oh, it's got to be better than listening to this bloke And then I did a deep sleep whisper hypnosis session Which was number 129 And I haven't done one for about four days I think That was about 22 minutes long Then I did a, I actually did another request But this was for the, what's it called, relaxation hypnosis for stress, anxiety and panic attacks podcast And someone sent me a message recently asking me to do a recording about hypochondria and stuff like that So that's what I did So I did that

and it lasted for about, I think that was about 50 minutes, it might have been longer Yeah, about that And then, so I uploaded all that stuff, edited it, uploaded it onto the web, different websites Onto the podcast And now Andre's really making a noise And again, it's my fault I actually had to pause the recording there Go into the bathroom, remove the mop bucket from the floor because he was pushing it around And you can hear him in the background He's basically, he's angry with me Because I've just given him a bath And a

shower, kind of a bit of both And the reason, the only reason I did that Is because he'd picked up some kind of ticks or maybe even fleas, I don't know what they were But he was riddled with them And this is very recent Because I'm cuddling him all the time and I'm looking through his fur all the time So he must have picked them up going through the grass yesterday or through some bushes or something Because I take him out sometimes three times a day And he's just rubbed himself over everything Basically if he

was human he'd be arrested constantly So what I did is Because I've got special shampoo for him and everything so Special ferret shampoo Just letting you know Wondre is a ferret in case you think that I've got a four year old son that I'm That's covered in fleas and I'm using ferret shampoo on him No, he's a ferret I don't think they were fleas, I think they were ticks Anyway, there's a lot of them in the bath water now Because I gave him the best scrub he's ever had Seriously, I really gave him a good

scrub And they were clinging to him but they were clinging to his fur And he'd been bitten a few times and stuff so he's kind of scratching himself But now I think they're gone, most of them are gone It's quite weird because nowhere else it's just on him It's like they're just clinging, they want him, they don't want me So I think they're just, sometimes it happens with ferrets and same with cats and dogs They pick up stuff when they're in the garden But he's never had them before I've had him for four years, never

happened before He's had the odd tick that kind of attaches itself to him He's now eating his dinner So what he does when he's had a bath and he does this every single time He hates baths And he struggles the whole time And he makes such a big fuss about it When I finished, it doesn't last long It lasted a little bit longer today because I was really going through his fur and giving him a good scrub Making sure that I was washing every single part of him Even those parts that we don't like to

talk about Just making sure that I got everywhere so that he was clean, proper clean Which I think I might need counselling for To get over it Straight away he starts trashing the place Making as much noise as he can Scratching up at the carpet, stuff that he doesn't normally do Here in the background now he's going to be going through his tunnel And he's going to be scratching at it And he wasn't doing that before I put his bag in the washing machine so I'm going to wash that tomorrow Because that's the bag he

spends a lot of time sleeping in And I'll get him some flea repellent stuff tomorrow At the pet shop, just in case it was fleas So I did all this just for him, I didn't want to be giving him a bath and a shower because I had a hose as well I had to kind of use the spray to get to him because he's wiggling all over the place And I didn't want to do that at four o'clock in the morning I probably should have done it in the evening really, like yesterday But I picked

him up and I saw there was like I saw one that looked like an ant yesterday And I thought, ah that's alright, it's just a creepy crawling God, it's making so much noise He's really got the ump with me But then I picked him up and he was like, he had quite a few of them, like oh no, that's it So it's almost like I've taken You hear him, he's really getting He's not even walking quietly It's like he's stamping, you're like a little kid You know when you're a kid and you get sent to

your bed And you just stamp on the floor really loudly, really slowly as you walk upstairs Making every single footstep count Well that's what he seems to be doing Except he's not walking up the stairs and he's not being sent to his room And he's not an adult, well he's not a child, he's not human Apart from that it's exactly the same scenario And he just, he's gone now, I don't know where he's gone But he went to the bathroom and started pushing And it's not, it's a metal Mop bucket, so it makes noise And

he's banging it and he's banging it against the sink, the bottom of the sink Now he's gone and got the slipper, which is his girlfriend's head And he's gonna, he's basically gonna be I don't know the right word to say it but He's gonna be using a carrier bag for the body, that's all I'm gonna say And he's gonna make as much noise as he can Because he knows that I'm recording And he's doing this purposely He is, he can't keep looking over at me now and then Are you annoyed yet?

