#161 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (7th June 2019)

Hello and welcome to LetMeBoreYouToSleep.com My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. So only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

Now, I haven't been quite as prolific lately as previously I have. If you're wondering what that crinkling noise is, it's me. Well, it's not me, but it's... I've got the phone book in front of me.

It's actually called the phone book. It should be called the phone pamphlet. Because compared to what phone books used to look like, it is tiny.

I wonder if my name's in this. I wonder if there's any people with my surname. The thing is, the writing's so tiny.

L-M-N-O-P-Q-O-J-K-L-M. Okay, trying to figure where I am in the alphabet. L-M-N, so I'm N. New Love.

I'd be before that, wouldn't I? Nevins, that's not me. New House. Oh, there is a Newland.

Ooh, look at this. It's hard to see it because it's so tiny, plus the light. The light's not shining on the book.

Let me see if I can find it. So there's... Wow. There is a Jason, but he doesn't live here.

I mean, obviously he doesn't live... Well, I do live here, and my name is Jason, but he doesn't live... Where I do, he lives... It's kind of an obvious statement, he doesn't live where I do. He lives in a different place. Well, yeah, obviously.

But he lives in a different town. So I haven't made many recordings lately. I've made a few.

I've made a couple over the last week. But I just... I couldn't be bothered, really. It sounds bad, doesn't it? But I just couldn't be bothered, you know? That's why... Well, it's not the only reason, but that's part of the reason I didn't become a surgeon.

I was very lazy. You know, I know that some days I'd go in and... I'd be in the middle of a major operation, and I just decided to have a tea break. And read the paper or something.

Go on YouTube. So that wouldn't be ideal. Also, I've been working on my websites as well.

Because when I'm not in the mood to do recordings... Excuse me, I'm coughing here. Yeah, when I'm not in the mood to make a recording, I can sometimes still, you know, work on the websites. It's very easy.

It's a lot of... A lot of just copying and pasting sometimes. But I've been working quite a bit. Put a lot of effort into the letmeboytosleep.com And I've got six websites, but that's the one that I've put the most effort into.

I've got... If you have a look at it, there's quite a few bits there. You can go and leave a testimonial if you want. Tell me how annoying I am, or wonderful I am, or somewhere in between.

You know, it might be like... When you listen to me, you feel sleepy. Or maybe since you've been listening to me, you've noticed that you buy more biscuits. So who knows, whatever the response might be.

But if you do want to leave a comment, either on the website, you know, underneath this recording on the website, or actually leave a testimonial. And then it will start flashing up when people go onto the website, and they'll be able to see your groovy words. Which is cool.

Whoops, that's the can of Coke. What else? Yeah, on the website, there's a few pages that I've added. So I've added pages, which if you click on the About, it has a list of just a few bits and bobs of other podcasts that I have.

I think I have 10 sleep slash insomnia podcasts, including this one. This is... Well, it's very unique for what it is, you know, very different from the others. They're all unique.

I mean, everything's unique really, isn't it? I suppose, in its own way. Even every fart has its own little special position in the universe, you know. I've no idea what that means.

I think we should name farts. But then, that would just lead to attachment, which wouldn't be healthy. I end up in psychotherapy in 30 years time.

I've lost so many farts. What did I say? I'll end up in psychotherapy. I'm already in psychotherapy.

Kind of. It's not really psychotherapy. It's more kind of CBT stroke chatting kind of thing.

For the bipolar slash... I'm into slashes today, aren't I? The bipolar slash emotionally unstable personality disorder that I've been labelled with. So, yay. But now you're thinking, why am I listening to this crazy man? And there's a reason you're listening.

It's because I'm crazy. And I'm fun. And I genuinely want to help.

And you're not paying for it. Which means you can never doubt whether or not I'm doing it for money or doing it to help. Because you're not giving me an out.

That's why I don't have any food. It's not. Trust me, if you saw my belly, you'd know that I eat.

I don't go without food. Also, I'm not shy when it comes to stuff like that. If I didn't have enough money for food, I'd just knock on the neighbours doors and just ask for some food.

I don't care. Got no pride. Pride doesn't fill your tummy.

That should be the title of a book. I actually had a really good title of a book earlier, but I've forgotten it. It was really good.

