#149 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (14th May 2019)

#149 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (14th May 2019) Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes. And I'm just reading a magazine called Real People.

So I'm just going to read through it today and I just bought it. It costs 75 pence and from the looks of it, it's on the front cover, Andres just popped out to do a toilet. That was funny, I just watched him and his tail pops up, it really sticks up when he's doing a thingy.

But it looked like the back of his body was levitating. But it wasn't but it just looked like that a bit because the way he was pushing his back of the body up. Right, so my first, I suppose I should just tell you what this podcast is about for those of you that have not been lucky enough to have experienced an hour with me in these Let Me Bore You To Sleep recordings.

So this is, I think it's 149, I think, the episode, something like that. And I've been doing these since the beginning of 2018. I'm not sure what month it was that I actually started but I try to do them every day.

But I do them regularly. If it's regularly, does that mean it has to be the same time every day? Or the same day every week? I don't know. I'm not always able to stick to a, like a military precision timing, you know, for when they are released.

But I do try and, my aim is to record one per day. And I've also got a couple of other, I've got quite a few podcasts for sleeping, as well as other ones for pain relief and relaxation. And I've got a self help one which is full of individual sessions for things like nail biting and helping people to stop self-harm and lots of different things, smoking and that.

So yeah, if you just go to Spreaker.com and put in my name, loads of podcasts will come up. But the ones that I spend the most time on producing new recordings for, this one, the Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis podcast, and that's, I try to do one regularly also, every day when I can, but I don't always manage to do it every day. And I've got another one which is the Sleep Hypnosis Weekly, which I release a new recording every Friday.

So that's a little bit easier for me because at least in a sense, I know that there's only one to do per week and I'm managing to do that. But those ones are long. So the Deep Sleep Whisper ones usually last about 20 minutes, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter, but around that time.

The Sleep Hypnosis Weekly on Fridays, that podcast lasts for at least an hour. That was my aim for that. But it's not Whisper, it's me talking.

And these ones last for about an hour and it's not hypnosis. It's just me talking really. And the thing is with hypnosis, some people say there's no such thing as hypnosis. Some people would say that everything is hypnosis. So, you know, a lot of it to do is to do with belief. And, you know, the thing is, if you believe it, you can achieve it.

Belief is pretty much the most powerful thing that we have as humans. Some may say, well, what about nuclear missiles? Yeah, I'm not talking about powerful. What about a tank? I'm not talking about powerful physically, like strength.

I'm talking about powerful in a way of being able to change our lives and affect change and make us, you know, increase our happiness. And that's got to be a nice thing, isn't it? It's got to be. So, believing, and for me, it's about believing facts, believing the fact that you can sleep better, have better sleep, wake up.

When you wake up, feeling replenished, you know, feeling that feeling of maybe feeling tired. I mean, I feel tired when I wake up. I don't jump out of bed singing and dancing.

I mean, I don't expect myself to do that. Some people do, I'm sure. But I like to wake up with expectations and interest for the day ahead.

I mean, the thing that I'm, what my life is around, based around these podcasts and the online free hypnosis service that I provide. So, when I wake up, I'm thinking, I wonder how many people have downloaded the recordings overnight? Have I had any messages? Check the Facebook? You know, those kind of things. So, that's what I'm interested in.

And that gets me out of bed, or doesn't. Actually, my bladder gets me out of bed, because I need to do a wee. But that's always been the case.

It's not a new thing. I was born with a bladder. So, it's just, it's a little bit more prominent as I've got older.

I'm just looking at this magazine, and I'm really, oh yeah, also, these recordings, it's just me being boring. It is what it says on the label, literally, let me bore you to sleep. And the thing is, the more you listen to me, you just get used to hearing my voice.

And it's like a, you press a button, and you just feel tired and sleepy and just want to go to sleep. Which is why I recommend, regardless of what recordings you listen to, whatever podcast it is of mine, only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Because if you're used to listening to these, or any of my sleep podcasts, then chance, you might listen to me, and it might just be me talking about, I don't know, the wonders of milk bottles.

It might be a really interesting talk that I'm doing, and like that. And you may feel tired listening. And I'll be honest, yesterday's recording, for this one, let me bore you to sleep, I fell asleep doing it.

