#91 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (6th February 2019)

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to let me bore you to sleep. I think this is number 91.

I think. So Andre is yet again full of energy for some reason. I really don't know what's going on with him.

He's like non-stop. He's, yeah, I don't know what's going on. He's been like this for about a week or two.

It's, it seems like he's acting like it's spring, but it's not. It's January. Well, it's February now, isn't it? I don't know if you can hear him, but he's, he's basically trying to get through the front door.

But he's been trying to do that for three years without success. Although saying that, yesterday I put the rubbish out and I came back upstairs, opened the front door and he shot out. He ran, ran for it.

It's like, what was, what is he trying to escape from? He's got everything he needs in there. Oh, excuse the noises. It's just the chair.

My big black squeaky chair. He wants to go out. I did take him out yesterday.

And, uh, it's, it's quite weird. I don't know what's going on. Cause I'll take him out and he's, and he's straight away.

He's trying to pull, pull away. You know, he's leading the way to where he wants to go. So I don't know.

It is annoying me at the moment. It's getting a little bit too much. I'm gonna, might have to put him back into the cupboard.

I've got a storage cupboard. It's a very, it's a large room. It's a big room.

So I might put his cage back in there. And because if I put him in his cage now, he'll spend the next 20 minutes trying to get out of the cage. So there'll be even more noise.

So yeah, but I can't allow him to get in the way of me doing my work, which is this talking about nothing, talking about him. So it's not really nothing, is it? But so I suppose just need to let you know that there will be background sounds, but that can be part of the, part of the process. So he's just got into the bathroom.

Now he's going to go into the kitchen, open the kitchen door probably and pull stuff out of the cupboard. Now he's having a drink of water. To be fair, it's really quite a nice day outside.

It's sunny, although it looks like it's beginning to cloud over a bit, but it's fairly mild. It's not, doesn't feel cold. Oh, it's looking good.

It looks like he's going into his bag, which hopefully will mean that he'll be going to sleep and he'll be quiet for a bit. I hope. Good.

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So these, again, I'm making more noise today than normal. I don't know why. I could fall asleep.

I might fall asleep, especially listening to myself. I'd like to get a new chair. I've had this chair for, when did I move in here? The 2015 April.

So it's nearly four years. It'll be four years in two months. Wow.

And I've got this chair, yeah, it must've been maybe September, October time of the month in 2015. So I've had it for over three years and it's wearing out. It's wearing out where I put my head.

Actually, I don't put my head where my head rests because my head is attached to my body and I just put my head on a part of the chair. Just sounds weird. Oh, he's got out of his bag again.

I hope he goes back in and keeps quiet. Otherwise he's going to go on to the naughty step. He's fairly thirsty as well.

He's decided he doesn't like where the bag is. So he's moving the bag underneath my table so that I can keep bashing my feet on it. Yeah, that's a good boy.

I think somehow this chair has managed to move itself against the wall because I used to be able to put my hand down the side of it without it making a squeaky noise. Yeah, we're back to the chair again. Where my head rests against the back of the chair, well it's not the back of the chair, it's because that would be the bit facing the wall behind me, isn't it? But it's the, I suppose the head rest part of the chair is wearing off.

It's literally peeling off now. And the part where I am, the part that comes up for my feet, that's also really, really worn as well. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I had this chair when I got Andre.

Pretty sure I did. Because I reckon if I'd have had, no. Yeah, I had it before I got him.

Because if I'd have had it after I got Andre, I probably would have kept the box for him to play in. Because it came in a big old box, massive. In fact, I don't think I could get the box inside the flat.

I had to take parts of the chair out because it was in two pieces. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the box wouldn't fit inside the door. But it might have done.

I have like an image of it fitting through fine and dragging it into the living room and then unpacking it. Then I have another memory of it being too big to get inside the door. So I needed to open it and bring parts of it in bit at a time, but it was in two parts.

So two journeys, although it's not. What is a journey? I mean, from the front door to the living room, is that really a journey? It's not really, is it? It's a, does a journey, if it doesn't have at least a canoe or a bicycle, you know, some kind of form of transport, is it a journey? If you can walk somewhere, is that a journey? I don't know. Anyway, regardless whether I got the box in or whether I had to carry parts of the chair in bit by bit, two bits, also and screws.

I'm pretty sure I had screws and stuff like that. And maybe there's more than two bits. Maybe I had to attach the bit to the body of it.

I can't remember. But either way, it was, I mean, it happened and it got done. So it's been sitting here for three, over three years.

So it's clearly whatever was required for it to be assembled was put into action at that particular time, because I've been sitting in it for over three years. Well, I have not just been sitting in it for three years. I've been doing other things as well.

