#116 Let me bore you to sleep LIVE - Jason Newland (22nd March 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep, live radio show. So only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes. If you're watching on YouTube, please subscribe.

This is kind of another attempt at an experiment. And I'm just going to stretch my legs out, but I want to make sure that Andre isn't directly under me. So I decided to do a three hour live radio show based still on the premise of the Let Me Bore You to Sleep.

Andre, sorry about that. Andre's, this time of the night he gets very relaxed and, you know, parts of him get more relaxed than others. So let me just have a look.

Oh, I didn't put the sign up to not disturb me. That's all right. I shouldn't get anyone to disturb me at midnight.

I hope. Yeah, and just as I was preparing to start the recording, my laptop froze, which was a bit weird. Wow.

So I'm just going to share, I'm just going to share. Okay. Live now.

So I'm just going to share my, share that this is live, as well as making weird noises in the process. And I was intending on doing this before I actually started the broadcast, but no, the laptop had to close down. I had to just stop working altogether.

It's quite weird. I tell you, that's probably not something I should really share with you, but as I got closer to the 12 o'clock mark, I really couldn't be bothered to do this. And I know it's not the most positive thing to probably say, but I really just couldn't be asked.

I was like, oh, I can't be bothered. I've got to just, what, just talk about nothing for three hours. What's the point in that? I don't know, but we'll see, you know, just see how it goes.

See how it goes. See what occurs. See, you know, see, see what happens.

There's no point getting all excited about it, you know, just, just do it. I think it's because I was tired earlier and I went and laid down and then I was hungry and by the time I actually ate, I was just not hungry anymore and I didn't really have time to digest my food. Not that I needed to go swimming or anything, but you know, I know it's not, you know, make sure you don't, don't do a radio show on an empty stomach or on a full stomach or wait until you've eaten, you know, for 20 minutes before you start the radio show.

I mean, I never saw any adverts like that when I was younger on television, but always revolved around swimming. So now this isn't working. Facebook.

Promise you a miracle. Ah, ah, ooh, ah, ah. Pinky pong, pong, pinky pong.

Ah, ah, ooh, ah, ah. Right. Okay.

I was going to share on Twitter and then that's done. Oh dear. Let's land in.

So I hope you all are okay today. And as I do this, if I do another one, it will be a bit more, not quicker because I don't want it to be quicker because I'm not interested, but maybe a little bit. I was going to say dynamic.

Really? I don't think anybody would think of me and the word dynamic would not pop up. That's what I'm thinking. I'm not really, not really a bit of a dilemma, am I? I'm more of a, not a slug, but for me, it's kind of the, um, I, the, yeah, crawling along slowly.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking.

Whoops. Okay. So there we go.

You can contact me on Twitter if you choose whilst the show is on. And it's just at Jason Newland. Um, so that's Jason N E W L A N D. That's not how you spell Jason.

Jason is J A S O N. N E W L A N D is the Newland part. Went to the chemist or pharmacy. And again, I had to spell my name.

Newland. Oh, can you spell that for me, please? I practically have spelled it to you by saying Newland. Can you spell new? What you mean like, uh, old? Yeah, but new.

What new? As in, uh, like it's a new day and, um, it's like it's a new, a new parcel and, uh, it's a newborn baby. Yeah. New.

What? N E W. Yeah. Can you spell land? What you mean like, oh, I fell down on the ground, but the ground is land. You know, that kind of, uh, I bought a house and it had land with it.

Is that what you mean? Yeah. Land. You mean like L A N D? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I can. I can spell that.

L A N D. And you can spell new? Yeah. N E W. But you can spell my name then, can't you? No, but when you break it up like that, I can't. If it's new, if it's Newland, if you pronounce it Newland, then I can spell it.

I can put out, you know, it's much easier for me, particularly. What do you mean? It's easier for you particularly? I don't know. I was hoping there'd be more words after I said that, but there wasn't, it didn't happen.

Oh, great. Newland. It's not that difficult to spell.

And you say, well, why is it so difficult for you to just pronounce it Newland? Why do you have to say Newland? I'm going to eat a Cadbury's cream egg, by the way, because if I leave it too long, it will be warm and soggy. Just like my heart. Just like in between my toes.

Mmm. Yum, yum, yum. Mmm.

So when you do go to my website, you might think, wait a minute, I'm at jasonnewland.com. The Let Me Boy To Sleep radio show is right at the top of the page. I can see it's moving along. It's, you know, it's, it's active.

It's live because it says live on it. But I can't hear nothing. Which is a bit weird, I understand.

And I find it a bit weird, but you have to press the play button. You don't have to press it, you can do what you want, but in order to get it to play, you have to press the play button. Okay.

Mmm. Right, visitors right now, if one, and that's me, that's no good. I need to have someone listening, otherwise I won't want to do it.

Oh, look, what's this one? I just found something. Oh, that's some karate going on. Oh, wow.

It's ages since I did any martial arts. I used to do Taekwondo until about five years ago. I had to stop doing it because of my lower back.

It was just, it was just causing me so much problems. And so I ended up having to stop. And it was a shame actually, because here's the thing, right? I go to a doctor and I say to the doctor, in fact, it's not just the doctor I said it to, I said it to a doctor, I said it to the psychiatrist, I said it to a social worker, care worker, whatever, whatever, who's doing a physical, you know, checking my bodily functions.

Well, every all of them except the ones I wanted her to check. And she's, all of them said the same thing. Yeah, yeah, you lower back, you won't have the problems.

If you exercise, you need to exercise more. So, okay. So explain this then.

Andre, I'm gonna put him in his cage if he keeps doing that. He's lying on the floor. He's oblivious to what's coming out of his bum.

Um, yeah, so I said, okay, so you're going and saying it's the exercise I need to do. That's what I need to do. Yeah, exercise.

So I won't have pain in my back. So how come I was going to do Taekwondo, I was doing that twice a week. And I was getting pain in my back.

I had to stop doing that because of the pain in my back. I had to stop doing exercise because of the pain in my back. So it's like, yeah, but you need to do it.

If you did exercise, then it's like, I just have to repeat what I've been told and what I've heard previously. Just got to repeat it. And hopefully you'll go away and leave me alone and I can just repeat something else to the next person.

Okay. So I started doing some exercise and actually helped, actually helped my back. Um, but a bit of, uh, it's not so much exercise, more strengthening with the weights.

So I've got some weights here and I, I haven't used them for a few months. In fact, I don't think I've touched them for this year yet. Wow.

I didn't realize Morecambe and Wise, Ernie Wise died 20 years ago. Wow. I loved Ernie Wise.

The thing is, it's weird because he surely hasn't been dead that long. Whenever anyone died, anyone famous, Ernie Wise used to be the person that used to talk about them, that like would play, you know, the news programs would go to Ernie Wise and he'd say, yeah, he was a great performer and she was a great performer and, uh, you know, whatever. And so, Oh, it's very sad.

And, uh, I used to know them. We used to work together, you know, in the thirties or forties or fifties or whenever it was. And he used to be like the running joke with me and my friends anyways.

So who's going to come out when he's dead? Who's going to come out? Who are they going to sort of turn to when he dies to remember him? Because he's the one that comes out. They wheeled him out for everybody, you know, and, um, I don't remember who they wheeled out for him, but he was very, very loved in England. Ernie Wise, Eric and Ernie.

See, when I was a kid, Eric and Ernie were, I'm talking like early eighties and they were probably in their fifties then, if not older. And they were like the biggest, uh, comedy act in, in England, probably more so late seventies and early eighties, but they were still huge. They had the biggest audience on Christmas day and stuff like that.

