#191 Let me bore you to sleep (LIVE) - Jason Newland (7th August 2019)

Hello, welcome to me. I look weird on this camera. This is, I'm filming this so I should just do a proper introduction.

This is LetMeBoreYouToSleep.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is LetMeBoreYouToSleep. And I'm doing something I haven't done for quite a while, is I'm filming this live, I'm recording it live on Facebook. And so that's why I'm doing this.

And a little bit of a muddle as far as what I'm doing. So Sherry Macdonald is here. Hello.

I've got this. For those of you that are listening on the podcast, go to YouTube and you can see this. It's, these are all the wires for the microphone.

And it goes for about a mile. It's all tangled. And I just don't know where to put it.

Which is a, it's a problem. But hopefully, excuse me, should be all right. Hi.

So there's going to be a few different noises to normal. And one of the reasons is, as you can see, I've got a carrier bag here with a little ferret inside who is asleep. So I'll go back to sleep while he wants to get out.

Do you want to say hello to everybody? Say hello. Hello. Hello.

So only listen when you can safely close your eyes, as per usual. And here you go. Little Andre is just, he's just here.

You want to get off? He wants to go away. Okay, let him go. There you go.

So what I thought I would do is be boring online. But at the same time, I've got Robin Horton Kalf watching. Sherry says she's going to listen later when she wants to go to sleep.

So there's going to be, there might be a few people come on here that haven't been on for a while. And it's about 2.30 in the morning. These glasses look weird on me.

I don't know. I look like they kind of magnify my eyes, but they don't normally. And I've got a moth.

See that? I don't know if you can see it. It's a little moth flying around. It's not a little, it's a big moth.

But just one moth for some reason. So a quick update. I'm still waiting on the app for my Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis sessions to be updated.

Not updated, but I don't know processed or released or whatever. I don't know what the right terminology is. But I'm waiting for Google Play Store to actually give the, to let me know that it's live.

And then I can start sharing it with people. Oh, the little moth just banged into the light and just fell down on the floor. That's flying around again.

And I haven't done a live stream for ages and ages and ages. And I was thinking about doing a live stream as a 200th birthday celebration for this podcast. Because I think this is number 191.

So I've still got nine left before I get to the 200. But it's a case of just, I'm not sure. Hmm.

So Caroline Spinks has just joined. Hello. This is just a boring, that's not very enticing, is it? To say, oh, come and join my boring thing.

Shall I add some people? Let's see, add some people to come. Just see if anyone wants to come. So I'm just gonna add a few people.

See if anyone wants to join me live. A pity we can't just like send it to everyone. The camera's probably shaking a bit because we're not shaking like fearful, but I'm touching the screen as I press the invite button to people that possibly don't even know who I am.

It's just one of those things that I do. I can't really see the names of the people particularly well. Because it's on a phone, it's very small writing.

That's the thing, you know, to have bigger writing, you need a bigger screen. And because I don't have a bigger screen on this particular phone, I therefore can't see the writing as well as I would if it was on a bigger screen, you know, if the writing was larger. It's not that I want to read books with big writing, I'm not quite at that point.

Although I do remember going into the library when I was younger. And most things seem to have happened when I was younger. And there's always, there's different sections, there was a children's section, which I used to look at because when I was a child, I used to look at that section, but I was also interested in, you know, every other section really.

But the only section where I didn't really spend much time was the section for big print. I didn't spend much time looking at those books. But occasionally, I'd have a little, little look.

You know, it's one of those things, you know, when you kind of, if you do it too often, it's no longer a treat. So I'd kind of have a little visit sometimes. It's not that I'd plan it, I wouldn't put it in my diary.

You know, next to all the other things I'd write down. Like, you know, time to urinate and look out the window and maybe put my shoes on. And with a little caption, make sure you put your socks on first, JJ.

And so I never kind of put in there, oh, and visit the library to look at the big printed books. Although I would put in, you know, visit the library. But I quite liked the big print books because you could see the writing better.

And it's not that my eyesight was, well, I don't know, because I started wearing glasses for reading when I was 15, I think. And so there is a possibility that maybe I needed reading glasses before that time. Because I didn't suddenly need glasses to read the day before going to the opticians.

