#198 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (18th August 2019)

Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

I don't mean just like, you know when your eyes are closed but you're kind of looking through, you're still kind of peeking. I mean when you actually got your eyes closed. No peeking.

And there are no longer any websites. I don't mean in the entire world, I mean for me, I've got rid of every single website. Because basically, this is not very interesting.

I know it's not supposed to be but I just got, I can't afford to keep doing it. I can't afford to run this free service and the way I was. So I've eliminated pretty much everything except the podcast.

Not just this podcast or, you know, I've still got all the 45 podcasts. So the only thing I'm paying for now other than broadband internet is the Spreaker podcast. Where all my stuff is and then it's distributed throughout the internet, you know, on various podcast hosts like Spotify and iTunes and all that stuff.

So part of the reason for that is because I had some money. I actually had a donation or a gift. It's not more of a gift rather than donation because I'm not a charity but I was gifted $25 which ended up being about 18 pounds.

And I didn't take it, I didn't transfer it into my bank straight away. I waited two days. Or maybe one day, I don't know.

But if I'd transferred it straight away, I could have gone to the bank and drew that. There would have been enough there to draw out £20 because I had a couple of pounds left in there. So that would have been £20 in my pocket.

But I left it too late and I had £27 taken out of my account before. So I was minus £29 or something. So when I did put the PayPal money in, I still owed £7.

Well, I don't know, something like that. So it's a bit annoying. And then I had my stepmum's birthday party to go to and I couldn't afford to go, which was today.

And this is weird, I owed my dad £15. I'm an adult, you know, I'm nearly 49. But I owed my dad £15 towards my stepmum's birthday present because they got this lovely bracelet and me and all the other kids put in £25 each.

So I'd already given my dad £10 when I saw him last. Plus there's a travel of £12 to get there. So in the end, I borrowed £50 off a friend until Wednesday when I get paid.

And I went up there and actually, so it's last night. André's just come to do a poo, lovely. I can't believe such a small little creature like him can be so heavy footed.

And now he's scratching again, so I have to check him out, make sure he hasn't got fleas again. That's going to annoy me. I'm grumpy.

I just had one of the best days of the year and I'm moaning. So last night, I just thought, that's it, I'm going to have to get rid of everything. Cut down every expense that I don't need to pay for.

So I got rid of Netflix, Amazon Prime. Yeah, but I had Amazon Music as well, as well as all the websites, all the other podcasts and just got rid of everything. So I'm still on YouTube and I've still got the, you know, the podcast.

What's weird though, and I don't know why, the stats have gone down massively today. I've got like, yeah, 1,600 or something downloads. Well, yesterday rather.

So instead of the 2,500 that I kind of normally get, surely the websites weren't giving me that many downloads. And there's no longer any advertising on the podcast as well. So there's, it's, I'm kind of, everything's now on a, what do they call it, a shoestring.

Everything's now just still running. I'm still going to make the podcasts, but that's kind of it. I'm not going to be, I've determined I'm never going to make, ever make another website ever again.

And I spoke to my brother today, my little brother. He's not little, but he's younger. He's bigger than me, but he's younger.

He's big, massive. Do you know the, do you know Ghostbusters? You know that big, big tire man? That's what he's, no, he's not like that. But he's, I'd say he's bigger than me.

He's got to be, only a good 15, 16 stone. He's a big, strong, strong young lad, strong young lady. And he actually is an IT professional.

That's what he does for a living. And he builds websites and all that stuff. And I've said to him, never, ever make another website ever again.

That's it. I'm done with websites. I'm done forever.

And I said to him, in the future, if I do need a website, you know, I just said to him, can I need you to do it for me? And he said, no. I said, please. He said, no.

But then just as I left, he said, yeah, I'll do your website. But it won't be, maybe in a few years. I can't foresee me really needing a website, unless I start selling something.

And I don't mean the kidneys. I mean, if I started selling like books or courses or MP3s, videos, I don't know. If I started doing that.

But yeah, I'm never, ever, ever going to build another website. That's it. And I can build websites really quickly.

But I'm not doing it no more. I'm done. I'm done, done, done, done, done with that.

So I'm going to just going to continue making podcasts and helping people with it, you know, if I can. And not so much getting back to basics, because I like to think that I kind of have progressed from basics, you know, back in 2006. But yeah, I'm just going to make the recordings, stick them online.