They were great. That's it. That's all I've got to say about that.

Well, that's that subject covered. What's next? Oh, wait a minute. Well, according to this, there are no visitors right now, even though I'm actually on there.

So I think that just goes to show that it's not real, is it? It's not real at all. That doesn't make sense to me. If you are watching, then please let me know.

There's been two plays, so there's two people watching at least. If you are watching, then please let me know. As I said on Twitter, you can just stick my name in.

I am at, what am I, at Jason Newland on Twitter. You can leave a comment. You can go to my Facebook page, which is, uh, facebook.com forward slash Jason Newland hypnosis, and you can leave me a message on there.

Just leave a message, message, click under. Oh, I suppose you can do it if you're not me. Uh, what else could you do? You could email me.

This is, uh, Jason Newland at hotmail.co.uk. I've just got a message from Linda. Hey, Linda, you're watching or listening, watching. If you're watching, I'm worried, which means that there's a camera somewhere and I'm scared because I've got no camera facing me as far as I know.

But we've got Linda. So that's really cool. Hi, Linda.

And I think it's just, uh, the stats don't, because I've got those two stats. I've got the website stats, which says that there's nobody at all online right now, even though I am anyway. So I know this, there's at least me and it's showing that there's nobody.

So I'm not quite sure what that's about. And on the podcast, it's saying that I've got, I've had two, two plays, which again is a bit strange. It's like, oh, okay.

But then what's weird is in a couple of hours time, it will show me that I've had a lot more, but it just hasn't logged it yet. So hi, Linda. Um, welcome to this live, uh, let me boy to sleep radio show.

So as I said, you can contact me on my email address, Jason Newland at hotmail.co.uk. You can send, you can contact me on my Facebook page, which is Jason Newland hypnosis or Twitter at Jason Newland. So there's three different ways you can contact me and just say, hi, you can leave a message and I can broadcast that message out to the world or to the other person listening, whichever comes first. And although this may only be a couple of us listening whilst it's live at this time, there will be hundreds of people listening to it afterwards, if not more so people will listen.

It's just, uh, it's like I'm forcing it. People will listen. You must listen.

And it's about getting the time right. It's quite difficult because some people are not necessarily going to want to listen to this when they're awake or when they don't want to go to sleep. Some people will want to listen to it for company.

Uh, some people, so, you know, some people will wait until later and listen to it because that's when they're able to go to sleep or go to bed. So the timing is, it's difficult to get the timing right. I chose 12 to 3 because I'm generally up at this time, although really I should be asleep.

Oh, but I figure if I'm up anyway, isn't it better to do something with my time and do something like this than be, you know, watching telly or kind of, you know what I mean? Anyway, so Linda's, Linda Lidner, Linda, Linda Lidner. That's a mouthful, isn't it? Linda Lidner. I'd have, if I went on to Facebook, well I'm on Facebook, but if I went on and did a Facebook broadcast, I'd get loads of people instantly watching.

But it's about growing something, isn't it? It sounds weird. I'm not talking about converting my attic into some kind of, you know, growing place where I grow things that are wrong and naughty, but grow a girlfriend. I suppose I could grow a girlfriend.

You know what I'm thinking? I might actually, oh, I've got an idea. I'm not going to say it out loud because then I'll spoil it. So let's have a look.

So what I'm going to do is, so you guys just said you can contact me. I'm just going to get my other thing. Bear with me two seconds.

I'm going to get my tablet out, which I can write on. Oh yeah. It's all coming together now.

I can feel it. I can feel it in me water. So what I need to do is turn it on, probably.

I always struggle to turn things on. So if I get rid of the website, okay, so I'll close that down. I don't need to have that on.

I don't need to have two of those. So the analytics is saying that so far today, it is three. So it's midnight, but three visitors.

We've known right now, show more. Anyway, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to come out of there because I don't need to be on there. I'm going to leave Twitter up.

I'm going to come out of Spreaker. Don't need to be on there either. And I'm going to leave Facebook up and also have access to my email.

Yeah. And then I can see what messages people send me. Hopefully my tablet will turn itself on.

You'll hear it go. Beep. Maybe not.

I should have it on silent, but I don't know if it's on silent or not. So I had a pizza. I still got a pizza.

I had about, I don't know, less than half of it, but it was very messy. And I've got the tissue, you know, the towels, paper towel, tissue things, kitchen towels on my table. I'm going to call it my desk, on my desk.

And it looks like I've just helped to give birth or something. It's really, yeah, I'm going to chuck that in the bin. We need warm towels.

Well, I have some kitchen roll here. That'll have to do. Right.

Okay, here we go. So. So I'm going to, what are we going to do this? What today, what is today? Let me bore you.

Okay. Right. So I'm just waiting for some questions.

If anybody's got any questions they want to know about me, then just ask. All right. So let's see if I've got any questions.

I've got email here. All right. Question from Rob.

Where is your hair? Okay. Where is my hair? Well, it's on my head. I'm not quite sure what you mean by where is my hair.

I'm guessing you're kind of referring to the fact that I have a tendency of shaving my head at certain times of the year, usually at silly times. I'll give you an example. I think it was 2007.

2007. And I just got, yeah, so I'd started at university doing my degree in counselling. And I started that in probably, what, September.

So we got to December. And my hair was a bit long. It was a bit like what it is now.

A little bit out of control. I don't mean going out at night, causing trouble, coming home late, you know, not locking the doors, just, well, I mean, it just kind of went in its own direction, kind of went its own way, which is annoying. If anyone out there that has hair, and it's a little bit like eyebrow hairs.

You know, I don't know if anyone else is, has this, but I've noticed as I got older, I have these eyebrow hairs that just, they're made of titanium. They're just, they're just made of completely different material. And they have their own agenda.

And the few, they just want to stand out. It's like they've gone along with the pack all their lives, and they've gone on some kind of a motivational course to help them to be more assertive or something. And they've decided, yeah, that's it.

I'm just going to be an ass. And that's kind of what these eyebrow hairs sort of a little bit like. I'm going to stand out and everyone's going to see it.

It's like, no, everyone's going to think that you've, your eyebrows are too viagra. No, I don't want that. And they're annoying.

Anyway, sometimes I feel like my whole hair is like that, just doing its own thing. And it's a little bit annoying. How do I manage to get chocolate everywhere? No, no other messages.

So that's, so it was December 2007. I, it was snowing outside. I feel a little bit nostalgic towards this because it's probably because it was new.

I was starting on a, kind of starting on a new journey. I'd already started on it, but you know, I've managed to get through the first term and was probably feeling quite good about myself, probably feeling like I'd accomplished something. I'd stuck at it.

And although there was a long way to go, it was Christmas coming up, you know, it was fairly easy to kind of be relaxed and it was snowing, which was really nice. But unfortunately the snow led to a lack of transport to kind of get out. And I wasn't able, I'm making this as an excuse, but I wasn't able to get to have my hair cut.

Although there was a hairdresser's just around the corner. So that would make no logical sense, but then you wouldn't have known that if I hadn't told you about the hairdressers around the corner. I really need to just keep quiet sometimes.

Why do I have to share everything? I don't, shouldn't need to share everything, should I? Oh dear. And anyway, so in the place that I lived, it was this, not a bungalow, kind of like had a thatched roof, a cottage, that's it, it was a cottage. And where I lived, there is, as you go in the front door, you just go straight all the way down through the kitchen and through another door.

Yeah, through the kitchen, through another door, and then it would lead you to the bathroom. And before you get to the bathroom, on the right hand side was my bedroom. It was only a small room.

