#169 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (19th June 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com This is a let me bore you to sleep. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

Now, I should have a little warning at the beginning of this because I'm in the middle of a thunderstorm. Or there has been a thunderstorm playing outside my window. The reason I'm letting you know this is because not everybody likes thunderstorms.

So, if you're not a fan, then I advise turning this off. Because there is a good chance there will be a bit of thunder playing. Not playing, but you know, rumbling in the background at some point.

So, I'm giving you a fair warning on that. If you're not bothered by it, then continue listening. Because I love thunder.

I'm going to talk about thunder. So, of course, if you don't like thunder, you're not going to want to hear me talk about it. But I'm going to talk about it because I love it.

Also, before I start this particular day's monologue, I'd like to say thank you, first of all, to everyone that listens to these podcasts. Without you listening, I wouldn't be making them. So, thank you.

Secondly, thank you to the person that has sent me some books from my Amazon wishlist. And if you'd like to send me a book in appreciation for all my mild efforts in making these podcasts, then there's a link on my website, jasonnewland.com. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, I'm trying to think when was the first time I ever had a thunderstorm.

Well, I've not had one, but it sounds a bit weird, doesn't it? How'd you get on last night? Oh, yeah, I was with that thunderstorm. I had it. Brilliant.

Was it your first time? Yeah, first time having a thunderstorm. What was it like? A bit shaky to start with. But, yeah.

Can you hear it? It's back to thunder. I think from the sand of it, it's moving away. But, not only am I not sure about it, I also don't care.

I'm happy for it to thunder along all night long and all day tomorrow as well. I love thunder. Seriously, I love it.

I don't go out on it, but I do like listening to it. Mind you, when it's really like proper loud and like proper lightning, then I'm a little bit iffy when it comes to the television being on. I mean, actually, earlier, probably about 20 minutes ago, there was a power surge and everything went off, just like temporarily for like an instant.

But all the lights, TV, went off, everything. So, it won't affect this recording. I just won't be able to see myself in the mirror when I'm making it.

I actually heard a sound during the thunder like that again about 10 minutes ago. And I thought, oh, I better check on Andre, because he's in his cage in the storage room. That's his bedroom.

And he sleeps in there when I'm in bed or when I'm making recordings. Not always, but he, I thought, oh, because, I mean, he's not a dog, but he's still got sensitive hearing, I think. Although most of what he does is by smell.

He's got a very sensitive nose and he smells. He smells. But I had a look in there and he's fast asleep.

He's not interested at all. He's like me, he just sleeps, just loves sleeping. And he's probably enjoying the sound of thunder, just like I do.

If I was in bed right now, I'd just be loving it. So relaxing. It's seriously relaxing me.

So I'm thinking of when I, I think the first time I remember there being a thunderstorm when I was, I was living in Newcastle in a children's home and there was a thunderstorm and it was like an annex. So there was these buildings that were around a kind of a courtyard. So we were sheltering underneath the shelter, which is a good place to shelter.

And if you're ever going to shelter, find a shelter. It's a great place to shelter. How many more times can I say the word shelter? Shelter, shelter, shelter, shelter, shelter, shelter, shelter.

And I, it's weird, I remember having a conversation with someone. I don't know why I remember this. But I was saying, I was having an argument with another kid and he was calling it thunder and I said, no, it's thunder.

He said, no, it's thunder. I said, no, it's thunder. Now that's got to be one of the most boring stories I've ever told.

Don't tell me you don't get your money's worth. That was a boring story. That was pointless.

It ticked a lot of boxes. It first was a subject that no one's interested in. It was, you know, I was talking about somebody else that you're not interested in that I'm having a conversation with.

To make it more boring, I should have told you more about them. But I don't remember, I'd have to make that stuff up. He was wearing a bowler hat and an umbrella.

You know, and spectacles. How I don't know, he was, what, four or five at the time. I just remember it, I remember it.

And I think in what other thunderstorms I remember. I do remember one, years and years and years ago. Probably about 2000 and, probably 2002, 2003 maybe.

Yeah, probably 2003. And I was living in this place, and I was at the top of the building. And it was a studio apartment, like a studio flat.