And that's it. I'm just going to continue doing what I was doing anyway. But what's weird about it is, I really struggle to watch television without doing something else.

I'm so used to watching television, or a movie or whatever it is, while I'm online, like building a website or doing something like that. And to just sit here, looking at that television screen, and to not do anything else. I find a bit boring.

A little bit like, it's not really stimulating me, you know. So I don't know, maybe I need to do more press ups. Who knows? I don't know.

So, but yeah, so that's it. Websites are all gone, forever and ever and ever. Although I am going to keep the domain name.

So jasonnewland.com is going to stay with me forever. I'm never getting rid of that. So that in the future, if I do need a website, that will be my domain name.

I'm going to keep that. So I'll just pay that yearly. 20 quid or a year, whatever that is.

And it's probably more than that, actually, about £28 a year. Or is it £94? I don't know. So yeah, so I'm not going to pay for anything else.

Because, that's it. I've got enough for food, bills, and that's, you know, it's kind of a shame because I do actually enjoy the website. Website? Website side of things.

A bit. But then, I find myself getting really caught up in it. You know, to the point of being hungry, but not wanting to stop.

Because I'm sort of in the middle of doing something or needing to go to bed, but kind of wanting to sort of stay awake because I want to finish what I'm doing. Which, on some level, I think is a really good thing. You know, that's passionate, isn't it? Being passionate about something and, you know, wanting to really kind of get it done.

So I've now freed my brain up a bit. And I'm going to start making some more, well, I can't really make any more recordings of what I'm already doing. Because I've been doing like probably three a day recently.

But I'm going to maybe look at some new kinds of things I can do. Because I know that some people really like these ones, the Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Some people really like the deep sleep whisper hypnosis sessions.

So yeah, some people really like the anxiety ones as well, the relaxation hypnosis for anxiety, obviously stress, anxiety and panic attacks. So they're popular also. So those three kind of podcasts are probably the most popular ones.

But there's probably other stuff that I could do as well. I'd like to do more chronic pain relief. But I don't want to spend time making recordings that no one listens to.

And the pain relief podcast just isn't popular. It's not, it's not got hardly any listeners. So it's as if the only thing that the only real thing that people like what I do is the sleepy stuff.

And in a way, in a way, I would say that my chronic pain relief stuff is better than the sleepy stuff. Maybe not, I don't know. I'd also say that I reckon the I've mentioned this the other day, I think the some of the longer recordings I did for the hypnotic buffet, hypno chats, healing hypnosis, live from my bedroom, you know, things like that were really good, like quite, quite deep in some ways.

Which doesn't really go together with this podcast, I know. Right, I've been serious long enough. Let's just talk about family.

So I managed to borrow some money yesterday from a friend. Unfortunately, the problem with borrowing money from someone on the phone is you then got to listen to them for about an hour talking about their life. So yeah, I kind of used up a fair bit of my phone credit on that.

And it's not just listening, you've got to kind of pretend to be interested. But it's okay. And so I intended to go, you know, I thought, yeah, I've now got 50 pound, which left me with 40 pound because 10 pound went out of my account straight away.

I went up to the bank, got to the cash machine last night, drew out 40. That's all I could take out. And I thought, oh, and I think I had 15 pounds still, so I had 55 pounds altogether.

And then I went to the shop. I think and I got some, what did I get? I got a few bits from the shop. So I got some hot cross buns or some tea cakes.

Or was that the day before? Might be in the day before. No, I'm pretty sure it was yesterday, because I walked down the country lane. And I didn't take Andre with me.

I just went on my own. Or did I? No, I didn't. I got the bus.

That's it. I got the bus there. And then I waited and got the bus back.

That's it. Yeah. So I got the bus to because I was waiting around in the rain for about 15 minutes.

And I got the bus to the shops. I got some tea cakes, and this was last night, I'm pretty sure. Or like yesterday afternoon time, late afternoon.

This, this is Friday, not Saturday. Because to me, this is still Saturday, even though it's Sunday at 4.502 in the morning. And, yeah, I got on the bus, got there, got off the bus, I crossed the road.

So I remember I pressed the left hand traffic light sign, instead of the right one. Not instead of the right, I didn't, not the wrong one, instead of the right one, but the left, instead of the right, because there's, there's a big knob you can touch on either side. So I touched the one on the left.