It was like a self-help book to help with memory retention. Help people with memory. I've forgotten it.

There was another book I had, another idea I had. What was it? I'm trying to think. It was a good title.

I was very pleased with myself. You know, you do something and you're like, yeah, I like that. I'm really pleased.

Being pleased with myself. Sometimes I do, I say something and I do waffle on these recordings. I waffle and I can just be myself when I do these.

No one to please. No one to judge me. I can just say whatever I want.

And just be boring. And that's really good because being boring isn't just about... There's lots of different levels of boring. I can go on every possible level.

Whether it's talking about something. Whether it's describing a situation in such detail that it just becomes so tedious. And the thing is, everything can be boring.

I could go to a Spice Girls concert. And the reason I'm mentioning them is because they're currently concerting. In Ireland, I think, somewhere.

They're in concert at the moment. They got back together, apart from posh Spice. She was... I don't know what she's doing.

How would I know? They discovered the cameras that I hid in their house. So I can't tell you what they're doing anymore. But I could go to their concert.

I could go to the Spice Girls concert. And it's not really a reunion. It's a re-re-reunion.

Re-re-reunion. I don't know how many times they've come back. And I could tell you about the concert.

And you could be the biggest Spice Girls fan in the whole Wooniverse. And I could still bore you by talking about your favourite thing. Now that's a skill not worth having.

My dad must be so proud. Well, if he is, he hasn't told me. He's now gone into therapy mode again.

We're not your therapist, Jason. We just want to go to sleep. Can you get on with it, please? Dance, monkey boy, dance! Okay, I'm dancing for you.

I'm dancing. Yeah, I'll dance. What shall I do then? And now I'm going to talk about something really boring.

See, everything's boring to somebody. I was speaking to a friend and he said recently, and he's been all over the world. He sails all over the world, you know.

He rents over the last 30 years or whatever. He's rented sail... Is it sailboats? I don't know, whatever. And he's just... because he's a sailor, that's what he does.

It's not like he's for fun. He's not actually a sailor. As in, he doesn't work on a boat.

But he used to when he was younger. He used to be a fisherman. And then he became a comedian and a nightclub owner.

A comedy club owner as well. So, yeah, he's kind of moved. He actually went to college.

Or stage school, but stage college or whatever in America. And he went with Robin Williams. He actually showed me a video.

He put it on his Facebook page. With him and Robin Williams that they did together. As like a project with their... part of their course.

And, of course, Robin Williams went on to do really well, obviously. And I was a big fan of Robin Williams. It's Mork & Mindy.

I know it's... Those... the thing is, people that... It's like any generation, isn't it? Any group of people. Like Peppa Pig. I'm never really... And I've tried.

I'm never really going to appreciate Peppa Pig. If I'm honest. It's never going to be... Yeah.

And I suppose I probably would feel nostalgic in the future. With Peppa Pig. If I'd kind of... Had... To sit... With a child watching it.

For, you know, hours on end. Luckily... Well, you know... Depends which way you look at it, but... Luckily, I haven't had to do that. But I do know what it's like... To sit for hours and hours on end.

With a small child watching the same... Program or the same film. Over and over and over and over again. Now that's boring.

But not to the small child. For instance, my little brother. He was born the day before I was eight years old.

So... Well, it's not a logic... A logical... Reasoning for this, but I ended up... Spending quite a lot of time with him. As he got older. And... Once I got into my teens... He was... What, six or five or whatever, I don't know.

And... There was a film called Animalympics. And it saw one word, animal... Input, like Olympics. Animalympics.

And that's what it was. It was basically a bunch of animals doing the Olympics. It was a cartoon.

Well, animated film. And my brother, my little brother... Little brother... He watched that film over and over... And over and under... And over... So many times... So, so many times... That... Well, you know, I just, I knew it. Word for word.

The whole film. Word for word. And because I was babysitting him... I ended up sitting there, watching it as well.

Because back then, there was no internet. I suppose I could have read a book. Could have done some knitting.

Cross stitching. And I'm not even joking there. Because... When I was little, when I was little... In junior school, I was about... I went to high school when I was 11.

For five years. Before that, I was in junior school. It's all changed.

