#117 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (27th March 2019)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes as you may be bored to sleep.

If you're watching on YouTube, please subscribe. And if you want to support me, go to paypal.me forward slash jasonnuland. And so the point behind what I do here is, firstly, I like squeaking.

As you can hear, that's my big, big, big, my big black squeaky chair is, I just like squeaking. It's just one of those things that when I was a kid, how old was I? Probably about 14. I had squeaky shoes and they would literally squeak whenever I walked.

I don't know why. I think they had a hole in them and the air would, it was like a little, like a little foot fart really, I suppose. If you think about it, air was being let out or pushed, pressured out, like a forced, a forced shoe fart.

And it would squeak like, or something. And that kind of, it's a long time ago. I'm 48.

I was 14 then, so that's over 20 years. It's a long time. I love it when I say stuff like that and people say, well actually, don't you mean it was 34 years ago? That's what I said, it was over 20 years.

But no, it was over 20 years, exactly. Like, oh, it was 1972. I was two years old.

God, that's over three years ago, that is. No, that's 46 years. Exactly, it's over two years.

Yes, I think being pedantic can be quite annoying sometimes. So I had these squeaky shoes. People used to call them beetle crushers.

I didn't, I just called them shoes. I wasn't that interested in them. They stopped my feet from getting wet, apart from the bit where the hole was.

It's a little bit like Achilles' heel. Do you know the story of Achilles, where he's, his mother dips him into some sort of magic potion or a magic river or something and covers his whole body with, that makes him indestructible. But there's one bit that's missing.

One bit that doesn't get covered by his heel or something. And that's why they call it Achilles' heel, because that was the bit that was vulnerable. The only part of him that was vulnerable.

I remember talking about that at school and I think someone shouted out, so he was in front, so the only part of him that didn't hurt was his Achilles' heel. The teacher said yes. And I think someone shouted out, I bet I could hurt him if I kicked him in the nuts.

I was like, what? Yep, it was me. No, it wasn't, it wasn't me. I, he had this, how do we talk about Achilles' heel? Oh yeah, the shoes kept every part of me dry apart from one little bit of my sock, where the hole was.

Just a tiny little bit of my sock. I could feel it. I'd be sitting in the classroom and there's this little bit of dampness, little bit of dampness, but it was, luckily it was just on my, it actually was on my heel, funny enough.

So instead of Achilles' heel, it was Jason's heel. I think the problem, because I was a boy and I had, how many brothers did I have? Two, three. I had two older brothers.

So I used to get hand-me-downs clothes, which is, was pretty much, it's pretty horrible really. It's not, it's not the most enjoyable thing. I think the only benefit to getting hand-me-downs is I didn't have to go shopping.

So there was kind of a, the benefit of that. And, but my brothers were all bigger than me. You know, there was two years difference between me and my first older brother, and my other oldest brother was four years older than me.

So I never caught up to them. Never will, I suppose, will I really, realistically. But, but they were big.

I mean, my oldest brother was very tall and my other brother was quite stocky and I was really slim. So I was, so my middle, yeah, the brother just above me, he was athletic, you know, he's very, he, at school, he was one of those kids that won everything in sports day. He just, I don't know how he got like that, but he just like the fastest runner and he was just really just pretty amazing, really.

I remember going around to everyone saying, that's my brother, that is. No one cared. No one cared.

They said, do you want an apple? I said, well, do you want an apple? What? Do you want an apple? I said, why did you ask me if I want an apple? I said, we're selling apples. I said, oh, that makes sense, I suppose. It was very, I remember he, the thing is, it makes sense why we're fast runners because me and my two older brothers, we lived in a council estate in Newcastle and there was a lot of running away being done there.

You know, there's a lot of like gangs and stuff and we were young, very little. Unfortunately, one of my brothers used to shout stuff out at the gangs and then run because he could outrun everybody. And then there was me, tiny little thing, and I couldn't outrun everybody, but I could move quicker.

