#114 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (14th March 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep, number 7003. I think it's 114.

I think. I'm kind of interested just to see how long I can keep it up. Just wondering, at 20 years time, if I'm still doing this, if I'm still doing these Let Me Bore You To Sleep recordings and videos, can you imagine how many will I have done? Oh, by the way, only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes because you might just get really bored and want to close your eyes.

And so don't operate any heavy machinery. So if you're operating a crane, a big massive crane on a docks, you know, unloading containers from a ship, then maybe don't listen to me during work hours. And yeah, so how many years? I'm trying to think.

20 years time, let's say I do, let's say I did five a week. Let's be generous. Let's say four a week.

I'll probably do more than that. But let's say I do four a week. Sometimes I do them every day.

Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do them every two days. Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I'll do them every three days. Sometimes I don't. So, you know, it depends.

Let's say I do four in a week. So that would be four, so 52 times by two would be 104. So 208.

Yeah, 208 sessions a year times by 20. So it's 208 to 2080. 4,000.

2,000. 2,000. 2,080.

4,160. I think. This is 4,160.

Wow. I'm going to lay back just before I let you know that. I'll take my glasses off.

Have a quick drink. The main reason I don't normally lay back in my big black squeaky chair is precisely because of the squeakiness of the occasion. Because now at the end of this recording, I'm going to have to push forward so that my chair is upright, which will cause a lot of squeakiness, which isn't great.

It's not so bad for I've already said goodbye and left it a few seconds and then got up and I can just edit the squeakiness out at the end of the recording. But what happens if I push the chair up, you know, say goodbye, push the chair up and it's only 32 minutes in. Do you see what I mean? It's quite hard to know sort of where I am with the time span because I don't like to go over an hour.

If I do go over an hour, maybe I don't mind going over by a minute. Or maybe two minutes. Sometimes three minutes.

Maybe four, maybe even five minutes. There's been a few occasions where I have gone over. I don't think I've really gone much more than 10 minutes over the hour.

Although I do have this memory in my brain. I don't know why, but it's an hour and 12 minutes. So that might be true.

I might have just made it up. So I did a recording yesterday. Still got a bit of a weird.

It's been a weird day. I've spent quite a bit of the day asleep, but I've been looking after my neighbor's dog and the dog's a big, heavy dog. If he's, when he treads on my foot, it feels like an adult, you know, gorilla is heavy.

He's heavy. Very, very heavy. I've never been trodden on by a gorilla.

So it's a guess. I imagine the gorilla would be a lot heavier and I would be saying, you know, that's nothing like a dog. Nothing, nothing like a dog.

I can't believe I used to say that. And then I'd hear people in the background saying, keep quiet. Don't make any sudden movements.

Why did you jump over the fence? The fence is there to protect the people in the zoo from the wild animals. Why did you jump over it? Just keep still. The gorilla's never hurt anybody before, but you know, you never know.

Stop tickling the gorilla. Leave his nipples alone. No, I can't believe he's doing that.

So yeah, it's a very heavy, big old, big, big old dog. He's just like muscle, everything. Everything about him is just strong.

And Andre bullies him. Andre chases him around and bites the back of his ankles and his feet, you know, his legs. So I have to separate them.

Because Andre's constantly, he runs at him and the dog runs away. He'll help him. And because Andre's much quicker and more agile and tinier, you know, he can get in and out of places.

And on some level, it's funny. You know, it's like, that's my boy, that is. He's taking on a giant.

But the thing is, the dog is a beautiful dog, and he's very gentle. You know, you'd want him on your side in a situation where you'd need protection, because it's definitely that kind of dog that would protect you. But on the same side, he's gentle as anything.

He's just soft and loving. So I don't, you know, I kind of don't like seeing Andre treating him like that. And I think what it is, is Andre is very territorial.

This home is his home. You know, I'm his lodger, basically. And he doesn't like it when he can't do whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it.

I basically raised a spoiled little brat, I think. But I find it funny. I don't know why.

I find it funny the way he does his patrols of the rooms, goes into the kitchen, searches around, checks that there's nothing in there. Then he goes into the bathroom. He will actually open the bathroom door, if it's closed, to go in just to check there's no one in there.

He'll go into the bedroom, go up to the front door, sniff, sniff at the bottom of the front door, make sure there's no one out there. Then he'll come into the living room and just look around, and just do his little patrol, go underneath the chair, go around the television, underneath the table. It's just he's got his little ways that, you know, sometimes jumping onto me while I'm on the chair is part of his patrol.