And the traffic stopped, I crossed. And I went to see what time the next bus was. And there's plenty of time.

So I walked to the shop, got what I needed. And then I waited for the next bus and, again, I think I waited for about 15 minutes for that one. But this time there was shelter.

And I don't mean like the homeless charity, I mean, there's, there's shelter, like a bus, shelter, did they call it? Yeah, bus shelter. The thing is, this isn't very good, because the buses, it's like on a, it's like a little, I don't know what you want to call it, a corner where the bus comes round. So the buses can't see the bus stop until it's pretty much there already.

And it goes right past unless you put your hand out. I mean, you could have a stick with a big like flappy fake hand, and like stick out in the road, but it's a hassle to carry around. So it's a case of just keeping your eye out, and then quickly jumping out.

Not like jumping out of the bushes, you know, rain mack, but, but just because otherwise you've got to stand further up. So the bus can see you, but it means getting wet. And there's all these bushes, these trees that block the view of seeing when the bus is coming, so that you see it just as it's coming.

So literally, you know, the first thing you see is it coming towards you. Well, not toward, but like, you know, past you on the road. And then this lady came along, and she saw, she's talking to me, and she sits down.

And then she's looking at her phone. So I'm the one on doing the lookout for the bus. I think we should have took turns.

Why is it up to me? When the bus did turn up, I kind of partly felt like just ignoring it and letting it go past. But then that would have kind of messed me up as well. So logic won over spitefulness yet again.

So then I, yeah, so I begged for the £50. And I went to the cash point to get some money out. So I got that out.

And I came home. I always find it's good to get back. And I just wasn't sure what to do.

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get out of bed or whether I wanted to go and do this, you know, go up and visit family today, or yesterday, the day ahead from where I was then. And then I spent the next few hours deleting all the websites and everything like that. And about three o'clock, I felt tired and I went and had a lay down.

And I woke up about eight o'clock. And I thought, hmm, I can go, can't I? I can, I could just go there. Which is what I did.

So I got ready, had my breakfast. I did leave it a little bit late. So I missed the bus.

So I needed to walk to the train station. And by the time I got there, I was all sweaty, which is, it's not always a good start to the day. So it was, yeah, I was just sweaty.

And I got, I got there with about five minutes before the train was going to arrive. And there was a queue of people, not only outside on the machine, but also inside. And a lady came up to me and she said, are you in the queue? And I think she said, is this the queue? I said, I hope so.

And I don't know if that came across as rude. I didn't mean it rudely, just factually, because I'm queuing. So if I'm in the wrong queue, or if I'm, if it's not a queue, and it's just people just standing there randomly, you know, then it wouldn't be great.

But yeah, I got my ticket. It moved fairly quickly. And the train came, got on the train.

And there was two trains to catch, not at the same time. But the first one took me somewhere, and then the next one took me to the next, you know, where I was going. And when I sat down on the first train, and yeah, I'm not sure if it was the train, the first or the second train, but I sat down at one point, and someone sat opposite me.

And I can't, I just look around, I'd like to know what's going on, who's around me. But then someone sat and there was this, I had my earphones in, just listening to Jim Rohn, who's a motivational speaker. So I like to feel motivated when I'm traveling on a train.

Quite motivational. It's not specific for me. You know, it's not like he's saying, go on, Jason, you can sit there.

You can continue sitting there, look out the window. Just sit there. It wasn't that kind of motivation.

But there was someone behind me on the phone, talking loudly. I actually thought it was a tannoy system. But it wasn't, it was the person behind me.

So I thought, oh, nah. I thought I can't want to move. But then I put my hand down and my hand was wet.

So the seat was wet. It might have been the condensation from my water bottle. But you know, I wasn't going to take chances.

I did have a little sniff of my finger. But you know, to be fair, whenever I sniff my finger, I'm not really sure what I'm smelling. So I kind of, I didn't want to take the chance.

So I got up and moved to a different part of the carriage. And then I thought, oh, does this look like I'm being rude? But I kind of got over that thought quite quickly. And then on the way back on the train, no, it would have been the first train, not the second train.

The first, on the way back, there was some man, well, I guess by the amount of hair on the hand, it was a man, actually had his hand right behind him. So he was in front of me, sitting in front of me, but he had his hand wrapped behind the headrest. So I was basically facing his hand.