And I do question, has anybody ever been to the opticians? Anybody that doesn't wear glasses? Has anybody ever been to the opticians and not left with being told that they need to wear glasses? I wonder if that has ever happened. And has anybody ever gone to the opticians who wear glasses and been told that they didn't need to change the prescriptions, they didn't need to change the lenses? Because that's, nothing's ever happened to me. Always need to change it.

It's kind of weird. Imagine if that was like that for the, for the, you know, what is it, the pelvic exam that ladies have to have, I forget, you know, the smear test or whatever. I know that I've, I've had girlfriends, I know it's something you need to do.

But imagine if like it changes every time and they say, oh, it's not there anymore. It's somewhere else. We're going to have to look into your ear this time.

Like, what are you doing? So yeah, I mean, going to the opticians is nothing like having a smear test. I know I don't, I wasn't, I didn't actually expect to be talking about such things as opticians. But I remember I picked one of these books up.

I'm still inviting people. I don't know why I'm inviting people. It's, I don't imagine anyone is going to visit.

But this is a recording that I was going to do anyway. But I would have just been doing it, staring at the wall. So at least this way I can look at myself in the Andre.

Sorry about that. That's Andre. He's always doing that when I'm, anyone that listens to recordings regularly will know that Andre lets off.

He guffs quite a lot. Um, naughty boy, Andre. It's awful.

I mean, I'm trying to be professional here. Yep, professional. Professional.

I'm very, I'm very pro. Not pro everything. So I spoke to my friend on the phone earlier, and she called from, I don't know, somewhere in America.

And it's just amazing the technology that we have now. I mean, I remember when I was a kid, used to have two yogurt pots with a bit of string attaching them. And you'd be in, I'd be my brother and me and we'd be in bunk beds and he'd be on the top bunk.

I'd be in the bottom bunk or one way or the other. And we'd be talking through the yogurt pot. Say, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Of course I can hear you.

You're in the same bed as me. It's just, but it was fun. Didn't have the internet back then.

I suppose if we did have the internet back then, we would have both been playing Fortnite or Weekly or whatever it's called every other day. So I'm just inviting, I realise just inviting people is probably just annoying them. Imagine if they've got, what is it called, you know, when your phone beeps? So people are asleep and suddenly their phone is beeping out of the blue.

I didn't think about that. Because I turn all mine off so I can never get the disturbed. Apart from once, just recently, a friend moaned at me that I didn't have my phone on and he needed to get hold of me and it was an emergency.

So I thought, okay, could I sleep during the day? I said, all right, I'll leave it on, which I never normally do. I put it on silent or I put it on do not disturb. And then I got a phone call five past six in the morning.

I'd only been in bed for about an hour and a half. And it was someone else I know, that was phoning thinking I was somebody else. And I was like, well, and he was saying, what do you want? I was saying, what do you want? I'm asleep.

What do you want? The thing is, when I said, see you, bye. And, you know, because he said, oh, sorry, wrong number, which you don't expect at five past six in the morning, do you really? And he said, also when it's someone you know, and he said, and he went, so I went back to bed. When I woke up, I don't know, midday, one o'clock, something like that, I was sitting in my big black squeaky chair.

I actually thought to myself, I wonder if that really happened or if I just dreamt it. And so I went and got my phone. So it meant standing up from my chair.

And what I normally do when I stand up, because it's a recliner, so I have to push forward. And then I'll normally push up on both hands. But I seem to put extra weight on my left hand, for some reason.

I think the reason is because when I get out of my chair, I always turn left, because there's nothing on the right other than the wall. And there's no reason to walk into the wall, is there really? I've not found any reason. I mean, if it were, if it was some special wall, like in Harry Potter, I could walk through it and it'd take me to Cobble Castle or whatever it's called.

Then, but even then, I don't know, where would I want to go? It doesn't sound like a really good place to go, does it? I wanted monsters and wizards and stuff. It's a bit like, I don't know, just, so I'm not giving you any attention. If anyone is actually online, listening or watching, as I'm actually recording this live, then I'm ignoring you at the moment, not purposely or purposefully, purpose partially, because I haven't got that screen on, because I'm just inviting thousands of people.