He'll climb up my leg, lick my face, see what's on the table, see if there's anything that he can steal, any bits of food that he can take, or anything that he can knock off onto the floor, because he loves to do that. And then he jumps off again. And now that the dog's gone, because the dog's been picked up about an hour ago, Andrei, because I had to keep him in the cage, I let him out when I could, but I've had to keep him in the cage most of the day, and as soon as I let him out of the cage, happy as anything, he checked all the rooms, just to make sure.

And he had his dinner, and then he was resting. Had a big sleep, hiding behind the living room door. He's got an old coat of mine that's on there, and he's sleeping in the coat.

He's happy as anything. So I think he likes having people come here, but he likes to bite them. He doesn't bite me, apart from my toes, and I can control him to a little, you know, if I say to him gentle, he backs off, you know, with the dog and stuff.

With the dog's owner, my friend, Andrei bites him on his hand, like proper goes for it, yet he never does it with anybody else outside of the house. It's only when he's here, inside my home, or his home. When we're out, the amount of people, including kids even, that have stroked him, and he doesn't bite.

He didn't have a little nibble, but he's never bitten anybody, but he has bitten a couple of dogs. He had a full-on fight with a dog once, and that was very quick, and I didn't realize it was happening. And it was surprising, because we were in the park, and him and a dog got on really well.

Just like Andrei was behaving himself, and the dog was licking Andrei, and they got on really well, and I thought, this is brilliant. So I'm walking back, this is probably over a year ago, I'm walking back, to my home, and we see the same dog, they just walked around a different way. So I just automatically let Andrei go and say hello.

Andrei ran and went for him, went to bite him, and he ended up inside the dog's mouth. The dog bit him, like, you know, grabbed him. So I put my hand inside the dog's mouth, it was just a natural thing to do, and pulled the dog's mouth open, and removed Andrei.

And Andrei was just wet and covered in, you know, just wet. He wasn't injured, I didn't know, I just had to sort of check him over. But Andrei was going, he does that when he's angry.

He also does it when he's horny as well, which is a bit weird, but he does it when he's angry. He was shaking, he wasn't scared, he was just really angry. And the owner of the dog was apologising, and said, no, Andrei attacked the dog.

So now I have to keep him away from every single dog. It's not so much I'm worried about the dog, I'm worried about Andrei attacking the dog. It's weird, he's a funny little thing.

He's like a bit like, do you remember Scrappy-Doo from Scooby-Doo? It was in the later years of Scooby-Doo. I imagine Scooby-Doo purists didn't like the idea of introducing a new character, especially one that kind of competed with the main character of the show. You know, it was named Scooby-Doo.

For me, really, the main character of that show was Scooby-Doo and Shaggy, because the rest of them, you know, the tall, the one in charge was the blonde one, and you had the one with the glasses, the girl with the glasses. I'm sure they were sold elsewhere, I don't remember who it was. But they were Shaggy and Scooby, and Scooby and Shaggy were always together, weren't they? Getting scared and running away and, you know, all that stuff.

And the other people, they were just like part, they were like extras, really, in the show. So I do wonder how the characters felt when they got told, by the way, we're going to introduce another person to the Scooby-Doo show. Scooby, Shaggy probably said, who is it? That's my impression of him.

And Scooby probably says, huh? That's my Scooby impression. And I said, oh, they've got this new character called Scrappy-Doo. Scrappy-Doo? What's that all about? Well, he's Scooby-Doo's cousin, I think, or nephew.

He's related to Scooby-Doo, hence the do part. But his name isn't Scooby, it's Scrappy. Why is his name Scrappy? I get this.

You know how Scooby-Doo is always running away from everything, always scared, always absolutely petrified of his own farts? Yeah. Well, Scrappy-Doo is the exact opposite. You mean he likes his own farts? No, it's not about farts.

You're not getting the point. It's Scrappy-Doo. What does Scrappy mean, Scrap? Well, it's kind of rubbish, isn't it? Stuff that you don't want anymore.

You send it to the scrap heap. This is going to be harder than I thought. Okay.

Scrappy-Doo. Scrappy as in fighting. You do know this is a children's program, don't you? Yeah, but it hasn't stopped you introducing paranormal stuff.

I mean, you know, ghosts and vampires and werewolves and Frankenstein and all that stuff. Murders and kidnappings. That's X-rated stuff, isn't it? But animate it and it's all right.

Oh, I didn't need a sociology lecture. No, I was just saying, Scrappy is brave. He's not scared of the character that we all know isn't a monster or a ghost or anything like that.