And I'm pretty sure there's no actual legal laws that says that that's not acceptable. But I'm pretty sure there's some social laws, unspoken, that you don't do that. I was like, what on earth are you doing? Because for me, when I'm sitting in a chair, or you know, seat in a bus or train, that space between me and the back of the seat is mine.

It's not mine. I don't own it. But I feel like I'm kind of renting it temporarily for that space of time that I'm occupying that space of the seat.

And wrapping his hand, it's like, do you remember the Mr. Tickle books? The Mr. Man books? It was like, that's what his arm was like, wrapped around the chair about seven times. What is he doing? But I just, it's like, I couldn't understand it. It's just, it's like, what? Honestly, I was expecting to start tickling my knees.

Like, what are you doing? Get off me. Okay, we'll carry on. But just be quick.

It's like, just very strange. So I get to, I got off the first train there, on the way there. And there's about half hour wait until the next train that I'm catching.

So I'm just waiting around. And I go out, I go out of the train station for 10 minutes. And the train inspector, not the, not, but he's, he worked on the, I don't know what you want to call him.

He's station worker or whatever. And so you've got all these barriers, you have to put your card through to get through. So I knew that I couldn't put my card through because that was only half the journey.

There's a chance it could have took my card. So I said to him, excuse me, mate. I've got a card here.

And I just want to go outside for a bit. Is that all right? And he said, yes, my friend. And he let me through.

So I went outside. Lovely day, really nice out it was. It wasn't bad inside, but it was really nice outside.

And quite busy, you know, Saturday afternoon. Or actually I suppose it's still Saturday morning, but it's getting, it was probably about half 10 in the morning. And it looked like people were getting ready to go to the football.

Not everybody, but the pub opposite the train station had three doorman swapping jokes and I guess they were laughing and stuff. And I think that they would probably only be there, they'd only have security on the doors during the day when there's football. So I mean, they probably just swap, just swapping prison stories or something, but they were having fun anyway.

And I went back inside. I tried to put my card going back in and it refused it. It went like that.

So I thought, okay, because I do understand Morse code. And the ticket man, he was still there. I guess he hadn't finished his shift yet.

And I said, hello there fella. Yeah, he's not letting me in. I saw you earlier.

But he just, he didn't seem as friendly towards me. And I thought, well, it's only been at the most 12 minutes. I mean, I can't, I can't imagine that I'd have done anything to offend him in that time.

I mean, what I did was just go outside. It's not like I went outside and started kind of mimicking him. I don't know how I would, I don't know, I just met him.

Even the best mimics, you need to know the person a little bit, wouldn't you? Before you start sort of imitating them. I suppose, mind you, I could have just like, have you got a ticket? Have you got a ticket? Have you got a ticket? Because that would have been quite a good imitation. So he let me through.

I had a ticket. And then I went into the shop, which was inside the train station. And I thought to myself, you know what, gonna get myself some mince.

I don't mean mincemeat. I mean, like mince, as in, you know, mince, menthos, you know. So I got them and then I thought, ah, perhaps I'll get myself a bottle of Coke.

And I went and looked and I wasn't sure how much they were. So I walked up to the counter. Well, I partly walked, partly skipped, but you know, got to the counter.

And I said to the lady, you all right lady? She said, yes, thanks fella. And I said, how much is this bottle of Coke? And she said, it's two pound 15. And I said, oh.

And she looked at me. She said, oh, is it too much for you? Can't you afford such a huge amount of money? Oh, poor you. She patted me on the head.

So I put it back. I said, no, I refuse to pay two pound 15 for a bottle of Coke. And she said, why? I said, because I've got one pound 95.

That's all I've got. She said, fair enough. And we danced for a little bit, you know, a little bit of a slow dance, and had some music playing.

It was a lady in red. So whenever that plays, I always sort of kind of try and dance with whoever's around. I've made lots of friends that way.

I've been arrested a few times, but you know, generally, generally works out. Okay. And so then I went up to the train platform that my next train was going to come.

But there was lots of people waiting for a train that was the one before mine. And I thought, nah, nah, I'm not waiting with this lot. So I went into the, like a waiting room.

Not like a doctor's waiting room, where doctors work, or a dentist waiting room, or solicitors waiting room. It's basically just, it's like a greenhouse, but without tomatoes in it. But without being a greenhouse.

