#94 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (11th February 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is jasonnewland.com and this is letmeboreyoutosleep.com. It's not really, it's just let me bore you to sleep. Imagine searching, there might actually be a website called letmeboreyoutosleep.com which would be quite a good domain name for me to have I suppose. Considering that's all I do, boring people.

So please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes as this boring recording may cause boredom to arise within thy brain causing thy eyes to wish to close and therefore thy eyes may succumb to the boredom and close. And if such event were to occur, certain activities such as riding a bicycle, driving a train, swimming with sharks and a variety of situational activities which involve your attention may not be suitable. So please only, only, only, only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

And if you're watching on YouTube, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Sounded sarcastic, didn't it? Thank you for watching. I do, I do appreciate, honestly I do. I appreciate you watching and please subscribe and leave a lovely fluffy comment.

And whether you're watching on YouTube or you're listening on you know whatever podcast this is broadcasting on, feel free to leave a comment telling me how wonderful I am if that's what you wanted to do. I'm going to use my hypnotic powers. You will leave a lovely comment saying some nice things and then when, I sound a bit like Churchill, and we will fight them on the beaches and we will fight them in the air.

Yeah, so yeah, it's a really good opportunity because you're online and we can communicate in those ways, you know, leaving messages and saying how, because I do get quite a few private comments like messages telling me how I've helped and a few more public ones would be nice. I can understand why it's private because sometimes the the messages are filled with a lot of very personal content concerning the person that's sending me the message about their own personal lives and possible illnesses or whatever it is that listening to me has provided them with, you know, a degree of relief and helped support them through that period of their life.

And so it's sometimes it's things that they would not want anyone else to really to hear about or to read.

So here's a few examples of those. Dear Jason, I've had a lot of problems with piles, a lot of problems with piles ever since the accident with the cucumber and it's just, they're terrible. But since I've been playing your relaxation audios to my bum, everything seems to have relaxed and the piles seem to just kind of calmed themselves down.

So, and that was from Sebastian in Germany. So it was, actually I suppose I shouldn't have read that out. But anyway, it's, you know, you get the idea.

If you do have any comments, please leave them on the, wherever really, not on a wall. That would be no good. I was going to say the Berlin Wall.

Is there still a Berlin Wall? But yeah, just somewhere where I'm going to see it. If you write it under a table of a restaurant in Australia somewhere, I'm not going to get to see it. You know, one day when they're doing a refurb of the restaurant, I'm saying, who's this bloke? Who's this bloke called Jason? Hypnosis? What? Piles? It's like, what on earth? You helped me overcome my fear of UFOs.

So it can be a degree of different things. So yeah, I'm always, always happy to hear if I am being useful in some way, because that's why I'm doing these recordings. It's not just because I'm incredibly bored with my own life and it's my way of filling in an hour.

It's because it's not, although it does feel it an hour in of the day, plus another two or three hours with the editing. And well, the thing is I make out, it takes a long time. But the fact is when I'm making a video, I edit the video, I put it together.

It's all done in a couple of minutes. And then I render it and it might take a couple of hours to render. And then it becomes a big file of like five gigabytes or something.

And then I upload it to YouTube. So there's not really a great deal of work involved for me to participate in. However, I like to kind of exaggerate a bit.

On my input in the process, because I sound, I sound amazing. I sound so wonderful. So the point of these recordings, if you have never, ever listened to any of these, let me bore you to sleep, audio from podcasts or videos.

The point of it is that I talk at you for, you know, roughly an hour. And that's it. You know, it's, I've probably done about 30, maybe 25, possibly 21 different introductions, possibly more, maybe less, on what this let me bore you to sleep is, you know, what the synopsis is, what the idea is behind such a thing.

You know, but I don't know. It's because it's turned from being me just expressing and telling stories, expressing, I don't mean like lactating, but it's gone from me just being really, really boring and sending you to sleep through extreme boredom to also, as well as doing that, also having some people listening to these recordings daily as a kind of, you know, for relaxation or to calm your mind, maybe as a distraction, or maybe as some kind of, I don't know, sort of like a company, you know, not physically, obviously, but it's emotionally or virtually company. So it's kind of that kind of thing where it's just, it's like a continuation of the day before, very much like life, really.