Even my chair's angry. What do you mean, a character you know isn't? We all know, don't we? I don't think the audience know. Thanks, Andre, for making all that.

I try not to say the word noise, use the word sound. I'm going to move the chair up. So bear with me.

You ready? Pretend it's an ASMR sound. Pretend you're getting tingles. You know, you're getting very lazy with these sessions.

I'm not making much effort, are you? Leave me alone. Okay. So Scrappy-Doo is going to be a new character.

He's not scared. And not only is he not scared, he's forcefully wanting to confront, let's say confront, use that word, the specter or, you know, the baddie. The baddie.

Okay, that's interesting. So how popular do you think this character will be? Well, the problem is I think he'll be popular because he's funny. And we've got a few little catchphrases we're going to use.

We don't know which ones will become popular, but we've got a few that we're going to try out and just see. Thing is, at the moment, because we don't have the internet at the moment because it's not been invented, so we're going to have to just sort of get some feedback from some of the comics and the magazines and maybe newspapers and stuff, you know, kids' TV programs. So I imagine they'll be repeating some of the phrases that he says because he's going to be able to speak English.

He won't have, because Scooby-Doo doesn't speak, does he? He just goes... Scrappy-Doo will actually be able to speak. Well, how come he can speak and Scooby-Doo can't? Well, if Scooby-Doo could speak, we wouldn't need Shaggy, would we? That's another thing, Shaggy. Isn't that a bit of a rude word? I don't know.

I don't think Shaggy was rude back then, in them days. I'm going to have a shag. I think shag was like a carpet that you had.

It was also a type of tobacco. So yeah, it wasn't a rude word. Don't know how it became a rude word.

I didn't care. So it's like, oh, okay. So what phrases are you going to use for Scrappy-Doo to test? Well, we've thought of a few.

I've got Herbert here, who can tell you them. Herbert, do you want to introduce yourself? Yeah, my name's Herbert. Okay, Herbert, if you'd like to just tell everyone what you think some of the phrases that we're going to introduce to the new Scooby-Doo.

If we were going to call it the new Scooby-Doo show, we might call it Scooby and Scrappy-Doo. It depends, really. Yeah, okay, okay, yeah.

Okay, so what phrases have you got? Well, first of all, it's me, Sam. Do you want to punch up? Do you want to punch up? That's one of them. That's one of them.

And another one. Stop doing that or I'll eat your kebab. That's another one.

That's another one. And Baps or Round? Because Baps are round. Puppet Monster aren't.

That's another one. Can I stop you there? Baps? What's Baps got to do with... What? I don't know. I'm just giving you some of the ideas.

Some of the ideas. Now, another one is let me do him. Let me do him.

Another one is let me punch him. Let me punch him. Okay, all right.

Any others? Yeah, I don't think this is... This is one of the ones we're not sure. This is one of the ones we're not sure if we're going to really do or not. So, um, let me at him is one.

Let me at him. Ah, let me at him. So they're all kind of in the same kind of confrontational manner, rhythms about them.

But, you know, am I correct? Yes. Yes, I would say so. Say so.

And I suppose it could work. I've got this great idea. What we could do is whenever he says it, so I don't know, for example, you know, he said to let me... I'm going to lick your kebab or whatever it is, you know, that you said earlier.

And you could hold on to his head. Like Scrappy Doo or Scooby Doo could hold on to his head and just push his head down. And his legs could be running, but he doesn't get anywhere because his head's been pushed down.

Because that's what happens in real life, isn't it? You know, so I saw this. I saw this in a cinema once. Someone was trying to run out of the cinema.

It was a kid and the parent put their head down and put their hand on to the head of the child. And the kid's legs was just running, like wore a big hole in the carpet. It was like, yeah, it was sparks and everything.

I'm not sure if that's true. Not true. Is it? Is it? No, it's just the point is you could have that in the cartoon.

Yes, yes. So, yes, that's kind of how Scrappy Doo came in and wasted a few minutes. I've looked after quite a few dogs over the years.

I used to, not Scooby Doo, obviously, but I think there's a bit of disappointment for me when I got my first dog. It was a, what was it? It was this big, fat, massive, huge dogs. One of the world's biggest dogs.

And they used to have them in adverts and advertise brandy. And they'd have a, like a, a wooden thing on a chain, like a barrel, like a little barrel of brandy. And they had to rescue someone in the snow.

St. Bernard's, or you may call them St. Bernard's, but you're incorrect. They're St. Bernard's. And we got one of those.

