#151 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (19th May 2019)

Hello, welcome to LetMeBoreYouToSleep.com My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes because... Do I need to explain? No, I don't think I need to explain that Yeah, I suppose I will It's just...

that when you listen to something that's intentionally made to send you to sleep through boredom it's generally a good idea to not to listen when you need to use your eyes or any other parts of your body in a purposeful way such as driving a milk float or, you know, if you work for the circus walking a tightrope if you're maybe a sports person don't listen when you're playing darts such as things like that if you're playing golf and it's a really important tournament and the last shot is the winning shot if you make it if you get the ball in the hole because that's what golf is really, isn't it?

It's getting a ball in a hole getting a ball in a certain amount of holes with as little amount of pushes by the club the golf club I think they should be indoors they should be all surrounded like a big, have a big ceiling or big roof and have a flat surface completely flat so no wind no hills, no sand no alligators none of that stuff and that should be it and there should be three holes maybe five maybe six there's a bit of background sound while I'm recording this but all get this this is exciting I've mentioned in previous recordings that I'm getting soundproof pads sounds like something I should put down my pants, doesn't it?

some kind of pad but it's not it's soundproof and the tiles that you put on the wall or that I put on the wall but I'm sure I'm not the only person that puts them on the wall but I'm the only person that puts them on this wall because it's my wall although technically I don't own it but it's going to be my wall for quite a few years, I hope because I'm never leaving here I'm staying here forever this is my home forever and ever and ever people say that, don't they? you know I've now moved into my forever home your forever home yeah how old are you, two?

your forever home have you got a magical garden? blimey do you have little fairies to turn the taps on for you to make you a magical bath?

you know, I got these tiles so I bought some I'm still waiting for 150 or 120 to arrive but they'll probably come next week well, they must be next week because the next delivery day will be Monday because it's now 11 o'clock it's Saturday so there's no deliveries tomorrow and what I'm thinking is I've kind of got this little plan this little plan and I'm going to get a little cubicle put together I've got a friend that's going to help me do it and it's going to be kind of like two doors that open up

or one door that opens up and one fixed partition and the door closes when I'm inside it and it opens up when I'm not inside it or when I'm not using it so I can still sit inside and watch telly and eat cake and you know the general things that we all do sometimes I count the money in my pocket but I don't take it out of my pocket I just put my hand in my pocket and I count the money and that can last for hours sometimes so I've got these soundproofing so I'm hoping

hope, hope, hope and let's face it all we need in life is hope hope can get you so far it's so far in life not hope can only get you so far but hope can get you as far as you want it to go I would say to become more religiously I don't mean in a religious way just belief, hope expectation and I believe that I can get that little soundproof booth sorted within the next month or two and then then, then, then, then, then I can make recordings any time of the day without background

sounds hopefully without any background sounds but that's kind of the plan which means I won't have to wait till the middle of the night before making recordings which means I'll be able to get up early in the morning and watch daytime telly early morning television yeah I've never been so excited what I once was excited about was it was the last time I was excited I can't remember I'm not the most excited it's hard to believe I know but I'm not the most excitable person I don't get excited that much I sometimes look forward to

things like oh I think about something and I think oh yeah that's happening I don't normally like jump up and down you know just that that doesn't really happen it's an age thing but I don't I do occasionally get excited about something but it's probably more to do with if I have a a particularly enjoyable yawn that excites me I think I have exciting things I don't know I just I bought some shoes last week or the week before and I suppose I wouldn't use the word excited but it felt quite satisfying to have those

shoes because I haven't bought myself any kind of clothes or clothing apart from some underpants that I bought probably about a year ago maybe but they're beginning to get a bit dirty so I might have to get some new ones but I need I bought some socks as well I do need some more socks all my clothes are a bit a bit eww you know they're not I would never have really been an exciting dresser I'm not I don't think no one would ever ever describe me as being flamboyant you know I don't wear feathered

