#90 Relaxation Hypnosis for Stress, Anxiety & Panic Attacks - HOPELESSNESS - (Jason Newland) (5th February 2020)

Hello and welcome to Relaxation Hypnosis for Stress, Anxiety and Panic Attacks. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes.

And please subscribe to this podcast. Now, I want to talk today about hopelessness, or probably better, dealing with hopelessness. And I think it's a fair bet, a fair guess to say that every single person in the world has had the feeling of hopelessness at some point.

But as per usual, I'm going to focus from this podcast perspective for someone going through anxiety, dealing with stress-related illnesses, panic and stuff like that. And from my own perspective, my own memory, I had a lot of hopelessness when the anxiety was really, really at its worst. And I think the worst point, really, for me, and there was a few low ones.

But one of the worst moments was, it was 2003. No. Yeah, 2003.

I'd been on a retreat, a Buddhist retreat. And it was December. I was like, over Christmas, basically.

And I think it was from Boxing Day to new to like, a week later. Or the day after Boxing Day, something like that. So anyway, I went up there.

It was in Norwich and Norfolk, near Norwich. And I've been going through the periods, you know, like, since for a year, literally, of having anxiety attacks at random times, anxiety moments, stress, I was on medication. And I, I was just, yeah, was it? Yeah.

So this is 2003. Went on this retreat. Everything was fine.

Everything was fine. I actually felt really good. Well, I felt okay.

And the idea was, we were getting on a train, which would take us to Norwich. And then from the train would get a taxi. Simple, very simple thing.

But when we got to the train station, there was no trains. It was a bus replacement service. Which meant instead of being, instead of having a bit of room, because there wasn't that many people.

So there would be plenty of room on the train. It meant that we really squashed together on this bus, or coach. And as soon as I sat down, and the bus took off, or the coach took off, it kicked in.

I had one of the, it's hard to like, gauge, you know, give them marks out of 10. Well, that anxiety attack was a six. That's much, you know, but it was awful.

It was really awful. And I didn't know what to do. I felt trapped.

Anyway, I managed to get there. And, you know, just remembering this, remember, hopelessness. I felt hopeless.

That was how many years ago? It's now 2020. I was 33. I'm now 49.

So it's a long time ago. It's, I think it's useful to get in touch with the reality that it's not going to last. The reality that those feelings, whatever they are, however extreme they are at the time, they won't last.

Just like the extreme feelings of pleasure won't last. We're constantly having different feelings. So back then, I'm on the bus, get to where I'm going, and I'm just a nervous wreck, literally just shaking.

But I wasn't physically shaken. I was shaking inside. But no one else could see.

And which made it a bit worse because I wanted people to know. But no one could see it. They were just talking to me like normal.

And I was not feeling normal. So I get to this retreat centre. There's a couple of people there I know.

I go with someone I know as well. But there's a few people that I know. And it's bunk beds.

It's almost like an army barracks. And it was, I don't know how many, probably about 10 bunk beds in this room. So I'm on the bottom bunk.

And someone else is on the top. And I'm just, I don't know what to do with myself. Because, you know, I've paid a fair bit of money to go on this retreat.

I'm on the retreat to help with my stress. You know, meditation, I thought that would be really useful because I've been doing meditation since November the previous year. So for just over a year, and I had found it beneficial.

But it just came out, it came out of nowhere. You know, and for at least five days, solid. And I say solid, that's a lie, because of course, we're always changing.

We're never always feeling the same thing. But it felt like I was in that zone. Of anxiety for five days.

But I experienced a lot of anxiety during those five days. And it got to the point, I had to leave. Because it was getting worse.

It didn't improve. It got worse and worse and worse. So in the end, I said, see ya, bye, got a taxi to the train station.

And if I remember rightly, it was a Sunday, and it was New Year's Eve. And I'm pacing around like a captured lion. Or like a lion in a cage in the zoo that hasn't been sedated.

It was almost like an out of body experience. I couldn't understand why the people that were working there, why weren't they coming and asking me if I was okay? And then the other part was thinking, what if they think that I'm up to no good? Because I felt like I was sweating. I felt like there's got to be something wrong here.