We've become more American with the way we describe things now. So I went to high school first year, second year, third year, fourth year, fifth year. And for those that stayed on, sixth year.

Because sixth year would be A-levels. I left after fifth. Because I left with no qualifications.

At all. Zero. My grade was U in everything.

Which was... What does U stand for? And... Was it U? Was it undecided? No, that wouldn't be right. Underwear? Nope. Umbrella? Ella? Ella? Ella? I don't know.

Unrecognised? No. I think it was U. When it was... Non-marked. It didn't get a mark.

It was so bad, it wasn't even worthy... Of a mark. But I did that on purpose. Kind of.

And... So I didn't care. Because my whole career was... I had a career set up. I was working in a chip shop.

I knew things were going to be brilliant. I got free chips. Didn't ask much when I was fifteen.

Because I was still fifteen when I left school. Left school in April. Had to go back in June to do the exams and then... That was it.

And I wasn't sixteen till August. So I started working full time at fifteen. Oh yeah, so you got... Now... We do... Because I think in America it's grades, isn't it? Grade one, grade two, grade three, fourth grade, fifth grade.

We do year one, year two, year three, year four, whatever. And I think it starts much earlier. So... And I still don't know... I don't know when it started.

I think it was in the 90s. Maybe it was the 2000s, I don't know. But they... Year eleven.

Year twelve. What is that? I don't know what year, what age that is. But I suppose the people involved... The kids seem to know.

Which is probably handy for them. Because I suppose if you go into school... And the teacher shouts out... Year fourteen! Come here! We have free cake! I suppose you'd need to know, wouldn't you? What year you're in. But when I was a kid, we didn't have that.

We just... It was at junior school. It was first, second, first, fourth... I don't know, whatever. However many years there was in that school.

And then high school. First year, second year, third year, fourth year. Fifth.

And then sixth form. So it was the first year, second year, third year, fourth year and fifth year. But then they changed the sixth year to sixth form.

Or sixth year... Yeah, sixth form. So now... All these different years that they have starting at... I don't know if the first year one starts when you're born. I'm not sure.

But when you get to... The age of seventeen... Or sixteen, you know. So that... So after... I don't know whatever year it is. Year... Seventeen or year sixteen, year fifteen.

Sixth form is still called sixth form. And they haven't changed that. Sixth form... Goes down year one.

So first year, second, third, fourth, fifth. And then sixth form. Sixth form.

Still the same. Doesn't make sense to me. But when I was in junior school, I liked cross-stitching.

I should take it literally. I did. I had a really stern look on my face.

But eventually I was told, you know, you can enjoy this. Enjoy it now. Wait till you go to high school.

I said, what do you mean? He said, well, you won't be able to do cross-stitching in high school. I said, why not? And... I was told, well, the reason, because... I don't know the reason. I said, well, why are you saying it to me for then? He said, I don't know.

I'm just waiting to clean the toilet and you're taking ages. Can you hurry up? Okay. Bloody janitors.

And... I liked junior school. I didn't like it. I mean, I didn't... I didn't wake up in the morning doing handstands.

You know, break dancing on the way to school. You know, I wasn't spinning my breakfast bowl on my head with excitement and anticipation. But I used to go.

I turned up. And... Some things I wasn't that keen about, if I'm honest. And... The learning bit, I wasn't, just didn't... Didn't really see the point in that.

I liked English. I liked reading. And I liked writing.

And... But that's the only thing that I liked. You know, I'd... I prefer to read and learn from what I'm reading, I think, than... from somebody... talking about it. But not always.

Sometimes I like to hear people talking about it. But in a different kind of a way. For example... I... I like to listen to... Like... Walter or... Who else? You know, sort of like motivational speakers.

But not just... But ones that have something to say. Not just for the sake of it. I don't, you know, I get a little bit... A little bit bored with the... You can do anything you put your mind to.

You can do anything. That's good. But I was like, I want to hear how... And... There's some speakers that actually have stuck to their guns.

In a sense. It's a weird terminology, isn't it? Stuck to their guns. Yeah.

I don't like that terminology. I'm not going to use that anymore. Stuck to their bow and arrows.

No, it doesn't work. Stuck to their axe. Hmm.