And that's very much like life, what life is, isn't it? Continuation from yesterday to today, till to tomorrow, and there on and so forth, and so on, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Lately, I've been closing the kitchen door because the boiler has been making a bit of a racket, a bit of a noise. It's, I don't know, sort of, the sound I can really say that it sounds like, it sounds a bit like what I imagine what Disney would sound like.

He suddenly woke up from his big freeze. They're like, what am I doing in this box? What am I doing? It's like rattling it. Let me out.

I need to draw something. I've got an idea. Where's Minnie Mouse? Where is she? The love of my life.

And I need a cigarette. So yeah, it's like very rattly, very rattly, very, very kind of. So I've been closing the bar, did I say, I meant kitchen door, did I say bathroom door? Or did I say bedroom door? I didn't say front door.

I definitely didn't say back door because I don't have a back, well, you know, I mean, a back door as far as a door, you know, that goes into a garden, although there is a door and there is a garden. So that there is a door that goes into a garden, but it's not, it doesn't leave from my particular flat. But there is a communal space, uh, like some grass and stuff.

And there's a door that leads to it. So there is a back door, but it's not my back door. So technically, I suppose I've got two front doors.

So I've got my own front door. Then there's a front door to the building, which is a front door, but it's not mine. I'm not responsible for it.

I don't class it as being my front door. I suppose I would class it as being communal. I share it with the other 500 people or whatever they use it.

So it's, it's like a share, it's a sharing situation. Yeah. So I don't, I don't claim ownership, not, not even in my, my mind, but I do have a front door.

I remember the first time I saw it, because when I came to move here, or before I moved here, because it's nearly four years, it's nearly four years. And I'll tell you when it was, it was, I do believe it was the Easter weekend and it was the Tuesday. I'm pretty sure.

So there was the bank holiday Monday. And I came to visit this flat on the Tuesday to view it. And I was asked whether I wanted to take it there and then, which I wasn't expecting because I, I dearly wanted someone to come with me to have a look.

So I've never had my own flat, not like this before. And just wanted to get a, you know, a second opinion. But, so I felt a little bit pressured to say yes or no.

And I said, I don't know. I don't know. Do I really have to tell you now? And she said to me, she looked at me.

That's how I knew she was talking to me. Didn't say my name, but she looked at me, even though there was no one else in the building. It was just me and her.

But you know, I knew, I knew she meant business. She said, you can go away if you choose. We'll uncuff you.

We'll get the, we'll let you go. However, if you do want to, this flat, you'll need to let us know by the early afternoon. And I was there, something like 8.30 in the morning or something.

And I said, okay. And she said, and I said, okay, what happens now? Then she said, well, if you don't take it now, I'm going to show a bunch of other people your, the flat. And then if you turn it down this afternoon, then they'll get an opportunity to have it.

And there was someone waiting outside. And I said, I'll just have it. I'll take it.

And she jumped up and down. We did a little dance together. It was very impromptu, but it worked because the good thing about it is she was swinging me around and I was thinking, oh, I'm going to start hitting stuff, you know, because my legs were off the floor and I was, she was just swinging me like a rag doll.

And then I realized there's no furniture. It's a completely empty building. The rooms are empty.

And I think that's kind of, it makes everything look bigger, but not everything. But I did go into the bathroom and there was a mirror in there and nothing, still the same, still look the same, but it's things like being swung around in a dance, dancey situation. It was nice because it just, you know, had the human touch, human touch.

So it was, it wasn't a cold, uh, experience of, you know, do you want this flat? Yes, I do. Well, there you go. There's the contract.

Please sign it. There's your keys. Please don't flood it.

Please don't flood it. So it was, please try and get on with your neighbors. They may be your neighbors for some time.

So I moved in. I had to get the keys. It was in that order.

So I had to get the keys. I don't know when I got the keys. It might've been the following Monday or it might've been a couple of days away.