And I don't even know why, really. There's no point. I wonder if anyone's actually watching.

There might be some people watching. How weird would that be if I came on and there was like a million people and they were saying, oi, we're saying hello to you, but you're not answering. I've got a message from somebody today online.

It's actually on YouTube, a YouTube video. And it was a requested video or requested session for phobias of bloons. And this lady asked me to make a, if I would make a video, a recording to help with her phobia of bloons.

So I did. And this is months ago. And she left a comment on the YouTube video telling me that it's been helpful for her.

So that was nice. It's always nice to hear that I'm not just talking to myself, although kind of technically I am, but in other ways I'm not, depending on, you know, I mean, yesterday, Tuesday, no, Wednesday, my podcast, I had 2,500 downloads. So somebody's listening somewhere.

Yeah, there must be. Unless it's just one person listening two and a half thousand times to the same recording, which is not because it's different podcasts they're listening to. Plus to do that would take hours.

Thousands and thousands of hours. So I've only got one person watching. Has anyone said, I look forward to listening? Okay.

So, that's weird. I prefer when I'm not looking at myself. That's why I don't really like doing videos anymore.

Because, you know, when you just, you're just too good looking. And it's, it's just a distraction. It's a distraction.

I just, you know, I want to just focus on being, doing a boring recording. But then I see myself and I think, wow, now that's a stud. Now I realize I don't know what time it is.

So I don't know how long I've been recording for, which is a downfall. Because it's good to know what time it is. So that I stop after an hour.

Although yesterday, I did a recording that lasted for about about an hour and a half, I think. So I don't know who's watching. I've got O'Clane Corey, Bonnie Itzowicz-Cader, and Angela Bauer.

And so I don't know who's watching this. So what other things? Why was I talking about my big black squeaky chair? Something happened. I can't remember.

So I was going to tell you a story about that. It was something, something. I do wonder about my eyesight, whether it's going to deteriorate or, you know, I mean, generally, eyesight doesn't improve with age, does it? So it probably may deteriorate a little bit.

But I've got in my family, I've got macular degenerative thing. That's kind of, my nan's got it, or my nan had it. My dad's got it.

So there's a chance that I might have inherited it. So I hope not, though. I mean, it's bad enough that I've been born with a perfect body and muscular physique and, you know, super strength.

Perfection is definitely a chore sometimes. So let me see what's happened lately. So for those that haven't listened to my sessions lately, my update is I now have 10, 10 websites.

And Brooke Hallowell is also watching and Linda, Linda, Linda Marvel is watching. Can you see this? Are you ready? Ready? Do you see that? A little moth literally landed on my arm. And then I just, really, I should let it out the window, shouldn't I? And it got in somehow.

Yeah, that's what I should do. I should try and find it. Is it me or is it starting to look light outside? No, it can't be.

It's not even three o'clock yet. Wow. Yes, I was going to talk about Brooke, but I can't now because she's watching.

Oh, she's the person that's speaking to me on the phone. And that was it really. I was going to say I had a phone call with someone.

Oh yeah, then I talked about the yogurt pots. So yeah, that was the whole story. Not that the yogurt, just if Brooke, if you're watching, I didn't, I didn't talk about yogurt.

It was just that when I was a kid, we used to have yogurt pots with string in between, and we'd talk through it and we could hear the other person, which is quite good. Quite difficult to fit to another house though. I mean, the yogurt pots were great ideas, but as like a communication system for like a city, I don't think it would really work.

Not even for a village, maybe for a house because I suppose, mind you, because if you're going to put, if you make a hole in the wall for the yogurt pot to speak into it, you might as well just leave the hole empty and talk through the hole and have a glorifying conversation. And it'd be glorious. I don't know, give it a name, a glory hole, I suppose.

It's glorious to be able to talk through it. You know, first man's or your human being's first telecommunication system, a hole in a wall. I suppose talking to another person, I suppose that would be the first, maybe, I don't know.