But, you know, I've spent a fair amount of time vacationing in it. That's probably not the right word, but sitting, sitting or sliding back and relaxing. For a while, the chair was wonky.

And I couldn't figure out why. And then I don't know if it was my dad or if it was a friend who looked at it and it was actually, it wasn't slotted in properly. So it was leaning just to one side.

But when I got that sorted, it was good. A while back, not too long ago, a few months ago, I thought there was something underneath the chair. So I kind of pulled it out and the chair fell apart.

And it was early hours of the morning, so I was trying to be really quiet. And the chair just came apart. It was because it is attached, the two bits go together, but then there's screws to sort of keep it in one place.

Well, the screws have become loose and it was just, you know, in two pieces. But I managed to fit it back together and screw it in really tight. So it's very sturdy now, but it is squeaky.

And I was about to say that I've tried everything to try and get rid of the squeak, but I haven't. The only thing I've done is I've used this furniture polish. Because when I moved into the flat back in 2015, my dad said to me about the squeaky doors, he said, well, you know what you can do with a squeaky door, the hinges that are squeaky? I said, what's that? He said, well, there's a way that you can stop the hinges from squeaking.

I said, yeah, it's, yeah, oil. You just put oil in it, don't you? And I felt calm, well, not pleased with myself, but adequately, I thought it was an adequate response. And he said, oh, I said, what do you mean? Oh, he said, well, there's another way you can do it without using oil.

I said, is there? I'll admit, I was surprised at my interest, because door hinges aren't normally something that I give much thought to. But, you know, if I was ever to choose a new hobby, it wouldn't be, you know, it wouldn't involve door hinges. And he said to me, yeah, you can use furniture polish.

I said, what? He said, yeah, you can. I felt we were bonding. It's kind of probably the first time we ever bonded.

I felt like, the first time I felt in some way kind of like we were on the same level. And it took door hinges and furniture polish to get us there. And he said, yeah, and he sprayed it.

And I couldn't believe it worked. Just by spraying the furniture polish onto the hinge of the door, the metal hinge, it stopped squeaking. But there's no residue.

There's no oil. There's no, you don't get anything on yourself. You know, you haven't got to worry about getting oil on yourself.

Wow. It's like magic. It was like magic.

It was, it's not the same as the first time I saw someone being sawed in half. And I should point out that that was on, you know, magic trick on television. Wasn't some kind of horrible thing.

It was, yeah, it's the first time I, you know, if you see, I don't think I've ever seen, never seen a magic trick done live. You know, as in watching a magician on stage. Ah, that's not totally true.

There was a couple of, a couple of comedians that I've seen do magic. Probably a few actually. There's one who was like a Tommy Cooper mimic.

He basically did a Tommy Cooper act. And it's really funny, but it was, it was just copying Tommy Cooper, but it was a really good, really funny. And he was doing magic as well.

So I can't remember what his name was, but he was very popular on the comedy circuit. And then there was Jerry Sadovich. Jerry Sadovich is a very famous Scottish comedian who is famous for being an adult, should we say? And he was once, he did a performance at the, what is it? The festival in Canada.

It was like comedy. There's a comedy festival in Canada every year. It's a very famous festival.

And he went there and he, he upset somebody. By talking about French stuff. So I think you might be able to find the clip on YouTube, but I'd seen him on telly.

No, I had a video of him in the, probably about 1990. I had a video of him on stage and it's very funny. And then about 1990, probably three or four, I saw him on stage, but he was in a really tiny pub.

And I guess he was just trying some material out. It's called the Egg Shop. This is the name of the comedy club.

It's called the Egg Shop. And the compere and the person that ran it was very funny as well. And it was just a small audience.

And I'm not sure if I was performing on that night or not. I can't, I'm not sure. I might've just gone there to see Jerry Sadovich.

But I laughed so much. He, it was so funny. He, it might've been late nineties.

The, yeah, it might not have been early. Might've been more like 95, 96, 97, but he did all these magic tricks, but they were kind of comedy magic tricks, but as well as sort of telling jokes and one of the funniest comedians I've ever seen ever. And I've seen hundreds and hundreds of comedians, thousands of performances over the years.

And he's one of the top ones I've ever seen for just laughing continuously. Another one would be Dennis Leary. It's just for pure, unable to stop laughing, just anyway.

So I did see it, although there was magic there. He used to do like magic tricks. It wasn't really about the magic, although he, Jerry Sadovich was classed as one of the best close-up magic, magicians, like I think card magic or something.

So he was famous for that as well. But it was quite weird because, not weird, but he used to do a double act with someone called, another comedian called Logan Murray. And Logan Murray's also like an actor.