So what would happen is my brother would run and he'd climb through a fence and he'd be gone after shouting out you pilchards or something, you know, some naughty word of the day, you silly billies, you know, something like that. And all these ruffians, always older, came running over and my brother would be gone. You could see smoke behind him as he was running.

Either that or it was a dusty fart. Yeah, farts. I can fit a fart in whenever I can.

And I can't imagine someone sitting there for the first time thinking, how's talking about farting going to help me sleep? Don't worry, it's all part of the process. A dusty fart. And I imagine that's what I'll be doing in about 30 years time.

Just like dust will come out and I'll be so pleased with myself. I imagine the carers won't be. We have to change you again now, Mr. Newland.

Don't just call me just call me Jason. I'll be sleeping a lot when I'm old. I sleep a lot now, so I imagine I'll sleep a lot then.

That'd be lovely. Very relaxing. And so what happened is all these kids in these gangs, they would surround me because I couldn't run as fast as my brother because he had longer legs.

I had little legs. I was two years younger. He was six and I was four.

You know, there's a big difference in age between six and four. So I would... Blimey, that was a noisy television. It always sounds like something's trying to break through the wall.

Like scratching at the wall. It's like a, I don't know, ghost of a mouse or something. And I've got some birds up in the attic because I can hear them.

Kind of these springs, I suppose, have all popped out of the bird's bum and given birth to them. And they're going tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, feed me, feed me, you know, general stuff. So I'd be in the middle of these kids and what I would do, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I was quite good at distraction.

So what I did is I'd pull a pack of cards out and start doing card tricks. And then when I was fully engorged in what I was doing, I'd run and jump through one of their legs and then run off through a little hole in the fence, like a little mouse scurrying. And I didn't have any cards, but I seemed to find a way of getting away.

I was very good at that for some reason. Quick reflexes. But all kids have got quick reflexes, haven't they? Notice the way when I say quick, it's quick, quick, quick, quick.

A whistle. When I say the word whistle, quick whistling. Quick, yeah, I suppose I should stop that.

But their clothes were too big for me. So if I got their trousers, they'd have to be turned up. But turned up trousers still don't work if you've got no bum.

I did have a bum and I've always had a bum. I was born with a bum, but it was a little bum. And my older brother had a bigger bum because he was older than me.

So he had a bigger bum and he was taller. So giving me his trousers, because he'd grown out of them and I needed new trousers, just taking, making them shorter, didn't work because I lost my bum. Well, I lost it.

I couldn't find it. It was in those trousers. My bum was nowhere to be seen.

But I should let it go really, shouldn't I? I should let it go. It's over 10 years ago now, so I should just give in to it and just say, well, it happened. So that's all right.

There's no point holding on to it. Just let it go. Let it flow away like a like a poppy in a sea of gravy and mashed potato.

I don't know. The tops were probably even worse because I was probably, apart from not being very tall, I was really skinny. I'm talking proper skinny.

Right to, I had an image issue. Image issue? It sounds like magician, doesn't it? Image issue, image issue. I had an image issue.

Wow, really? Yeah. Wow. No, I did.

I was very, very, very self-conscious about how slim I was. So I used to call myself skinny and sometimes females would say, no, you're just slim. And I'd say, OK.

And they'd say, besides, it makes you really look bigger. I'll tell you, some of them nurses. And so I had my appendix out.

Nurse Nichols, I always remember her. She said, please keep your hands to yourself, Jason. I said, I am.

I'm not touching you. She said, no, I'm not talking about touching me. Stop touching yourself.

No, it didn't happen. It did happen, but it didn't happen in hospital. There was one time, I might have talked about it before.

See, I did fall in love with Nurse Nichols. She was, she was older than me, which explains why she had a job. You know, you couldn't have been younger because I was 12, I think.

So she probably wasn't very old, probably late teens, early 20s. So she, you know, she was a nurse. She wasn't old.

Might have been 19, 20, 21. But I liked her. And I liked her a lot.

And I could see there was an age difference. And I wasn't sure how to, how to approach that because I was having my appendix out and it was, it was a great time, by the way. I loved, I loved every minute of it.