Smoke signals. See, I don't know how that would work because I used to be in the sea cadets and I remember asking the person in charge, hi Susan, hi Tricia, hi Angela. Susan is one of my biggest supporters on here, as well as Brooke, as well, of course.

So thank you for your support. And yeah, my sea cadets, I said to him, hi. I said, I didn't say hi.

We were already halfway through the evening. You say hi at the beginning, don't you? Just like, don't wait until an hour and a half and say, by the way, hi. But so I was in the sea cadets and I said to the person who's in charge, I said, do smoke signals actually work? And he said, we're learning how to make knots.

Can you just make the knots? I said, I know, but I want to talk about smoke signals. And he said, well, why do you always want to talk about things that aren't relevant to the actual thing we're doing? I said, what do you mean? He said, you're always asking questions that have nothing to do with that particular topic or an event or activity or other words that kind of mean the same thing to what we're doing or why? And I said, I looked at him and I said, I don't know what you're talking about.

But my dad has a shed at the bottom of the garden and he keeps, he's an electrician, he keeps all his tools and all of the cable that he uses in his work.

And every day when he gets home from work, me and my brothers would have to carry all the cable and the tools down to the bottom of the shed. It's kind of like a workshop. And he said, yeah, there you go again.

What's that got to do with what we're talking about? I said, I don't understand. What do you mean? And he said, what's your dad's workshop and tools got to do with this conversation that we're having about you asking questions like whatever it was about, you know, fire signals or whatever when we're making knots? I said, well, there is a connection. He said, okay, I'd love to hear it.

I said to him, you know what I love to hear? I like to hear the Top of the Pops. I like to listen to that. And what I do is we record it.

I record it on the radio because my brother's got a job, my older brother, and he works in Tesco's in the evening. So Top of the Pops on Thursday nights at seven, I think, or 7.30, seven. So what I do is, no, it's not seven.

It used to be on Tuesday evening on the radio. That's right. That's why.

Because we had a video recorder, so we could have recorded it on the video, but that wasn't it. He wanted to listen on a Tuesday because then he had the, he knew who was number one before Top of the Pops was on, but he listened to the radio charts on radio one, but he was working on a Tuesday. So what he would do is he would ask me to record it.

But what I would do is I'd have the stereo system on. I'd put the tape recorder in, and there was this block of, it's like one of those stack systems. I think it was on the right-hand side of the room as you faced, because there was two doorways.

It was basically two rooms knocked into one. And so my dad knocked a hole into it and made it a lot bigger. Well, obviously two rooms, one room is one size, and the other room is another size.

So when you join them together, even if one room is only the size of, I don't know, a packet of fish fingers, a little box of fish fingers, even if it's like really little, when you knock through, it's still going to be bigger than it was before. So there was two rooms, but one room had the sitting room furniture, like, was it settees, and there was like this little corner table, but there was settees, because it was, how many rooms was there? It was me, I always have to remember myself, otherwise I forget myself.Me, there was my brother, my oldest brother, who was four years older than me.

There was my other brother that was two years younger than my oldest brother, but two years older than me. And then there was my little brother, who was eight years younger than me. Then there was the parents.

So how many is that? Six people are living in that house. So there would generally be, it must have been about six seats, seatage for six people. Although if I recall, sometimes I would sit down on the floor and I seem to be comfortable doing that, which is quite weird because I had quite a bony bum back then.

I filled out with age and I can sit down on the floor now and I've got some cushioning. So I've got a nice big bouncy bum now, but it's my knees, you know, I can't, it's a little bit difficult to get up off the floor. Before, when I was younger, when I was little, little, little, I used to sit down on the bony bum, but I used to be able to jump up.

My knees were like springs or slinkies that are just like, I just bounce like a pongo, is it a pogo stick? I'd just bounce up, like bash my head on the ceiling and I was just like so bouncy. My knees were just honestly like springs, but a bony bum. I don't know why I had a bony bum.