And there's like three sets of seats. And so I sit in one. I'm not going to sit where other people are sitting.

So I sat the other side, and the seat collapsed. Not like completely on the floor and anything like that big. It just fell back.

It was really weird. It's like some kind of fairground ride. And I thought, I'll sit forward and it'll be all right.

It's only for a short term. And at the time, there was two people sitting there opposite me, and they were reading their papers, or pretending to read their papers. I don't know.

I lost sense that they were watching me. Probably not. And then this big tall man comes in.

He sits on the remaining bench of seats, sits down. And I'm just sitting there and just thinking, probably only about 20, no, probably, I don't know, 20 minutes to the next train, to my train. And then there's this almighty bang inside this little thing, this little waiting room thing.

And I looked over and it was this man, and he basically just closed his glasses case. He's got his case and he's just closed it. It's one of those that snap closed.

He did that on purpose. You don't have to let them bang like that. I was astonished.

I was like, what are you doing? Where is your head right now? Why would you do that in public? It makes so much noise. All the things I didn't say to him. And then a young lady comes in, sits down, eats something.

I think it's a sandwich. She basically inhales it. It's as if she had some kind of weird thing in her mouth that just melted the food.

She just like pushed it in. It's like a magic trick. You know when people put something like a big balloon and they push it into their mouth, that's what she did with the food.

It just disappeared. But there was no jaw movement. I mean, you know, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm just, it is just a bit surprising. I mean, I wasn't staring it up, but I was kind of using my peripheral vision to observe. And then she got up and left.

So probably to get more food, I imagine. And then I went out and I waited for the train. And about another 10 minutes and they got there.

Because I wasn't enjoying the waiting room. It wasn't really everything I'd hoped it would be. So I went and stood on a platform.

And eventually the train came and I got on the train and it took me to where I was going. Everything kind of worked out okay. There was this woman on there and she had blonde hair.

It was really quite striking. I don't mean she had like a placard saying, we won't go back to work till we get our pay rise. But she was, she looked a bit like, is it Agonita from ABBA? She had that kind of, I quite liked that look.

I like, you know, not really that fussy, but I quite like the Swedish kind of look. Something about it. I don't know why that is.

And obviously I like Spanish girls. So, you know, that's the complete opposite, isn't it? From being like really fair skin and blonde to dark skin and dark hair and brown eyes. I'm just anyone that's willing to kind of put up with me really.

So I smiled at her on the way out and she grimaced. And so then I went to the garage because a garage there, a petrol station, and I thought, I'll get a bottle of Coke here because it'll be cheaper. And I went and I've tried to figure out which one was which.

And they had a different section. They had all these different flavoured Cokes, but then one different section with a bunch of letters underneath, which basically represented the sugar tax. So it's more expensive.

And I said to, there's this young lady who's working, she's, I think she's standing on the ladder. And I've got a rule. If I see someone standing on a ladder, I like to disturb them.

You know, just disrupt what they're doing. It's just one of those ongoing hobbies of mine. And I said, do you know how much that bottle of Coca-Cola is? So she had to get down the ladder, stop what she's doing, disrupting her flow.

And she came over, I don't mean her flow, I'm talking about working wise. I don't know any internal stuff going on. But she came in and she said, she didn't come in, she was still there.

And we went over to the, I mean, it wasn't a long journey. It was like two footsteps to the counter where the Cokes were, the fridge. And she said, oh, that's where the sugar tax is.

That's about one pound. It's like 40, 50 pence more. And I said, oh, I didn't want to say that I've only got, I didn't have enough.

You know, I really only want to spend about 150. And she said, well, why don't you get one of them? And before she, when she said that, I thought, don't start trying to push me onto something different. I know what I want.

I want a bottle of Coke. You know, I kind of knew straight away. She said, well, why don't you get the Diet Coke or the Zero Coke or the Pepsi? What about a lemonade? What about a packet of crisps? And I thought, no, you know, it's like, I know what I want.

I don't need you to recommend something else. That's what I was thinking. But I thought, I'll look down anyway because she's recommending.

And she pointed towards a much bigger bottle of Coke that was just one pound. So a bottle that was twice the size of the one that was one pound, 90 or two pound or whatever. And I thought, wow, I remember saying to her, that's ridiculous, isn't it? And she said, well, no, I'm just trying to help you out.