It's got to look weird from the outside. All I wanted to do was get home. And I think it wouldn't have mattered where I lived.

I could have lived in the most horriblest room, like the one I lived in before I moved here. But I'd have been so grateful to get back home into that room. Just to get away from the people.

Get away from everyone and everything. And the train journey was about 50 minutes long. And I think I might have got a taxi back to home from the train station.

And I just sat there on my bed, not knowing what to do. And that was one of the most hopeless situations or hopeless feelings I've had, one of them in my life. If I couldn't even go to a retreat, a meditation retreat, which is supposed to, in my mind, what could be more relaxing than relaxing? That's kind of how I was thinking about it.

And I'm really, really, really worried for my mental health, for my state of mind. You know, was I going mad? I mean, genuinely, that's how I was thinking about it. And that's not great language to use, but that's how I was thinking about myself.

Am I going crazy? Am I losing it? Is there something really, really wrong with me? Is my brain not functioning properly? I didn't think, is it a personality thing? Is it a bipolar thing? Is it an anxiety thing? I just thought, my brain is not working. And I came to this conclusion that I had to do something different. I had to make a change.

So what I did is, I stopped drinking alcohol for the whole of 2004. I stopped drinking alcohol. I didn't eat meat, although I think I was already vegetarian at that point.

And I went to the doctors again. I think I'd stopped taking my medication, the antidepressants. And the beta blockers, I didn't find them helpful myself.

And I guess the reason why I stopped taking the medication is because a friend of mine, I was talking on the phone, and he was going on and on and on and on about how bad life is and stuff. And I was trying to say to him that things will change. I've been saying this stuff for years, but it's true, things change.

And he said to me, I was right for you. Of course, you're going to be calm because you're all drugged up on medication. And it bugged me so much, I chucked the medication away, which is not a good idea.

That's a whole new thing, isn't it? A whole different topic, I guess, worrying about what other people think. But I felt hopeless, absolutely hopeless. But I'm here.

I'm here now. 17 years later, or 16 and a bit years later, I'm here. I've felt hopeless loads of times.

But that was almost a different level. A level that I just couldn't, I couldn't see a way out of it. I couldn't logically see a way out.

So I made a change. But part of that change was a determination. I decided, and I was determined to change the way things are for me.

I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. The first step was to not drink any alcohol because it doesn't, you know, I found it didn't reduce my stress levels. Well, maybe temporarily it felt like it did.

But I didn't know what else I was going to do. But I had that spark, that little spark came into my head, the little spark which I grabbed hold of. It's almost like, I suppose, you know, you see people, I'll say on telly because I don't do this myself, but, and they're rubbing sticks together, and they get a spark and they've got a blow on it.

And they, you know, in order to turn it into a fire, like a bonfire, so they can cook some food and keep warm. I was in the Sea Cadet, so I did learn a little bit of that. But it's mainly from television that I see it, films and stuff.

But it was like that, I got this spark and I blew on it. And I encouraged it to develop into something more. But I didn't know what it was going to be.

So what happened in 2004, I started to make changes. I started to go to the gym. I started to be, I'm just thinking about it now.

And this goes together with some of the things I say in these recordings, I started to be nicer to myself. So I had a little bit of savings. Because I've been working up to November.

So I didn't sign on, didn't like sign on unemployment, and had a part time job in a gift shop. So kind of, I had enough of what I needed. I had low rent.

And so I started getting myself a few, a few nice clothes. Not many, but a nice top. Nice trousers, maybe some shoes.

I started meeting up with friends for coffee. Or, you know, going for meals, you know, just, I don't mean restaurants, but just, you know, like for lunch. I did something I hadn't done before.

I started going to blockbusters. And I know it doesn't really exist anymore, but it's a video shop when it was around. It was huge when it was around, wasn't it? Blockbusters.

And we used to have them in every town in England, pretty much. Sometimes we'd have two in one town. And I bought myself a television with a DVD player.

Connected, you know, sort of in it. And I started getting DVDs out. Instead of, because before that I was renting VHS tapes, or I used to buy them.

I used to buy lots of VHS tapes. I had a huge library, which I gave away. And so I started treating myself to watching some of the new films that were out.

