#41 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (7th August 2018)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. And I'm making a video, like an actual proper video, where I'm recording myself. As well as recording the audio on my recording studio thing.

Which means, I think it's the first time I've ever done this, I think. So, hopefully, at the end of it, I'll have the audio like normal, that I'll upload those to Spreaker, SoundCloud, my website and all that stuff. But, I will also edit it on a video so that I use the sound from the recording thing, edit it onto the video.

So that it should, hopefully, match up. But, it might not and it doesn't really matter. Worst case scenario is it doesn't work but I'll still just upload the audio like normal.

So this thing here, down, if you're watching, is the microphone. It's literally just, this is actually the pop filter and the microphone is just there. So, I'm about that far away, about two penis lengths away from the microphone.

Anyway, welcome to jasonnewland.com, I think I said that. My name's Jason Newland and this, I've already said all that, haven't I? Anyway, I've thrown myself off because I think I have videoed myself making a Let Me Boy The Sleep session. But, this is the first time I've done it for a while and never really attempted to make it look okay.

I say look okay, but I'm on here and what you've got here is a baldy man. So I've shaved my head, if you can see, and even shaved my beard off. And, not even wearing my glasses, so hey.

Although I can, but they're over, actually I don't know where they are because I can't see where they are. They're somewhere. I've been trying to, the boring starts now, but I'm starting the boring part.

Although you may think I've already started it. If there is any background humming, it's just my laptop, it's just there. But, I want to keep a track of the time because there's a film I want to watch at quarter to eleven and it's ten past ten.

So I'm going to not be doing a long session, so a long recording. So this will be about half hour, maybe. So hopefully my dream, my dream of all dreams, is that it will be a good video, you know, clear picture.

Although I think the less clear the picture is the better, really, for, you know, regarding my face. But, there you go. So clear picture and a clear audio, which is a good sound.

And then maybe I can start looking at doing more videos again. But with proper, decent quality sound. I'm using the iPhone for the video, although I do have a camera, which I'm going to be looking to use as well.

But that will be more for the short videos. But it's a little, I don't know, it's a bit... It seems like the camera on the iPhone is possibly better than the actual camera picture, which is a little bit weird. I didn't think that would happen.

I had to use a lot of moisturiser. Because, you know, if you... Because I had a beard, I've had a beard for years and years and years. I rarely shave.

I didn't do a wet shave, like a, you know, skin, or not... How am I explaining it? It is on my skin. But, you know, I used an electric razor, like a beard shaver, to get my hair down to pretty much nothing. And also for my beard.

But I didn't wet shave. So I had to moisturise it. Because if you wet shave, it gets any sort of excess dry skin off.

Not that I'm flaking or anything like that. I'm not like a... I haven't got like chin dandruff. But it's still... You know, I do like to moisturise.

So that's about all I do. That's my grooming technique. When I say grooming, I'm talking face, you know.

That, you know, not Jimmy Savile kind. So this is just going to be me talking. And the whole idea is only listen to me if you can close your eyes.

Or if it's safe to close your eyes. Because the whole idea is for me to just be boring. That is the point.

That is the main objective of this. And I might end up having to have the microphone much closer to me. But... Oh, I just bashed it.

But I'll see. We'll see what happens. I'm not going to worry too much.

And... Because even though this is probably... I don't know how many of these let me bore you to sleep sessions I've done. Quite a few. This is kind of like the first in the new generation of let me bore you to sleep.

Where I'm actually on camera. Which will be a bit weird because sometimes I do find myself laughing at what I say. So you don't get to see that.

Sometimes I do have to bite my finger. Occasionally I've coughed when I wasn't really coughing. But I was just trying to... Because I've just said something silly that's tickled me.

That happens occasionally. I don't mean to but... And it's weird because... The whole idea of this is just to bore you. And then... You know.

You're asleep. You're like... And then I start making weird noises. Which is not good.

So at least you can see me on camera and see that I'm not doing anything too weird. Look. It's my hands.

So... Sometimes these sessions... By the way, the boring has started. I started it at the beginning. I know we're only like six... Eight minutes in.

But... The boringness starts right at the start. Right at the beginning. There's no real... There's an introduction but it's boring.

It's the same stuff every time you listen to any of my recordings. I always start with the... Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com It used to be... It used to be... Hello, welcome to www.jasonnewland.com And maybe once it used to be... Hello, welcome to www.jasonnewland.com But now... I just say jasonnewland.com Because I'm hoping that... Well generally we don't need to... If you put jasonnewland.com it should just come up. I think.

So... What shall I talk about today? Right... Let me think... What's been on my mind? Ah! So I've been singing songs... On an app... Called Star Maker. You might notice that... The more I talk... The more relaxed your body feels. And the more I drone on and on and on about stuff that's... No relevance to your life or... Any interest.