I said, no, no, I mean, it's not, you're not ridiculous. It's ridiculous selling something twice the amount for one pound to the other. She said, yeah, I know.

I don't know why that is. I said, do you want to go find out? And she said, I don't really want to. I said, oh, fair enough.

And so, you know, I got that. That lasted me pretty much all day. And I walked, I said thank you to the, well, I got to the till and put the bottle on there.

And the lady behind the till said, any petrol? I said, no, no, thanks. No, thanks. Just the Coke.

I don't need any petrol today, thanks. And she looked at me a bit weirdly. That might have been because she had three eyes.

But anyway, so then I walked up to me dad's and got there. And see, they didn't know I was going because I sent a text last night saying that I wasn't going. Because at that point, I didn't think I could afford to get there.

And it turns out, in this situation, it was, it's better to, sometimes, well, in all situations, it's better to say you're not going and go than to say you are and not. I suppose, depending on the circumstances. And if it's a wedding, and you're like the bride or the groom, then I suppose that could be classed as playing games, or indecisiveness.

So I got there. I got there too early. They were just faffing around putting up decorations and because I had the garden all done out.

And I mean, it's not decorated like with paint, but I had this big marquee. Yeah, a lot of work put in. And they're putting up bunting and stuff and I was watching because I don't do manual work.

And it was just, I got there too early. I really did. And yeah, so it's like three hours of just, we kind of got to talking a bit.

But once you've kind of said hello to someone and kind of caught up with them, you know, nothing really happened until about three o'clock. And then people started turning up because it was my stepmum's birthday. And that's when it all turned.

It was lovely then. Because my auntie that I haven't seen, I haven't seen her for years. And I really get on well with her.

Really do. Always have. And she, she was there.

So at one point she was there talking to my brother. So I'm standing behind her. She doesn't know I'm there.

And eventually, she still doesn't know I'm there. So it was a bit, a bit awkward. So I move around so she can see me.

And then she gets all excited and she hugs me and I start saying ah to my brother. She's forgotten all about you now. Now she's seen me, my favourite nephew.

And quite childish really, wasn't it? I suppose, in hindsight. And I said to her, oh, it's my third favourite auntie. I've only got two aunties.

And she thinks she likes that. And we were just talking. It was just like catching up.

And she had a new boyfriend that I've not met before. He was really nice. And everything kind of turned.

It just became much more fun then. Because it was nice when I first got there. But then everyone was like busy getting ready for the party.

And I'm just, just didn't have anything to do. Because I wasn't willing to help. So I just, just sitting there really.

And, oh, my dad gave me a coat. So just before the party started, my dad said, oh, you haven't seen our bedroom yet, have you? We're decorated. And I said, I've never seen your bedroom.

What's the point in showing me your decorated bedroom when I don't know what it looked like before? And he said, why are you so rude? I said, I know you're not. I just, I don't go into your bedroom. It's just, I've never have.

Even in my living room, I didn't go into his bedroom. Just, I don't know, just it wasn't. But then I realised that was a lie.

Because I have been in his bedroom, I think once. And that was when I got a job in a call centre. And I had no clothes to wear.

You know, he lent me, I didn't have a tie. So he gave me a tie, a couple of shirts. Because we're roughly the same size really nowadays.

And, you know, so he sort of helped me out. So I had been in his room. But I think that was the only time ever.

But he had these coats, and he was like, well, you can have one, the brand new coats, winter coats. So I said, which one do you want? Because he had, I think, four. He hadn't stolen them.

It's not like he's, like, selling stolen goods. It's just, he's had these coats for years to just, he hasn't worn, like, I don't know, I don't know how long, many years, but they're just really thick winter coats, proper big thick things. And I said, wait a minute, I bought you this last Christmas.

He said, yeah, you can have that back. I hate it. I hate it.

Absolutely hate it. Sometimes I just put it on the floor and I just, just stand on it. I said, come on, that's a bit over the top.

He said, yeah, I know, but I hate it. Sometimes I feel I want to cut it up and use it as toilet paper. Dad, that's a present.

I said, oh no, I can't help it. No, he didn't say any of that. And he said, so he gave it to me.

He said, and then he gave me my 15 pound back, the money that I gave him towards a present. He gave that back to me. He said, oh, you can have that back to help with the travel.