And this is totally true. I can't believe this actually, but I didn't have an electric razor to trim my hair. So what I did is I used scissor, like nail scissors, but you know, the little nail scissors, I used those to cut my hair and it took ages and ages and ages.

By the time I finished, it was Easter, a bit too ages. And then once I got it short enough, I started using a wet razor, you know, like a one with plastic coating and did that with, I think, soap and water, or I might've had foam. I don't remember if I had shaving foam.

Again, it's just like, wow. It was just, and it wasn't even to save money. I just got frustrated with the way my hair was looking.

I needed to do something. So I did this, and then the next day I had a cold. It was so cold because of all the snow and stuff.

I just, I should have kept my natural heating on. Because that's the natural heating, isn't it? We've got the central heating. We've got, you know, like various different heating systems in our homes.

But our hair is our natural heating. And you could say, well, perhaps we don't need to keep all of, all of our natural heating because it's also covered up by other things. So maybe not all of the hair on our body needs to be there, you know, now that we wear clothes and thongs and, you know, different things.

But on our head, if you don't need to shave your head, perhaps you don't. Maybe just leave the hair there. I don't know.

I used to shave my head though for years, and I still, still did. Last time I, I haven't actually had a haircut for, I think the last time I paid for a haircut was about four years ago, maybe less. But I generally just end up shaving it all off.

And it feels nice when it's shaved, but I don't particularly look nice. It looks a bit, I don't know. I don't do it right to the bone anymore.

I don't use the wet shaver. I just use an electric shaver, you know, which means I can kind of limit what length of shortness I choose to exhibit to the world. But at the same time, if you let it get too long, then it's hard to use any length other than the shortest length, because the, I don't know what they call, but you know, the plastic measurer thing that's on it, that doesn't work if your hair is long.

Yeah, it gets too long. It doesn't work anymore. And you just have to go to the metal and just shave the whole thing off.

We don't have to, but you don't have to stop walking when you get to a wall, but that's a good idea, isn't it? So, let's see if I've got any messages on Facebook. Message here, why is it live? Why am I, yeah, why, why am I doing it live? Why is it live? Okay. I'll just write that down so I can remember it.

Is it live? Well, it depends which way you want to look at it. I mean, if you want to look at it in an extra, stentual way, extra stentual, existential. I was talking to somebody earlier today who's a fan of what I do, and we were just chatting and he said that, well, I was talking about how somebody sent me a message saying that they, in fact, I'll read you the message.

Give me two seconds. It's a message that I received. Oh, I've got another message coming through.

Someone's saying to me, give me two seconds, I'll read it to you. I'm just going to my other page, my other Facebook. It was, where was it? An inbox? A message? I think it was a message I got.

Oh, no, it was on Twitter. It was on Twitter. Ah, it was on Twitter.

Okay, let me read you the, I've got a message on Twitter. Wow. Now I'm looking at Amelia Clark for some reason.

Okay, let's have a look at notifications. Jillian on Twitter said to me, I can't listen to your podcasts to fall asleep because they make me laugh too much, or too hard. You are too funny to be boring.

So I was discussing this with another friend and she said, she said, well, you are quite boring. I said, oh, thanks. She said, yeah, but you want to be, I said, yeah.

Linda says, did you get Andre a new harness lead? No, I didn't. Because I don't care about him anymore. No, it was because I have reinforced it myself.

And I just haven't got round to ordering it. But then I'm thinking, why am I going to reorder yet another harness and lead exactly the same as what he's had? He's already got through three of them. And I don't mind if they break.

That doesn't bother me because, you know, they cost I don't know, maybe 20 quid or something. So it's not, it's not that they break that I'm bothered about. It's when they break that bugs me.

So the other night it broke as he was messing around with in some railings and he ended up the other side of the railing in the school and I had to try and get him, excuse me, a bit of gas. It's nice. Lovely, lovely to listen to that, isn't it? Andre all his gas and then me doing my burps, him and his farts.

And, but last year, I think it was last year, whenever the last lead broke, he was on my shoulders when it broke and he was, he fell off onto the floor and was literally about to run into the road. I'm talking a busy, busy road. And managed, I managed to grab him just because it's, the lead is fine as long as all he does is walk.

But it's when he start, because he, he rolls around. That's what he does. That's, that's his thing.

So he doesn't just walk on four legs and, you know, he's rubbing himself against the wall. He's wrapping himself around things. He's rubbing in and out of holes.

And so I'm gonna, I did actually get, I do have a harness that my friend gave me, but it was for small animals, but it's for small, it would be for a bigger animal than this. So you're looking probably at a really, really small dog. So I'm not sure what kind of animal, or maybe a cat, perhaps.

Cats are bigger, aren't they? So, and it was too big for Andre. So I had to, I've not got rid of it, but I just left it there. So what I did is I reinforced it myself using some sellotape and some, just a few, few bits and bobs.

And it's very, very sturdy right now. Probably more sturdy than what it was before. And now I don't take him anywhere where he can get in trouble.

So he's always, I won't take him on any main roads or anything until I get a new harness for him. But I'm just, I'm gonna get a harness. I just need to sort of wait for a couple of weeks before I could pay for it.

That's a nice shawl. Lovely. Yes.

But he's happy enough. At least he, because he was getting really grumpy with me because I wasn't taking him out. Because I said to him, you ain't going out no more.

I was angry with him, but it wasn't really his fault. But I was angry because I felt like I nearly lost him. And I was also, I was angry at myself because I wasn't able to jump over that fence.

And the more I tell the story, the bigger the fence gets, I've noticed. So it's now about 17 foot tall in my latest stories about the fence. And I think even Donald Trump would be pleased with that.

It's a big old wall. But in reality, it didn't go up to my chest at all. It was probably up to my belly button.

Because I was standing next to it today. And I was like, oh, I didn't just exaggerate it to other people, I exaggerated it to myself. Because if I was a bit embarrassed that I couldn't actually jump over something like that, it wouldn't be that low.

But to be fair, if it was just a standard flat surface, I probably could have got over it a lot easier. But this was like a school, well, it wasn't like it was a school fence. So it's curvy, and then flat curvy.

So there's lots of gaps. So you can't, there's nowhere to sort of put your hands or anything sort of to jump over. And so I was a little bit embarrassed about that.

And also, in my mind, I would do absolutely anything to protect Andre. And to make sure he's safe. I'd do absolutely anything.

There's no physical feat that I couldn't accomplish. But in reality, I couldn't even jump over a little fence, a little gate to get to him in time. And the reality, if he'd been the other side, he'd have been in the road.

But because it was the other, it was the, you know, he climbed onto the other side of the road, the other side of the fence. And my glasses were on the floor, couldn't see anything anyway, it was black outside because the lights were turned off. I kind of found him through hearing.

I could kind of just hear and saw a little bit of movement. And I got him, but he wasn't interested in me. He was so excited to just be free and to go exploring.

He had no interest in what I was doing. The fact that I was laying on my back, I still injured, I injured myself, I didn't realize until there's one of those moments where I thought, well, not at the time, but afterwards I thought, I'm going to feel that in the morning. You know, it's like when you put a pizza, cold pizza in the fridge, I'm going to eat that in the morning.

Like I'm going to feel that in the morning. And I was surprised because I did hurt my lower back a little bit. That didn't surprise me.

But I think that was more to do with the jumping over the fence and stuff. What I was surprised is the left side of my neck has been painful for the last few days. And it's like, wow, what on earth is that about? It's, it still hurts, but it's less now.

So I guess that must have been the way I landed or who knows, who knows what did that. It's, I think that's a problem. I think what it is, is my body is so perfectly aligned that anything that pushes it out of whack causes a little bit of problems.