I started going to the cinema to watch, you know, the latest films. Things that I hadn't done, possibly before. I hadn't done it before, or for years.

And it was difficult. There were times when it was difficult. I remember I was watching a Spider-Man movie in the cinema.

I think it was during 2004, and I had a panic attack while I was watching Spider-Man. I think it was Spider-Man 3. So I had to leave. I didn't have to leave, but I chose to leave because it was uncomfortable.

It was well beyond uncomfortable. So I ended up watching the movie all the way through, when it came out on DVD. But I didn't let it stop me.

I still did things. Not much, but I did something. I was working possibly three days a week.

And on the other days, I'd try and do something. Go out, maybe could visit my Nan once a week. And I started to feel less hopeless.

I don't know if it was quite at the level of hopeful, but definitely in that, you know, in that direction. And I started doing martial arts, Wing Chun Kung Fu, which I lost some weight doing that as well. So I felt probably more comfortable, more confident.

And that was probably the slimmest I've been since, well, in the last 20 years, that was the slimmest. So I think the main thing, I suppose what I'm trying to get at, if there's a way of getting to it, is hopelessness is a feeling. It's a thought pattern.

It's temporary. It doesn't feel like it at the time. So sometimes it might be useful to prepare, to prepare for those times when that sense of hopelessness possibly arises for a short period of time, knowing that it will decrease.

And then taking practical measures, maybe doing something new, finding something that you look forward to doing. Because, you know, when I was a kid, growing up and in my 20s, and I was around comedy for a while, and there was, you know, people used to make fun of train spotters. You know, it's like, oh, they're boring.

And, you know, that kind of stuff, like how pointless, what are they doing that for? You know, I've been traveling by train all of my life, all my adult life. I don't drive. I've yet to see, I've yet to see in all these years, one miserable train spotter.

They're happy. I don't mean they're standing there with a big grin, false grin on their face, doing a little dance. I mean, they're doing what they enjoy doing.

So there's something about that. If someone can get hope and meaning for themselves from doing something that maybe a lot of other people would see as pointless, it's not pointless to them, because it's what they feel, it's the feeling they get. So I kind of think, well, it doesn't, in a way, it doesn't matter what it is that you do, if it gives you the feeling, if it pulls you away from that sense of hopelessness, if it gives you hope, gives you something to look forward to, gives you a meaning, gives you a purpose.

It doesn't matter if you're training to be a brain surgeon, or you want to collect shells off a beach, or go take pictures of butterflies. Or I'm not saying those other things are meaningless. I'm saying it doesn't matter what it is, if it gives you pleasure, emotional pleasure.

Whether it's playing a musical instrument, or watching your favourite television show, lying in the garden, taking your dog for a walk, you know, maybe writing poetry. And maybe that thing you've not discovered yet, something that can pull you away from that hopelessness feeling, something that, it's almost like I've told you before, the analogy of a bath, a really hot bath, you add some cold water, the bath can never get hot again.

You know, it's basically, if you put too much cold in, you've ruined the bath.

You have to be really careful to get it just at the right temperature. But it definitely changes how the bath feels. So you've got that, I mean, the feeling of hopelessness could be, you know, it's a scolding bath.

It's a horrible emotional feeling. It's horrible. It's one of the worst feelings.

Once you start adding a little bit of something else, it changes the feeling. Sometimes you do something physical, it can change that feeling. It could be as simple as having a cup of tea, however weird that might sound, or going outside just to get some air, reading a book, or doing something that you really enjoy doing, and maybe maybe forcing yourself to do it, to start with.

You know, kind of giving yourself a bit of a push. Because you know, maybe you're standing at the top of a slide, and you know that you're going to love the slide because you've done it many times and you love it. But you're actually facing the other way, and it's a big jump, well, a big drop.

There's a ladder that you climbed up, but you're almost, you know, it feels uncomfortable, and you can't see the ladder. All you can see is the floor, the ground, a long way down. If you turn around, you can see the slide, because you're on the top of the slide, you're just facing the wrong way.

And when you face the slide, you might look at it and think, okay, I do like slides. But you might think, I can't be bothered. Can't be bothered, probably won't like it, probably won't, you know, the internal dialogue.