hats or high collars or jewelled buckles on my strap on not strap on the that's the wrong word my straps of the belt you know like the rhinestone cowboy kind of look although I used to have some boots years ago when I was about 17 or 16 and they were like boots proper click lock boots like they clicked when I walked I don't mean like click but you could hear you could hear it you could hear me walking depending on what I was walking on if I was walking on sand it was a little bit

quieter but you could still hear it if I was walking on foam depending on how thick the foam was because some foam is quiet a little bit squeaky a little bit like that if I was walking in wet concrete then you'd probably hear more of a slurp like the wetness so you could still hear it but that sound would be drowned out by the well by my next door neighbour moaning that I'd ruined his driveway but on a normal pavement that was you know dry I would make a click click sound and I didn't mind

because I'd never made a click click sound before it was a bit of a novelty to me and previous to that most of my shoes were you know like standard school shoes where they were fairly soft on the ground plus it didn't weigh much so I guess and I actually had to I was so light I actually had to wear quite big boots so I didn't float away I don't have that problem now I have to wear really really really really light boots and shoes so that I don't fall through the pavement and due to

the weight isn't it weird the English language how weight and weight both sound the same it can sound like an insult sometimes for example I was at the dentist and I got called up from the you know the the seated area I was called upstairs I'd been reading one of the magazines so the dentist receptionist said Mr.

Newland that's what he meant actually Mr.

Newland he's usually got people who don't know how to pronounce it excuse me I've got a bit of a icky icky not icky but throat a little bit been having a little bit of coffee and as I said the problems with words is people take it the wrong way it sounds wrong and so I went into the the dentist room and I sat down in the chair then a dentist came out of nowhere and he was he was a really really really large man which I don't didn't even notice but he was really really large

I mean when he was talking to me I didn't even realise there was a window behind him and the window was about seven foot wide but you know anyway just what did he say oh he said oh Mr.

Newland I said yes Mr.

Dentist he said I said he said oh sorry sorry we're a bit late it's been we had an emergency dental you know operation thing that we had to do even went on a little bit longer and I said don't worry it was a nice weight and he said what did he say I said it was a nice weight he said are you making are you making fun of me I said no I was saying it was I was reading a magazine and it was and I was reading a magazine it was some slimming diet magazine

or something and yeah I was reading a magazine and I was just saying it was a nice weight he said but why you're making fun of my weight because I'm a little bit large and I said well I'm not exactly slim myself well I didn't think I was until I saw you and he said that's rude I said no I'm not I'm just joking I said no I don't feel I didn't mean it at all I was literally just saying it's a nice weight and he thought I meant his weight I was making fun of

his size and I wasn't at all I just really enjoyed the the weighting experience in the waiting room it was a wonderful wonderful time of my life you know one of those things that I decided you know what I'm going to start a diary and this is going to be my first entry my first journal entry I might even start a blog call it The Weighting Room and he said I still think you're just making fun of me I said no I'm not at all and then he said oh so how are things anyway are

you okay I said well not really this is me mouth isn't it he said what's wrong I said well it's my mouth he said yeah but what is it about your mouth I said no there's nothing wrong about it's not that I don't like the shape of it it's the I've got like an ache in one of the teeth and he said oh I said yeah he said well we'll have to do an x-ray I said no you don't he said yes we do I said no no you don't I don't need an x-ray I

can tell you which tooth hurts because it's in my mouth and he said yeah but we're still giving an x-ray and I read his mind because I realised at that moment that I had superpowers and I could read minds and what he was thinking was we must start giving x-rays to everyone giving an x-ray to everyone because we get paid money for that from the NHS so needless x-rays for everybody I read his mind and he was also saying something about the dental nurse that I can't repeat so I was like oh that's the problem

isn't it with great power comes great responsibility do I tell her what he's thinking or not and I thought I'll let it go I'll just wait see what happens here because he's being a little bit rude to me today and I'll just do my best to show a lot of love a lot of love and compassion because I remember my granddad used to say treat other people how you would like to be treated but and he did he kept to that he stuck to his word and he he ended up in court about five times