I'm not sure. But, uh, I had to go and get the keys and I was told that, yeah, that's it. So I went and got the keys and then, cause I had to get the bus to the place cause it wasn't anywhere near where I lived.

So I went and got this bus. Uh, luckily the bus going back to town was just outside the building that I was at. So that was good.

I think there was an, uh, an off license or a news agents was near there as well. I might've gone and bought myself a bar of chocolate, but I can't be certain because I didn't write it down in my journal. So I collected the keys.

I went in there and I don't know if it's still the same building, a council, uh, tenancy building or whatever, but I went in there and they said, hello. I said, hello. I said, can I help you? I said, yeah.

She said, what? She said, I can't understand what you're saying. And I said, oh, sorry. I thought I was dreaming.

Um, yeah, I was on the bus. I fell asleep. I thought I was still asleep.

Yeah. Um, just come to collect my keys. And she said, ah, is your name Paul? I said, no.

She said, ah, Mr. Newland. I said, no. She said, ah, what is it then? I only got two sets of keys.

I said, it's Mr. Newland. She said, ah, are you sure you don't mean Newland? I said, no. Newland.

I've got 800 recordings where I say Newland at the beginning of them. I don't need a complete stranger telling me how to pronounce my own name. Ah, but how does your parents pronounce it? How does your dad pronounce your surname? He pronounced it Newland.

Ah, how does your brothers pronounce your surname? Well, I'll answer that with a question. How do you know I've got brothers? Well, it's because it's, it's you that's telling the story. You have all the information.

At the start, you had all the information. So, you know, I know you've got brothers because it's me, that's you, that's telling the story. Ah, that's me that's going ah, not you.

Ah, what about your grandmother? What did she call you? She called me Jason. No, but what about the surname? I can honestly say throughout my whole life, not once did she ever call me by my surname. Not once was I up in the garden and she shouted out, Mr. Newland, would you come in here, please? Your dinner's ready.

Oh, I see. So, how did your nan pronounce her own name? Eileen. What was that? Oh, it was a fake laugh.

Oh, that's a bit unkind. Do you not know doing fake laughs is, it's very rude? Well, I don't know. I didn't really give it that much thought.

I just, I just thought it'd be nice. I thought you might like me more if I did a fake laugh. Well, it didn't work, did it? I guess it, okay, I guess not.

And why are you doing that voice? I just thought it would be nice. You didn't like the fake laugh. I thought maybe you'd like a fake voice.

No, I don't. Oh, can I keep doing it anyway? Why would you want to keep doing it anyway? I don't know. Just, you know, sometimes you, just, something feels right.

Well, this is it. I don't know what the right term for it is. It just, I just, it feels like I've finally found my niche in life.

Your niche in life. How? In what way? Well, by talking like this, and even though I realise it's getting more different than what I talk, it just feels like it's really comfortable for me. Okay.

And why, why are you telling me this? Well, because it's only us two that really exist in the world, in this little world that we've created, isn't it? I suppose so. I really don't know. I think I used to know.

Well, what is it that you used to know? Well, there used to be a purpose to making these recordings. It seemed like there was a reason for it. And although I didn't rehearse, I didn't, never really, you know, wrote a script, never really knew what I was going to say at the beginning, or at the middle, or at the end.

I kind of, I don't know, kind of stayed in character for the duration. What do you mean by character? What was that? Well, I decided to keep the fake laugh because I enjoyed it so much. That's just really strange.

I know. So I've been keeping the fridge, the bedroom, no, the bathroom door closed a little bit because of the sound of the boiler. So to keep it nice and, you know, just to muff it a bit, muffle it, muffle, muffle the muff, muffle, silent, kind of silence it a bit.

Oh, yeah, okay. So now I keep it, not closed fully, but what I noticed is, yeah, it's like I went into, go on. I went, I went into the kitchen and it was really warm.

What are you doing? I'm active listening. What? I'm actively listening. I'm letting you know that I'm listening.

Yeah. Well, I can't let you know by nodding my head continuously in some kind of frantic way because no one can see that because it's a podcast. Podcast.

It's a podcast. So, yeah, so I'm doing it verbally by going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just making the noises continuously.