Apart from a couple of minutes, but I loved most of it because it was my first time on morphine. And it was like, wow, this is brilliant. I didn't know at the time, that's what it was.

But I was, I was having the time of my life. It was great. I wasn't at home.

It was so nice, just, it was like a holiday. Getting away from all that crap. Not having to go to school.

Not having to see my brothers and my family. It's just like, oh, this is bliss. And if it meant I had to cut me open and remove part of me and it's in the process, then god, I do this every week.

Honestly, I'd have stayed in there. Stayed in. Luckily, I was in a children's ward.

You know, I think if I'd been in an adult's ward, I'd have probably found the experience much different. Because I was a kid. I was probably a kid the same kind of age and had a proper laugh.

Really enjoyed it. Then there was a big, like a toy room. There was two toy rooms, actually.

One where you could sit at tables and stuff. But I wanted to go and get some comics to read. I don't know why I didn't just say, I want to get some comics to read.

But I think there was something about, I was a bit, I don't know if I was shady, but I was a little bit, you know, as I said, I like to distract people and sort of get what I needed without them knowing what I was up to. I think that kind of carried on into older childhood. It's like a magic trick, like a living magic trick.

Or some people might just call it lying. I don't know. But for some reason, I didn't want her, Nurse Nichols, or it might have been a different nurse, I didn't want her to know that I wanted to get the comics.

Maybe it's because I was trying to act more adult. I wanted to, in her eyes, be an adult, you know, because I figured if we were going to spend our lives together, then I should kind of, you know, step up and get rid of childish things. So I didn't want her to know that I was, I wanted to read the Beano.

However, I did want to read the Beano. And that's where the problem was, because on the one side, I wanted to appear to be an adult. But on the other side, I wasn't ready for the responsibility that that entailed.

I wasn't ready to give up all of the enjoyment of being a child, which included, for me, reading comics, reading the Beano. Now, what could I do to solve this issue? I thought about it, made a few plans, wrote down do's and don'ts, benefits and negatives of certain action plans that I may proceed with. But I wasn't sure, because I could picture, you know, an adult life with Nurse Nichols, which, you know, in my mind would be me getting up out of my single bed, out of my bedroom, going down and having my breakfast cooked by Nurse Nichols and her driving me to school and then picking me up from school, moaning to me about staying in my bedroom and then cooking me some dinner.

And then we could watch television. Maybe if I was good at the weekend, she'd give me a bag of sweets to eat. So, you know, that's how I was thinking it was going to be.

That would be an adult lifestyle, you know, with her. And so I didn't want to show those childish behaviours anymore. I wanted to let her know that I was ready to dedicate myself to an adult life with her.

So I decided on a plan of action. And I did think this through, you know, I didn't I didn't just on a whim, you know, say something. I thought, no, I'm going to think it through first, then I'm going to say something.

Because sometimes in the past, I have said stuff without really thinking it through first. And then sometimes it's worked out fine. Other times I've, you know, in my quiet moments, I've thought to myself, I wish I thought that through first, because maybe the outcome would have been different and more more advantageous for myself, for my future life, you know, happiness and stuff.

But you know, not everything goes together how you want it to do. But it's about learning, I suppose, isn't it? So that's why I thought, give it a little bit of thought first, before I put my plan of action into action, regarding the nurse nickel situation, versus me wanting a comic. And I thought to myself, you know what, why can't I have both? Why can't I spend the rest of my life with the woman of my dreams? The woman that gives me a bed wash without laughing, and also get to read the Beano.

And the dandy maybe, if there was a dandy there. I prefer the dandy, but I did like the Beano. I used to get the dandy every week at home.

I don't know whether or not my parents brought the comics in for me, but I might have said to them not to, because you know, I was trying to impress Nurse Nichols. I didn't want her to know that I was still doing those childish things. And I remember saying to my dad quietly, I said, don't bring the dandy in or anything, but can you bring a pipe in for me to smoke? I know I'm not allowed to smoke, but it's the one with bubbles, just so that I can blow bubbles out of it, but I look more adult, so that I can impress impress Nurse Nichols.