You'll just find your mind... Kind of wanders a bit, you know? You know that in the same way that... You've got someone in front of you. And they're talking. Maybe you're at a party... And... You're hoping to meet someone.

Maybe you're at a party, you're hoping to meet... A nice lady or a nice man. Maybe a new friend or maybe something more. But instead of... That happening... You end up... With somebody... Who you don't particularly want to talk to.

Not in a rude way, but you know... You're not really there for that. But they decide to... Talk to you... For... Hours and hours. And they just want to talk and tell you... Everything about... Their carpet... Cleaning... Hobby.

If there's such a thing. As an example... Maybe someone collects... Door knockers. And maybe... Especially now with mobile phones... You can actually... You know, instead of carrying around... Door knockers with you... In a trailer.

Because that's a lot of work, isn't it? If your intention is to bore people with your hobby. Mobile phone. By the way, if you're in America... I know you call them mobiles.

Or cells. But that's wrong. They're called mobile phones.

So... That person's there talking to you. And not only are they talking to you... About these door knockers... That they collect. They also... Show you pictures... Of those door knockers.

One... After another. And the second one... And the third one... And the fourth one. You may think, well... If you're saying one after another... Surely... Maybe the third should be next.

Not second. But... It doesn't really matter. That's just... Me coughing.

Have a drink. So that's kind of what this is about. It's... Kind of being cornered... At a party.

By someone... That you just don't want to talk to. As I said, it doesn't have to be in a... A cruel or rude way. You just don't... Maybe... Don't gel with them.

Or just don't... You're not interested... In that particular... Conversation... At that... Particular time. You know? It's not always... The right time... To hear about the... The mating patterns... Of... The Brazilian... Butterflies. You know? It's... Not everybody wants to... Hear about that stuff.

For me an equivalent would be... Someone... Having just had a baby. And wanting to show pictures of their baby. And... You know? I've seen pictures of babies before.

And... There's not a lot of difference between them. It's... They're all kind of... They look like babies. I do.

You know? I look forward to one day... If someone says... Oh look at my baby. And it looks like a giraffe. Or you know... It's... It looks like a big spider.

Or you know... If it had... If there was some kind of... Something a bit... Like... Like really big ears. Flapping. Then that... That would be interesting.

That would be an interesting baby to look at. But... Because that wouldn't be a picture of it flapping. That would be more of a... An MPEG I guess.

You know? Something like a little video. I suppose. So that's what I mean.

You know when someone's... Comes back from holiday and... They want to show you... Pictures of their holiday. And there's another picture... Of the beach. And there's a picture... Of the first meal we had... In the hotel.

Two and a half hours after we arrived. We unpacked and... Bobby had a shower. Because his... His arse was sweaty.

Then we came down and had a dinner. It was very nice. That's the first dinner.

Now here's the bed. Here's a picture of the bed. The picture of the bed... When we got to the hotel.

And here's a picture of the bed. Just before we actually got into the bed. As you can see one side is... Of the... You know the cover is folded over.

As I was ready to get in. Here's the toilet. Here's a picture of the toilet.

And it goes on and on. You know there's... Here's another picture of the beach. Here's a picture of a beach with a different seagull.

Here's a picture of the sky. Here's a picture of the sky with a... A cloud formation that looks... Just like a tampon. Maybe worse than that would be... People coming... You know for a wedding.

Maybe... You know having gone to a wedding and... Afterwards... Maybe a week or two later. After the honeymoon. Come back and say... Oh... We got the pictures back from the wedding.

Do you want to see them? No. No. No.

I really, really don't want to see them. I don't want my... I don't want my toenails... Varnished. And I don't want to... I don't want to put my hand into a public toilet.

I don't... I don't want to see the wedding pictures. It's... I don't want to milk a cow. There's just certain things... You know... Nothing against... Cows or their... Milky parts.

I just... It's not something that I... I... Really want to talk about or hear or... Or see pictures of. But don't you want to see pictures of the wedding though? Pictures of the wedding. You... You know... It's our wedding.

It's our special day. I said I was there. I was there.

I know what happened. I was there. It's like, you know... Going to see... The Titanic.

The movie The Titanic. Why? You know what happens. You know what the ending is.

That's why I don't watch more movies. I know what the end was. There's no surprise ending ever.

If Titanic had... Moby Dick. Dressed as a... Clown. Popping up.

And singing some kind of... Ballad. You know, then playing a banjo. You know, then... Then I would... I would watch it.

Maybe it could be a Rod Stewart song. I am sailing. I am sailing.

You might hear Andre in the background. Crinkling along. Doing his thing.

So that's what this is about anyway. It's about being... Bored. It's about... It's all... Not just about being bored.

But it's also... Knowing that... Nothing that I say... During these sessions... Is of any consequence really... To the world. If I say something... And if you fall asleep... Don't worry about... Having missed anything. Because you really haven't.