He teaches comedy. He's been around for years and he still looks the same. I can't believe I saw him in an advert the other day.

He still looks the same as he did 20 years ago. It's amazing. And he's a really, really gentle, really nice person.

And then you've got Jerry Sadovich, who's, as far as his act goes, I mean, he's very full on, very harsh, very offensive and all that stuff. And the idea of them two being together in a double act just seemed really strange, but I never saw it. I never saw the double act, but I got to know Logan Murray, but I didn't get to, never got to know Jerry.

I saw him on stage at one time, but very, very funny. I did a friend, my friend Noel used to do a escape act. You know, he used to get a member of the audience to put him into a straitjacket and then he'd escape from it.

So that's magic, isn't it? It's part of a magic routine. Escapology, which is what I'm trying to do with this conversation, trying to escape it.

Can you imagine being stuck talking to me at a party and you're single and you've been single for a long time and your friend has finally talked you into coming out to a party, to a public place, and you've come in there and you put all the effort in to make yourself look nice and you feel confident and you're looking around and there's lots, you know, there's lots of eligible potential partners, future partners for you that are in that room, in that big space and I've cornered you and I'm talking to you about magic acts

that I've seen at the egg shop and Jerry Sadovich and you really want to find a way out of the conversation and you're looking over other people and you notice even the other people that you think I'd like to talk to them, they start talking to other people and the more you hear my voice, the more boring and tedious it feels, pointless and tedious, just a bunch of stuff, a bunch of words, all just for the sake of talking and you wonder how can I be interested in what I'm saying when what I'm saying is

so damn boring.

Trying to think of any other, see when I was a kid Paul Daniels was the main magician in England. I say the main, he was the most famous magician I would say probably that this country's ever known, Paul Daniels and of course we've got famous magicians here such as Doraemon, trying to think, Derren Brown, although he doesn't really do sort of magic anymore so much but yeah we've got famous magicians in England. Here's a bit of an interesting fairy and dwarf or interesting, Dynamo was famous in America before he was famous in England.

Can you believe that? He was famous in America, so he was rich and well known long before anyone in England knew who he was, you know like in that capacity and then of course he went on, he became a superstar here as well for magic.

But what Paul Daniels did is he had a television show which was on I think for 30 years or something like that, he was on television doing like Christmas specials and he'd be on on Saturday nights, Saturday evenings doing magic tricks and he was like a regular face that you'd see you know for 30 odd years, 20-30 years or whatever it was and he used to say one of his catchphrases is, you'll like this not a lot, but you'll like this not a lot, it was something like that and was it, how's about that then, what that is, catchphrase?

I wonder if he said abracadabra, I lose track, there's so many people from the 70s and the 80s that had catchphrases, so there was one comedian that used to say chase me, chase me, what was his name? Oh there was another comedian who used to say oh you are awful, is that Dick Emery? You are awful but I like you anyway. Oh and there was, what's his name, Kenny Everett, who's dressed up as a woman and he crosses legs and saying done in the best possible taste.

He had another character, Sid's not here, that's another one, so there's lots of catchphrases for the A-team, Hannibal from the A-team, I love it when a plan comes together, I can't believe I've got a career back after all those films I did 20 years ago and now I'm a star again, whatever. Oh is it Mr T, I pity the fool and Nanu Nanu, that was another one and you got, what are you talking about, Willis from different strokes. See Alice, I don't know if you remember Alice, it's a program I used to watch when I was a kid and it was, I've always liked, I don't know why, but I've always kind of been attracted to American shows but not necessarily the popular America shows that are pushed on us, you know, that are kind of put on peak time.

I always quite liked the shows that would be on maybe Channel 4 or BBC 2 early evening or early morning, shows that didn't really, they might have been really popular in America but they didn't really have much of an airing in England but they were shown at weird times. See one show was called Alice and it was set in a diner and as far as I'm aware it was very popular in America but I used to watch it, I used to love it, I used to have it on every night because they just showed back-to-back episodes.

Just like at the moment, for years now they've been showing Everybody Loves Raymond and they show that early hours of the morning, like, I don't mean like two o'clock but like early hours as in like maybe six, seven o'clock in the morning, they show that maybe two or three episodes and they've been showing it for years because they, it was on for about 10 years I think or if not longer.

So they've just showed the episodes, lots of episodes and King of Hearts I think or Heart of Kings, King of Hearts, King of Queens, that's it, King of Queens, that's another show that they show. Again, these are programs that have never been, as far as I'm aware, they've never been peak, peak time in England but I know that Everyone Loves Raymond was a big hit TV show in America so it would have been on a peak viewing time I guess, early evening but never has been here.