his defence was yeah but I'd like someone to do that to me in public like granddad that's not doesn't mean it's ok just because you want someone else to do it you can't just go up and pat someone on the head or whatever else what he was doing so I'm watching boxing while I'm talking but it's like an old fight that I've seen before and it's muted so it's kind of weird when you take away the excitement of the the audio of it so I've just had an omelette and chips from the Chinese takeaway it's

quite a long walk to get there and it's exactly the same journey back and when I got back I was sweating proper proper sweating I don't know why well I do know why because I was getting hot but it wasn't hot outside but I was all ooh you know and some of these boxes when you take it the excitement of you know the sound and the screaming and the shouting the music and the atmosphere and the build up and the interviews before and all that stuff you know and you just turn it on mute and

watch it without all that it's just two people punching each other seems a little bit a little bit violent really still gonna watch it there's a world title fight on tonight well early hours of the morning here and it starts at two o'clock in the morning so just over two hours away just over two hours yeah two hours and nineteen minutes and it's gonna be as I was watching this it's gonna be the World Heavyweight Championship fight with Deontay Wilder and Dominic Breazeal so that should be interesting to watch and I will watch it I

really will I'm gonna enjoy it as well I'm thinking of eating some of my Maltesers whilst I'm watching because I like Maltesers I like the taste of them I've always liked them from a very early age I wasn't born with Maltesers in my mouth Maltesers Maltesers by the way if you don't know what Maltesers are educate yourself I can't do everything for you they might be called something different in your country they're basically little round balls chocolate coated honeycomb they're lovely they taste yummy and they're kind of malt so it's not really honeycomb honeycomb malt

and they're really nice I used to suck them I used to suck them completely dry all the chocolate so the chocolate would just completely disintegrate and absorb into my gums and fill my blood with chocolate or my veins with chocolate yum yum yum and I'd be left with this little ball so I'd have a little ball in my mouth so I'd be sucking on this little ball and see that the the bag that the balls come in like the chocolate balls and the ball bag I call it a ball bag I don't put the ball

bag in my mouth I just put the chocolates the individual balls in my mouth out of the bag because I don't eat them all at the same time so if I emptied I can only do four or five at a time I can fill out five balls in my mouth these little Malteser balls but so I don't I don't put the the bag the ball bag or the Malteser ball bag it doesn't go anywhere near my face so I just because I like to keep it hygienic so once something goes in my mouth I eat

it you know but I don't like to touch stuff until I eat them so I don't like to sort of touch chocolate and then put it back it feels somewhat contaminated yeah it's like I've contaminated it from me out of myself PowerShare Hydroshot Ready Aim Clean I want one Argos those steam cleaners look really that gets me a little bit excited it gets my drippy tap dripping it just there's something they look so good on the adverts where they use those steamers and they clean anything they're basically if you could get one like the biggest

one in the world you could clean the entire world it's as if you could just you wouldn't need to ever operate on anyone you could just use a steam cleaner and it would just purify the entire body and everything would work out and heal in reality it would just sculpture which is not nice I was thinking about getting one I used to have a little one but I'd like to have a bigger one but then even with the little one I didn't never used it it was more like a like a little hand vacuum you

know those hand vacuums that don't I don't know if they're still about but when they first came out they just yeah it just you know the suction wasn't very good and basically unless you were trying to suck up something that was already had helium in it and it was already like travelling into the air then it could suck that up but they weren't very good the original ones what were they called?

handy vac vaccy vac vac rucksack vac vac in a rucksack rucksack and crack I don't know I didn't mind it but just didn't do the proper job you know but this steam cleaner looks like it might be it might be really exciting to use that might be exciting I'm still watching the box in in there I wouldn't be any good at the commentary just saying oh yeah Golovkin's punching and now Kell Brook is punching him back and they're punching each other Kell Brook just punched and Golovkin just punched and Golovkin has punched him again and