It's like I've got the perfect machine that's going or, you know, so that's, I think that's perhaps what it was. I'll have a little drink. So I've nearly wasted the first hour, which is nice because it's important.

So just remember Twitter is at Jason Newland. Facebook is Jason Newland Hypnosis. And my email address Jason Newland at hotmail.co.uk. They're the three places you can get hold of me, contact me, send me a message.

And I will share your message with the other people that are also listening. Yeah, you know, I'd really like to do, I would like to have music. I'm saying like, like it's like some kind of amazing idea that no one's ever thought about.

Wow, you mean play music as well as talk? Wow. You mean like a radio station? Wow. Yeah, I do mean that.

I just think it'd be so cool to be able to play some songs because I'm quite eclectic. And I, I like songs from all, I'm not going to explain to you what eclectic means. But I really do appreciate songs from all eras.

You know, even like jazz, the blues, you know, just, I'm not a massive fan of any particular genre, maybe pop. But I've gone through phases where I've loved country and western. And then there's those singers that have become bigger than the type of music they were playing.

You know, someone like Garth Brooks, he was the biggest performing artist in the world. And it wasn't because of country and westerns. It was because of him, because of what he did, because he was so great.

And yeah, I love him. Sorry, I do. I really, really loved listening to his songs in the 90s.

And another one would be, so look, so Johnny Cash, what would he be classed as? Apart from dead? I mean, what would he be classed as? The style of music that he sings? It was kind of country and western, wasn't it? But again, it was sort of his own style. Yeah, brilliant, brilliant artist. And as a young lad, I used to, there was a lot of crossover artists.

I suppose Dolly Parton was one of the big ones that I remember. And there's a couple of things I remember about her is the, because she was in that film 9 to 5, wasn't she? But she also had the songs. So I remember seeing her.

Yeah, I remember seeing her in the charts, like 9 to 5, what are we to make a living? And Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm begging her, please don't take my man. I mean, come on, Dolly, ain't no one going to take your man. I think, if any human being could feel safe that their husband or wife is not going to cheat on them, I think Dolly Parton would be one of those.

Elvis Presley, you know, they're kind of, you ain't going to get another Elvis anywhere else. You're not going to get another Dolly anywhere else. That's got nothing to do with her hair.

I find it weird, Dolly, she kind of shrunk over the years. She got shorter. I still haven't seen that Bertie Reynolds film.

And the last one he did, the one he did before he left forever. It's quite weird. You know, I find it strange is being at the age that I am, I told someone the other day how old I was.

She sells the big issue, she's homeless, kind of, she sells the big issue. And she says to me, how old are you? So I kind of got to know her over the last month or so, just been trying to help her out a little bit, getting her a bit of food and stuff and whatever. And how old are you, I said.

For the first time, actually, I was a little bit embarrassed to say my age. Normally, I don't care. Normally, I do not care.

I tell everyone my age. People don't even want to know. You know, for some reason, this situation, I was a bit embarrassed.

You know, people say to me, look, I don't care how old you are. I'm trying to do an operation here. Please remove him.

You know, it's like, but I'm 48. I'm 48, you know, I'll be 49 this year in August. 49.

But when she asked me my age, I said, I did that thing that is ridiculous that I kind of don't think anyone should ever ask because no one ever wants to answer it. And if anyone asks me, I always answer ridiculously. You know, but I did, I did it.

Cliché, I said, how old do you think I am? And she said, 37, 38 or whatever, something like that. I said, no, I'm 48. Yeah, I win.

And I thought, oh, she thinks I was younger. Thing is, when anyone says that to me, I said, well, how old do you think I am? I say to them, even if they look, you know, 30 or 25, I say, 73, 94. And they say, oh, are you serious? Don't, come on, just tell me how old you really think I am.

I said, 74. That's what I said. Did you not hear me? So I don't like to play those games.

But yeah, I played the game myself. I don't know why. I was embarrassed.

Embarrassed to just be what I am. I said, how come you look so much younger? An old man, getting on a little bit. She said, how come you look so much younger? And I said, because I'm lazy.

Very, very lazy. Lazy people look younger than they really are. I don't even know if I do look younger than I am.

It's hard to tell, isn't it? Who's to judge these things? You know, I think I look all right, all things considered. Whatever that means. I don't look old, old.

But then what is old anymore? Who knows? Who knows what old is? By the way, if you're listening to this when it's not live, you're still welcome to leave messages and I will comment. If they're worthy of my attention, I shall read the messages and the stuff out next time I'm live. So, you know, you may be listening to this at 10 o'clock in the morning and I might be, well, I will be asleep hopefully at that particular time.

And you may think, oh, I want to leave a comment. Oh, he keeps saying his email address is jasonnewland.mail.co.uk. I want to send an email. Oh, is he Twix? He's Twicker.

Twitter is at Jason Newland. Oh, I shall leave him a message. Maybe I'll even follow him.

I'll follow him on Twitter. I can't say Twitter without tweeting. Oh, well, sorry about that.

You can leave messages. You can. Wow.

Oh, that's interesting. I've got a message here. Oh, the message here from someone saying, I am a Christian who likes the simplicity of life.

I'm not interested in porn, racism, foul language or disparaging remarks about my faith. I'm guessing a full stop was needed there. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

It's not really what Twitter is for, is it? People do sort of like to share their thoughts, otherwise Twitter wouldn't exist. But anyway, what I share isn't always my views, but sometimes share things that may offend. I apologized in advance.

That's interesting. That's kind of a weird. I'm not interested.

I don't want to be offended, but I might send postings that might offend others and put in porn together with a group of things like racism, foul language, disparaging remarks. Well, forget foul language, but, you know, porn and racism, it's not. I don't see how they would fit into the same categorization.

There you go. That was, this is one of my messages that was sent to me. Well, I don't think it was sent to me personally.

Portillo, I wonder what that's about. Portillo. Antigerti for number 30.

So this is a Brexit-free zone, by the way, so you can come here and enjoy the quietness of not hearing about politics at all. No politics, no Donald Trump, no Desmond Putin, Tutu, or Theresa May, or Hitler, or, I don't know, any other political figures. They're all gone, and I'm not part of this period of time.

We're in a time-free zone. It's the place where none of that crap happens, or is important. It's all gone.

It's gone away. Bye-bye. You can just relax.

So we're into the second hour of let me bore you to sleep. So if you're not bored by now, you should really be bored by now, because boredom is the name of the game. Because the good thing about being bored is it allows you to just switch off your mind, and no longer need or even care about paying attention to anything at all.

Anything at all. Nothing needs your attention. Nothing requires you to think or feel anything, about anything.

And just as I said that, fridge-freezer came to a standstill. It still started, you know, when they come on and off, and yeah. But it sounded like it was, I might be the saucepan that's on top of the freezer, and maybe it rattled slightly.

Maybe that's what it was. That would make sense. I've been thinking about doing, I've got this tablet, I've been thinking about doing some artwork.

And I don't know, I might, the things, I went onto this art app, where you basically, it kind of shows you what to do, and then you just copy it. And I did it, and it looked really, really rubbish. Oh God, you know, this is totally true.

I can't believe I'm telling you this, but this is 100% true. My friend showed me a picture. I went around his house and showed me a picture.

And I said, oh, did your three-year-old draw that? Or, you know, paint that picture? I didn't say, did your three-year-old, but his son was three years old. So I said, did your son, you know, but for the sake of the tape, because otherwise, how would you know he was three? So yeah, so did your three-year-old do that? And he said, no, it was me. And I started laughing.