Another show I used to watch in the 90s and I came across this by accident because I woke up one day and I think I had to get up at six o'clock in order to get up for work and I had to be at work at seven and this one time I woke up at five so I just turned the TV on and there was a program called Soap, never heard of it before.

It had something Mulligan, the man, it was so funny and it had quite a few famous or people that went on to be famous in it and it was really chaotic and it was just hilarious and I thought why are they showing this at six o'clock in the morning or five o'clock in the morning rather? Why is it, you know, I realized it was from the early 80s or late 70s. Whether it was ever on peak time I don't know. I don't ever remember seeing it ever on television before or since that time and this was early 90s like 92, 93 and it was such a great show, so funny and it had Billy Crystal, he was in it because he was really young in that and it was just, yeah, what other shows do I see?

I'm sure Cheers used to be on.

It went through a period when Cheers was on in the mornings. That hasn't been on for years but what they do on Channel 4, they show Frasier and they show two episodes every morning between something like nine and ten and it's on five days a week and they start right from the very first episode right to the very last episode and then they start all over again. Another American show is Two and a Half Men.

So this is a show that's never been on our television as a show, like never been on peak viewing. It's on a channel called ITV2 and I know it was a big show in America with Charlie, Charlie, whatever his name is and so I started watching it probably a couple of years ago and I've really kind of liked it.

It's like, oh, this is actually funny and they used to show two episodes every evening, uh, one, I think it was one at eight o'clock till half past eight and then they'd have adverts and stuff but they'd also have an advert usually in the middle of the episode and then another episode to half an hour till nine o'clock and I used to watch it every night for months and months and then they got to the season where Charlie left and what's his name? What's his name? I don't know.

He was married to Bruce Willis's wife. Okay, so he took over and I remember his name in the show is Smith, something Smith, so he's, and that was good as well, so he was good in that but what they do is they don't even show all the episodes anymore. Now all they do is they've got on a loop and they show pretty much the last season so they said the first season of, uh, after what's his name left and then maybe the last but there's a couple of seasons because I think they did four seasons and they they miss out a big chunk but they just have it on a loop and they keep showing the same thing.

I think my latest TV show I've been watching from America is Superstore and I've, uh, again they're, they show a whole season all in one go so that the latest season they've shown one episode a day for five, you know, for, you know, five days a week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and then they, so that's the first five episodes and then the next week they'll show like six, episode six on Monday, episode seven on Tuesday, episode eight on Wednesday, episode nine on Thursday, episode ten on Friday and then they go forward until it's finished and then they start all the way from the beginning again.

So I've just seen the the recent episode which the recent season which lasted for maybe two weeks, maybe three weeks and now they started showing the very first episode of season one again although I did quite enjoy it but it's just why, why are they doing that? It's sort of kind of spoiling a good thing, you know, there's got to be other shows that they could show.

One of my favorite shows is Terry and June and George and Mildred, they're two of my favorite shows.

When I was a kid though we used to have, you know, I was talking about magic and I forget his name now but the magician that I was talking about he had box, little boxes or big boxes of magic tricks and I used to get them for Christmas and for birthdays and that's another reason he was so successful because he sold, he just sold these magic boxes and magic kits and magic tricks all around the country and he was so popular and I had, I remember at least one magic box set that I had and

I loved it and there was a little rope trick, there was a little kind of little spatula thing that I could turn around and it went from zero spots to three spots or two spots but the spots changed, the number of spots changed and there was another, like a mechanical trick which allowed me to do something but I forget what it was but it was really good fun, you know, and I suppose part of the fun and the enjoyment of the process was to test the tricks out on other people and you can imagine me,

you imagine being stopped by me and not only am I going to bore you with stories but I've also got a trick to show you and you've got no idea how long it's going to last and you just want to get away but here's me saying oh I've got this trick and you're thinking oh please, please don't set up a table and I get like a cup out and an egg and then oh no what's he going to do?

Is he going to make a cup disappear? Is he going to eat an egg? Can make an egg appear out of his ear?

But anyway I think they should have feel happy that I was doing tricks for them a sign of kindness isn't it to share your passions even if your passions are tedious to them still sharing, still sharing, sharing yeah I like the way I say sharing I might do a bit more often maybe I'll make it my word of the day oh well I need to go and get some shopping at some point so you take care of yourselves I'm going to bring this to an end I wonder what the magician's name was I said his

name earlier it's not Bobby D'avereux that's a comedian it's not Herbert Nathan Paul Daniels that's it I just had a name Daniel came up because like Nathan Nathaniel Daniel Paul Daniels I feel ever so pleased for myself I might even treat myself and pat myself on the head I'm gonna do it oh that's so weird bye for now bye