I was very slim, very slim. And even when I was like about 16, 17, very self-conscious about my bum, having a little, a little bum, never, and I think I was in my, probably in my 20s and I realised that I'd inherited it because my dad's got a small bum, not bony, but it's just, it sounds weird talking about my dad's bum, but, you know, I didn't realise because I never really, never really wanted to look before, just, but I just realised when I was in my 20s that my dad was all upper body, not all upper body. I mean, he did, you know, he wasn't just, he didn't have like feet coming out of his hips.

He did have the lower side as well, but he was like all very top heavy. And I realised that I kind of maybe taken after him. Before that I was, and I thought, yeah, but before maybe my mum had a bony bum, but I don't know.

So, but now I've got a, I've got a bouncy bottom and it's, it's, it is like a, sometimes I think I need to get myself a bra for my bum, honestly. But anyway, that's not really what I was talking about. So the, we're at the city and there was a television in that room and there was a carpet.

That's the one thing about, I can all say about my dad, regardless, he was always working and um, didn't really, never really seen eye to eye on a lot of stuff. But one thing I'll say about my dad, I always, always back him up on this and I always support him on this. No matter where he's lived, he's always had carpet on the floor.

So in the other room, uh, which was kind of still part of the same room, but it wasn't, if that makes sense. It was, it was as in you could walk into it, but it's basically a doorway without a door. I mean, if you take the door off the hinges of a doorway, does it stop being a separate room? See, if I took the door off of the living room door, the door that's here, which is my living room, does that mean that this is now part of the bathroom? No.

Is it part of, maybe it's part of the hallway? No. Part of the bedroom? No. So it's kind of a weird one.

It's like, but the other room, although it's technically the same room, but not really, had, is about the same size, probably a little bit smaller, but possibly a bit bigger. I'll be honest, when I was a young child, I really measured things, rarely. I didn't have a tape measure, you know, on me all the time.

So I didn't always measure things. I think I only started measuring things when I got to about 14, and even then it wasn't the room. So, and I didn't need a tape measure, just a little ruler, because I just liked to measure the gaps in the, on the windowsill, of course.

And in this room that had the table, which is where we would have our, like, celebratory dinners, like Christmas or Easter. Valentine's, I don't recall ever having celebrated Valentine's Day. Although it might have happened.

I have, and this is just coming to my mind now, I have, because everything else was all scripted, that I've said so far, I'm reading off a script, don't you know, everything, I have a faint memory of my parents having a Valentine's night with some friends, I think, which was, I don't know, I think it was, must have been quite good, and they, there was a few of them there, and I imagined, I kind of got a sense that when people got together in this is what I thought, when people, a lot of people got

together, a lot of couples got together, that their memory started to kind of fade a little bit, because for some reason, they all had their car keys in one big bowl.

Everyone kind of put their car keys in there. So I guess, you know, they didn't want to forget where they'd put their car keys.

So I've never had a car myself, and so I don't really know what the etiquette is for car key storage whilst at a dinner party, and, but maybe that is the way it is. And I don't know what, what was going on, really, but there was some strange sounds. At one point, I thought there was a pig running around, squealing and going oink oink, but then I remembered that pigs don't really actually go oink oink.

It's really just like a, like a visual bubble with writing in that you see in a comic or a paper. Anyway, I remember clearing up the day after, because we all used to have to do housework for our pocket money, and that's why as soon as I was old enough, I said, stuff your pocket money. I'm going to get myself my own part-time job and do something else, do something I want to do for money.

So I got a job as a paper boy, not a paper girl. I asked to be a paper girl, but they said, no, you have to be a girl's. And the person in charge of the shop said, look, this is 1983.

We still use a term paper boy. We still use a term policeman. You know, this, this hasn't happened.

It's not till the 90s that we start kind of using different terms. And I said, what do you mean? Do you mean different terms? And he said, well, you know, during the 80s, I mean, we're only in 1983 now. I said, yeah, I know what year we're in.

I didn't. So that was lucky. But, you know, don't always let on though.

Don't let on, because people don't always know. And the good thing about doing a paper round is generally, you know, what the day is, or at least what the day is. So I'd be like, I used to have an early morning paper round and I was like, oh, it's Tuesday today.

And then I think, I wonder what's on television today. And then I'd look at the TV papers, the TV, you know, section. And I'd look and say, oh, Charlie's Angels is on.