And I really struggled to keep my, it wasn't a case of keeping my eyes open, because I had my eyes closed when I was doing it anyway. And most of the time I do, although at the moment, because I've got a magazine in front of me, I find the easiest way to read stuff is with my eyes open. So I, my mind was proper falling asleep last night, when I made that recording.

So I've got my glasses on. But unfortunately, the light is shining in the wrong direction. So I have to have the thing.

But really, I was going to get the dandy, or Whizzer and Chips, or Beano, you know, the kids comics. This magazine is kind of like, it's really bright and colourful. It's called Real People.

So at the top, it says only 75 pence. And it's like, with in yellow, the 75 pence is yellow, it's in a blue circle. The only is red, bold capitals with white outline, and then bargain underneath.

And it's real people bursting with real life, it says. And it's number 19. Which makes me think, I reckon it's weekly.

So it's a new magazine, it's only been around for 19 weeks, unless it's monthly. But they've got the 16th of May 2019 date. If it was monthly, probably wouldn't put May 2019.

Anyway, it looks really nice. You know, the covers all colourful. And there's a picture of a lady with a little boy smiling, the heads pushed together.

They're not conjoined. Well, they wouldn't be with their different ages. But you know, they look happy.

Below that is another woman, a boy, her son, I guess, cuddling, they look happy. There's a lady on the left, you know, sunbathing, she's sunbathing. She looks happy.

And there's a couple of kids, they look happy cuddling toys. Until you actually read what the headline is for each of those sections. And I'm not going to read them because they're horrible.

They're really like the kind of stuff you see in newspapers, that you don't want to read that these don't, you know. And it's like, oh, that's really incongruent. And if you want to know what it says on the front cover, then you can google it.

Real people, number 19, date 5th to 6th, 16th to 5th, 19. By the way, just, you might not know this, but in the UK, we do our dates different to the way other countries might do it. In America, you do it, I was gonna say the wrong way around, but you do it a different way to us.

See our, the day is before the month. In America, the month is before the day. So in America, that would be 5, 5th of the 16th, 19, instead of 16th, 5, 19.

Just thought I'd let you know that in case you didn't. Okay, so let's have a look. And okay, there's nothing there. On the cover. Okay, I can't read that one. For me for this to be positive, I can't, I want it, I don't want to read about horrible stuff.

So I definitely don't want to read it out. So I can't read that one either. So 6, 1, 2, 3, 4. Okay, I can read the one that's, no, that one.

I can't read that one. This is terrible. I don't realize.

Okay, cookery, honeymoon hitches, the best laid plans, quick reads, shopping. Okay, a map. Okay, this, okay, I can't read that.

Health and happiness. Travel time. Okay, can I read that? Because again, it's this obsessed with horrible stuff.

I'm not buying this magazine again. I don't know when, when murder became entertainment. I know it's been a long time, you know, Murder, She Wrote, TV programs and all the different programs, you know, with that title, with it in the title, but I don't, don't, you know, I don't, it's not that I think that entertainment should just be little bunny rabbits running around, but okay.

Your stars, fashion, I'm with the band, Bob's big treasure hunt, puzzle trail. Well, I'm not gonna do that. I don't do puzzles.

So let's have a look. So here's a comedy tot. You go girl.

My niece, Layla, 18 months, is following her dad and grandparents when it comes to being a biker. Look, she's even perfected her stern biker face. Do bikers have to have a certain face? The thing is, see, I'm in England, right? And again, I don't know what the rules are in every other country.

But in England, you are not allowed to ride a motorcycle of any kind without a helmet. So as far as having a perfect biker face, you can't see a biker's face anyway. So that doesn't even make sense.

And that baby's far too young. Anyway, it says, it's got a little baby with sunglasses on. It looks like some kind of a wooden or plastic.

Oh, it's like a rocking chair, but with a bike instead of a horse. Because you know how horses rock. Very realistic.

And it's a little bubble talk thing, you know, where he's supposed to be speaking. There's a big radiator behind him for some reason. And it says, I'm a wheelie cool babe.

