#20 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (24th April 2018)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep Whilst My Tummy Rumbles Because It's Hungry. So, okay the title isn't all of that, it's just Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

I'm feeling a little bit a little bit tired but I always do generally feel tired whenever I start to make these sessions. Hopefully my stomach will stop making those weird alien sounds. Whenever I have like a weird stomach movements or sounds coming from my stomach, I always think back to the alien movie.

I just can't help it. But nothing like that's ever happened to me. So I hope everyone that's listening to this recording is well.

I just want to thank those of you that are listening to my stuff. Thank you. That's it really.

That was the whole, yeah that was pretty much all of it. I just, I do appreciate, oh sorry I'm bashing the table. I do appreciate your support for, you know, by listening.

And there's different ways, different ways that you can support me. But the biggest way is by listening. I guess by actually, you know, that means you're part of something, part of this with me, whatever this is.

And I appreciate that. I do sometimes get messages from people saying, especially on YouTube rather than anywhere else, but why, oh you know, I wish more people knew about me, or knew about my work. And I suppose I wish that too.

That'd be nice to maybe be heard, so I could just have more people hearing me yawn. At the moment, you know, the numbers are growing constantly. And so yeah, I'm feeling okay.

I've had over 3,000 plays on SoundCloud and iTunes and Spreaker. I've had over a thousand plays and downloads on there, so, in the last week. So it's growing.

I do work on my website a little bit as well. But I suppose I should just remind you to only listen to me or watch my videos when you can safely close your eyes. Actually, last night, I had a Google, an email from Google telling me that somebody had tried to, or no, somebody had successfully logged into my Google account in America.

So I had to change every single password for all the different places that I, you know, websites that I use. So that was a bit worrying. I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, deactivated those for now, because I don't, you know, I'm just thinking if they get onto there, you know, what kind of trouble they could cause, whoever they are.

I do wonder why. I wonder what's going on in someone's mind to want to hack my Google account. They're trying to get access to my bank account.

Then they're going to be very disappointed. It'll be a very, it'll be a very big shock to them. That's why I don't have to worry about identity theft, because nobody would ever want to take my identity on.

Can you imagine someone wanting to be me, pretending to be me? No, it's not going to happen. So the point of these thingy things that I do here is this, let me bore you to sleep session. This is really just that.

I just talk and you're gonna, you just find yourself just really, probably the more, the more you hear my voice, the quicker you may find yourself feeling tired. Even though there's a fire alarm or car alarm going off somewhere in the distance. And it sounds like there's a bit of wind outside and the sounds of it, but I can't see from where I'm sitting in my big black squeaky chair.

I can't see the tree or the trees. I can only see the roof of the other buildings and they don't sway. Thankfully, I can tell by the trees moving around backwards and forwards and it's going to say up and down, but they don't, I guess, really move up and down.

I'm talking about trees. I took, took Andre for a walk last night. Well, early, early evening.

I don't know what time it was, but we went out to, we went into the country, country lane and I actually let him off his lead or I let go of the lead so I can stamp on the lead if I need to, to stop him from running into the bushes and places I can't follow him. But he loves to have a good run and I can keep up with him generally. So we got in, we, you know, we walked, he ran and I walked and ran a little bit behind him and he loved being out there.

He was rubbing himself up against the grass and if he finds a little hole, you know, in the, in the mud or in the ground, he likes to try and fit himself into that hole regardless of how small it is or how big it is. He loves to just try and get inside the hole. He's a bit of a contortionist really.

And we were just walking, at this point I was holding the lead because I let him run without me holding the lead. Otherwise that would have meant that I would have to be running with him. And I'm not, I'm not against running, but I can't be bothered really.

It's, you know, it's not, I'm not morally against it. It's just, I can, I can move fairly quickly when the need arises. But I don't find that the need arises very often because what is there to rush around for? For me, I'm more focused on ways to relax and to calm my mind and body.

Not, you know, all the time, but I do prefer feeling relaxed and calm. So I was just walking and I had hold of his lead. I was holding his lead in my left hand because he was walking on the left side of me as we were strolling up this, it's pretty much a dirt path really.

It was just, I imagine it's, it's the side of the field, which has been worn away probably by the dog walkers. Because I'm a, like an unofficial dog walker really, even, even though Andre isn't a dog, I still go down the areas and use the same pathways and park and places that dog walkers use. So I sometimes get to say hello to the other dog walkers, I suppose you could call them, although I'm not officially a dog walker, I'm kind of, I'm a ferret walker.