Oh, The Hulk is on. Although I don't know if The Hulk was still on at that time. I think it might have stopped being on.

Oh, Mr. Merlin is on. So I don't remember if I had a morning paper round and an evening paper round at the same time. And I don't remember.

And the bloke said to me, you do realize that Diana has just posted a message on your Facebook saying that, hello, you have a soothing voice. Love your ferret. And I said, I know, but I'm talking to you about the, you're going to tell me about the 90s or something.

And he said to me, yeah, but at least acknowledge it and say, thank you, Diana. So, okay. Thank you, Diana.

Thank you. And he said, well, that's better. You need to have more respect and be a bit more observant towards the people that are listening and watching.

And I said, what are you talking about? I'm standing here waiting for the newspapers. And he said, no, I'm talking about when you're in your late forties, you know, 19, no, 19, 2009. I don't bet.

When will you be 49? And I said, I don't know, 49. I'm only 13. He said, I know, but 49, 13, that's going to be 13, 23, 33, 43, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 35 years time.

So 35 years time when you're making recordings, make sure that you are attentive and that you don't ignore the people that are listening and watching. And I said, listening and watching what? And he said, watch your tone, Sonny. I said, oh, sorry.

He said, now, watching what? You say that, well, when you're older, you're going to be making these recordings on the internet. And it's going to be like relaxation, helping people to sleep, help, you know, doing chronic pain recordings, making podcasts, doing videos on YouTube. And you're going to devote your life to that.

And I said to him, are the papers ready yet? He said, well, why are you not, why are you ignoring what I'm telling you? This is important. I said, yeah, it's important, but so is getting home in time to watch Charlie's Angels. So I've got connection available.

So I don't know if this is cut out or not. And he said, well, do you want me to talk about what's cut out? I said, oh, you know what? This gets confusing when I'm having all these different conversations with lots of different people in this imaginary world of mine. And he said to me, what are you talking about, Jason? I said, don't worry.

Can I get my papers now? Because at that time, it had this printing machine. Well, it was a printer. I guess you don't call them printing machines anymore.

It was a printer and it used to print out the address of each, you know, each paper that needed to be delivered. And with any evening, it was the same paper. It was the, so I lost the connection.

So for those listening to this, there might be a little break in connection when I upload it to the podcast. That can be an issue with doing live streams, but in some ways, not hearing me is probably just as relaxing as hearing me. I didn't miss anything unless I was gone for a while.

Letitia is possibly watching. Hello, Letitia Cervantes and Veronica Riordan, as they are. So I used to have these printouts of the places I used to go.

And I remember once when I was about probably 14 or 15, I think 14. I went around my friend's house. I might have been 15, but probably 14.

I went around my house, not around my house, around a friend's house, because we had an afternoon off from school. I think there was like a teacher's strike or something. I think they didn't call it strike.

I think they called it industrial action. And apparently, once I left school, they didn't have any more strikes for years. So I don't know why that is.

So me and my friend went around another friend's house. And we got drunk, which of course, I would never recommend anybody, especially no one under age should do that. But I did.

And out of all of us, I got the drunkest and very ill. I kind of learned my lesson. I don't think I had any alcohol for a long time after that.

But the funny part about it, apart from I completely wrecked the house, his mom and dad's house. That's not funny, but they did forgive me. I hope.

For some reason, they thought it'd be funny to wrap me up in his mom and dad's bed, clovers, like the quilt. And I was out of there, why would you do that? And yeah, so it wasn't good. But so I've been spent all afternoon drinking with them.

And they were drunk as well. But I was just really, I had like a pint of... It's basically my friend got his dad's alcohol cabinet and he just, we had a, he gave me, I had a pint glass with vodka and gin and whiskey and just like pretty, but mainly whiskey, but loads of other stuff. And I was just necking it.

It's like drinking all down, which is a really bad thing. Really not something that I'd recommend anyone do. I couldn't, I wouldn't do it now.

I couldn't do it now. And I wouldn't, and I won't. You can't make me.

And then I went and did my paper round. I went to the shop and I think what I did, yeah, I went into the shop and I got my, I got the bag of papers and I delivered them. I didn't cycle because, you know, I think I walked it.