So this is the comedy top. Guaranteed to make you smile. Yeah, the headline is our mad world.

So that's this is the comedy section of the magazine. Okay, in UK. This is the one now George, thought to be Britain's oldest goldfish has gone to the big bowl in the sky, aged an incredible 44.

Owner Keith Alleys, 75. One George and another goldfish Fred at a fair in 1974. Fred died two years ago, and the pair have been buried together.

It didn't make me smile. It is sad, really. I mean, you know, like, oh, you know, not sad as in sarcastically sad, but just 44 years.

The thing is goldfish can grow so big that must have been the size of a size of a house. British Airways is looking into how a flight destined for Dusseldorf ended up in Scotland by mistake. Passengers thought it was a joke when the pilot did the Welcome to Edinburgh speech.

The hapless pilot even asked for a show of hands as to who wanted to go to Germany. What does hapless mean? The hapless pilot and I remember hearing that story just a few weeks ago. So it's quite a funny story.

Well, I think they just got I'm not sure why they ended up there. I listened to the story and then I just carried on. Whatever else I was doing, knitting or whatever I was doing.

Oh, look, Lean Cuisine. Dietitian George Hamlin Williams. No need for double-barrelled names.

Just just one, one name. That's all we need. Has done all the hard work finding your healthiest options for eating out.

You know, if I meet someone with and they tell me that they've got two names at the beginning, so double-barrelled names, I don't really, I don't acknowledge, but it doesn't really matter because we don't, I don't address anyone by their surname. But when someone's got a double-barrelled first name, you know, I asked a boss called Sarah Jane once. No, you get one first name.

You don't get two first names. You get one first name. I'm not, where does it end? You start giving our children like 17 first names.

You know, we're shouting out to someone. Oh, Bob, Jason, Richard, Andrew, Sebastian, or Rodriguez, trying to remember all the names. You know, by the time he gets to remember halfway through, the bus has hit him.

You know, he's like, oh, he's trying to save his life. But it's, no, one name. That's all everyone gets, one name.

I am the name place. Apart from Billy Joe Saunders, because he's a boxer, so I'd happily call him Billy Joe or Sir or whatever he wanted me to, because I'd be too scared not to. USA, a Michigan man who moved in with his parents for 10 months after his divorce is now suing them.

Why? He says, because they chucked out his stash of pornos. I didn't see that coming, actually. Neither did he, neither did they. There's a pun there somewhere. 12 boxes full of mucky movies, gone, and he wants £67,000 compensation. Well, that's a bit of a sticky situation, isn't it? Wow, can you imagine taking your parents to court and standing in court as an adult? I want my porn back.

I miss my porn. My mummy and daddy threw away my porn. I mean, I mean, first of all, you'd need to have a list of every single movie in 12 boxes.

I suppose if it's, if it's DVDs, that's a lot. Depends how big the boxes are. The boxes might only be like five inches wide.

See, when I think of boxes, I'm thinking, oh, big storage boxes, but we don't know, do we? He may be valuing each DVD movie at like $700 each, and they're not. It probably doesn't even cost that much to make them. I was going to say I made one on the phone once, but it wasn't really a movie.

It was more a movie. I don't think, I think it's a shame. I just, I think it's a shame.

They're parents. They're his parents. Yeah.

And he's their son. I think it's a shame to let anything come between them. That's what I think.

Wow. So, LOL Lemur shows you this. Mix lemurs.

Oh, mix. I thought it was a name. I was about to go into one of that.

Mix lemurs. I don't know what that is. And yoga.

And what do you get? Oh, lemur. That's, it's the animal. You get lemurga.

Silly. Spa Hotel Armathwaite Hall has invited a group of Madagascan ring-tailed lemurs from a nearby wildlife park to join their yoga classes. They love a long stretch and naturally adopt the lotus pose to warm their bellies in the sun.

The Lake District's hotel owner, Caroline Graves, says, Lemurga offers our guests the chance to feel at one with nature. The only thing that I'm thinking about is, first of all, I don't think a lemur needs help from a human being on how to feel at one with nature. And secondly, how do you invite a group of Madagascan ring-tailed lemurs? It's a hotel and they said they invited them from a nearby wildlife park to join their yoga classes.