Kell Brook just punched him back and they're facing each other now the referee's in the way of the camera I can't see anything oh no he's moved it's annoying when that happens occasionally it happens when just at the wrong time and there's like a really good punch and there's a knockout but the referee's just standing in front of the camera with his back to the camera and he's the only one who gets to see the knockout apart from the thousands in the audience that are watching and nowadays they've got big screen TVs above the ring

or the sides of the ring because the audiences are so big that they can't see the fight in the ring they can't see what's going on I mean from that far away it would look like two ants playing in the playing violins you know just it would just be too far too far away to really enjoy the full extent of brain damages that they're giving each other I always wanted to be a boxer when I was younger I actually thought I'd be quite a good boxer as long as it was in the ring and it

was you know there was rules because the good thing about it if it's in the ring you've got a referee you've got a crowd watching and you've kind of got to do what you know got to do everything by the book and behave but in a in a reality situation you've got to they might turn up in a tank a missile launcher or something and that's no good I remember years ago years and years ago there was a Christmas party at a club that I was at it was a comedy club and the whole night

was Christmas and people were celebrating Christmas and stuff it was in December I can't remember what year it was probably 98 or 99 something like that and the compare it came off stage and they'd been picking on some people in the audience and they were talking back and he was you know just said something to them and they kept going on so I think the doorman might have asked one of them just to keep it down a bit well anyway it looks like the referee not the referee I'm watching a boxer the boxer started punching

no again that's different this this bloke from the audience followed the compare off the stage the compare off the stage and walked through the club into the bar area and this audience member followed him and grabbed him and the comic pushed him over and he fell over on his bum and he got up and then the doorman got hold of him and this is one of the weirdest defenses I've ever heard ever okay when he was asked what do you think you're doing you know what do you think what the hell do you think you're

doing and this man this audience member said I was only trying to punch him genuine I heard it with my own with my own wonderful eyes and ears my own wonderful eyes and ears and fingertips but no tears as I wandered through the forest of angels and butterflies thinking to myself I only wanted to go to the supermarket how did I get here all I wanted was cheese how did I get here how can I get home but I don't want to go home yet because I haven't got the cheese yet I must have the

cheese before I leave the forest of breezy trees with daffodils drinking out of cups filled with bovril the delight of delights with hippopotamuses wearing tights and land rovers driving through the water the well of infinite wisdom gripping out of the elephant's trunk feeding the alligators cheese sandwiches which reminded me of the cheese yet again needing that cheese not just wanting the cheese but needing that cheese because I like cheese but sometimes cheese isn't all that you would expect it to be because cheese can sometimes be something different from what it was cheese cheese I used

to like cheese I know people that like lots of cheese cheeses and cheeses I remember once I had a JJ and he sometimes had funny thoughts in his head la la la la la la la la la la la la or meringue, like a packet of meringues, meringue nests, you know, you bite into them and they crumble and they go all over the floor but it doesn't matter because they taste so good.

Not good enough to eat them off the floor because I don't have to do that, you know, I just eat stuff that's not been on the floor because I'm not a rodent and, oh, but meringues, they taste so nice, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, and they melt, it's that mixture of meltedness and that toffee stickiness, as the toffee stickiness gets stuck in between my teeth or it's just a wonderful experience. Again, I would consider writing a journal entry over such an experience.

What else I'd like to eat? What I quite like is ice cream and sponge mixed together. Now that's gorgeous. G-g-g-g-gorgeous.

Really, really nice. I like it a lot. I really, really do and I'd advise it to anyone who really wants to enjoy eating ice cream with sponge.

So it doesn't, well, to me, it doesn't really matter what kind of ice cream it is, whether it's vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream. They're pretty much the only two that I like when it comes to mixing sponge cake into. They give you like a sponge muffin or something like that and the sponge muffin can be chocolate or just a plain vanilla-ish one, but you mix that together in any combination of any type of ice cream, whether the chocolate or the plain muffin and mix it and it's like the perfect combination of texture and taste and it's very exciting.

Very, very exciting experimental thing because it is quite experimental. It's probably something you've never thought about before and, you know, I'm just telling you about it and maybe you've never thought about it before and please, you know, if you do go out and patent it and turn it into some kind of a brand and make loads of money, then please give me some of that money because I like, I like the idea of having some money because I've got 48 pence in my bank. So it'd be really nice to have some, some money and then I could go and buy some cakes and ice cream.