And my dad said no. So I thought, yeah, time to put the plan into action. And it's quite weird, because I remember, I don't know why, I had my toes crossed.

My toes were all crinkled up, and I thought, wait a minute, what's going on there? I don't think it was related at all to anything so far been discussed. However, I did think to myself, yeah, that's something I need to look at. I need to relax my toes, man.

There's no reason for them to be tense. They can be relaxed. And the rest of me was fairly relaxed.

So yeah, and I thought, okay, this is what I'll do. So I called, yeah, I called the nurse over. I said, I need to go to the toilet, nurse.

Or I might have said, this might not be how it happened, but I'll just make it up. I said, Nurse Nichols, I need to go to the toilet, please. She said, number one or number two? Now, I wish I'd said number two.

Actually, I'm not sure, maybe not. But my idea was this, I would go into the toilet, pretend to go to the toilet, come out, and then grab a comic on the way back, because the comic box was just near the toilet. Didn't quite work out that way.

The nurse said, oh, you're not allowed to go to the toilet yet, on your own. I said, what? She said, well, because you haven't been to the toilet yet, we need to test to make sure that everything's all okay and everything's working properly. I said, what? So she said it in English this time.

I thought, oh, okay. I said, bonjour. She said, bonjour.

That's the only word I knew. It's not the only word I knew. I knew lots of words, but I didn't know what they meant.

No, I did. Anyway, I said, what? I want to go to the toilet. She said, well, you can.

I said, well, I can't. I can't reach that far. I've had competitions with my brothers, and we've weed up walls and stuff, and I've managed to get about head height.

But, you know, the toilet's too far away. And she said, no, you just, you do it here. I said, what, on the floor? She laughed.

She said, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, not on the floor. I said, well, on the bed? She said, no, not on the bed.

I said, well, on the next bed? She said, no. I said, what about the other one, the one that's sleeping? I think he's sleeping. I haven't heard him breathing for about an hour.

She said, no, but I'll get a nurse to check that out. And she said, no, you do it here. And she handed me this, I think it was like a cardboard.

It looked like cardboard. If anything, it looked like the kind of thing that you get, or used to get in like a coffee shop, you know, years ago. And the coffee would go into the hole, and you'd be able to maybe carry maybe four coffees.

It was kind of like one of those shaped things. And I thought, oh, and she looked at me and she said, what's wrong? I said, nothing. But I lied.

It was a lot wrong. There was so much wrong about this situation. I really didn't know how to explain it or where to start.

And firstly, I didn't need to go to the toilet. You know, I hadn't eaten or drunk anything pretty much for 24 hours. So I didn't need to do a wee-wee.

At the same time, something that I've discovered in later life, I don't know what it's called. Is it cock shyness or cock freeze? Whatever. You know, when you're in a public place and I'm talking predominantly to the men, I suppose, at this point.

If I'm in the toilet and there's someone next to a cubicle, like the urinal rather, next to me, for some reason, I really struggle to go. Is it shyness, isn't it? Like bladder shyness? Or cock shyness? I think if you turn it into a game, like crossing swords, you know, when you're a kid and you'll be there with your brother and you go to the toilet and go to do a wee together and you kind of wee through each other's wee, that's fun. But you can't do that in a pub or in a restaurant or in a hospital, apparently, according to the police.

So she said, no, you can do it here, it's fine. And she pulled the curtain round so that no one else could see my thing. And she stood there, so I had to get it out, although it was pretty much, I don't know if I had underpants on, because I had a robe on, you know, like the robes, hospital robes, where it's open at the back, which I always found a bit weird.

Was it in case I need to get a kidney quickly? I don't know what. So I just stood there and the little winky was out and that was bad enough. It's among the most embarrassing probably times of my life.

And she didn't laugh, which I'm pleased about, but I couldn't go because I didn't need to go. Even if I had needed to go, I wouldn't have been able to go, but I didn't need to go. I just stood there, looking down, and she stood there, looking down.