And you call that active listening? Yes, yeah, yeah. And where did you learn that? A communication course. So you actually, let me get this right, you paid, you paid money to learn how to annoyingly interrupt someone continuously while they are talking? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So how, how did you actually learn to do it? Well, it's quite easy, really. You just practice for like 10, 15 seconds to start with and then you just increase it. So it's like, yeah, go slow to start with.

You practice and you want to find one like some of the sounds that sounds nice that fit with what you want to do. You know, it's got to fit with you. It's like, you know, you need the right type of underpants if you're going to ride a bicycle, you know, that kind of situation.

It's, you know. So what you're saying is your communication style for interrupting people, which you call active listening, is the same as underpants that are worn whilst cycling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, okay. So you practice for what? A few seconds, 10, 20 seconds? Yeah, and then just increase it. I can do it for like 20 minutes now.

I do vary it though. I don't just go, yeah. Yeah, sometimes I do a long, oh my god, mmm, ah, do the odd noise, I try to be very experimental with the sounds because we learn some of the different techniques to let the person that's talking know that what they've said is resonating with me and that I'm really appreciating the new learnings that I've gained from the experience and the knowledge base of the person that is communicating verbally with me.

So I like to let them know, and there's a few different cues to do that, a few different, you know, sounds. Right, so there's sounds, there's specific sounds, what, what, what, what, like, well, let's say somebody's talking, if someone's talking and I'm going, mmm, yeah, mmm, and I'm not sure if they're noticing that I'm actively listening. They, you know, might not notice, so what I do is I do something a little bit different so they can, that they can know that I'm still listening, just in case they think that I've wandered off, you know, internally, I mean.

Okay, you can give me an example. Okay, so let's say you were talking about yourself and you might think that I'm getting bored because, for whatever reason, and so I'm going, mmm, mmm, mmm, and then what I do is I go, mmm, mmm, mmm. That last bit I made up.

I don't ever do that. I just thought it'd be funny. But, yeah, it's a case of just doing different things.

It's experiments, you know. Okay. But, you know, not all experiments really work.

What do you mean? Well, this is an example of that. Some things that weren't even a good idea to start with continue. What do you mean? I'm bored with this now.

Yeah, me too. So I closed the door. I don't close the kitchen door completely, but the other day I walked in and it was warm in there and I think it was the very, very first time ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, since I have lived here that I've noticed the kitchen being warm.

And you may say, but JJ, what about when the cooker is on? Isn't it warm then? Yeah, it is. It does get warm. But it's a different heat.

It's a cooking heat. It's a cooking heat. It's a different type of heat.

And there's the smell of food. But I think to walk in to a kitchen and for it to be hot, but no smell of anything really is, I don't know, just seems a bit strange sometimes. Can't open a bedroom.

No, the bathroom window won't open. So I have to use the extractor fan every time I have a bath. I have to turn that on once a month.

Because I only have a bath once a month. Yeah. So I turn it on.

With the extractor fan, I turn it on. So I have the bath. I wash everything that needs to be washed.

I spend a bit of time, you know, I've got favourite parts and have some quality time there. So I get, then I dry myself off and I put, usually I put my left foot down on to the green or blue, I think it's blue or green towel. I get a little muddled up with those colours.

And blue and green. My time as an electrician was very, very interesting. So, but it's either blue or green and I had set and I put my left foot down first and I lean on the sink.

And then I put my right foot down. And the reason I do it this way is because I fell out of the bath not long after first moving here. And I broke my wrist.

So I just, I like to be careful. So I get up. So I'm standing there.

I turn the fan on. And, and then when I finished in the bathroom and I've done what I need to do, I leave the bathroom door open so the air can get in there and the, the moist can be dispersed and dispensed throughout the world. Because I don't want moist.

And I'm not, I've got nothing against moist things. You know, generally, it's just, I don't want, I don't want moist walls in my flat, you know, sort of on the, okay, how to word this, mouldy. Yeah, I don't, I enjoy the mould.

And I don't want that to occur here. I pretty much do any, well not anything, but you know, I will, I'm not, so I do anything. I can't assemble a tank from scratch.