And it was one of those situations where I knew it was wrong. I don't always know when things are wrong. And I sometimes do wonder where my moral compass is at times, but I, it hides from me sometimes, the moral compass.

So where is it today? Oh, I have to go through the whole day without a moral compass. Okay, I'll do my best. But the more I started thinking about it, the funnier it became.

And it wasn't funny. I wasn't laughing at his picture anymore. I was just laughing at what I had said and how it was probably the worst.

You know, the only way it could have been worse is if I had said, if he'd have showed a picture and I said, oh, what a pile of crap. And he said, oh, that was my son do that. That was my three-year-old son, you know, then that would have been worse or worse would have been if he'd showed it to me.

And I just grabbed it off him and just started wiping my ass with it. And he said, that was my son. You know, obviously I wouldn't do that.

And that was not something that anyone would do, is it? But I'm just saying it to make it worse. I mean, you know, this if I set fire to it and just chucked it into his house, burning the house down, that would have been worse, obviously, you know. But I just, I found it funny that I'd said that.

That I'd said to him, oh, just assuming that it was his boy, it was his three-year-old that drew it and painted it. And it wasn't, I knew that it was wrong. I knew that it was wrong to laugh.

But I couldn't stop. It was just, and I don't even know how much of the laughter was external compared to internal. It was like trying to hold a fart in during a prostate exam.

You know, it was just, it was, you know, it's like, this is going to be difficult. Yet surprising for the doctor at some point. I'm giving you all the good stuff today.

I had this friend and uh, yeah, I'll tell you. Okay, I had a friend and he, basically, he was on morphine for pain. Like he had a back, back, serious, you know, back problems.

So he had, he was on morphine, which had clogged him up. And, you know, and he went to the doctors for that reason. He said, like, I, you know, I haven't, I haven't been to the toilet for like 10 days or something.

I need help with this because it's painful and it's causing me problems because of the morphine. It's, it's sort of, you know, uh, it can do that sometimes. And the doctor said, oh, now I wasn't there.

So I don't know if the doctor did actually say, oh, and whether he did look over his glasses, but this, I, my version of the story was given to me by the person that was the star of the story. And, okay. So anyway, my friend said, please doctor, I need some Medicaid.

I need help with this. Uh, because, you know, it's worrying me and being constipated for, you know, 10 days or something. And the doctor was looking at his notes and he said, again, I don't know if he did say, I'm not even sure if my friend told the story in the same way that I'm telling it, but I think sometimes the mannerisms get left out of stories because people do make noises, don't they? Like, not always those sounds, but there are sounds.

It's like, you know, different, different sounds, uh, in the same way as there are looks, there are glances, uh, different ways to, you know, visually, I'm going to say visually look at somebody, but there must be another word, visually glare, visually exploit. No, that's not a right word. Visually something.

Anyway. So, so my friend, he said, doctor, please. I've been on the pills for 10 days.

I haven't had a bowel movement for 10 days. I need a bit of help. Please, won't you help me? And the doctor said, well, he said, I've noticed something, sir.

I've noticed that you're in your early fifties and you have yet to have a prostate exam. Yes, I have not had a prostate exam per se, but I don't think today is the correct time for such an investigation. But I think we should give you a prostate exam.

As I said, doctor, I don't want a prostate exam. I haven't done poo-poos for 10 days. Solid, excuse the pun, solid, get me? Solid, solid, not, anyway, solid as in nothing coming out.

Yes, but sir, you need a prostate exam. Very, very important. So my friend, he said, I don't think it's a good idea to give me a prostate exam.

I don't think it's a very good idea to do that. But the doctor insisted. So here's what happens next.

So my friend takes his trousers down, puts, I don't know if they put a robe on him or whatever, but he's bent over the chair or like bent over the table and the doctor's got his gloves on. Sweating a bit, I imagine. And, yeah, there's the excitement in the room, you know, and he's going to make the first move.

You know, it's a, well, you know, don't just, you never really know what's going to happen to you in these situations. These situations. Will the love last forever? Who knows? Will it be compatible? So anyway, the doctor does, you know, he goes to do the prostate exam.

And he, boy, he accomplished two things in one. He got the prostate exam sorted out and he also sorted out the constipation at the same time. And according to my friend, also redecorated the office.

That's according to my friend. I don't know. Gives a horrible visual, but, you know, it may be what he meant by that is he bought some painting and he was painting the walls yellow or green or brown or whatever, whatever color he chose.

A bit unprofessional whilst having his hand inside someone's bum. But yeah, so, and that's a true story, that it's like, oh. The thing is though, it's good to know, isn't it? Just for future reference.

That, you know, if you do, if you manage to, oh anyway, no, I won't go any further. I remember we were at the dinner table a couple of years ago and I was at my dad's saying, you know, you have to have a prostate exam because two of my uncles have had issues with the prostate. And my dad said, I will, I will.

I said, well, you need to do it because, you know, it affects me because if you have it and I'll have to have mine checked as well. I want to make sure that you're okay. And he said, oh, okay.

And his wife said, what's that then? He said, oh, prostate. She said, oh, that's just, is that down the, I said, I'm going to have to go down your throat to check that. True, true, true conversation.

And my dad said, no, it's somewhere else. Where is it then? Oh, by the way, can you pass the potatoes please, love? Yeah. Oh, this is not a dinner conversation.

Mind you, he spent 20 years talking about his piles while we were at the dinner table. That was fine. Bloody hemorrhoids dripping.

That's okay. While you're eating, that's all right. We can talk about that.

So let's see if I've got any other questions or anything. No, no, no. When I fall in love, it will be for about an hour.

Right. So Linda, you live in Buffalo, Buffalo, Buffalo. Never been to Buffalo, but then never been to many places.

I like the sound of Buffalo. Tell you what I like about the sound of Buffalo is this. Let me tell you.

It's something about, you see, I'm from England and I'm sure that if you're from other countries and you've never been to England, you've got an idea of what it's like, which will possibly be very, very far from what it's like. Just like my idea of what it's like in America will be very different to what it's like in America. You know, it just won't be, it can't be the same.

But I have, I've got this little romantic view of the, not smaller places, but like outside of the cities where there's diners, you know, the diners, which are in all the, well, not all of them, but in loads of American films and TV shows, the diners where people go and, you know, the police cars sort of outside there and maybe there's a petrol station next door and you go in and you get, oh, poor old me self. You can get pancakes and coffee and, you know, different breakfasts, I suppose. I don't know.

But I love the idea of that. I'm not even joking. I mean, I love the idea of living somewhere where there's diners where I can just go into a diner and get my dinner and never cook.

Just always just get my food from wherever I go into. The only problem is that in so many of the films, the people start shooting up diners and, you know, robbing them and stuff. And I don't really want that.

So that's the downside to down diners, I think. Because in, it's just like endless movies where they're, I don't know why, just leave the diners alone. I like diners.

And what's the other thing? Motels. So we don't really have motels here. We do, but kind of not the way that you have them.

And I like that. I like the idea of living in a motel. Maybe not forever, but just staying in a motel that you know, you really don't want to know the history of the room.

You know, please don't tell me what's happened here. Please, never. I just want to just, you know, and that's, for me, just be exciting.

And to go there and to like travel. Is it Route 66? Because I don't drive. So for me, I quite like the idea of traveling through America on, is it the Groundhog, Groundhog Bus? Groundhouse Bus? Groundhog Bus? Ground Grinder? Grinder Bus? Ground, Ground, Groundhog.

Groun, Groun, Groun, Grouny, Groun. I don't know. Isn't it a famous bus? Greyhound, Greyhound.