And I wish she could have looked somewhere else. I really felt that she needed to look somewhere else. I mean, nowadays, I'd probably be all right because I don't know, she'd probably have a mobile phone to look at, go onto Twitter or Facebook or something.

But, you know, in those days, there was no distractions. You had to kind of take notice of the patients. That's terrible, isn't it? I think if I was a nurse, I would need distraction from the job.

I'd need to have music playing or something. Even if I was doing resuscitation, I think I'd need some kind of bit of ABBA playing in my ear. The winner takes it all.

Mamma mia, here it comes again. It's good to have a distraction, I think, sometimes. Another one back to dust.

So I, a lot of dust in this story, isn't there? Biting dust, dusty farts. So basically, dust came out. That's what I'm trying to say.

There was no wee left in me. I had no liquid in me, just a little bit of dust. And I was just trying to get a little bit of sand just drilled out.

And that was it. And she lurked, and I lurked, and again, she didn't laugh. So that's the good thing.

She didn't laugh. And if only all women in my life had been so kind. And she said, oh, it's okay.

It's normal. You haven't had anything to drink for ages, and your body's just getting back to normal after the operation, and shock to your system and all that stuff. It's just, don't worry about it.

She was so kind. She really was. So she said, this will cheer you up.

I said, what? And she went over, and she brought me back a comic to read. I said, I don't read such things. I don't like this.

That's just for little children. She said, oh, I'll take it back then. I said, no, no, it's okay.

I'll maybe wipe my ass with it later. She said, that's disgusting. I said, no, I'm sorry.

She said, you're a 12-year-old. You shouldn't be using language like that. I said, well, it's just a throwaway line.

She said, did you really expect me not to pick you up on it? You can't say stuff like that to adults. I said, yeah, but I am kind of an adult. That's when she laughed.

A bit too much. I didn't like that. She said, yeah, but you shouldn't really use such vulgarish language.

I said, I'm sorry, Nurse Nichols. I forgot myself. I forgot my place in the world.

Sometimes that happens. Sometimes I forget. Then other times I remember again.

And sometimes I apologize. And sometimes I just carry on as if nothing's happened in the hope that nobody noticed. She said, why are you talking in that monotonous voice? I don't know, Nurse Nichols.

It just seems to have happened. It started, I don't know, started about three weeks ago. I just started talking nonsense.

She said, you know what? I said, what, Nurse Nichols? She said, you know, when you're talking like that, I found it really boring. Even more boring than when you talk normally. And you are amongst the most boring people I've ever met.

I said, oh, thank you, Nurse Nichols. She said, that's okay, Jason. You are so tedious.

And I can see that you might have a skill there. I say, in what way, Nurse Nichols, do you feel that maybe I could possibly have a skill within my tediousness and boredom that I seem to portray to you in this moment? She said, well, if there's ever such a thing called the internet is ever created, where you can share audio and video files to people from all around the world, I think you should get involved in that and make audios and videos and just talk. It'd be really boring.

You'd be able to help people to fall asleep. But how would I know if it would work, Nurse Nichols? She said, why are you talking in that voice? What voice, Nurse Nichols? You're putting on a different accent. That's not even the way you speak.

I don't know what you mean, Nurse Nichols. She said, you're just being silly now. I can't help it, Nurse Nichols.

Okay, I'm just going to get the doctor. And she said, the thing is, you may not realise, Jason, but you know when I talk to you at night? Yes, Nurse Nichols. And it's usually about half eight, nine o'clock, remember? Every night we talk.

And I asked you to tell me a bit about your life. I said, yeah. She said, well, didn't you notice that everybody in the entire hospital fell asleep? No, Nurse Nichols, I didn't notice that.

Yeah, everybody just fell asleep. They got so bored with your stories. And you know, there's something there.

There's a skill. There's something that you could use to help others. It's like a really crappy superpower.

Oh, Nurse Nichols, thank you. You do say the wonderfulest things to moi. She said, are you French? I said, bonjour, mademoiselle.

But I had a French girlfriend once. I don't know. The thing is, there's just no time, because there was no internet back then.