In the same way... When you're looking through someone's... Photograph album of... Their wedding. You don't worry that maybe... You've missed a photograph. Oh, but... What about that photograph of your... Uncle's best friend... That I've never seen before... And will never see again.

Perhaps I can see that picture... Of him... And you... And their family... That you took during the wedding. And maybe you can name... All those people to me. No.

So let me tell you about my singing. Now that I've explained. What my singing... Story is going to be about.

Well, first of all... I started using this app... Called Star Maker. And... I use the iPhone... And I use the microphone... That comes into the iPhone... The lightning thing. And... Using that... It sounds fairly good.

And... The... Playback is quite good... If you use the app. That's kind of the whole story really. But I will... I will meet it out.

I will... Flesh it out. I will add... Add stuff. Add some random words... To this trifle... Of nonsense.

So I started singing... When I was about... Seven... I suppose... Seven or eight... In my memory... That's as far back as I can remember... That I started singing. And I remember I used to walk... Around... The field at school... Singing Sandy... From Greece. And... Hopelessly devoted to you... From Greece.

And then... You know... As I moved on... I used to walk around the field... At... You know... Various schools I went to... All of the different schools... That I recall... I used to walk around the field... Singing. And... Sometimes it was... Adam and the ants... Stand and deliver. Or perhaps it was... Madness... It must be love... Baggy trousers... Maybe... At times... I'm trying to think... Who else there was... There's a lot... Just any... Of the... Bands... I mean my... Favourite... Singer... When I was... Young... Was... Who was it? Shaken Stephens.

And... I don't know what it was... I think it was maybe because... He was... I don't know... Maybe kind of the... An English Elvis... Apart from the fact that... He was from Northern Ireland... And... He didn't... He didn't sing like Elvis... But he did have the... Or was he Scottish? Or Welsh... He was from somewhere... But he had the quiff... You know like the Elvis quiff... And he used to wear linen... Denim... Denim jackets and jeans... And... I loved him... I absolutely loved him... Completely... My favourite, favourite singer... And... That's it... He wrote... He had so many different songs...

Some of the most famous ones... Like Behind the Green Door... It's Raining... Also... He's... I don't know... Obviously what country you're listening to this from... But in England... Every Christmas we have... A set bunch of songs... That are... Played... Constantly on the radio... In... Shops, retail... You know, places... And... They're all continuously played... Or maybe... Christmas parties... So... Some of the obvious ones... Would be... Let's have a look... Boney M... When a child is... Was it Boney M? When a child is born... I don't know... Or Brown Eyed Girl... Something like that... Brown girl in the rain...

La la la la la... Then there's... Wham's Last Christmas... And... Last year really was... Wham's Last Christmas... It's quite weird... That was... But... That's one of my favourite songs... And... Shakin' Stevens has got one of those songs... And... Merry Christmas everyone... And... That's played constantly... But again... You may not have heard of him... But... If you haven't heard of Shakin' Stevens... If you just Google... Or actually go on YouTube... Probably better... Go on YouTube... And put in... Shakin' Stevens... And... One of my favourite songs... Would be... It's Raining... Because it's more of a ballad... It's quite a salad...

Salad... Quite a sad ballad... A salad... Sad ballad... Salad... Salad... And... I just find... I just... I feel... By the way... I've got my eyes closed a lot of times... Because... There's light shining in my eyes... And I haven't got my glasses... I'm getting new glasses... And they're going to be actor light... So that... When there's light shining on... They will go a little bit darker... So that I don't get the eye strain... Which is good... Because I've got macro-degeneration thing... In my... Genetics... So I need to... Look after my eyes... A bit better than I have done...

So... Yeah... So Merry Christmas Everyone... Was one of his... That's probably his biggest... It's probably his biggest hit... Because it was a number one... It was at Christmas... And it's played every single year... So technically it's probably his biggest hit... But he was the biggest... I think he was the biggest actor... Act... Biggest UK act... During the 80's... Was Shakin' Stevens... So yeah... He was... Brilliant... He was a big, big star... He had loads of hits... Shirley... You Drive Me Crazy... Oh that's one of my favourites... You Drive Me Crazy... Or You Drive Me Crazy...

More crazy... It's like crazy... What other ones... Shirley... Behind the Green Door... Like I said... It's Raining... There's just so many... It's a bit like the Beatles... You know... Just... So many songs that they made... I suppose my real favourite... Was Elvis... But... Because I was... I wasn't even seven... I was still six... When Elvis... Was no more... So... I guess I didn't... I used to hear his songs... But I didn't... I was too young to really... Appreciate him... In his... Lifetime... But... I definitely learnt to appreciate him... In my lifetime... And... Big fan of Elvis...