It's, I think it was in 1984, 1985, probably 1985. And for some reason, it seemed like a good idea to get the biggest dog in the world. And yeah, that was really, really great idea.

And I wasn't, and because I'd spent my, I hadn't spent my entire life watching cartoons and programs about dogs, because I've never really been that interested in dogs, although they are, they are lovely. And, but, so are Chocolate Eclairs, but I don't want to watch documentaries on them. Chocolate Eclair Rescue.

No, it's, I was a bit disappointed when we got our dog, because the thing is, all dogs are little to begin with. And this dog was no different. It was the size, you could fit it into your hands.

Actually, to be fair, you did need two hands, but it was the cutest little thing in the world. Every single puppy is just the cutest. They're just, I think they're just beautiful little things.

And so, you know, we all fell in love with her. Her name's Misty. And yeah, I'll go to bed and she'd, she'd like literally grow about a foot every, every night time.

But it was a disappointment because I was, I grew up, I don't know if the shows are on television anymore, but I grew up on things like Lassie and like Disney, Disney movies where there was animals like traveling across Alaska and there'd be a voiceover of someone talking about stuff, you know, like being the voices of the animals. So, so now they're, they're still walking across Alaska and Bobby is hungry and they're still walking. And then a grizzly bear came along and Bobby keeps his distance from the grizzly bear, but for some reason Tally Wazzle is confronting the bear.

But the bear called Horace doesn't understand, doesn't really understand. He's never seen a dog before. And Tally Wazzle's never seen a bear before.

So there's a lot of confusion all around. And now Polly, Polly Pong is running up behind Horace and Horace looked around, not sure what to do. And then Pandy Wandy, who is Horace's, who is Pandy Wandy's, who is Horace's, who is Horace's, who is Horace's daughter, came up and said, Daddy, yes, Pandy Wandy.

This is, what are these animals? What are they? Are they dinner? And Horace says, no, my child, they're not dinner, not today. Why is that, Daddy? He said, if you look over there, can't you see those cameras? Yes, we're being filmed. Big brother is watching.

You better be real careful what we do. She said, Daddy. Yes, Polly Wolly.

Do you know the names of any of these dogs? And if so, could you repeat them and tell me all of the names? No, I don't know the names. Therefore I can't repeat them to you. Daddy.

Yes, Polly Wolly. Is it okay if I ask them their names? No, it is not. But why, Daddy? Because I have spoken.

My word is gold. My word is king in these lands. I have not spent all these years building up this territory to be questioned by you in front of these underlings.

Now, let us move on forward with our lives and forget this ever happened. But, Daddy, I am no longer answering questions. Please leave a message after the tone.

Was that supposed to be a roar of a bear? It was a roar of a bear. It was the roar of a mighty bear. The mightiest bear that ever lived in these magical kingdoms we call Horace Land.

So how come you answered me if you're not there? Clearly you can see I am here. I'm standing in front of you. Oh, that explains it then.

Can we go now? Yes, I think we shoused. What did you mean when you said shoused? Did you mean shall? Yes, of course, my child. Why didn't you just say shall then? Well, the reason I said shoused is because I was trying to be pretentious.

Oh, oh, that explains a lot. Daddy? Yes, my child. What does pretentious mean? I'll tell you on the way back to our glorious kingdom.

Okay then. Can we go to McDonald's on the way home? No. Oh, please, can we go to McDonald's on the way home? No.

Oh, I want to go to McDonald's. No.

Oh, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's, mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds i want to go to mcdonalds i want to go to mcdonalds i'm gonna get to sing this song i'm gonna get to sing this song mcdonalds mcdonalds i want to go to mcdonalds i want to eat i want to eat i want to eat a mcdonalds burger i want to eat i want to eat i want to eat some fries as well i want to get home i want to get home i'm gonna do something that i enjoy

even more than eating them i'm gonna poo i'm gonna poo all the burger and fries in the well what did you say i said i want to go to mcdonalds no the last bit about pooing in the well yeah pooing up pooing the mcdonalds out it's this is more fun than eating it it doesn't taste that good but pooing it out it feels lovely what is your voice changing i don't know i've forgotten what i've forgotten what the voice was like when we first started this oh i see you're trying to sound not as lame

aren't you from wicked witch in the wardrobes i am not my child anyway don't try to distract me it's all about pooing in the well yes we all do it don't we and that well was where we get our water from that's where we drink our water oh daddy yes if i told you that i was just making it up about pooing in the well would you believe me to be honest i now have to build another well i can't stop thinking about it we might have to move what just because of that yeah just