Stuck to their machete. No. Stuck to their goldfish.

Yeah. I think some people don't like it if you change things. The other day I was talking to somebody.

Or they were talking and I was just there. And my ears were listening. And... One of them, there was two people.

And one of them says... Or did they say... Er... I can't remember. It's not a great story, is it, when you don't remember it. And it's not really like I forgot part of the story.

I pretty much forgot the whole story. I remember the story, I just don't remember the content. Anyway, how it went really is one person said something.

And the other person said something else. That's pretty much how it normally goes, isn't it? Can you imagine how good it would be... If everyone just said that in gossip? You know what Pauline said? Pauline from work said about Joanne. I don't know, what did Pauline say about Joanne? Well, Pauline said something about Joanne.

I said something back to her. Oh. I heard Steve and Alan talking in the toilet.

While I was pretending to do the poo. And I heard them. I heard them talking about you.

What did they say? Well, Steve said something. And Alan said something back. And then Steven replied.

And Alan agreed. And they cuddled for a little bit. And yeah, that's it.

We could actually have peace in the world within about a year. Can you imagine if everyone just didn't tell anyone anything that anyone's ever said? All those people that like the drama would just stop talking, wouldn't they? Like, what's the point in talking? It's not causing pain to anyone. Wow, I like that advert.

I can't tell you why, but I like it. I like it a lot. Where's the sandcastle? So I've got the telly on while I'm talking.

It's on mute. Which I'm sure you probably wish I was, but it's on mute. But the reason for that is because when I turn the telly off.

It makes some weird, loud clicking noises. And I don't like it. Really makes me grumpy inside.

So I'm watching this TV show called Star. Never watched it before. But it's just full of pretty people.

All of them. Well, okay, I just saw one that isn't. But they're kind of all young, attractive men and women.

It's mainly about women, but it seems from the looks of things. They're dancers or singers, I don't know. And there's a couple of really lovely faces.

Just the face. Don't look at the rest of them, just the face. No.

That's the good boy Andrei's come to do to toilet. That's it, nice. Being very lazy, normally lifts his whole tail up.

He doesn't actually lift it up with his hands. But he lifts, you know, when he does a squelch. But for some reason he didn't.

He just like lifted it sideways. He's very lazy. Lazier than me.

I don't know if I'm lazy or not. I think I'm just very particular about what I waste my time doing. Oh, great.

You know what? That's the chair. There are... There's pretty much a whole newspaper on the floor. It's broken up into the sheets, you know, individual sheets.

All on the floor. One, two, three, four, five, about twenty. Twenty papers, piece of paper.

And what does he do? He's just gone and done it on the carpet. Just on the edge of the paper. Seriously, the equivalent of something I saw years ago on... Actually, no.

I think it was a person when I was doing the insurance told me. This is... When I did the insurance, I have to ask if you had any accidents, claims or losses in the last five years. Fault or non-fault, blah, blah.

And the person would say, no. The amount of people that say no and then later on they said, oh yeah, I forgot, I did, yeah, I was in a... Yeah, I remember I had a write-off in a 16-car pile-up. Like, how did you forget that? Anyway, this person said to me, yeah, I shunted into a car in a supermarket car park when I was parking my car.

And I said, oh, okay. So it was just a bang. It was no huge damage, just a broken bumper or something like that.

And I said, right, okay. So, and then the person started laughing. And I said, why are you laughing? And he said, oh, it's alright, it's just my husband's tickling my feet.

I said, but you said you were single. And she said, it's not really tickling my feet, I just made it up. Well, why are you laughing then? He said, well, I'm just remembering the occasion when I crashed my car.

I said, okay. She said, do you want to hear about it? And I got intrigued. And I thought, yeah, might as well.

I mean, I didn't see there's anything to lose really, I just think I might as well, if you want to tell me. You can tell me, you know, I'm here till seven o'clock tonight. I'm not going anywhere.

And she said, well, I didn't need to know that really. I said, yeah, I know. But anyway, what do you want to tell me if you want? She said, well, here's what happened.

It was in a supermarket, a big supermarket car park. And I parked behind this car by over the line. And I thought I took my brakes off, or put my brakes on, but I hadn't.