Oh, it tastes so good. Yeah. Chocolate eclairs as well.

I like chocolate eclairs, but tell you what else I like. I really like the pastry, the chocolate eclair pastry. So you've got the, what they called, and they're like little real balls.

Again, like you can get a, it's not so much a bag, a ball bag, but like a box bag or a ball box. You get them in a, in a, like a, like a cardboard container and they're frozen, but when you can buy them frozen, they're so nice. Basically shoe pastry.

I don't know why it's called shoe pastry because it doesn't taste like shoes. Um, but it's very yummy. Really, I don't know, I like them.

Really, really like them so much. And with ice cream as well. Such a lovely mixture.

Ice cream can go with so many things. Apart from tea, ice cream and nice hot cup of tea don't mix. They're not good bathing partners.

Separately, they work, but not together, I don't feel. They're each to their own really. And everyone has their own particular like when it comes to certain things, don't they? I'm okay with a cup of tea.

I don't mind a cup of tea, but doesn't really fit together with ice cream. I remember when I first heard about iced tea and I thought, what? I thought somebody was telling me a joke. Honestly, I thought they were making it up.

I said, what do you mean iced tea? And they said, yeah, iced tea. You mean cold tea? He said, no, it's iced tea. Yeah, cold tea.

That's, you know, it's just tea that's gone cold because tea that goes cold, goes cold, doesn't it? It doesn't just stay warm. It goes cold. And they said, no, it's actually, you can have ice in it.

That's what the iced part means. Why would you want to have ice in your tea? And it'd melt, wouldn't it? My friend said, no, it wouldn't melt. I said, yes, it would.

He said, why would it melt? I said, well, if you put ice into a cup of tea, the ice would melt. He said, yeah, but the tea is cold. Ah, so it is cold tea then? Yeah, it's cold tea.

What does it need ice for then, to make it colder? Well, that just seems wrong. Why? Why is it wrong? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Well, why would you want to drink cold tea? It's not cold tea.

It's iced tea. It's a difference. But I don't understand it.

Well, have you heard of hot dogs? Yeah. Well, they're not actually hot dogs, are they? What do you mean? Well, they're not dogs, you know, like Woof Woof, that are really hot. Yeah, I know that.

Well, actually, I didn't. I wish you'd told me that, because I could have probably enjoyed more sporting events, because I wouldn't have been hungry if I'd known it was just a sausage in a roll. So, you know, it's about not taking things literally, maybe.

I don't know what you think. About iced tea, it seems. What about iced coffee? Iced coffee.

Iced cappuccino. What on earth is that about? I do sometimes wonder. I wonder.

I wonder. Why? Why, why, why, why, why? See you on the way. Oh, I wonder.

Oh, oh, oh. If you knew Peggy Peggy Sue, then you'd know why I feel blue, oh Peggy. A my Peggy Sue, a who, a who, who.

Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy Sue, a ho, Peggy. A my Peggy Sue, who, who, who, who, who. I really love that girl, I love you Peggy Sue.

Think it over what you just said, think it over in your pretty little head. I'm gonna tell you how it's gonna be. You're gonna give your love to me, just you know why.

Why you and I, Peggy Sue got married not long ago. Oh boy, every day. Things are getting faster, going faster than a rollercoaster.

Love like yours will surely come my way, hey, hey. Do you remember, baby, last September, when you held me tight each and every night, baby? Blah, blah, blah. Well I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

You ho, ho, ho, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, Peggy Sue, oh, oh, Peggy.

My Peggy Sue, a who, a who, who, I really love that girl, I love you Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, Peggy Sue, oh, oh, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, oh, oh, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue,

Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue Peggy, oh my Peggy Sue, I really love that girl, I need you Peggy Sue.

ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong.

Bing bong bow, bow, bow. Bow, bow, bow bow, bow, bow. Still watching the boxing.

Still on, still on mute. I've got no idea what's happening generally in life but I'm going to end this silly charade and I shall speak to you again really soon. Bye bye.