I mean, how, how does that even happen? I mean, you can't, what, they sent, what, email, text, Facebook. I mean, what, how, how do you invite them? Do you dress up as a lemur? Hold up a, I don't know, a poster or something saying yoga over there. Humans are doing weird stuff again.

You want to come along? You get yourself in a magazine, get pictures taken. You get to learn about nature from humans. Yeah.

So then one China, a bride and groom found themselves in the middle of the mother of all awkward moments when the bloke's ex crashed the ceremony dressed in a wedding gown. Begging for a second chance. Okay.

But the next bit I don't understand. The wedding MC said, perhaps this is the reality of love. I don't get that.

I don't, is that a joke? Is it a bride and groom found themselves in the middle of the mother of when the bloke's ex crashed the ceremony dressed in a wedding gown. So I don't, yeah, that must be quite annoying when that happens. I mean, I've never been married.

I've never been at a marriage, you know, I've never been the focus of a marriage ceremony. Not like constantly. As you know, I like to fart in places.

So I get a little bit of attention, but it's just doesn't last long. Sometimes the attention isn't actually at me. It's just the general attention in the room.

You know, like, what the hell was that? And it's like, Oh, but that works better in the summer. Thing is to be fair, even in the winter, you get enough people in the room, you can let one off and it ruins everything. It's, it's great.

But that's just me. The love of farts. That's going to be my autobiography.

Is the next one filthy rich. The world has officially gone mad. If you want proof, then cough up 615 pounds and buy a pair of gooky screener distressed effect trainers, which means trainers designed to look filthy, worn and secondhand.

And then they say after that, what a dirty business. Hmm. By the way, trainers in England, as far as I'm aware in other countries, they may be called sneakers.

Don't know why. And I may also be called trainers as well. I'm not sure, but we don't call them sneakers here.

But some, I think some younger people who don't realize that it's, they might be on social media and I think they might not know the difference between American and England, like, what do they call it? Equalism. In a way, it's just saying things. I heard someone, a couple of things I've noticed with younger people is, I'm talking about little kids and stuff, is my niece.

She says center. See, when I was a kid, we grew up, it was Father Christmas. But she uses the American term center instead of Father Christmas, which is English.

Well, it's just what we kind of adopted to say. And then I heard someone said Z instead of Zed. See, in England, we say Zed, we don't say Zee. Zee is, this doesn't, it's not applicable in this country. It's just like some words are spelled different, you know, in England than they are in America. Or root is pronounced rout in America.

Wrongly. And the, so what's his name? What's the rapper? Jay-Zed. So you, in America, they call him Jay-Zee.

We call him Jay-Zed here. And that probably sounds a bit weird if you used to call him Jay-Zee. But it's Jay-Zed.

Because I don't know, we value education, I suppose. I don't know, trying to keep hold of the English language as long as possible. But it is going, I think, especially with text speak and Facebook.

People don't seem to like to actually say words anymore. It's like, I struggle a little bit with it. Because I like to say more words than ever necessary.

And I've had people send me a message on Facebook or Twitter or by text. And they don't, they just put, instead of three words, they just put the beginnings of each word. As if I'm supposed to know what it means.

And even if I do know what it means, I refuse to allow myself to know what it means. Because I believe that the word should be written. Not written, handwritten, but just... Otherwise what? We might as well just do the whole thing, just the beginning of each letter.

I mean, there's enough miscommunication. When we communicate really well, there's still miscommunication. Because people are thinking inside their own heads.

And they misinterpret. That would just make it harder. I love to moan.

I'm such a moany birthday boy. My pawsome Cavachon Banjo likes to be made a fuss of for his birthday. Here he is celebrating being seven, in style.

And that is a cute picture. It's a really cute picture. So they've got a little dog sitting in a chair.

There's a candle with a number seven. And he's got his hat, beautiful little hat. Oh, it's a nice picture.

South Africa. And there's another one. No, that's not interesting.

It's not supposed to be interesting, is it? But I had my limits. So I'm going through the magazine, and it's just horrible stories. That's horrible.