So I couldn't really understand what she was saying. Because now you can get translators on your iPhone. You can get apps.

It's brilliant. I met a girl, a lady recently from, I don't know where she's from. I really should learn so I can get the correct app.

But it's a translator. And you just type in in English what you wanted to say, and it'll just say it in their language. And of course, I've not figured out how to use it yet with her, because I don't know where she's from.

But eventually I'll figure it out. I think Romania, or Belgium, Sweden, Canada, somewhere like that. And there was a point, oh yeah, I had this French girlfriend, but it was before the internet.

So there was no apps. I couldn't sort of check what she was saying. I knew the basics, like bonjour.

So bonjour, je me sens pitié. I was like, oh yeah. And then she, je me sens English, Jason.

Je me sens Jason. Je me sens Maria. Oh, je me sens Maria.

Je me sens Jason. Oh, bonjour, bonjour, yeah. She kept repeating.

I think it's some kind of, I can only guess it's a compliment, but it's some kind of French compliment. But I could never figure out what it was, because I never asked her to translate. Because she was good at English, but got much, you know, perfect English.

But she in the throes of passion, she would talk French or Gaelic. Isn't Gaelic French? Or is that garlic? Garlic, Gaelic. Yeah, Gaelic is French, isn't it? But yeah, anyway, French.

And she, in the throes of passion, well, I say the throes of passion, when we were in bed, that's probably a better description. And she would speak in French. And, but I didn't always know what she was saying.

When she'd say bonjour, I'd say, oh, bonjour. And oui, oui, I said, oh, okay, yeah, it's just there on the left. It's the room on the left.

And she said, oh, oui. And I remember that oui, oui is yes. I was embarrassed.

We laughed. Okay, I laughed. Anyway, she used to say this thing in, well, in the throes of passion.

We, we were both awake. I suppose that's probably the closest to, to the correct terminology. And see, I don't know what it meant.

I never really learned it, because there was no internet. And I didn't have a French, English translator, like dictionary, thesaurus thing. And because it costs £1.99. And I just, I didn't, wasn't, I didn't know, I didn't know how long the relationship was going to last.

So I didn't know if it was, I didn't know if it was worth it, investing the £1.99. As it turned out, it wasn't. But she used to say this thing to me. She said, she'd look me, well, not always in the eyes, but she'd look, she'd, it'd be, sometimes it'd be dark.

Sometimes the lights would be on. And quite often I'd have my eyes closed. So I wasn't really sure which one was which.

You know, when you, sometimes you can have your eyes closed, but you can see the light. But the lights were quite dim. They weren't like bright lights.

So it really was a case of not always being sure if the lights were on until I opened my eyes. Anyway, she used to say this thing to me. And this, I guess it's a compliment of some kind, but I still, I need to check out online and see what it meant.

But it was something, un, not un potato, not potato. Un, oh, un petit penny. Un petit penny.

And I never, never really, you know, it's like, she must be, you know, uh, complimented by prowess as a, as a manly man that I am. Because, you know, I'm a bit like a Viking, really, in some ways. I'm like a lion, you know, just very, I've been quite lucky.

I've been quite blessed to be possibly the most manly man that's ever existed. I'm not showing off. I'm just, I think sometimes it's good to be factual.

You know, sometimes it's, and also it's good for your own self esteem just to, to maybe embrace reality. You know, I think it's important sometimes to embrace reality and to accept those things that we excel at. And, that's a lovely sound, that's my television.

Why does it make that much noise? And, uh, I excel at being really, really manly. There's something so manly about me, and I don't know, it's, it's like I'm one big walking bicep. It's just, sometimes I feel I'm walking down a street and then becoming more muscular with every movement.

Very strange. I don't really know what it is. I think everyone's kind of always had the, maybe admiration maybe towards me for my manliness.

Um, but I think some people are jealous as well, which I think comes out sometimes when people see me naked or maybe on a beach or in a gym and they'll laugh. And it's, it's, you can tell it's nervous laughter filled with the undercurrents of jealousy and envy, but it's not my fault. I can't help being a perfection, perfection.