It wasn't so much about safety. It's just, I couldn't cycle. I just, I don't know how I walked, but I did it.

And then I came home, I went upstairs and I went to bed. And then I got a call downstairs, got called downstairs and saying, oh, it's, it's dinner time. We've got boiled eggs.

Is that okay? I said, yeah, boiled eggs. Yeah. Just what I need right now.

A nice runny yolk. And I remember because Tucker's Luck was on BBC Two and that was a TV show that had Tucker, who was the star of Grange Hill. But you have to, you have to be like my age to really remember that.

And if, yeah, anyway, and then I went upstairs again, I went to bed and I think one of my, or I think both my friends kind of visited me a couple of hours later to laugh at me. And then the next day, cause you'd think, well, okay, I've learned from this. Next day had a hangover.

I got through the whole day at school. Okay. You know, it wasn't easy, but I did it.

The good thing about my, my academic ability at school was me sitting there staring out the window throughout the whole lesson was kind of what I normally did. So it was, no one noticed. And I thought, this is really good because my parents hadn't noticed.

My brothers hadn't found out because if they had found out, everyone would have known. And I'd have got in trouble, I imagine. So no one knew.

I knew to keep quiet. Got through school. Everything was fine.

Went to collect my papers for the paper round. And all I need, all I want to do is just get them delivered, get home, go back to bed and just sleep it off. That's all I wanted.

And I got into the paper shop. And the first thing, I didn't need to, I didn't want to have a conversation. My head was still banging.

And the first thing, you know, normally, see the person that ran the shop, he would talk, you know, he was friendly enough. And I was in the sea cadets with his son, two of his sons. One that I went to school with, I think, was there.

I forget. But anyway, you know, normally he was quite busy. He didn't always have time and he, you know, had to print out all the stuff on the printing machine.

And he had to, I guess, put in the, make sure the addresses and stuff into the computing machine. And then I'd put the papers into the computer paper bag. And he said, Jason, I said, yeah.

And he said, where did you deliver your papers yesterday? I said, what do you mean? He said, you didn't deliver them. I said, yeah, I did. I delivered all of them.

I left here and I got home and I had an empty bag. I delivered every single paper. Every paper was put through a letterbox.

He said, I don't doubt that. I'd just like to know which letterboxes. I said, what? What do you mean? He said, I had phone calls all day.

Not one person received the paper. I said, that's weird. How could that happen? He said, I don't know.

What do you think? I said, I can only think one thing. You know, you heard of invisible ink. You know, you can see the ink, you can see the print and then it disappears.

It must be invisible paper. The paper's there, put it through the letterbox and then it just disappears. Or maybe all the people on my paper route or route, round, they used to call it route or route, it was round, paper round.

Not square, not oblong, paper round. And maybe I said to him, maybe they all got organised like a Facebook page and got together and thought, let's pretend that we didn't get our papers for one day. And maybe we'll get some free papers out of it.

Or maybe a bar of chocolate each or, you know, we'll gain something. Bearing in mind, I was only 14 at the time. I didn't think big.

I wasn't thinking about like suing or anything like money. Just a bar of chocolate was a good, a good win. That was a win-win situation.

And he said to me, what's Facebook? I said, oh sorry, I forget. We're still in 1984, aren't we? He said, yep. Oh, it's 83.

He said, yeah, one of them doesn't really matter, does it? The point is there's no internet, there's no Facebook. I said, okay, okay. I said, I don't know where the papers went.

I delivered them. He said, well, are you drunk? I said, come on, I'm 14 years old. What would I be doing getting drunk? And then that was it.

I think I had to pay for all the papers. So I didn't earn any money that week. Because I think the papers probably cost, but I don't know, probably 10 pence each or maybe there were more, maybe there were 20 pence each.

Maybe there were less. Maybe there were 17 pence each. I'm not sure.

But I think I had to pay the money back for the papers. And also I had to knock on each door that evening and apologize. I was like, oh great.

And the first one, I'm really sorry. I don't know what happened. Apparently the paper was some special invisible paper and it vanished.