I don't know how to. So if you said, well, assemble that tank, you said you'd do anything, go on, do that. I can't.

I don't know how to. Even with instructions. I'm not even sure how to change a plug.

Then I'm not sure why I would want to change a plug. What, what, what's in it for me? I think it's, it seems safer for society to get somebody else to do stuff that is technically difficult. You know, like electrical stuff or plumbing.

It seems that, yeah, the better idea would be to get a professional plumber in or a professional electrician in to do the electrical side of things. I'd like a punch bag, but I don't know how to, I need a punch bag, but I need it hanging from the ceiling. Because if it was standing up from the floor, it would be, it could be noisy.

It could be, you know, quite disruptive to the neighbor downstairs, which I really, I'm not, I'm not going to do. I'm not going to do that. Because I've got a really, really good neighbor.

So if I had it from hanging from the ceiling, from one of the, what do they call them, those wooden bits in the attic? Not floorboards, not skirting boards, not wooden boards, not parts of a boat, a boat wreck. Is it beams? Beams that go across and support? Yeah, because doesn't a house have the triangle beams at the top? It does, doesn't it? And it's quite an old building. Goes back, not that old, but probably just after the Second World War.

So possibly in the 50s or late 40s, something like that, when this building was put up. And imagine how many people have lived here over that time. I know there was a man living here before.

And I know there was a lady that had two shep, they shep dogs, you know, big, big old dogs that used to live here with her. And all the doors have scratch marks on them, where the dogs have been scratching to get in or get out of the doors. So I'd like to change the doors one day.

I do think what should I do with the, with the flat, with my home, once I have any some kind of an income, you know, what I could do, I put in, I'd like to put in a nice new carpet, but the most soundproof carpet that exists. So that I can't hear the neighbours, the neighbours can't hear me. And then I'll soundproof all the walls.

I thought also what I would do is put in, do you know, in Spain, I don't know if it's just in Spain, or even if it's just a cliche, but I think it is in parts of Spain, they have the wooden window, not wooden, wooden windows. They have the, the wooden things that they put over the windows to close the lock the light out of the, maybe that's because of the siestas. Is it Fiesta or Siesta? I know Fiesta was the magazine and the car.

So was Siesta. Fiesta and Siesta, both cars, weren't they? But Fiesta was the, it was a magazine for intellectuals. I'm not sure if it's still around.

And I'm just trying to think. Yeah, there's a reason for why I was saying that. I don't remember what it was.

Driving around. I don't know. Something about a car.

No, I don't recall. Couldn't have been important. It really is.

So I'd like to soundproof all the walls. And yeah, to get those, like this Spanish window things to block out the light and the sound. So, partly so that when I go to sleep in the summer, if I, although to be fair, I like to have the sun on me in the summer.

I like to sunbathe in my bed. And it sounded like a really strange thing. But during the summer, some, not all the time, sometimes I like to open the windows, open the curtains wide, let the sun shine in and just lay on my bed and let the sun shine on me and feel nice and calm.

Maybe have a t-shirt on, some shorts, maybe wear nothing. Maybe just let the sun and the air. Yeah, just have, let the, let the stink circulate around the flat.

So it's, it's nice. So that'd be nice to have those, a way to cut out all sound in the whole flat. And then I'll be able to make more recordings that were of a perfect sound.

Well, as perfect as possible, without any background sounds, no birds, no traffic, no Andre. I thought he's been very good tonight, because I took him for a long walk, which is what he wanted. He's wanted that all day.

And I took him out. And when he got back, he was happy, went to his bag and gone to sleep. Got exactly what he wanted to get.

He went for a walk, got himself to sniff everything and to rub around and everything. And he's, he's happy. Doesn't take much.

As they say, if you can't keep a ferret happy, how are you supposed to win the Olympics? So on that note, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna fly away into the ocean of dental decay. So I'm just gonna say goodbye. Have a lovely, lovely evening.

And day and morning. Just remember, listening to me is free. You can listen on my website, jasonnewland.com. And also I'm on lots of different podcasts.

That's it. Alright, I'm gonna go. Bye.