I knew you said perfection on stilts, but that wouldn't make sense, would it? But I'm, I'm just like the perfect hairy cookie. You know, it's, it's like that fine mixture of testosterone and, and super intelligence and super strength and, you know, being really tall, 5 foot 8. Some people, they mock it saying 5 foot 8, that's short for a man. They don't realize that I'm actually much taller than them.

I just choose not to show how tall I really am. They don't realize, you know, they judge height by what they can see, not by what is actually there, by substance, by manliness, by pure energy, by that magnificence that, you know, all those hairs on my back. They don't realize that, you know, it might seem like something to laugh at, like I'm half, half shaggy dog or something, but, but it's not.

I'm not a hedgehog. It's, it's manliness. So that's what I think that must have meant.

Unpetit Pini must be her telling me that that's how she felt about me. And she recognized the true extent to my heroicism, to my ability to transform the world with my manliness. And I try not to show it off.

I try not to brag. I try not to mention it because, well, firstly, it doesn't need mentioning because anyone that sees me can, they can sense it. They can, they can tell, you know, like the Viking warrior, the Roman emperor, you know, it's the windmill maker, whatever.

It's something just amazing that I think the, that my French girlfriend was trying to portray her understanding of the unsaid. Unpetit Pini is something magnificent. I know that's what petit means.

Magnificent is the only word I know. I suppose Pini perhaps means man. Magnificent man.

And maybe un means yummy. Yummy, magnificent man, like a Viking or a wolf glistening in the, the autumn rain with very hairy back. Which is okay for wolves.

Why shouldn't it be okay for humans? I don't see any reason why I should not be able to just go to a swimming pool like everyone else. You know, I actually had a girlfriend once. And she said to me, we was in Kent.

We went away and it's this like health spa kind of thing. Not, it wasn't like a full on health spa, but it was, they had health services like massage. It wasn't a massage parlor, but it was a massage and a few things like that.

So I was with her and we were in the bedroom and there was an ensuite. She was in the bathroom. She, she said to me, yeah, she had the water running while she was on the toilet because she didn't want to hear him.

She didn't want me to hear her doing her poo. And I think I remember shouting out, you know, I know what you're doing there. She said, no, you don't.

I said, yeah, I do. She said, but I've got the tap running. So you've got, don't know what I'm doing.

She said, yeah, I can still smell it. At that point, she told me to close the door. And she said to me, can I do something to you? And I thought, eee, things are turning around.

She said, can I shave your shoulders? I said, what? She said, can I shave your shoulders? Into the top of your back? I said, why? She said, because it's disgusting. Looking at you makes you feel sick. It's like, what? This is a romantic holiday.

She said, yeah, but you know, you started it. I said, what do you mean I started it? What, you were telling me that I had a smelly poo? I said, well, all poos are smelly. She says, yeah, not all blacks are hairy though, are they? I said, that doesn't even make sense.

That's not an argument. She said, can I do it? Can I shave your shoulders and your back? Just the top, not all of it. Just the shoulder bit, you know.

The bits in line with your nipples and above, up to your neck. I said, yeah, you can shave my back if I can shave yours. Again, she wasn't happy with that answer.

I do have hairy shoulders. I don't like, I'm not a big fan of hairy shoulders on me because I'm not bothered about anyone else. It doesn't look so bad when it's wet because everything kind of sticks to your skin a bit when it's wet, doesn't it? But not everything, like jelly, but it just, it is, I don't want to say the word puby, but it's very puby, the hair on my shoulders.

But I can't reach it. I can't really reach the top of my back myself. I said, yeah, maybe I'll get a wax back or back wax.

Is it wet backs and cracks and wax? I don't know. Maybe. Anyway, I thought I'd do a special edition of this as I haven't done one for a week.

So it's a special edition because it's not two and a half hours long like the last one. Hopefully you're asleep by now, so it won't matter. So take care of yourselves.

Take care. Relax. Remember to be kind to yourself.

It's very important. Remember to be kind to your mind. Lots of love.

Bye-bye.