Have I annoyed you enough yet? Well it's nothing compared to how I felt in the bath Now he's banging against the radiator Well if the neighbour complains I'm not answering the door I'm just gonna ignore the door if it goes Your ferret's making a lot of noise tonight Yeah I know He's purposely pulling everything back so he's against the radiator He's so vindictive And spiteful You don't need me to talk really do you?

For all that noise He really makes this much noise I just put it on pause again Picked him up, moved him into the bedroom Walked back in there And he's run straight back in If only you could see the visual that I'm seeing It would probably be more enjoyable for you Because it's funny, funny to watch So that's what my evening has been And that's him being naughty For the last 20 minutes Before that, before I gave him the bath he was fine Absolutely fine, he's been asleep nearly all the time Been going out for

walks, I think he's had two today Which he's been happy doing that But now, oh no Blimey So My chair is getting squeakier It's all gone downhill I got a letter through the post today Most letters do come through the post And it said that I'm going to get a new door A new front door Now for some people that's not as exciting as it sounds But a new front door That filled me with wonderment Because I live in a council flat And I'm grateful to have this place But the door is a bit grimy

It's like one of those old fashioned brown doors With a window And you know, you can't see who it is Without actually them seeing you So I'm going to get this new door It'll have a peephole I'll be able to look through it Which is kind of nice, someone blocks the peephole They just don't get answered So if they put their thumb in front of it or whatever They don't get to see me So that'll be good, nice And these doors are really secure as well And And I think it's just standard white Because of

the company that do it And basically When I moved in here a few years back I've been here for It'll be five years in April I'm putting him up for adoption tomorrow He's doing my head in Five years ago in April So it's next April So it's four and a half years or whatever I've lived here And all of the doors are the same Not just one door Not everyone shares one door to get into their flat It's like take turns I'd like to lock my flat today, okay You lock your door on Monday You

can have the front door on Tuesday But when I moved in there was two One flat Had a new door being put in Downstairs And then another one had a new door being put in Shortly afterwards Or maybe a year Get to my age, ten years is like a month It's not at all, don't know why I said that And But nobody else And I thought, I wonder why nobody else has got a new front door Well one of the flats is obvious Because it's privately owned So the council are not going to replace that

door Because it costs It's not like huge money For a front door But it's including the Fitting of it and stuff You're probably talking about a thousand pounds or something Maybe three hundred, I don't know, I've got no idea And that's it, now he's under his positions himself So that he can do what he's doing But also move his tail so it bangs against the radiator So the whole block of flats can hear him Because all the radiators are connected aren't they In these little places I love him so much but you know what I'm

going to have to listen to that That relationship recording that I did Just to kind of get myself calmed down Or make a new one What do you do when you want to chuck your ferret out the window So So this new door, basically what the council is going to do Is they're going to send A surveyor from the window company They make windows and doors Basically that's a salesperson To see whether or not I need a new door I bet you anything In fact I will give you A hundred pound for every person That

they went to see That they came back to the council and said No they don't need a new door, their door's fine Their old door's okay, we don't need to put a new one in I'll give you a hundred pound for each person Each time that happened Because it's never happened Guarantee Guarantee it's never happened So Maybe they've got a little backhanders going on I shouldn't say that should I Of course I'm sure that's not happening So So I'm grateful, I think it's really cool I get to, they're going to come in I guess measure

the door All doors are, well I'm not all doors are the same size Because I'm sure some doors, smaller doors Are not as big as bigger doors are they So I guess it's all to do with the gap isn't it Because some gaps In my experience Not all gaps are the same size You know sometimes you can Easier access than others Sometimes you've got to, well I've really had to crouch down Because I'm five foot eight So I'm quite lucky I can walk through most doorways And ignore the mind your head sign Because I generally

just walk straight under Unless I'm wearing my bouncy shoes I've got these shoes with springs on Then it's different Or stilts Or if I'm on my pogo stick You know generally, or if I'm wearing my top hat So it depends But then The thing is because it's made of felt I can dent quite easily So But I have banged my head a few times Which is probably prevalent, probably obvious in fact By the content of these podcasts But I've took a few knocks to the head Over the years As I shaved my head When was

it?