The Greyhound Buses. I don't know if they're still available, if they're still around, if they still work, if they still exist, if they, I don't know. But I like the idea of that, traveling and then just stopping and staying in a place and maybe spending a year just traveling across America or three months, depending how long the visa that I have lasts, you know.

I think that'd be groovy. It'd be really groovy. I've just got Linda tell me Greyhound Bus.

It's a bloody Greyhound Bus. So I did think of it. I did find it eventually and within my head, within my head, it was there.

I knew it was there somewhere, but I wasn't sure where it was until it popped out. But I was close, wasn't I? I think I lost my way a little bit with Grinder. But it's so good that I'm not getting paid for this because it means I can yawn.

That's the good thing about doing stuff for free. You can't get sacked. You can't get, that's why I like to do voluntary work, or I used to, is because with voluntary work, as soon as someone starts to get shirty and starts to try and tell you what to do, you just laugh at them.

See ya. But it's your job. No, you get paid for jobs.

This is volunteering. But that's what you're volunteering to do. What, to be spoken to by a knobhead? No, I am not.

But that's what you're here for. No. Bye.

I've been quite lucky with most of my voluntary positions that I've had. But I actually volunteered at this, it was the elderly place. It was for, it's basically for pensioners, for old age citizens, or whatever you want to call them.

Elderly people to meet up in society, outside of their homes or outside of their residential care places. It was a really good place. They had a proper fitted out kitchen.

They cooked meals every day. It was open five days a week, weekdays. And people could come along.

They had to become members. And there was quite a few tables for people to sit at, to eat, drink coffee. And then they also had chairs, like an old people's home park.

And it was nice. However, there's always a little however coming. However, the volunteers didn't really get on very well with each other.

Yep, you heard me right. What? What? I just, that seemed very strange to me. There was people there that were volunteering, that refused to talk to each other.

I mean, literally blanked each other, would not. And sometimes it literally would get into rows, or they'd be talking about each other. I left because I didn't like it.

I can't be around that kind of situation. It's like, wow, this is a voluntary thing. You think people would be, I don't know.

I don't try not to have too many high expectations for humans, but just for what it was, I'd have thought there'd have been a bit more kindness, maybe. Maybe just a little bit, just, you know, a little bit kindness, just a little bit, maybe. I'd be, yeah, very, very surprised.

Very surprised. So I left, didn't do that for long. They've moved now.

So they've clearly lost that building. And now they're somewhere else, part of another charity. This is another cost-cutting adventure, I'm guessing.

But again, I'm guessing, because guessing, I find guessing is easier than finding out facts, really. Oh, here's a good story for you. This is from a while back.

This man went into, I just, this is kind of an adult story, but, you know, there's no expletives or any graphic content. So this man, he went into a brothel or massage parlor. And he got into an argument with one of the ladies.

And she pushed him out of the window. But there was a, like a veranda. She didn't push him off the thing, but he ended up locked out of the window on this little veranda, kind of connected to the roof.

And there's a picture of him in the papers. And he was naked, completely naked. And the, it was a busy shopping street.

And it was a fire engine that had to come along and get him, get him down. And I think the headlines was, something about an unhappy ending. So it was quite a funny headline.

It's like, wow, you know, there's embarrassment and there's embarrassment. And that's, that's up there. I imagine if what happened to me with the school and Andre and me jumping over the fence and landing on my back, if that happened during the daytime, well, but then it wouldn't, I suppose, because the gates open at daytime.

So I'd have got through it, but yeah, that would have been embarrassing if there'd been people around to see. Yeah. So Linda, what time is it where you are in Buffalo, New York? New York, New York.

I always think of New York as being this, probably a bit like London, but about one road. Well, it's going to be bigger, but it won't. I don't know, because London, we've got what, about 10, 10 million people plus, probably in London.

And we've got cities in our country. I don't know how many now, because they keep kind of growing, turning things into cities. 9.41 p.m. You're right near Niagara Falls.

I thought that was in Canada. Wow. The only thing I really know about Niagara Falls is Superman.

He saved that kid, didn't he, from falling down there. And also it froze over, I think, last year or earlier this year. Well, I didn't know it was close to New York.

Okay. What else was... Oh, yeah. I was saying something.

Oh, damn. I hate it when I'm saying something really interesting and I forget. Oh, wait a minute.

That never happens. Oh, there are two... There are two. I'm 10 minutes from the border of Canada.

How can you be in New York and be 10 minutes from the border of Canada? You're winding me up now. There's two Niagara Falls. There's not two.

There's only one. You're winding me up. There's two Golden Gate Bridges as well, yeah? Two Tower Pizzas.

I don't know about that. There are two. How can there be... Why? Why are there two? It doesn't make sense.

Well, boys and girls are about to learn something. No, there's just one. Okay, it says here you can buy tickets.

What is it, like a concert? Niagara Falls is the collective name for three waterfalls that straddle, straddle the international border between the Canadian province of Ontario and the US state of New York. They form the southern end of the Niagara George. So actually, there's three waterfalls.

Right, from largest to smallest, three waterfalls are the Horseshoe Falls. That's the... from largest, okay. The American Falls and the Bridal Veil Falls.

The Horseshoe Falls lies on the border of the United States and Canada, with American Falls entirely on the United States side, separated by Goaty Island. The small Bridal Veil Falls are also on the United States side, separated from the American Falls by Luna Island. Located on the Niagara River, which drains Lake Erie into Lake Ontario, the combined falls form the highest flow rate of any waterfall in North America, that has a vertical drop of more than 50 metres, 160... During peak daytime tourist hours, more than 168,000 m3, in brackets, 6 million cubic feet, of water goes over the crest of the falls every minute.

They could be making it up. Who could know? Who would know? Who questions these things? Completely making it up. They could be, couldn't they? Horseshoe Falls is the most powerful waterfall in North America as measured by flow rate.

The falls are 27 kilometres, 17 miles, north-northwest of Buffalo, New York, and 121 kilometres, 75 miles, south-southwest of Toronto, between the twin cities of Niagara Falls, Ontario, and Niagara Falls, New York. Niagara Falls was formed when glaciers receded at the end of the Winconsin glaciation, the last ice age. I don't just say that then.

And water from the newly formed Great Lakes carved a path through the Niagara Escarpment, en route to the Atlantic Ocean. Niagara Falls is famed both for its beauty and as a valuable source of hydroelectric power, balancing recreational, commercial, and industrial uses has been a challenge for the stewards of the falls since the 19th century. So there's three drops, right.

Right, Andre, and, oh, I noticed how I'm, as I'm reading it out, you're filling in information about it. Yeah, I noticed that. Linda's written American Falls and Horseshoe Falls.

Yeah, but I just told you that. You're just copying me. You're copying me.

I just spent the last hour reading it. I've researched this. Andre, you're doing a poo.

That's nice. All that paper on the floor, and he chooses to do a poo on the carpet. I'm not happy about that.

I had unknown that he was, now he's just looking at me like, yeah, so what are you going to do? What are you going to do about it? Nothing, nothing as usual, nothing. If I choose to do a poo on the carpet, that is what I will do. There's nothing you can do about it at all.

He's very cheeky. He really is. He's a long monkey.

Yes, there was a story there somewhere. I forget what my point was, but I don't think I've seen, I have seen waterfalls, because when I was a kid, probably 11, 12, 10, whatever, me, my family used to travel up to Wales and go to the waterfalls, camping, which is why I would never go camping again. But I'm not really, I like to call it tenting, but I suppose if it was with the right person, I probably could go camping, you know, some kind of adventure or something like that, but I would prefer to be in a camper van, you know, sort of to travel and then just sleep in the back of the van, you know, if it's all nicely done, not necessarily like a big Winnebago, is it Winnebago?