And so it was all self-contained. So I had my own bathroom, my own little kitchen, and a room with a bed. You know, it was, to be honest with you, and I don't like to be honest if I can help it, but on this occasion I'll be honest.

I quite liked that little studio flat. You know, as far as the actual flat itself. Not where it was situated so much.

But, you know, I quite liked it, it was quite... I'm not quite sure how to explain it. I just quite liked it. But it was... It wasn't the quietest place to live.

But I remember... I don't know if it is at the same time, because I started experimenting back then with making recordings. And, hey, get this. And this is long before I started making recordings.

Like, you know, for online or for anyone else. I made some recordings for myself. Some hypnosis recordings to listen to.

But, you know, just for me. Because I was dealing with anxiety and stuff like that. So I made these recordings.

And I think at the time I recorded, because I had this little digital recorder, and I recorded the thunder. I think it's also at the same time I had an easel. Non-eel, an easel.

And a paint easel. And I was trying to find a way to express myself artistically through painting. And that didn't work.

I just... See, I'm not a big fan of limiting myself. You know, by saying I'm no good at this and I'm no good at that. I don't think that's helpful for anybody.

Because, you know, I just think it's a good idea to say nice things to ourselves. Call me old-fashioned. But if that painting was a meal, you wouldn't want to eat it.

That's what I'm kind of trying to say. It wasn't pretty. I just don't have... I've got no interest in art.

I've got no interest in painting or drawing or any of that stuff. And I kind of wish I did. I used to draw when I was a kid.

I used to like drawing birds out of bird books. Because it's the best way to do it. Because I just don't stand still long enough.

And sometimes fruit, you know. So if there was like fruit on the table, they guaranteed I'd be, you know, maybe two hours into it and my brother would come and take one of the bananas. Just, you know, I'd just start all over again.

And he'd come and take an apple. I'd say, why are you taking the apple? You already took the banana. You took the banana, why? Now I've done this and they've gone and taken an apple.

He said, I took the banana last week. You're still there. I have to eat something.

I said, oh, OK then. And I used to like, this was something I used to really enjoy doing. I had this pad.

Like, you know, a sketch pad. And I used to draw spaceships and cars that were like spaceships and had spaceship stuff. For some reason I quite enjoyed doing that.

And at the same time as me not enjoying painting, there was this thunderstorm and it was a Saturday night. And I don't know if it was because I was high up. Although I wasn't that high up.

I was probably four stories or five stories up. It's one of the biggest thunderstorms I ever remember. It went on for ages and ages.

And it's so loud. And proper, you know, proper lightning and thunder and I think it was one of those summer ones. I mean, technically any other year you could say that this was a summer one because after all it is, we're getting near to the end of I don't know what the date is today but it's about the 18th or 19th of June.

But the summer hasn't started here yet. So that can't be classed as a summer storm. Because you have to have some summer first.

And we haven't. So, I think at the moment the average temperature is about 17 degrees. During the day.

That's kind of the highest 17, 18 degrees. 17 degrees, which is, that's autumn, isn't it? That's spring, that's not summer. However, this thunderstorm was so big.

And I remember standing there, looking out the window thinking, this thunderstorm is so big. And I thought to myself, I wonder if I remember this. I wonder if I remember this thunderstorm.

Because it's so big. And if I do remember it, how will I remember it? Will I remember it being so big? Or will it just be, oh, it's a thunderstorm. That's all it was, just a thunderstorm.

And maybe I'll say it to myself in that way. Which just sounds a bit weird when you talk like this. Just a thunderstorm.

That's not even a normal way to talk. I don't know why I can't stop myself talking like this now. I just keep seem to go, there, there, there.

And I thought, yeah, I'll probably remember this. But I don't always remember everything that I thought I might. But then I can't remember everything that I thought I might remember.

So this, you know, it's a, it's a catch, catch 29. Do you mean catch 22? No, I meant catch 29. Why didn't you say catch 22? Because catch 22 doesn't make any sense either.

Catch 29. But catch 22 is the phrase. I don't care.

Why do you have to be so awkward all the time? I don't know, I just, I'm gifted that way. It's not a superpower, you know. Well, it certainly feels like one to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't feel like that to me. Does it feel like that to you? No, I can't stop myself.