Probably about four days, five days ago At the weekend I think it was Probably, I don't know, Saturday or Sunday Or something like that It's Thursday now So I shaved my head And I'm always I don't always shave it As close as I did this time So I've got this new shaver It's electric But it's quite a close shave And I could see some of the dents in my head So that was kind of interesting Can you hear them in the background? This is probably the worst sleep session ever What do I do?

I should probably put a little notice Warning in the title Warning there should be a ferret A shagging ferret In the background Which is exactly what he's doing right now He's humping I'm just being honest, this is what he's doing He's got an old slipper of mine It's his girlfriend basically A yellow case of mine And a t-shirt of mine And he's Yeah Basically trying to create as much Sound as he can I tried to put him into the other room to do it But he just followed me into here He doesn't do anything I

say Ever The only thing he does Is When I say to him, ignore me, Andre, ignore me He's very good at that, follows that order really well But he If we play fighting And he gets a bit rough And I say Gentle Gentle, and I only got to say it like three times Sometimes forty But generally only a couple of times And then he starts licking my fingers and being just gentle Instead of biting them So that's quite good And the other thing he does is when we're walking And I'll say to him And he'll

kind of sniff at my feet And I'll say, do you want me to carry you?

And he looks at me and I ignore him I said no, until he does things that basically He puts both of his hands On my legs To let me know that he wants me to pick him up So I do that, but I only do it when he does that And also, yeah, another thing is If I say give daddy kisses He licks He licks the end of my nose, which is weird But he's been doing that since he was a baby And he understands no And stop He must have, he's heard it enough times He just ignores it Although sometimes if I'm If I'm really firm He does listen, sometimes But I'm really firm That sounds wrong, doesn't it?

I'm really, you know Just a little boy, isn't he?

I don't know I'm not into shouting and stuff like that That's just ridiculous But sometimes It makes me so angry Like tonight particularly Because when I make a recording I don't mind there being a little bit of sound In the background When I make these recordings But not the level that there is tonight He's basically on a big wind-up So I should have the new door probably By the end of the month Which would be good It's one of those that slam on their own So if you just let it close, it closes and slams

And shakes the whole building So that's really cool But it's like really It's one of those that you lock And it has all these different locks within it Lock I don't know what other words to describe lock Locks, the locking locks With locks And It's just getting Even noisier It's just All I can do is apologise For the background music really This could be a new thing, couldn't it?

Imagine if this took off, everybody would be doing it We'd go on YouTube ASMR with background ferret shagging Grimy Oh the other thing The mouse is back So we had Had an invasion of mice in this building A couple of years ago We only had one And Andre Basically a mouse doesn't want to be in this flat with him It's the last thing any mouse would want So they don't kind of really If this one got into the Into the living room, I think by accident I think this is going to be a short recording

Just because of the amount of Background Noise It's actually distracting me Normally I don't get particularly distracted by stuff Anyway there's The mouse is back And in my kitchen cupboard One's been inside there And there's nothing in there But I basically can get between the flats through the kitchen Like holes in the kitchens or whatever So that's a bit grim But It's weird really I don't really like mouses But I've got this ferret Running around Mind you I don't particularly like him at the moment Either Sometimes when I've given him a bath He lets off

the worst stinks Because he's trying to get his smell back Because the shampoo takes away his smell But he hasn't done that yet tonight So Anyway I'm going to go because I'm going to have to move him into the bedroom Because he's making too much noise in here I don't want the neighbours complaining I'll see you again next time Bye