Those big, massive American trucks that are just like houses on wheels.

I mean, that'd be no good in England because our roads are too small. It'd be okay on a motorway, but not on, you know, our, honestly, we've got little roads, very tiny. We've actually got miniature cars here.

You don't realise it until you visit, but the cars are miniature. You actually have to sit on the lap of the person you're with. So the cars, when you see people driving in the movies, they don't show it, but in reality, you'll actually be on the lap of the person while they're driving because the cars are so small.

And when people get out of their cars, they fold the car up and put it into their pocket. That's a truth. That is a truth.

See, there's a lot of differences between English people and Americans. You know, we're fed these non-truths about how life really is in other countries, which is fine because, you know, it probably makes it more interesting when actually do go there. You know, when you first come to England, it's probably a bit of a shock to realise that, wait a minute, where's Mary Poppins? Why aren't all the kids running around sweeping chimneys? You know, it rarely happens anymore.

You know, we're not living in the Dickensian, I couldn't even say the word, considering it starts with Dick, I thought I'd be right with that, Dickensian era. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, I quite like that era. I quite like, and I wouldn't because, you know, if I was alive in that time, I would be probably a pickpocket or a prostitute or, you know, I'd, based on my life experiences and how rubbish I've done in, you know, prosperity times, I'm not sure how well I'd have done in difficult times.

Yeah, I think I'd have, yeah, I think it would have been problematic. I probably would have been a highway robber or something. Or maybe just picking up the dog, not the dog poo, the horse poo and selling it to farmers for milk.

I don't know, I'm just making that bit up. But then we fed stuff about America and the idea that everyone's carrying a gun. And what else? Everybody's attractive.

You know, everyone's slim, all the men are muscular, all the women, you know, perfectly proportioned and slim. You know, that's the media, that's the TV shows and films kind of portray. Yeah, in our hearts, we know that's not true for any of us.

I mean, I'm lucky that I have a perfect body and it's just genetics that I have. Just perfect looks and, you know, everything like that. I was just very fortunate to be perfect in every way, but not everybody is.

Not everybody can be. And I think it's about showing some compassion, especially for the perfect ones like me, to show compassion and love to other people that aren't absolutely amazing like I am. So it's this one.

I can't believe some of the crap I come out with. I come out with some proper rubbish sometimes. Still can't believe he just done a big massive poo on the carpet.

Why am I surprised by that? If you could see this place, I mean, it's a mess and it needs tied in and needs, you know, some stuff done. But this paper laid on the floor for him to do his bits on. It's not ideal, but, you know, it's all I've got.

And he still does it on the carpet. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes I wonder why, why, why, why. Why, why? She went away.

I got a ukulele and I was thinking of playing it during the show.

and then I thought well I need to learn some chords first because I know no chords at all I mean I'm talking at all not like well you know that's not a few no nothing and not even one no well not just one not even one no stop asking I really don't I don't know any chords and it's because I don't care and that's that's the problem because I didn't spend a lot of money on it like 60 quid or something it wasn't a lot of money but the reason I got it is because I

wanted to maybe you know start a new hobby do something different but but and there's a good quest this is the good but is when I got it home I realized that I had zero interest in the ukulele in fact I looked on the floor a pair of boxer shorts that has got holes in it and basically needs to be chucked out and I felt as much interest for those boxer shorts as I did for the ukulele that was where my limit of interest was it was just really just you know it's a ukulele and

it's a shame because I think I believe really do believe yes I really believe I think I could be quite good at making up some silly songs some proper shilly-wansh and have some fun you know have some fun along the way you know I mean I don't know I really don't know I'm gonna have a look on the bipolar support group it's always good for laughs it's not good for that sounds terrible I don't I don't didn't mean that I go on this but it's very very really funny to be fair it's kind of weird

because with the bipolar group and it's probably the same on a lot of bipolar support groups is people post stuff like let me think of an example okay here's an example do you find that having bipolar causes you to want to eat Cadbury's cream eggs during Easter time you know thirsty sometimes it's like it's just like some of the things that like so human things we all have that I don't think it's necessarily connected to mental illness another thing that bugs me I'm gonna go on now it's not mental health if someone's ill they haven't

got mental health mental illness it's not mental health yeah I've got mental health I'm off work with mental health no you're not you're off work with mental illness it's an illness and some off work for physical health it's nice because you're physically ill it's as if people don't even know what they're saying anymore what on earth my baby did you did you did you did you did you did a bad baby did you did you did you did you did you did you do the why baby what you gonna gonna have to tell me oh

that's a nice little bit of gas good good good okay so where are we so far now we're getting on and is it going generally how is everybody I know I perhaps should have asked this earlier on but I didn't care then now for some reason I have a little urging of caring that happens you know sometimes I care Andre seriously mate you're gonna have to go to bed if you keep doing that sometimes I get these little moments where I want to pick the phone up and phone somebody and see how they are it

happens like maybe three times a week I get this little I'm not sure what to call probably kindness but let's call it kindness I get a little little kind of sense of kindness I want to you I hate doing you all right yeah interest I get a tiny little bit of interest towards somebody then it goes away doesn't last long thankfully but it's just oh how are you great yeah mm-hmm oh that's nice yeah and then I realize after probably two or three minutes in that I want to talk about myself not only do I

want to talk about myself but I want them to just be quiet I don't hear any more about them I just want to talk about myself and then I realized that I don't actually even need them to be involved in the process which is why I do that why I do these recordings and do my live broadcasts because I can talk to myself for hours and hours oh it's brilliant oh it's like falling in love with a mermaid and been on a honeymoon and realizing that you'd forgotten the Viagra and then remembering it doesn't matter

because she's a fish hey it's all good all right a little quote here I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone it's not the worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone no one makes you feel anything who feels my life isn't it us human beings love to blame don't we I don't feel like this because of other people other people make me feel this way how do they do that what do you mean how do other people make you make you feel

the way that you're feeling I don't understand how you said you said to other people make you feel the way you know how do other people how do they have the power to make you feel a certain way how how does another person how can they make you feel a certain way how is that even possible we're talking about Jason I'm just saying how oh do not comprehend do not comprehend our our our we can't control how other people feel I've tried don't work I want everyone to feel great inside I want everyone to feel

really good and you know like a really really good it's like full of full of happiness and excitement and energy I want everyone to feel energized when they're around me and that's what I want and I when I make these recordings I want people to feel sleepy really really sleepy and that's what I want out of my life I want to be able to be boring to other people I wanna bore people to sleep and that's that's what I'm all about that's what I love doing and that's why I'm not sure what that was about