because of that i have to find another place that has a well and just hope that they don't have a child the poo's in the well so basically you have just disrupted our life hugely daddy yes does that mean that we can still go to mcdonald's what i want to go to mcdonald's i really want to go i just want to go because i just feel so happy when i think about it it makes me so happy i just want to go and have all that sugar and salt and fat i need it i really

need it man i really need it hey my child calm yourself oh okay it's really weird when you said calm yourself all my problems just went away just like that it's very therapeutic that's why they call me the magic bear that's why they call me the magic bear i accidentally pressed the pause button so i don't know when i pressed it i generally don't know so i might have been talking for the last 20 minutes and it wasn't recording it which it can only be good news for you or for anyone really doesn't really matter

mind you it's quite handy to know that i can pause in midstream yeah i'm not really sure what's on television today or tonight i haven't been watching much television apart from like the parliament channel with all these mess debates going on about brexit and stuff like that so i've just been watching them and just yeah how do you feel i'm turning into a zombie a little bit zombie zombie zombie so what's in your head in your head zombie zombie zombie here in question times on the thing is question time is a political program with politicians

and well done andre thanks for that and their questions will all be about what's been happening today and yesterday and the day before with all these mass debating mass of debates these mass debates and there's been like one every night from tuesday wednesday and thursday nights but then they've held all these amendments beforehand they all vote on the amendments and then tonight there was an amendment on an amendment like what i didn't know what to do i was very surprised even the um program announcer that was doing a you know presenting a tv show on

the other side you know talking to celebrities and political analysts and then going back to the house of commons for the results even they couldn't believe it it's like how can you have an amendment on an amendment that's just complicated but when you get a dog for the first time they don't do anything you know they're funny and they're running around but they don't they don't do the things that you see lassie do or flipper admittedly flipper is a dolphin so that's really not a good idea but flipper was the dolphin version of lassie bit

of a busy bozzie that really wasn't he flipper always getting into people's business he didn't really there's something a bit wrong with him i think always into people's businesses and he spent most of his time with a young child a young boy and i'll be honest if i was if i needed help and i wanted to pass on information about some crime that was taking place it'd be better just to call the police or something rather than tend a small child yeah i didn't really do the dogs i did i like dogs but my main

memory of misty was we were all having a dinner sunday lunch my step-mom my first step-mom she actually and my second step-mom beautiful cooks brilliant both of them brilliant cooks and we every sunday pretty much would have a nice cooked dinner it was lovely and i think on this occasion we had a big i think it might have been like a big chocolate cake in the middle of the table to entice us to finish our main course it was like a ghetto i think it was a ghetto big chocolate and cherry ghetto bear in mind

there is how many of us was there there's me him him him so i had three brothers and me so that's four and there was two parents that's six people and then we had misty the ever-growing st bernard running around and like all of us humans and animals alike we all have a little comfort they call it a blankie don't they a blanket or blankie we've all got the equivalent of that whether it's uh something that we like that feels comfortable dogs have it all animals andres got basically for him it's a slipper and it's

his bag and it's something that's got his smell on and everything well misty had because she used to because she was st bernard she dribbled all the time so we used to use this towel to wipe her mouth and she liked the towel she used to chuck it around and stuff so on this occasion she chucked it while we're eating and it landed right on the cake or the chocolate ghetto landed right over i mean it basically covered the entire ghetto with this damp uh slobbered covered towel i think it was blue or blue and

white and my dad took the towel off of the ghetto and put it back on the floor or whatever and i just remember trying to eat that ghetto it was it was difficult it was it was like oh i was trying to think what can i do to get sent to bed without any dinner what can i do this just get me punished i don't want to go anywhere near that ghetto covered in dribble and slobber from the dog's mouth oh yeah it's very weird i can't believe how big she got i've lived with other

dogs i lived with my friend had a dog i lived with him twice and then another friend had a dog i lived with him my cousin had a dog i lived with her so yeah that's what i've got one two three four dogs i've lived with any other dogs i've lived with four no that was it i think four that's enough isn't it so i've lived with four dogs and they are lovely but they just constantly want to do go to the toilet anyway that's my story of dogs thank you for listening and hopefully you're

not listening anymore and you've just drifted off to sleep through boredom but if you are actually listening to the whole thing then it would have been a disjoint about 10 minutes ago when i actually accidentally pressed the pause button well never mind though hopefully no one noticed i'm gonna go now see you later bye