You know, some people think that I actually take him out for me. What they don't realise is I take Andre out for a walk because he insists on going out every day, more than once a day, if possible, every single day, whether it's raining or snowing or, you know, there's, you know, do I need to list all the different weathers? I suppose I could have made that sentence shorter, couldn't I? Whatever the weather, Andre wants to go outside. Whatever the temperature, Andre wants to go outside.

And you know what, even, we had this little cold patch last month and again he wanted to go out, so I took him out and I had to wrap all up and I had two pairs of trousers on, didn't have any skis. I never owned a pair of skis. We don't really have that kind of weather here where skis are generally needed.

Even if I did have skis, where would I put them? And they're quite big. I take up quite a lot of room just for something that could be used maybe, you know, a few times a year. But even then, because we have such little snow and it's a fairly flat area where I live.

I imagine if you, if someone lived in Wales, for example, there's lots of hills in Wales, so if it snows, which it does snow quite a bit in that part of the country or that part of the world during the winter, then I suppose if you had skis and snowboards and sledges and sleighs and whatever other things, um, things that slide, really, and I suppose a big serving tray, you know, a big, I don't know, really, what kind of things slide? I suppose you could turn a table upside down, couldn't even use that, but tables aren't as cheap as they used to be.

I went into a place, it's a while back, it's a couple of years ago, I think it was when I moved in here into this where I live now. I was looking for, just looking at furniture, thinking that a table would be maybe 30, 40 pound.

And I was surprised at how much a decent table with chairs actually costs, but luckily I have a table. It was actually my man's, so I inherited it, and it's big enough for for people to sit at it and eat, kind of. You know, you wouldn't, um, you wouldn't be able to read a book at the same time.

There's not enough room to, I don't know, if you like putting things onto a table, you know, if you had football boots or whatever and you wanted to put them on the table as well, you wouldn't be able to do that and have four people eating, but then you probably perhaps wouldn't want to have football boots on the table. But I think there's, there's a part of me that, it's like a rebellious part, I think, even at the grand old age of 47, there's still that rebellious part that perhaps wants to do things that I was told I wasn't supposed to do or wasn't maybe allowed to do when I was a child.

And by that I don't mean setting fire to the school or, you know, doing silly things like that.

I mean, um, things like putting the feet on the table or what other things? Farting during the news. You know, what I noticed though, I noticed this a few years ago because I spent so many years living on my own and I noticed that I was eating with my mouth open. I really just really eating with my mouth wide open and I never realised I did that because I'd never do that in public.

You know, I eat, my mouth is closed and I don't know why it's such a frowned upon thing. It's just food, isn't it? I mean, it's just food. Being chewed in a way, eating with your mouth open is a lot less problematic maybe than talking while you're eating.

That's the thing is if you're on a date, if you're in a restaurant and you want to talk to the person, maybe it's a first date or something like that and you want to talk to them. You might not want to talk to them but I imagine some kind of verbal communication will be useful to prolong the, well, improve the chances of a second date, I guess. I don't know.

And then if you're both eating food and you're in public and you ask the person a question and they answer with food all over you, I don't know, it might reduce the romanticness of that situation. Unless of course being covered in chewed up food is, you know, one of your turn-ons, I suppose. I just thought my ideal, an ideal date would be an ideal date, a first date.

I suppose it's different for everybody. I do wonder what it'd be like to meet somebody just and have that connection, you know, instantly. Have that instant wannabe with them connection.

I haven't had that for such a long time. I think it'd be quite nice. So how's your body feeling at the moment? Even with these background sounds, especially the sounds of that car that just bit its horn.

And I could tell just by sitting here that that was somebody who just dropped off a friend or a family member and as they pulled away they bit their horn. Is it because they forgot to say goodbye? Probably not. And here there's some drilling or some kind of power tools being used in the distance.

And since I've moved here there's a house and the people in that house have been doing, I don't know what it is they're doing, but they're using power tools for the last three years. I sometimes wonder what they're up to. It's only an average-sized house unless they build them down.

Maybe it's, you know, it's a two-bedroom house but maybe there's another hundred bedrooms underground that they've built. Maybe they've got a swimming pool under there, a jacuzzi, a movie room, you know, a big theatre, maybe a larder, maybe a fish tank with 17 sharks. Maybe they've got their own circus that performs in the main circus room.

Maybe there's a train down there that takes them to London. Who knows what's going on in that house? I suppose I'll never know because I've never, never really, really understood power tools. And then one day I went into this big, big hardware store, like a big massive hardware store with my father and he he had to get something, I don't know what it was, but I went in with him and I passed these drills and these various power tools and I felt myself start to get excited.