So it's a little bit of a push. Sit down on the slide and just push yourself down. And then you remember how much you enjoy it.

That's why I think other things, like eating, this is just my personal opinion. But when it comes to being kind to yourself, eating fast food, high fat food, and stuff like that, clearly, it's not good for us physically, is it? You know, excessive amounts is not not healthy. But every now and then, having something that you really enjoy eating can be a real treat.

So you know, you might love eating pizza. Provided you haven't got a physical issue that, you know, stops you from eating that safely, you could treat yourself. It raises your spirits, it changes how you feel in the moment.

And the fact that how you feel changes so quickly shows you that what that original feeling wasn't, wasn't that sturdy to start with, was it? Wasn't that strong to begin with? If it can be swayed and bent, and, you know, misshaped so easily, just by doing something that we enjoy, or thinking about something that we really like, or really think about someone that we find fun, relaxing, remembering something, or planning something that you can look forward to.

I'll give you another example. This happened naturally.

So I didn't plan this, but it happened. I had an educational course booked, it was a hypnosis course that I'd paid for. This is in 2000, 2013.

And it was, I was working in a call center. And I was, by sort of August time, June, July, I'd really been having a hard time with it. But there's one question out of all the questions I had to ask people on the phone.

And the question was, have you got any part time? Or do you have any education? Are you in higher education? Or something like that. And I got a glow, a glow inside me. Whenever I asked that question, I got a little bit of a glow.

And that was the only thing that I can't, I could grab hold of. Because at the time, I was really, really low. But it gave me a little bit of hope.

Just remembering that I had this course that was going to be starting in the following January. Or, yeah, or might be in October. But I'd had this, it gave me this feeling of almost like a trigger was set up.

I didn't plan for it to happen. But every time I asked that same question, I was asking it maybe 20 times a day, 30 times a day, depending. I don't know how many quotes I was doing.

And I had that feeling. So maybe there's something in your life, a conversation you might have, maybe something you see in your home. But when you look at it, you get that feeling of, you know what, there is hope.

There is purpose. There is a future. Things will be okay.

It might be something you see, might be a photograph, might be a book. It might be something you hear. It might be something that you smell.

You know, you might walk past a fast food restaurant. And you think, hmm, I'm going to go in there on Friday. And treat yourself.

It could be anything. And these things might be happening naturally without us noticing. Because it's the old thing about the spotlight, isn't it? Because the whole point of the spotlight is it does bright up one spot.

But the other point of it, for anyone that's been to the theatre knows, the spotlight moves. If it stayed in one spot the whole time, you'd be watching half, maybe three quarters of the play, look at an empty bit on the stage, because the actors are moving around. So the spotlight has to move.

Which means it can be shined on other stuff, other ideas, other thoughts, other plans. Other things that you're positive about, that you're feeling good about. They can remind you.

And if any part of your brain says, oh, things are never going to change. All you need to do, get hold of a photo album. Have a look at a picture of you when you was younger.

Maybe you was a baby, maybe you were 10, maybe you were 20, 30, whatever. Just have a look at a picture of you from years ago. And then say that same sentence to yourself.

I'm never going to change, things are never going to change. Always changing. Always changing.

Always. And it's got its flip side to it. The things that we love doing.

If you're in the middle of doing something that you actually thinks wonderful, gives you the most physical pleasure or the most emotional pleasure you can have, that won't last, because that will come to an end. And just like the most painful experience will also come to an end. You can't have one without the other.

So unless you've had an experience of absolute bliss that's lasted forever and ever and ever. You can't say, you can't expect the horrible feeling or the unpleasant feeling to last forever, because it's just a feeling. And they don't last.

Not only do they not last forever, they don't last for long, actually. But sometimes it feels like it does. And the brain, the mind can sometimes feel stuck.

Like that spotlight, you know, needs to be loosened a little bit. Just needs to start looking at other things. Start to notice other things.

Because the idea that nothing ever changes and you're going to feel this way forever is not reality. And you can argue with reality all you like, but you can't win. Reality always wins.

So what's the point in arguing with reality? I can say that I'm a six foot six all day long. Not one person will agree with me. Maybe if I meet someone that's three foot two, they might think, yeah, you do look six foot six, because I'm five foot nine.