Not as much as my brother though... He was absolutely... Fanatical about Elvis... And had loads of... Elvis Presley this is... Not... Elvis... Jordan... In case you're wondering... Which Elvis... There are a few Elvis's... Not many... But there's a few... Like Elvis Costello... He did Oliver's Army... Which is... A great song... But I don't think Elvis... Was his real... Was his real name... I do wonder how many people... Were actually called Elvis... Like in the world... I mean I've never ever... I've never met anybody... That's actually called Elvis... Maybe the reason... Why people don't call... Their children Elvis...

Is... It's a lot to live up to... Isn't it? It's like the... The most famous... Singer... In the history of... Music... Basically... In the western world anyway... Sort of in history... I mean... Not the most famous now... Because... I suppose... Justin Bieber... I don't know... Whoever... Justin Bieber... I did like... I really liked... Justin Bieber's... First song... Back was about... 10 years ago... Over 10 years ago... Isn't it? Really liked it... I think it was about 15... Maybe I was younger... And... Saul Montelli... It was such a... It was a really catchy tune... It was good...

So yeah... I used to sing... And... I wrote my first song... When I was about... 8 years old... And me and my family... Had gone on a camping trip... And we stayed in a... Caravan park... For one night... I think we were just travelling through... Maybe to Wales... Or on the way back... Or I don't... I don't recall really... But I met a girl... That I liked... Called Mandy... And... I guess she was probably... The same kind of age as me... I played with her for... A few hours... I think probably... We were probably there...

For one night... Or two nights... And so I met her... And then she left the night after... The next morning... Or the next afternoon... I really liked her... And... I remember waving to her... As she was leaving... And... I suppose really... I kind of fell in love with her... So I wrote a song... And... I called it Mandy... Because... It's really weird... I actually still remember... The lyrics to this song... So I'll tell you the lyrics... I have kind of told people this... In the past... On... My Jason Chats... But most of those have been deleted...

So... The lyrics I think was something... I won't sing it because... If you've drifted off... Then you don't really need me... To start belting out... Some kind of... Love ballad... Of an eight year old... That would be... Strange... So it's... Mandy... Listen to me... Mandy... I want you to see... Mandy... I want you to hear... I don't want... A single tear... I love you Mandy... Mandy I do... I just wanna know... If you love me too... Just say something... I wanna know... Just say something... Like... Hello... I'm Mandy... I love you... I actually wrote another song...

I wrote a few songs during that time... All the way up to... Probably the age of... Fifteen... Sixteen... Fifteen... So for quite a few years... I'd write songs... I couldn't... I could play instruments... I did learn to play the violin... And... The drums... And the bugle... And the glocking spiel... But... It's quite hard to sing along to a violin... It might sound a bit strange... Or to a drum... To a glocking spiel... You know... It's... Yeah... It doesn't... Those weren't really... The instruments that would've... Been... Perhaps... The best accompaniment... I don't think I've ever... Ever seen anybody...

Sing... You know... Like a street performer... Singing along... And... Accompanying themselves with a violin... I imagine opera and stuff... But just someone... Just singing... A busker... With a violin... Singing... A pop song... Maybe that should be... Justin Bieber's... Next step... A violin... Talking... Singing... And playing the violin... At the same time... So before I go... If I can recall it... I'll give you the song... I'll give you the... The lyrics to a song... Another song I wrote... And it was... This girl... When I was at school... I was... Probably... Fourteen... Fifteen... Fourteen... And... I fell...

Fell in love with this girl... And... Her name was Sarah... And... This song... Is called Sarah... So here we go... If I can remember it... Sarah baby... Listen to me... Sarah baby... I want you to... No, sorry... It wasn't that... I was just gonna do the whole Mandy... Song with Sarah... But I won't... Okay... So... Couldn't keep a straight face for that one... So the Sarah song is... Dear Sarah... How do you do? Hope you're missing me... The way that I'm missing you... Do you think about me... In your sleep? If you do... Think about...

Out, out, out... What it means... Feelings are not always shown... During the day... But when you go to sleep... All your worries drift away... And then your feelings... Start to arise... Showing you something... That you didn't... Realize... In a kind of chorus... This is a chorus... I... Love... You... Sarah... You know... I do... There's nothing... That I can do... This feeling is uncontrollable... I love you... Sarah... I love you... So... Thank you for sharing... This wonderful evening with me... And... Those song lyrics are copyrighted... So please don't record them and... Make millions and millions of dollars...

But if you do... Please chuck me some money because... I ain't got none... So thank you very much for listening... You can watch this video on YouTube... You can watch it on my website... jasonnewland.com Or... www. jasonnewland.com SoundCloud... You can listen to this... Spreaker... iTunes... Spotify... I'm everywhere... Not everywhere... I'm not... I'm not everywhere... I'm here... But you know... Quite easy... To find online... Thank you very much... Bye...