I actually felt that I started to turn into a man. I was turning into a man with manly needs of making making noise for absolutely no reason and to build stuff that I don't need. I just had this feeling there was some kind of like a ritual thing, there was some inbuilt processes within me that were being stimulated.

I didn't feel right because I'm not really very manly in that way. I'm in the generalised, cliched way of liking football or loving football or being interested in rugby or being interested in cars. I wanted to go to the pub and drink beer.

I'm not really making noise, as much noise as possible, in any way possible. Whether it's with a lawnmower or with a drill or with a hammer. Yeah, I've never, never been able to sort of get into that frame of mind.

I sort of wanted to so that I could fit in. At the same time, I don't want to be fake. I don't want to pretend to be something that I'm not.

I've still not figured out what I am yet, but I've figured out lots of things that I'm not. I remember when I was working, my friend, my boss actually, he was absolutely in love with football, absolutely loved football. And he taught kids, he coached young kids as well, as well as supporting the local team and really, really loved it.

It was his life. It was the love of his life. I'm not sure if his wife would be happy about that.

So we went out, the whole kind of company met up and went out to the pub. I think it might have been someone's birthday or something. I don't remember.

And we went to this pub and there was football on and it was during the World Cup. So there was a lot of people in the pub and I was watching it for a while. It was very, very noisy in there, very loud, lots of grunting and the testosterone was putting me off my, off my wine, off my cinzano.

So there's a lot of, yeah, there's, there's lots of activity. And then there was a break, I think it might have came to halftime or, or there was like a little lull when there wasn't much going on. I asked my friend or my boss, I said, which team is which? You know, I think it was, I think which one is England? And someone heard me say that.

He was sitting at the bar and he wasn't with any of us. He was angry. He was really, it's like I just pulled his trousers down or something.

You know, he was, he, you know, I don't think I could have got a weirder reaction from him if I'd pulled his, if he's pulled his shoes off and his socks and started sucking his toes. I think he would have, he would have been complete, like look at disbelief. I would have chucked a jelly at his face.

It would have probably had less of an effect. So, um, I didn't know which was which, because I just didn't, I don't follow football. I don't follow rugby.

I just don't, I don't have any moral issues for, for not following them. I just don't, doesn't really interest me. And I'm, you know, I'm happy for people that can, that can find the release that maybe they need by watching men in tight shorts running around like little kids.

You know, it's, it's, it's lovely to watch. It's lovely to see the happy smiles on the football fans' faces. You know, so, you know, I feel, feel it's good for them, good for them.

If it keeps them happy and they're enjoying themselves, then why not? Just, I don't think I've ever watched a football match and felt completely satisfied. Not in a sense of wanting more, but I don't feel satisfied that I've really used my time in the best possible way that I could have done. Maybe I could have done some laundry or cleaned the bath, you know, I was going to say I could have rehearsed signing my signature.

I don't do that anymore. I used to do that when I was younger. I used to practice signing my name.

And now when do we need to sign our names? So much of the stuff is digital now, isn't it? It's just, you just type your name in. I don't even know how to sign my name anymore. I know how to sign it, and I do still remember my name, but, you know, I'm not signing someone else's.

Edward Stevens, you know, I'm not signing someone else's details, their name. I do, do recall my name. It's just, I used to have a sense of ownership of that particular signature that I used to use, which I had rehearsed, but it doesn't seem to be useful anymore, which is, it's not really a shame.

I don't think it's particularly important or anything, but even going into the bank, and if I take, if I put money in, they don't want me to sign anything. But if I draw money out, they want me to sign, but then they don't check the signature with the signature on the card. So putting money in, they don't care who I am.

But then I suppose there's very few people that would actually put money into somebody else's bank account. Probably not going to happen, is it? You find someone's bank card on the floor, I suppose there's not many people that would find a bank card on the floor and think, I feel I'll put 200 pound in there, into their account. I don't know how long I've been talking for.

I know my stomach needs to be fed. I'm going to need to squeak my chair, so hopefully... So from the sounds of this, it's about 43 minutes, something like that. So I'll probably bring this to an end.

I need to get this chair sorted out. Proper squeaky it is, proper squeaky. And I'm going to have, I'm going to treat myself to some hot cross buns, because I haven't had any for a while.