And the car went into the back of this. My car went into the back of that car that was parked. I said, yeah, you already kind of said that.

She said, yeah, but what I didn't mention is this. I said, what? She said the car park was empty. Other than that other car.

It was the only car in the car park. I said, what? She said, yeah, there's probably about 400 spaces. And that was the only car, only space taken.

And I managed to hit it. And I think I did have a laugh. I think.

Kind of a weird, maybe once. I said to this person, said, oh yeah, so what's your occupation? And he said, I'm a bar manager. And I said, in what, in what situation, what kind of job is it? Because, you know, you know those kind of jobs, hotel, it could be a restaurant, it could be a nightclub.

And he said, oh, it's a hotel. My next question to him was, is it a licensed hotel? And he started laughing. And then I started laughing, because it took me a while to figure out what I'd just done.

Like, asking him if he's a bar manager. Is it a licensed hotel? And obviously it has to be licensed to sell alcohol. Otherwise, you know, it's a juice bar.

And we laughed. I remember dancing around the desk. Couldn't stop laughing.

I had to dance around. Because I always found that dancing helps me to stop laughing. Sometimes.

Sometimes. Sometimes it keeps it going. Depends on... You know, it's really weird when I watch this program, and all you see is just the facial expressions.

And the movements of the mouths, and... They look like good actors. It actually looks quite real. If you just go... You can tell if someone's a good actor if you turn the volume down.

And you just watch their faces. And it looks really good. Mind you, if I turn the volume up, they might be really... Their voices might be completely incongruent with what they're saying.

So the lady there was like... She was absolutely... Really sad and crying. But, you know, if I had the volume up, she might be saying... I'm really upset. Really, really upset.

So it might have been incongruent with... So she might not have been a good actor, but... There's Andre sneezing in the background. But without the sound, it looks pretty, pretty good. But cross-stitching... One of my favourite things I ever did at school was cross-stitching.

And... I never kept it up. You know, once I left junior school, I went to high school. And they didn't have those kinds of crafty things anymore to do.

It was all about mathematics and... I can't remember. What did I learn? I didn't learn anything, but what did I... I learnt I didn't like going to school, but I already knew that anyway. What did I learn? What lessons was I forced to go to? So I had Geography, History... What's the other one? Geography, History, Maths... RE, so Religious Education... And English... PE, so that was... Not the Condition PE, but the... What was it? Physical Education.

Not Premature, you know. And what other ones did I have? Science, that's it. Science.

And I was... Ah, not just that, Woodwork as well. And maybe even Metalwork. There's quite a few different subjects really, isn't there? There's quite a lot.

English, Maths, History, Geography... English, Maths, History, Geography, RE, PE, Science, Woodwork, Metalwork. Fine. That's less than a hundred.

What other ones? I don't know. I can't even remember. I think that was enough, wasn't it? PE, RE... I get a little bit muddled up because... I didn't take much notice at the time.

Makes it a little bit harder to remember it... 30 odd years later. But I did, yeah, I definitely did go to school though. What else did I do? I remember I used to... So football, I didn't really like football, so I didn't... really didn't partake.

And what I used to do, and I've mentioned this before, so you know that I'm not lying, this... I used to spin around until I got dizzy and then I fell on the floor. That was what I did during football. And then, we had hockey.

But I was banned from that because... I used to chase people with a stick. Because I was always little at school. Everyone was all pretty much bigger than me.

But I didn't let that... didn't let that get in my way. And I had, I remember I think, someone hit me with a stick in my shin. And it hurt.

And it was like a tackle or something. And... No, I can't allow someone to hurt me. So I kind of hit them with a stick and chased them down.

Just chased them. And I got banned. Wasn't allowed to play hockey again after that.

Whatever. Tennis. I was allowed to play tennis.

But I didn't play it very often. Wasn't really... I don't mean it in a... I don't mean it in a derogatory term, but it's a bit repetitive. I mean, as far as I'm concerned... Once they hit the ball over the net, I don't want it returned to me.

I hit it over the net because I don't want it. Why do you keep hitting it back? And I hit it back again. And then it come back again.

It's like, stop returning the ball to me. I'm hitting it over the net because I don't want the ball. Don't like it, don't want it.