So that was really kind. And then he gave me my birthday present, but it's a card, so I can't open it until my birthday. It's like, oh wow.

So I've got this nice jacket, brand new, I had the label on and everything. And it's not Armani, it's mine. It's not Armani.

It's just, it's going to be really good for the winter. And I suppose, hence the winter coat. But anyway, my auntie was there.

So I was talking to her and I found out some stuff I didn't know before. So I genuinely did not know this, did not know this. So my mum, my biological person that popped me out of the pelvis, she left when I was five months old.

And she came back again when I was two years old. But in that period, my auntie and one of my uncles tried to adopt us. You know, they got a house and they were going to basically bring us up with their kids.

So it's kind of like a family effort, if you know what I mean. And my auntie had another child that was pretty much exactly the same age as me. I think within like a month or so, we were the same age.

Or maybe six months. But the social services refused. They said no, because something about because she had a kid and because they were a family and there's something like that, but they, social services wouldn't let them adopt us.

And it was too much for my dad, because there was three of us. And he was just on his own. And this was the 70s.

And in them days, men did not bring up kids. You know, it wasn't, it just didn't happen really. And it was the, I don't think the social services, the benefits and stuff, I don't think he would have, there wasn't the help there that there is now, I guess.

But that was really interesting. I didn't know that. Did not know that she actually, she could have been my mum.

She would have brought me up and I would have thought of her as my mum. And I never understood why I had a connection with her. But apparently I spent loads of time with her.

From the age, from even before, because she was best friends with my mum. Before I was even born, they were best friends. And so I spent loads of time with my aunt when I was a baby.

And for the first two years of my life, before my mum came back and got us. So I spent two years with her. So two of the most important years of your life, like developmentally, like brain and stuff.

It's like, wow. So that's why I had that connection with her. Kind of an imprint sort of thing.

And yeah, so that was, that was very enlightening, really. But that was lovely to see her and I was just acting all silly and saying silly stuff and all that. And having some fun.

I had one and a half bottles of lager and I was a bit tiddly or a little bit, you know, no, no means drunk, but just a little bit affected by the alcohol. And in a way, I kind of wish I could have stayed, but I didn't have anything with me, didn't even have a toothbrush. And I didn't, you know, I mean, I would have just been sort of sleeping in my clothes.

And that's why I came home. But before I came home, I went over and said hello to my niece, who's now 11. I've never had any kind of relationship with her.

Never really kind of, I don't see her very often, say like maybe once or twice a year. And when she was little, of course she was a lot of fun and stuff, but she forgets all that. She doesn't, there'd be such a long distance time between seeing her that I think she forgot who I was.

But today or yesterday rather, I was sitting there and I was just thought, I'm just going to talk to her. And I had her laughing. She was creasing up laughing.

And I just, I realized, and I always knew this, but I didn't, didn't know, I didn't know it'd take this long, that my, my only real way in to having a relationship is by communication, like verbal, or having a laugh. And it's taken this long before I could do it. And she just, she was really open to it.

And it was just, it was just saying funny things. And we were just verbally, like jousting kind of, you know, it was really good. And then I realized that my, and I got a lift home, I got a lift to a train station by my stepsister or my, I don't know, sister-in-law, stepsister or something like that.

And I realized that my mental maturity is that of an 11-year-old girl. That's my level of maturity. That's where, that's where I can communicate.

I was like, wow, who'd have thought it? It was all these years thinking I was about a seven-year-old level, but actually I'm not. I'm actually 11-year-old maturity. So I'm much more mature than I thought I was.

So there you go. So I'm basically emotionally an 11-year-old girl. That's weird.

But it was lovely just to see her smiling and laughing and to be able to sort of communicate and connect with her, like for the first time really ever. And yeah, and then when I was going to go, I was sort of saying goodbye to everyone and she was just standing there with her arms open, waiting to give me a hug, goodbye. And she's, I don't know if she's ever done that before either.

It was like, wow, that's brilliant. So it's, I got made a new little friend there, which was nice. So I just, I've had uncles and stuff.

I've only really had one uncle that showed any interest in me when I was younger. And it does make a difference, you know, if you can kind of connect on a, and it has to be a personal level, a connection that you don't have with anyone else. I think that's probably with all relationships, but it's nice to just have like a personal connection rather than just turning up for family occasions and just being another uncle or another aunt.