Sometimes I think about some other thunderstorms I've remember. Let me have a think. Oh, I remember once, right.

See, I don't know why I was there. But my dad, and I only remember my little brother being there. My dad and my little brother.

And we were at a, I think it was kind of like an air show, you know, planes and stuff like that. And my dad always liked that kind of stuff. And it went, yeah, and there was this storm suddenly, out of nowhere.

I mean, probably not for the weather people that knew it was coming. But I didn't know it was coming. And we were standing underneath a tree.

And my dad asked, told me to stand near the metal fence. And just to keep, you know, because it had a little cover on it. It's like a little metal, I don't know, like a tent, but it was, you know, it was shelter anyway.

But he said, you go and stand under there, where the metal is, and we'll stand under the tree. I said, do you want to come and stand under here? There's plenty of room. It's fine.

You're okay. And it was one of the biggest storms ever that day. It was really, it was like one of those storms where the rain just fell.

It's like someone was pouring a bucket of water, a really, really big bucket that spread everywhere. And luckily I had my canoe with me. And funny enough, that was made of metal as well.

I began to think my dad knew what the weather was going to be. But yeah, I didn't really have a canoe with me. That'd be silly, wouldn't it? Imagine walking around with a canoe.

I mean, even people that own canoes don't walk around with canoes. I suppose some people do. But not socially.

I mean, I've been in restaurants, not for quite some time. But I'm sure that when, you know, I've been in a restaurant, there's been someone in there that canoes. You know, goes canoeing.

But I've never seen a canoe sticking out from the table. You know, not seen that. Seen waiters and waitresses tripping over the canoe.

And the person with the canoe saying, you should be used to it by now. I come in here every day. I'm a canoe man.

You know me as the canoe man. Well, sure, sure, sure. We forgot.

But I'm the canoe man. Yes, sure, you are. You are indeed the canoe man.

That is one name that we use for you. One of many. What do you mean? It doesn't matter, sir.

Would you like your trifle now? Or are you going to wait until one of our waitresses trips up again? So yeah, there's got to be some people that have canoes. I actually have been in a canoe. When I was in the Sea Cadets, when I was a young lad, about 11 years old, I went to the Sea Cadets.

I started going, I'm going to tell you a little secret now. I've never told anyone this, so I'm going to tell you a secret. I went to the Sea Cadets with my friend.

And we weren't old enough to join. Because you had to be 12 to join. But I was 11.

And I think my friend might have been 12. I'm not sure. But they let me go anyway.

But they didn't charge me. So it wasn't a lot, maybe £2 £1.50 £2 per time. So I got that money from the parents.

And they gave me that £1.50 or £2 whatever it was to pay subs. I think they used to call it subs. And you just pay it every week.

Or every Tuesday and every Thursday. It might be Mondays and Wednesdays or I don't know. Wednesdays and Fridays even.

I don't know. But it was a couple of times a week. And it was like this big aircraft hangar.

And then huts behind it. So it was a big big old place. And although I didn't really enjoy every aspect of it I'll be honest with you I feel a little bit nostalgic thinking about it.

And I was with them for a couple of years. And I did a lot in that time. A lot of marches a lot of activities.

You know it took up quite a lot of my time. Because I don't think I was allowed to work until I was 13. So I had to wait until 13 before I could get a paper round.

I think. Yeah I'm pretty sure. Or was it 12? I think it was 13.

So I went along because I just wanted to I just didn't want to be at home really. I just I'd like it was new it was I could be with my friend and I could misbehave and act silly and I got told off but I kind of got away with it as well to a degree. And because I didn't have to pay the money until I was 12 I spent the money on sweets.

In America that would be candy chocolates chocolate bars chews drinks whatever from the tuck shop. Or it would be the mess hall and I did that for months months and months never told anyone ever. But you know what?