So that's why I was saying, I don't know if it's the same in other countries. Again, I do find this interesting, because I don't, I suppose going online, I can find out what's going on in other countries. And each town of the Western world, I don't know, maybe the same in other parts of the world, have pretty much a website and a newspaper with what's going on in their town.

So it's on the websites and stuff. So anyone with enough time on their hands could find out what's going on in pretty much every town in America, Australia, New Zealand, and all different towns, probably in Europe, including England, Scotland, Wales, Norwich. And I do wonder if it's, if it's the same in other, other countries.

Like with the magazines, if it's just all horrible stuff. The people like to read horrible, and I say horrible, it's real life, but it's, there's no nice stories. Well, not yet.

I've not found anything nice. Okay, another one. So that's not nice.

That's horrible. Okay. The stories are in the infidelity.

So that's not interesting. I'll pay 75 pence for this. See, this looks funny.

But it's not. Again, this and I know the magazine and without, you could say sounds sexist, but this is not aimed at men. The magazine is not aimed at men.

Although I bought it because I'm not, but it seems to be really kind of quite family stories about children and about really just and I've spent a lot of time around men over the years. Never once ever seen one of them bring out a magazine like this. During the lunch break or coffee and said, oh, I need to read a woman's own.

But there's not much for men. I know this, you know, he was trying to move to England, towards a more kind of healthier outlook and inclusion for men and women to stop being so separate and to be more sharing in what they do and to not have the to categorize males and females in that stereotypical way. But I can't, I can't imagine to be fair, I can't imagine anyone want to read this female or male.

And also you can tell it's not for men because they've not put lots of and it's ridiculous, but it's true. Magazines that are aimed at men have lots of females in them, pictures of women. Apparently that's all men want to do is just look at pictures of women.

And sometimes it might be true, but I think when it comes to reading a magazine, I don't need pictures of women to read a magazine or read a newspaper. I mean, there's lots of apparently I've been told there's lots of pictures of men and women on the internet, if you were that way inclined to want to look at said pictures. So, well, another horrible story.

So I've got through, I'm now at page 27 and it's mainly been, and there's a crossword puzzle, which is absolutely not my thing. The day Sasha's son's cuddly toys lost will be a, that's boring, nothing there. I was hoping it'd be something mildly interesting to read. Boring enough, interesting enough for me, boring for you, but something that I can at least, I might as well read me stars. Shall we read the stars for the entire, for everyone? This is for the week, 9th to the 15th of May. Aries, actually I'm just going to read my own.

Virgo, just do it. Whether it's mastering a new skill or exploring a new place, shaking up your routines should feel invigorating. And then it says time to try visiting a local market or gallery for inspiration.

That's actually really positive, isn't it? The whole thing there was really positive. Nothing to do with the stars, just, you know, that sort of superstition stuff, but it's a lovely message, isn't it? Just do it. Whether it's mastering a new skill or exploring a new place, shaking up your routines should feel invigorating.

I mean, that's something that's good advice to anybody, regardless of when you were born, what month you were born. Yeah, that's what I would say. And I would read some of the others, but I can't be bothered.

I think Leo's supposed to be quite a good one for me, if I was, which I'm not superstitious at all. So I don't really, you know, I think it's good to get rid of those things, if at all possible, in order to be an adult. So Leo, so that's for the 24th of July to the 23rd of August.

And mine is Virgo, 24th of August to the 23rd of September. So, Leo, Virgo, 23rd of September. So Leo, it says, breakthroughs are written in the stars.

And with Venus and Jupiter forming a lucky trine, help should appear when needed. What on earth is a trine? Lucky is T-R-I-N-E. Trine, trine? Never heard of that word before.

Time to try. Linking up with old friends this weekend. Nope.

And, well, it's not me anyway, but yeah, so Leo. Yes, I read somewhere that Leo's supposed to be quite a good match for me in certain aspects. Not for me personally, but people.

It's the idea, like, every single person born between the 24th of August and the 23rd of September, everybody, every human being born during those days, you know, in that period of month, all around the world, no matter where you're born, no matter what your situation, I've all got the same horoscope. Yeah, let me think. That sounds a bit filly, but I know some people are really into that stuff, but I'm not into it, but if I met somebody, this is again me being shallow, I love being shallow, if I met the most amazing woman who, for some reason, liked me, and I liked her, and she said to me, what's your star sign? JJ.