And the supermarkets generally have stopped making them because Easter finished two weeks ago. But I went into a store today, and they're still making them. Maybe they froze them, and they're from, you know, maybe a month ago, and they froze them, and then they frost them, and then sell them.

Maybe that's it, because they were very squashed, very squashed. But I'm not going to let that get in the way of me enjoying the process of eating these sticky hot cross buns. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to, when I finish this, I'm going to go into the kitchen and turn the grill on. Because the hot cross buns, I have to actually cut them in half, and they don't really fit into the toaster very well. And even if I can get them into the toaster, it's not so easy to get them out of the toaster.

And it's also not, it's not very easy to judge the level of grilling or toasting that's being done, because sometimes it gets a little bit burnt. But when I, and also I can only do one at a time. I like to have two hot cross buns, you know, two cutting halves, it's four pieces.

So what I do is I grill them under the grill of the oven, and just turn them, and just watch, and just turn them until it's a nice level of grilled. And then I put butter or margarine on top. It's yummy.

It really is glorious. It's one of my favourite things. Maybe I should use that as a story.

You know, if I do meet someone that likes me, and wants to have a date with me, maybe I can tell them that story about the hot cross buns. Because I think it shows an interesting side to me. It lets her know that, first of all, you know, about my eating habits, and how I like to eat hot cross buns.

And it also shows that I think I'm creative with, you know, I'm able to deal with situations and problems as they arise. So I'm quite a practical person. Because the problem I had with the hot cross buns was, you know, I needed to do four at a time, or you know, four halves.

Because if you do two halves in the toaster, then, then they're ready. You put the two halves in. But then when they're ready, the first two halves may be cold, or cooled down to level.

So not to have optimal enjoyment of those particular hot cross buns. I know you can't, you know, can't eat all four at the same time. But hopefully, you know, they'll all keep enough warmth to be able to enjoy the process of eating those hot cross buns as, you know, during, during that period of feeding myself.

So to be able to, I guess, express that I'm able to think up a creative solution, whereby I grill all four slices, all four halves of those hot cross buns at the same time, underneath the cooker grill, shows that I'm creative, I'm inventive. And I'd say quite exciting. It's quite an exciting story to tell.

I probably shouldn't start with that. I shouldn't, shouldn't lead with that story, because I need to then find something else to, to beat it, you know, that's even more exciting. And I'm not sure why, what I could come up with.

I suppose I could continue with the story of the hot cross buns and talk about my first memory of eating hot cross buns, even though I probably did eat them when I was a kid. But when I was 17, or 16, 16. Yeah, I was probably still 16.

Wow. 16. 2000.

No, 1987. I moved into a flat, first flat that I ever lived in. And I rented it off of my boss.

So I was 17. The following August, that April, I moved in, still 16. I ate hot cross buns, and a cup of tea.

And my friend was with me. I had a friend. And I was watching Worlds of Gummidge on television.

And those were the days before DVD players. There was no internet. There was no, you know, there's no internet channels, no Sky, no HBO, but not in my country.

No Netflix, none of those stuff. No Amazon. And I think I did get a video recorder at some point.

I did when I was living there. But at this point, I didn't. I just had a television.

I think it was, I think it was a black and white television. So I was watching Worlds of Gummidge, eating my hot cross buns with a cup of tea. It was a Sunday morning.

And I think I was sitting in a fairly bare room, just on a chair. I'm not sure if me and my friend took turns sitting in a chair, whether or not there might have been two chairs, or perhaps one of us sat on a floor. I don't recall the exact details.

But I do remember the hot cross buns. And I've always, since that moment, had a, like a fondness for hot cross buns. A nostalgia.

Just a nice feeling connected to it. I suppose I could lead with that story, couldn't I? That could be like an opening story for a date. If I go out on a romantic evening meal with somebody, and take a list of rules as well, I suppose.

The thing is, if you have a list of rules, it's okay to have those. But what if those rules don't fit in with the other person? So I might think, oh, there's something that I shouldn't do. But what if the person I'm with likes a man to pick his nose at the dinner table? You know? What if she likes to hear farts? It's just hard to, hard to really, to prejudge.

Especially if it's on a first date. Anyway, I think that's probably the end of this here thingy. As I said at the beginning, it's just me talking about stuff.

And the more you hear my voice, the more relaxed and calm you feel, the more tired, the easier it is for you to just let go completely and sleep. So that's the end of this session. Thank you for listening, watching.

If you're watching on YouTube, please share this if you like what I do. Share my work with other people, friends, family, complete strangers, if you like. And I'll speak to you next time.

Lots of love. Bye.