So I was 12 and I was 11 then so 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 It's 37 years ago I don't think it matters now so yeah that's what I did it wasn't planned it was a case of I went to pay the money and they said oh no you don't need to be I think by law they weren't allowed to take it until I

was 12 I said okay might as well just get some sweets which I did and then I got the bug the bug of eating chocolate and I thought okay I won't say anything about this but I think my family enjoyed having me out of the house so much that you know they were basically chucking money at me to leave go to the sea cadets there you are I haven't got changed for 20 don't worry and it was just here's a 50 I haven't got changed for that go ahead don't worry you take that and I

can't live at one point I went away for the weekend and I was very worried that I'd get back and they'd moved home you know but it didn't happen so I kind of kept eating chocolates and sweets every time I went which is the only reason I went because I didn't even want to go but it was free chocolate and so that's kind of how that happened and then when I got to 12 I just paid them like I was supposed to and when I became there's a ranking system you know with military and because

it was the sea cadets is military training for those people not for everyone but a lot of people that may be children that want to go into the forces become you know the navy would be the sea cadets those that want to go into the army may join the army cadets those that want to go into the RAF join the air cadets and I suppose I don't know if there is such a thing in this country but there might be the police cadets but then I'm perhaps thinking of the police academy the film so that

might not be real however there's this sort of a merit system where you get badges and stripes and stuff and you go all the way up to I think it's junior what is it is it junior sails junior junior sailor or and then medium or then then you're able seaman so junior seaman and it had the word seaman in it I remember that and it was lots of different levels and you know quite often it's the older people that the older kids that became higher grades and they could shout at the younger people and boss

them about and all that stuff it's yeah it was great fun for them I'm sure and I broke the record and I think I'll be honest with you I probably still hold the record for taking the longest time to get the first stripe because I misbehaved so much I was so rude and naughty and didn't even try that I I I kept failing I kept you know every probably every three months that I have a like a passing out parade thing where they would hand out badges to people to you know to what merit they've

got and it's involved doing lots of different things swimming tests I think maybe partly for like the higher ones things that maybe you do at school you know but also things like first aid courses fire safety and you know knots being able to make knots and stuff as well as good conduct and having your uniform perfect and all that stuff attendance as well I think see I held the record for taking the longest period to get the first stripe which was I think just junior junior seaman I think I might be wrong it took me

probably two years to get that and well when I finally got it because you know I'd be standing there every three months or whenever it was I'd be standing there and all these people would be called out and they'd march up and they'd be handed they'd salute the captain and he had a big beard and but he's a lovely bloke and friends with my dad I think so my dad used to have a beard I don't think that's the reason they were friends but so the person would be called out it's like junior seaman smith

yes sir and they'd like step out and turn right or turn left it obviously depends which way the captain was because the captain was so right and they turned left then they'd be facing the wrong way and that would it wouldn't go down well if you were just about to receive a stripe or a badge for competency and to be you know like upgraded I don't know what the the right correct terminology of that particular facade was but and I used to watch other people just get called out and then walk they'd march up to

the captain they'd salute and then they'd be given a a badge which needed to be sewed onto their shoulder not the actual shoulder which I found out later on but actually onto the uniform and I think they'd shake hands with the captain and then they'd fall back in which is kind of they'd march back and turn face forward and then step back into the parade all pleased with themselves probably a bit stiffy you know a bit excited and I never got called out I think a few times I said Newland still hasn't got a thing

it's like one of those talent shows like you know Newland you're going home it's like oh okay so but without standing on a stage or a television screen there's no lights went down or anything it's just but that would have been quite dramatic though wouldn't it if they had done that televised it well eventually and I'm talking you know people started going there long long long after me and progressed ahead of me and eventually my name was called out and I marched up did a silly walk you know just to prove a point that I

could not be taught anything and did my little salute with a long hand I don't know probably made a silly joke or something and I was awarded by my I think it was junior seaman badge and the whole place went up for cheering which they don't they'd normally like clap or whatever but this because they knew that I'd taken so long and I'd broken the record for the longest person to have ever been there without actually gaining their first step up the ladder of stripes and you know that was quite a nice feeling it was

yeah it was quite I think the I remember the captain saying something about the last two years had aged him having me there but I didn't really understand what he was talking about I said well we all have to get old don't we obviously not me because I'm young but you know you and he just I'd always have something to say I was always like a little bit cheeky sometimes and so I had my very first stripe now I don't remember if no actually no they didn't have to be sewed in because there was the