Don't want it this side of the net. You stay your side of the net. You're almost turning into some kind of apartheid.

Like, you stay your side of the net. I'll stay this side. Now keep that ball.

I want that ball over here. You keep your dirty ball. I don't want my dirty... It wasn't dirty at all.

That's why I touched it. But even that didn't stop them hitting it back. Actually, it probably helped them.

We don't want that. They hit it back over the net again. I don't want the ball.

Take it. I thought about, like, changing the ball for a little bomb or something. Just hitting it over the net.

See what they do with that. Probably hit it back again, wouldn't they? Little stink bomb. That kind of thing.

Oh man, do you remember stink bombs? See, you might be too young or too old. Or just never experienced the pleasures of stink bombs. And you used to be able to buy them from the joke shops and stuff.

And they were brilliant. And they were stinkiest, eggiest, pongiest things ever. And, you know, it would go through a period where not really every day someone would let a stink bomb off.

And it would be so funny. I'm nearly 50 and I still find it funny just thinking about it. Because it was foul.

It was really... It was like... Well, just... Yeah. I suppose, if you think about it... I'll give you an idea what it's like. Get yourself a dog.

And feed it tripe. And then, basically, attach yourself via some kind of funnel to its posterior and just wait. And the gas that comes out, that's what you're looking at with, you know, a stink bomb.

It's like... It's... It's like burping into a gas mask. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, it's got nowhere to go. It's like... Mind you, burp is gas, isn't it? What other sports did I do? Netball, or actually call it basketball.

It's exactly the same game, isn't it? Netball for women, basketball for men. It's the same thing, it's a hoop. You get a ball into a hoop.

And that, I liked. The thing I didn't like about it... was people trying to get the ball off me. And because I was little, I was so much shorter than everybody else.

And I was pretty much nearly a year younger than most of the people in my year. Because I just turned 11 when I went to high school. At the end of August.

Some of those kids, one or two weeks into the year, the new year in September, would be 12. So they're nearly a year older than me. And that's a lot.

At that time of the year, at that time of life. There's a big difference between a 12 year old and a 13 year old. You know, it's just physically.

And you can't just take a little stepladder with you to play basketball. The gym teacher made sure of that. Made sure that everyone knew that.

Made sure that everyone knew that I was the one that bought the stepladder. And you can't say, can you stop there a minute? And just walk up the stepladder. And then say, okay, now, now let me try and get the ball.

There are ways of getting the ball off them. But it involves contact with other balls. But again, that's wrong, isn't it, apparently.

So, but I liked the chucking the ball into the net. Or into the, you know, the... Yeah, it's a net, isn't it? Whatever you want to call it. The hole, the metal thing up on the wall, whatever it is.

And I find that interesting. But just for fun, not for any other reason. Just like, for me, football, it's the penalties.

And that I would be interested in, you know, someone being in goal and me just kicking the ball at the goal. But, so I couldn't really do netball or basketball because of my size. Everyone just, all I had to do was just hold the ball at their head height and I couldn't reach it.

If they held it above their head, you know, I couldn't see the thing that was so far up. So, you know, just had to put up with that. What other things we used to do? Netball.

Sometimes we'd do five-a-side football indoors. Again, I just... I used to twirl around but I didn't used to fall down because the ground was too hard. So I used to spin around and then try and kind of lean against something.

And then, what other things? The only thing that I was any good at, I still don't know why to this day really, but the only thing that I excelled at, got no glory for it, but I excelled at it, there were no awards because it wasn't really classed as a sport here. It was just something to do. I think it was like a lazy teacher's lesson.

You know, when a teacher couldn't be asked to do anything, couldn't be bothered to get the kit out, couldn't be bothered to get all the footballs out and walk to the pitch, or any of that stuff. He just wanted to have a lazy day and finish early so he could spend more time watching the Sydney Shower. So what they did is, they'd have, what do they call it? Dodgeball.

With, I think it's actually an actual sport in America. So I would have been good at that. I could have been a dodgeball player.

If there'd been a league, like a proper league of dodgeball, I would have been, I'm not saying necessarily Premier League, but I would have been, you know, possibly semi-professional I reckon, with my ability because I was very good at it. Very good at dodging the ball. And I could do all kinds of acrobatics.