Let's just have like a personal separate thing. And she loves reading and I love reading. We both love books.

So we've got that thing in common. And yeah, so that's really cool. So what else happened? And I got, yeah, I came back.

I, yeah, so I left, got the train back. This is Mr. Tiggle with his arms wrapped all around the chairs. So he was there.

So that was like, oh, and then, yeah, when I got to the next train station, there was, yeah, the train didn't go to where I wanted to go. So I ended up having to get three trains. But eventually I did get back and then I was walking home and I got home and gave Andre a big cuddle.

And he hadn't trashed the place, which is good. So I hadn't seen him for 10 hours. Yeah, over 10 hours.

It's really rare that I'd go that long without seeing him. And I just realized it was a really good day. It is the best day of the year for me so far.

It's really lovely just to get to be silly for a few hours and yeah, get to see my little brother and my niece and my auntie. And, you know, of course my dad and his stepmom and all that stuff. So it's it was a good, good day.

And right at the end, just before I was leaving, my dad called me over because he was going to see me out and say goodbye and stuff. But he called me over to this bloke with a lady there. And he said, do you remember him? I said, no.

Bye. He said, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He said, do you remember when you worked at Tank Freight? Yeah.

He was in the office with you. I said, dad, it was 33 years ago. He said, no offence mate, I don't remember you.

And he said, well, you've filled out a bit and you had more hair back then. And this bloke, he couldn't, he only looked like he was probably in his 60s himself. So I don't know how he remembered me.

A lovely bloke, I just don't remember him. And that was one of the worst jobs I ever had because I was really rubbish at it. And I wanted to be good at it, but I was really rubbish.

And what made it worse is my dad worked there as well. He had a different job. So I didn't work with him, but I was in the office and he was an electrician.

And I just, I was absolutely terrible at the job. And I left in the end. I just couldn't, didn't like it.

But this man remembered me. Like, wow. It's just like the way you filled out.

He said, you used to be skinny. I said, yeah, we've all put weight on, haven't we? And you know, everyone puts weight on. And he said, yeah, but he was quite, he's still quite slim though.

And, but yeah, that was just really weird. Just like, oh. So I had a little kiss and, and then I left.

So that's, that was that day done. Came home and I had a couple of little naps. I was so tired.

So I had really, well it took quite a bit out of me really, but it was a really, really good day. I'm going to leave it there. That's, that's the story of my day.

And I, at one point my, I was outside and I came in. That's not the whole story. And my step-mom was in the kitchen with two of her friends and she introduced me to them.

She said, oh, this is Jason. And one of them said, oh, you're, you're your dad's son. I said, yeah.

And then my step-mom said, yeah, and mine. I was so, so lovely. She like grabbed me, like gave me a cuddle and said, and mine.

Just so like, cause she's my, she's been my mom sort of for 33 years or whatever. And I said, yeah, she is my mom, even though she's only 11 years older than me. I was like, wow.

It's not a lot, is it? She's actually closer to my age than she is to my dad. She's 13 years younger than him and 11 years older than me. Isn't that weird? Not weird, but interesting.

Well, not even that interesting really, is it? Or was it 14 years younger than him? I don't know. She's 60, just turned 60. I'm just about to turn 49.

So that's, you know, literally 11, 11 years and two weeks or something. And my dad's 25 years older than me. I don't know, you work it out.

But it was like, and she seemed really happy. My dad was happy. Everybody was just having a really nice time.

And no, it was good. It was a really good time. And yeah, I thought it was anyway.

So I'm going to go. Thank you very much for listening. And I'll speak to you very soon.

And I can't, I'm not sure what number this is. But I think for my 200th episode, someone has recommended that I do a live Facebook broadcast. So that's probably what I'm going to do.

So I need to plan that. That makes sense. I need to plan it.

So what I'm thinking is, was it Sunday? I have to first of all find out what day I'm going to do it and then make sure that I'm there at that time on that day. And I'll do a live Facebook broadcast for the Let Me Boy To Sleep. And we can do a little like Q&A, just say hi thingamajig.

So take care, everyone. I'll speak to you very soon. Lots of love.

And remember to be kind to yourself. Be extra gentle. And say nice things to yourself.

Because you deserve it. Take care. Bye.