And I'd say, because I wouldn't, I wouldn't go into like, oh, it's all rubbish, silliness, superstition. I'd say, oh, I'm a Virgo. And if she said, ah, we're compatible, because I am a Leo, or whatever star sign she says. At that point, you know, she says, and I'd say, ah, and she says, do you believe in star signs? And I'd say, yes, I love them. I always read my horoscopes, have done since I was two months old. I was born, I remember when I was, when I was born, I was about three weeks old, and my mother came into the, into my cot and looked at me and said, what are you doing, JJ?

And I looked up and I said, I'm drawing my horoscope, mummy.

I, I'm, and she said, how, why, where's the roof gone? And I said, I knocked it down so I could see the stars, so I could keep a track of my horoscope and all the alignments of the stars. And I think it's about that time that they got me exercised. But yeah, the exorcism took place.

What will you choose, the puckets or the bucks, the pucks or the bucks? I don't know what that's about. So this is Big Deal Money Pot. You could win £256.

Now, I'm guessing they don't have a lot of money to play with, if that's their golden pot of money. But it's probably a bit more realistic, isn't it, than like £100,000. I'd feel like I'm more likely to win £256.

And I've come to page 32, real crime. Another horrible, horrible story. So I'll get rid of that.

And now, just for fun, give your brain a boost and pit your wits against these testing teasers. See page 35 for the answers. All right, I'll just go to page 35.

Saves me doing the quiz, doesn't it? All right, so I don't need to bother with that. Let me look at the picture, see if I can figure it out without having to put any effort in. Can you, there's two pictures, they're identical, well, they're kind of identical pictures.

And can you spot six differences between these two photos? So you've got 10 minutes to do it. From hit TV drama, The Widow. So it's an advert for The Widow TV show, whatever that is.

I know what TV show is, but I don't know the program. As this one's just for fun. See if you're right, see page 35, six.

Okay, so I've noticed one already is. I think the weird thing about it is what they've done, and I think they've realized it is they've put, they've marked it into blocks of one, two, three, one, two, three, four, four across and three down. And, and also ABC, but they've got these yellow circles with the numbers and the letters in red, bold, bold red.

But it's taking part of the picture away. So I'm thinking, well, yeah, the difference between the picture is like, it didn't have those yellow, yellow circles in it. And those lines, those white lines are across it.

That's probably not what they're focusing on, is it? So six, so there's one straight away, one, two, three. Okay, so we've got, so there's one, two, three, four, five. I think I found the sixth one as well, but it's hard to tell because it's, yeah, so I found six. That's quite easy. What was that, like a minute to find six? In fact, I think I found about nine. So 35, piece of cake, through the grid, prize, answer.

So where is it? I spy, see page 35, 35, 36, 35. I'm confused. Follow flow to page 30, new to the solution.

Easy enter, piece of cake, solution. I spy, A1, A4, B1, B2, C2, C4, A1. A1, A1.

Yeah, I've got it, I've got it fine. I did it good. I was very good, very pleased with myself.

This has been way more boring for me than it could ever have been for you. I now, I now know why people look at the adverts, because the adverts are way more interesting than the actual articles. I'm drawn to an advert, right, and it's headbands or hair accessories.

I'm with band. It says, pick up summers, must have hair accessories. So headbands, and this is the most enjoyable page I've looked at.

All colours and I wish I could wear headbands. That's another clue that it's aimed at women because the adverts are all, it's a little bit sexist, doesn't it? So it's aimed at women, but all the adverts are female adverts, like a female clothing or female items, dresses, and the stars of all of the articles are female. And I say the stars, but Andre.

Oh, that was a bad one. I was opening the window, but it's still already open. So I'm going to leave you on this one.

It's I actually thought it'd be a good idea to buy a magazine and I thought there'd be some, something to, to read out, you know, like something I could read, but it's, it didn't quite work out that way. Anyway, I'm going to go. It's still boring, isn't it? Couldn't have been, oh, this is one of my most boring ones ever, for me.

Anyway, take care. Bye.