lapel or whatever it was that went over the shoulder and you just slid it up I think yeah if I'm correct that would make more sense I think but I might be wrong but there was two uniforms two different uniforms and for the sea cadets there was the I suppose I suppose army type uniform that which would be green if I do remember green top green trousers boots erm I guess still the same hat on a flat white hat and I still remember the smell the smell of my head it's er my sweaty head because

it made your head sweat because it was it wasn't the right material for for anything really and when we went on to parade we had to wear a proper dress up proper fancy dress it was I mean it was fancy it was er well basically if you look at a sailor it was the same exactly the same I think the sea cadets uniform was exactly the same as the navy uniform there might have been a difference but I don't know what it was because there was the thingy at the back the flappy bit er it's

like a like a miniature little cape but it only went down as far as kind of the top of your back and what other things did we have I think there was a whistle er the material was itchy I remember that and it was big which was ok in the winter so because we used to do a lot of marching like through the town on parades erm for you know various different things we travelled I think up to I don't know if it was London but it was somewhere for Trafalgar Day and we were there

with sea cadets from lots of different places there was hundreds if not thousands of us and so a lot of it would be marching with a with a rifle it'd be an empty rifle there'd be nothing in it it wouldn't I don't think they even had I don't think they were shootable I don't remember but they had er they were heavy heavy old things and it wouldn't you'd have to hold it it wouldn't be like with a strap and it'd be over your shoulder and you'd just be you'd actually be holding it the whole time

and your fingers and your hands you'd be so tired and I think the rifle was probably bigger than I was and I think I remember once we were marching and someone shouted out from the audience from the crowd I think it was a kid said Mummy why is that rifle walking on its own and they said no this is the child carrying it it's just really small they said oh and anyway you should know that it's your brother he said yeah I know so I'd be marching with the rifle with the full gear with the

white belt um that had to be was it tip-hexed that wouldn't be right would it would it be tip-hexed that doesn't sound right surely something wouldn't be tip-hexed but it was that kind of bright white for the belt and then it was brass for the buckle bit which needed to be cleaned with brass that needed to be shiny and bright and then the boots um needed to be polished properly polished to the point where you could see your face in it so I've got these boots and I would spend way too much time polishing them

and you'd use a hot spoon and I don't remember how I got the spoon hot I suppose I must have used matches or a lighter or something no probably a candle I can't remember but it put the the um and it would be the toes that needed to be perfectly clear and it took it was a bit of artistic work takes a lot of work to do that so it's literally kind of spit and polish but also using like a hot spoon to melt the to melt the polish and then turn it around and and

just like you know rubbing it in it takes absolutely took hours to get it to be really nice and another thing that we would do is put studs into the bottoms of the boots so they sounded good during the march and used to make little sparks and stuff the thing is with the boots make them really nice and by the time I actually got there on an evening they'd be perhaps dirty because it'd been raining outside and this I remember the captain saying well why don't you carry the boots in a bag and wear something

else on your feet during your journey here and I said well why don't you untangle your beard because you've got half of your dinner still left in there and how many eggs did you have with your chips and beans I wasn't very good with discipline never been great with discipline to be fair so I did quite a few things in the Sea Cadets and canoeing as I was going to talk about I learnt how to dive how to roll in a canoe rather because the first thing you have to learn when you get into a

canoe is you need to be able to escape from the canoe that's the most important thing safety wise so I had to learn to dive and not only that it was a case of purposely rolling over staying underwater for a minute or something and then rolling back now they thought I'd done really well because I'd been underwater for about two and a half minutes and they thought I'd done that on purpose but I never but the water's not really been ever been my thing because swimming is not something that I'm I'm never going to be

an Olympic swimmer probably it's unlikely but if you're going to go out in boats you need to be a good swimmer I think what other things did I do in the sea cadets yeah I played a few instruments as well and er what other things did I do I don't know it's just er I I can't remember any thunderstorms during that period coming back to thunderstorms which was meant to be the the highlight of this particular recording oh yeah underneath the the jacket of the sea cadet uniform the the snazzy bit the proper erm costumey

dress up one was like this white top like a I suppose kind of like a t-shirt but it wasn't it was white and it needed to show it needed to show itself erm across the front I don't know how to explain it but it's I wonder what else there was in that uniform oh yeah wow we had to iron the trousers in a specific way so that it looked like a spring I don't mean literally you know I mean that we were all like bouncing around and you know going downstairs in a weird way but