So for some reason, I don't know, I could just jump in the air and be bendy and all that kind of stuff. And that was before I even started doing karate. Once I started doing karate I was even more flexible.

But, you know, I could do the splits and all kinds of stuff like that when I was, kind of. Not all the way down, not so me, yeah, not so I hurt myself. But, I was so good at dodgeball.

So dodgeball, for those of you who don't know, is you've got a ball, basically. And you've got to dodge it. It's, you know, the names in the name.

The game's in the name. And each side of the pitch has got a different team. I was always picked last, of course.

Even though I was good at it, I was always picked last. Seriously, there was a bloke, there was a kid in a wheelchair that got picked before me. And it's not the easiest game to play if you've got a ball being chucked at you.

You can't avoid it if you're in a chair. But still, I'd be picked last. I mean, there was... Actually, yeah, there was a kid, he was actually off-field with measles and he still got picked before me.

I phoned him up. I said, we're picking you before Jason, just to let you know that. He's like, well, that's rude.

That's before mobile phones were around. I mean, literally, they went into the office and spoke on the loud, on TV, on the telephone, and put it onto loudspeaker for the whole school to hear. Had to put it on a tenor system.

He was like, okay, I'll show them. Especially when I got my job in a chip shop. Ha ha, see who's laughing now, I thought.

And, see, you've got this ball and you chuck it at each other. You've got two sides. And, basically, it might be a toinkos, toinkos, coin toss, to see which side has the ball first.

Sometimes, the case is the gym instructor, teacher, whatever, would just chuck it in the air and, you know. But you weren't allowed to cross the line, the middle line, so whichever team you were in, you had to stay on your side. And, people would just start chucking the ball.

And, whenever you got out, you went to the other side of the team, behind them, outside of the court. And then, when the ball, you could chuck the ball to them and then they could hit you from behind. So, basically, you had the ball coming from both sides.

Well, let me tell you. I was often the last person that got hit with a ball. It's not a very exciting internet story, but it was the only sport throughout my whole school-ing that I was any good at.

And, I was really good at it. I mean, really good. And, I think it's good to hold on to those.

Those things. And, I think the reason I wasn't interested in other sports, like cricket. The first time I played cricket, when I was in junior school, I had all the get-up on, you know.

I had one. I had the body armour, shin pads. No, I had one shin pad on.

And, everything else on. Helmet and stuff. I was in bat.

And, the bowler managed to hit me in my one knee that wasn't protected. And, it hurt. Obviously, it hurt so much.

And, I chased him with the bat. Because, it hurt me. Of course, he had a bat.

I mean, he'd used his ammunition already. He didn't have anything else. I had my bat.

And, he'd used it to defend himself. And, no, I was after him. But, then I got banned from that as well.

So, it's... I was hoping that we'd be able to, sort of, the school would take up golf. Because, I used to have a golf set. I remember hitting my brother with a golf club.

And, seeing the results of that. It was lovely. So, I just, you know... Knowing my luck, I probably would have had golf.

I hit the ball and it probably landed on my head. I seem to attract balls. This is a weird statement.

But, I just... Whatever things. Rugby. I just laughed.

I laughed. They laughed. It was one of those situations where we all laughed at each other.

I turned up for rugby. I saw what they were doing. You know, banging into each other.

And, tackling each other. And, they looked at the size of me. So, I laughed at them.

They laughed at me. It's like, see ya. And, that was the end of that.

It didn't even start. You know, there was no argument on that one. Because... No way was I going to go in without a stick.

At least something to defend myself with. Instead of these huge kids, like, jumping on top of me. No.

If I wanted that, I would have gone to boarding school. No. So... Didn't do rugby.

And, the only thing I would have liked to have done was boxing. If there'd have been boxing at my club, I'd have been... I'd have loved it. Absolutely loved it.

I'd have been there every time. And, regardless if I was any good at it, I'd have just loved it. It would have been fun.

But, I didn't have that. Then, I probably would have got kicked out. So, you can't bring your golf club into the boxing ring.

Where's the fun? Anyway. I'm going to go. And, I shall see you... ...soon. Bye.