I do apologize so I should really read the weather so need to introduce you to the weatherman he's available yet so bear with me two seconds so the weatherman is Tom so I don't know if he's there just Tom are you there yes I'm here well hello Tom yeah hi how you doing all right and this is your first weather forecast broadcast so and this is the first kind of episode of let me bore you to sleep in a radio format like the radio show so I would I just hope that I could remember your

voice and yes so over to you well thank you very much now the weather it's going to I can't be asked to put on a voice for it I honestly don't care enough to do it to do a character I thought it'd be really cool to do a character like yes my name is Tom it's gonna rain it's gonna rain it's gonna be sunny how do you do the weather forecast for the entire world yeah it's like the whole world's listening hey no yeah I know they're not all listening but just you know I'm saying

how how can you I'm very lazy I'm so lazy it's ridiculous seriously have a laziness issue I don't know why not always been lazy no I used to be quite a hard worker I think I think it's hard to remember though pretty sure I used to be quite a hard worker but it's it's kind of you know I think it's just maybe as I got older I can't just you know yeah a little bit of that yeah well that's interesting so although it's saying that I haven't the stats are different I've had more people listen

than I realized anyway I'm gonna cut out of that go back so I've only had Linda contact me whilst well like on Facebook I mean I don't think I've had anything anyone on Twitter so that's at Jason Newland that's my Twitter account you can leave me a message to say something like hey he was amazing I can't believe it's like I can't believe you managed to talk for three hours wow bloat my mind away it was great it's really you know what a pile of crap I can't believe you're still talking three hours in won't

nothing shut you up how do you do it it's all I hear sometimes I hear roses in the distance of my heart other times all I hear is a ferret's fart bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow bow that's a weird thing about it is you can fall asleep through complete boredom of listening to me but can you imagine if you decided to listen back to what you missed anything I can't believe I was asleep and he was just making stupid noises I

don't understand what he was doing it does not make sense to me I just don't understand it I just fell asleep I thought it was all good and you know the next day I thought you know I'll just listen back to it to see what it was he was doing to make me fall asleep because there's some kind of damn magic going on there and I thought wow that's amazing and I listened to it and uh he just kept farting and I'm like what he's like blaming on a ferret he clearly wasn't a ferret fart

it was a human fart but he's like oh Andre like what like like we're not supposed to know that it was him like we're gonna really believe it was a ferret I'm now what kind of adult 48 year old man what kind of 48 year old man would do a radio show live and just fart you know that's just ridiculous because I can't even do accents he tries to do an American accent now he's trying to do one and it's changing it's like going from this to be like some kind of certain certain kind of

accent he can't he can't keep an accent going that's why you know he struggles he tried to do a weatherman earlier I tried to you know pretend to be a bloke called Tom to be the weatherman and you know he was talking in his normal voice but it went so long that by the time he talked as Tom again he forgot what the accent was supposed to be like and he just gave up he just damn well gave up he's got no nothing in him it's good he just he quits too soon he quits too

soon yes yeah that's all I had then it's all I hear when you smile is your lips kissing mine and I love you yes I love you until you go away so look what's it Twitter so just a look I didn't enjoy the pizza I'll be honest with you I did not enjoy it I thought it's gonna be alright I did be honest with you I thought it's gonna be alright but I didn't enjoy it I'll be honest with you I honestly did not enjoy it as much as I thought I was gonna and I

don't know why I'll be honest sure I don't know why I don't know why I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I was gonna enjoy before I cooked it because when I cooked it I thought yeah I'm gonna enjoy that you know I had high expectations and I have eaten pizza before not the first time it's not the second time it's not the third time it's not the fourth time it's not the fifth time or that might be the sixth 600 more like I've had pizza many times I don't always look forward to

it I don't always get excited about it the thing is when the pizza was cooked it was very very hot and I think my initial excitement could not be quenched because of the temperature of the food which we are discussing was at a level which was too high to be placed inside my very precious mouth and I didn't like that I started to have a little bit to start with I thought well okay fair enough it's hot just come out the oven it's hot it's supposed to be hot if it came out cold that would

be weird I'd have to start looking into why it's cold but it's hot it's come out of the oven it's hot fair enough so it was understandable I was understanding towards the situation as it was but then time started to go by 10 seconds 20 seconds tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock started to annoy myself by doing that and I thought why do it it's no one else in the room I'm only annoying myself I'll stop so I did and a minute two minutes went past it was still too hot after three minutes I started to feel

resentful I started to have a feeling towards the pizza which was not compatible for any kind of long-term friendship it you know just things changed I could feel my emotions changing I could feel my my attitude towards the pizza turning I didn't feel like the same cheeky chappy I normally do when it comes to eating pizza you know it's like well it's just pizza it's just pizza you know I didn't have to dive into the ocean to catch the pizza you know I didn't have to swap it for a house or you know why that

would happen I don't know but just you know it's just a pizza it's just a pizza and I tried to tell myself that I tried to you you know I called up the Dalai Lama and I said listen listen Dalai, Dali, I call him Dali, listen Dali, Dao, Duh, listen Duh, got his pizza all right he said yes my son I said I got his pizza dad he said yes I said it's really hot he said I see it's a very it's a very hot pizza I said yes Dali it's a very very hot pizza

and is this why you disturbed my meditation to discuss pizza the heat of such a pizza I said yeah it is disturbing my equilibrium he said to me you know Jason I'm very pleased that you remember the word equilibrium I didn't expect you to use it in the context of a pizza or a story about a pizza where you phone me about a pizza but the fact that you have used this word equilibrium tells me that you'll remember you'll really remember yeah remember what you'll remember the word well yeah obviously I remember the word I

just said it no no you don't understand you'll remember the word yeah obviously I said what I don't understand it Dali what were you on about you'll remember the word I said listen saying it differently pronouncing that you know stressing different words it's not gonna make me understand what you're trying to say you'll remember word yeah I remember but I think I forgot it now equilibrium that's it I remember the word equilibrium he said oh that's very good I said why is it good he said I don't know I said go on he said it's

like a there was a story of a camel walking through the desert yeah the camel was very very thirsty yeah but the camel he know water to drink he know food to eat he know bed to sleep in he know Xbox he know Xbox can I ask you something Dali what are you drunk yes and that's why you're talking about camels and Xboxes yeah don't you that's a bit strange yes but it not strange as you sitting in your house at 231 in the morning talking to yourself pretending to be me now here's a good

point actually I know you're now just making sounds how is that going to help you before you what do you want now I have not gone I've not finished my story about the camels I can't be bothered to listen to any more stories that is very rude I am the leader of the Buddhist world yeah but you know what you mean yeah but you know what you saying what your accent changed a little bit there I sorry I forget what do you want from me I give you parables I give you fables I give you

stories I give you a wisdom but all you do is mock me you mock me always mocking like a mockingbird Wow Wow was that supposed to be the sound of a bird yes it was the mockingbird sounded like cat yeah that does not sound like cat no you're right actually just a little bit crap yes I agree well we agree on the same thing then you know what though what's that I think three hours is too long I think you're right maybe this could just be like a special one-off yes I think you're correct I

don't think three hours is really good for anybody not even you I think you you're over stretching yourself or you can never stretch yourself too much what was that I don't know I just want to watch telly can I go now please no you must stay for the three hours you promised three hours you must deliver three hours yeah but I don't know you think anybody want to you think anybody listening to this wants you to carry on course not everybody wants you to stop but you need to keep going prove to yourself that you

can do it you quit too much this is opportunity for you to show what you are made of that's the problem I'm not sure if I really want to share that with people what was that I was laughing that wasn't a real laugh it was a real laugh and now you're starting to sound like Nelson Mandela I don't understand what you mean Andre you know one day you're going to do that and Andre is already in bed you'll make mistake and everyone will know that it was you and not Andre why don't you call him

Andre his name's Andre you'll make fun of my accent you'll do that one minute all times one many toots you mean one to too many times once too many yes you know what I mean I'm sorry I stopped listening what I said you know baby you know what I like I wonder if I've had any emails no no emails at all you didn't know why well nevermind it doesn't matter look radio earplay notifications submit your music to 28,000 industry execs 28,000 industry execs I can't imagine there's that many is there bit of gas there gain

access to over 28,000 music industry professionals including internet radio stations music magazines and blogs music managers supervisors A&R reps booking agents press and media blast your press release to thousands of music journalists press and media contacts for explosive media coverage so that's the end I think of this live thing thank you Linda for joining me oh this is seriously boring this has been so boring for me for one of the most boring things I've ever done oh take care everyone bye