And I'm really sorry, please. And I just like, you know, give him a kiss and, you know, just like generally, I'm sorry. Maybe I thought I gave him a cake and stuff.

Marks and Spencer voucher. Then the second one was like, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I don't know what happened. And the dog must have pulled it out of the letterbox and run off. And because the dogs around here are pretty clever.

I saw one the other day and he was using a calculator. And after a few doors, I got a little bit bored. And I think the last house, I rung the bell and they said, and they answered.

I said, here's your bloody paper. And that was it. So I kind of just, I kind of lost, lost the, lost my commitment to apology.

You can only apologize so many times before it no longer sounds real. I think I was happening halfway through. I was knocking on doors saying like, I said, hello, Mr. Paperboy.

I said, hello, Mrs. Paperbuyer. And I said, what happened to the paper yesterday? I said, okay. Yeah.

Um, yeah, I have to tell you something. And I'm really sorry that the paper was not delivered to you yesterday. Very, very sorry.

Okay. Thank you. So I don't know how well that went across.

Yeah. I don't think I got a very good Christmas tip that year. The worst thing about the Christmas tips is the best tipper was the lady who wanted to talk to me every time I delivered the paper.

Whenever I walked up the pavement, she'd open the door. I don't want to have this big conversation, but at the same time, she was rude to me. But she's like, I always wanted to talk.

And I was rude back to her because that's what I used to be like. And we'd be rude to each other, but she seemed to love it. And she kept saying, I'll get you sacked.

I'll tell the, tell your boss what you said and what you said you were going to do to my cat. And I said, don't care. Do what you want.

Makes no difference to me. Just a paper round, just a paper round, just a paper round. In fact, I could do this drunk if I wanted.

She said, what? I said, no, don't worry about it. And she was the best tipper. But I used to try to avoid her.

You know, sometimes I'd paraglide down from the roof and post the thing through. A letterbox, and then I'd climb up before she could open the door. And I'll just, she'd open the door and I'd be like hovering just above her head.

And she'd be looking around. Where is that little bastard? Where is he? And that was good. Sometimes I would pay someone to deliver the paper for me just to that house.

But that ended up being expensive. I was paying, I was actually paying more for him to deliver that one paper every day to that house than I was actually earning doing the whole paper round weekly. So that didn't work out very well.

But she was a good tipper, Christmas tip. I think she used to give me something like £4 or £5 or something. So it was a very, very kind of difficult balancing act to navigate.

And the Sea Cadet leader said, what the hell was that? I said, what? He said, were you rambling on about newspapers and stuff? I'm getting drunk delivering newspapers. What's that got to do with tying knots? And I said, I don't remember anymore, if I'm honest with you. I think I thought there was something slightly interested in talking about smoke signals, but I don't think there is.

And he said, well, you just wasted my time. You realise everybody's left now. I said, okay.

Can I get a lift home, please? He said, okay. And that was it. That's the end of that story.

And what I used to do is, and he said, what? I said, that's where I finished the story about my brother, about listening to the radio, taping the music charts on a Tuesday while he was at Tesco's working. So what I used to do is put the tape in, have the audio playing, the radio playing. I would record it, but then I'd leave the room.

I'd go upstairs, or I'd go into the kitchen, or I'd go outside. I'd basically go to a different coordinate on the planet. I'd leave that particular space.

And then I'd wait until it was finished. And it'd last about an hour, I think, maybe something like that. Because it wouldn't, yeah, I don't know, however long.

And then I'd wait until my big brother got home, and I'd listen to it with him. And that's the end of that story as well. I think the stereo system was next to the piano, just to give you a visual, a little bit more visual quality to the story.

And I had slippers. But I don't remember what type of slippers I had. I don't recall.

No. Oh, well. So that's the end of this boring, let me bore you to sleep.

It was live on Facebook, or is live on Facebook at this moment, but it won't be any longer, because this is coming to an end. And it will be available on the podcast. I'll upload the podcast onto Facebook, even though this video is kind of will still be on there.

And that's it. So thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.

Thank you for just thank you for just being you. And I shall speak to you very soon. Bye