like a slinky or whatever but they I suppose more like a fan and they had creases in them which if you pulled them together it would they would all sort of fit together and then you let them go and they'd fall down like a like a kind of I suppose like a lampshade really in a sense and I yeah I didn't have I wasn't I could do it but I wasn't it wasn't something that I was brilliant at if I'm honest I did you know I gave it a go um I think on a couple

of occasions I was told to go home because my trousers were just too messy I said go home you your trousers you've got your dinner on your trousers I said what about your beard he said stop going on about my beard will ya I said well you keep talking about my trousers and you know yeah I spilled some food on my lap but what you doing looking at that area he said what I said nothing he said you're getting very cheeky you know no wonder you're not getting your first semen badge and I said you

should hear what you just said there he said what do you mean I said one day one day he said what do you mean one day one day I said just just leave it there beardy I'm going home now not because you told me to no no no it's because I've decided to do what you said what you heard me Mr.

Beardy Beard why are you calling me beardy beard because you've got a beard yeah well it just seemed like an obvious thing to focus on yeah but you're going to have a beard one day aren't you you don't know that yeah I think I do I think you're going to have a beard your dad had a beard I forgot you used to you know my dad yeah I do what do you think he's going to say when I tell him about your insolence I said well once I've looked that up in a dictionary I'll get

back to you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah beardy then I ran off giggling yeah at the same time a little bit worried what if he does talk to my dad what if he finds out about all my naughtiness all the things that I've been getting up to all my cheekiness I think I'm sure you're pretty pretty sure my dad did talk to me once saying I hear you're being a bit naughty at the sea cadets and I remember saying yeah what about it what's it to you I said that to myself obviously I wouldn't

say that out loud I said sorry papa I shall try to correct my behavior in future interactions with said man with beard he said what why are you talking about that I said sorry papa I just am trying to agree with what you're saying and abiding by your your laws of reasoning which seem to make sense to you and your beardy friend he said you're very cheeky I said I am sorry puppy I can't help myself because I had a glass of coca cola and my brain is all fizzy well perhaps you need to stop

drinking that stuff no I think I shall continue drinking it for many many many many many years many many many many years in fact I'm going to drink it when I'm older than you are why?

I don't know I really don't but now it's my life's my life's intention is to do that to accomplish that one that one amazing fate did you say fate?

I meant feet feet what's feet got to do with anything no feet as in um accomplishment ah so why didn't you just say accomplishment I kind of wish I did now oh maybe next time you can just say accomplishment you know maybe just say the word that you meant instead of trying to say things that perhaps don't make sense ah but father by correcting me by correcting me you have proven that you understood what I said therefore the lines of communication were fully open and actually rather successful so go to your room that's it what's

it I'm not going to my room because you told me I'm going to go because that's where I sleep and my bed's there and I'm tired and I've decided to go and have an early night and I'm not going to have any dessert nope I don't want any chocolate or ice cream I'm going to go to sleep because I'm a big boy now I got my junior semen badge your junior what my junior semen badge it's the badge you get when you're when you accomplish certain criteria he said oh okay and who gave you that

badge the big man with a beard he gave me the badge oh okay groovy yes I do believe it is such and now I'm a fully fledged sea cadet it's taken me two years but I'm now of a level of accomplishment I can now look down at others who have not yet accomplished the great the greatness that I myself have I can talk down to them I can look down at them I can feel superior in fact I think to celebrate I shall have some ice cream and chocolate oh yes I shall now depart father

and go and bring me some dessert bring it to me bring it to me now make sure the ice cream is still nice and frozen and add some chocolate some chocolate spread on top not the chocolate spread that you put in sandwiches I want that chocolate spread that turns hard when it's on top of the ice cream so in order for me to get to the ice cream I have to break through that chocolate crust of goodness hello is anyone there oh he's gone oh never mind at least I knew what I was saying yeah

there's been a few thunderstorms over the years but I can't actually think of any really apart from those three that I mentioned in this today's but it's gone I bored the thunder away so I've got to go I'll take care of yourself and I'll speak to you next time bye