It's not real. What's so wrong with reality? It's painful. But at least it's real.

Isn't there something to be said for that? Because then you open yourself up for pleasure, if you open yourself up for pain. If you keep yourself open, all of it can come through. You can't have one without the other.

And I wish we could. I really wish we could. You know, obviously, it'd be lovely, wouldn't it? Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure.

Nothing else but pleasure. It could be a bit boring, but yeah, pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. But then what would we moan about? I like to have a little moan now and then.

If everything went my way all the time, and everything went perfectly, swimmingly perfect, I couldn't complain about stuff. And I love to have a little moan. I really do.

Not all the time, just now and then. A little moan. Usually try and do it in a funny way, but just, you know, a light-hearted look at what's happening.

Kind of almost stepping back a little bit and observing it. From a different angle. A little bit of distance.

Realising that actually, there's more going on there than just what's in that spotlight. If you step back, you can actually see there's a whole stage there. Now, it might be a whole set on the stage.

It might be like a house. It might be a tree on the left side of the set, on the stage. But you can't see it, because the spotlight is just shining on that one spot.

But what you could do, I suppose, is just turn all the lights on. Let everything be seen. So you can experience all of the feelings.

Because when all you experience is pain, or that's all you're kind of focusing on, it feels worse than if you allow yourself to feel the pleasure as well. And I've talked about this before. You know, it's basically, if you've got emotional pain, try and knock on your door, and you're stopping it from getting in.

And the more you stop it, the more it bangs, the more it bangs, the more it bangs. And it doesn't give up. And then another bit comes along, another bit of pain, emotional pain comes along, knocks on the door.

Eventually, the door, you just spend so much time pushing on the door to keep it closed. That eventually, the door does come in. You know, there's too much of that stuff.

And this pleasure wants to be invited as well. But the pleasure sees all this pain building up and thinks, I don't know if we want any part of that. That looks like a bit of a crappy situation.

Maybe we'll come back later. Besides, he clearly doesn't want anyone in his house, he's pushing the door closed. So we're probably not welcome anyway.

And then that pain comes in, it's an overload. Yet if the door is just left open, the pain can walk in, and then just walk out again. That painful feeling can walk in and walk out again.

The pleasure can see that the door's open. Oh, we are welcome. And then you start to notice those pleasurable feelings, realizing that feelings are just feelings.

And oh, they're not all crappy. You start to notice when you're laughing, you start to notice when you're feeling quite good, physically, emotionally. You start to notice that you feel more confident within yourself.

And as that door's open, it's almost like the door, why it gets widened. The door comes off his hinges, you get rid of the door altogether. And there's this big gap.

And what happens is, it's almost like the painful feelings seem to become smaller. And the pleasure seems to grow bigger. It's quite nice when you think about it.

So maybe allow yourself to get in touch with those moments in your day. Now that you're allowing yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, realizing that if you do that, it won't only be hopelessness. There'll be other feelings there as well.

And the thing about hopelessness is when it's on its own, it's only strong if there's no other feelings. Once other feelings come along, gratitude, other feelings of pleasure, just a little bit of pleasure, that hopelessness loses its strength. In fact, it can no longer be called hopelessness.

Because hopelessness in itself is a definite word. It's like concrete, steel, it's there, and it's unchangeable the way we say it. But the reality is, it's not unchangeable.

And once it starts to change, it's completely changed. So it's like anything, if you go back to the bit of metal, once you melt some metal down, it's no longer the thing it was. It's still the same material.

But it might have been a wheelbarrow before, melted down. It's no longer a wheelbarrow. You're never ever going to be able to use it for the same thing as you did before.

I suppose you can make another wheelbarrow, never be the same though. Never be the same wheelbarrow. So the feelings in us are always transforming, always changing, and we change with them.

So that spotlight, maybe becomes all of the lights being switched on. Or you could just move the spotlight around to get to know your surroundings a bit more, noticing new things. But you know, if I turn the light off in this room now, and I've got a spotlight, I talk flashlight, whatever you want to call it, and I started shining it at different parts of the room, it's going to look a lot different to what it does with the light on.

I'm only going to be seeing certain parts. Even though I know there's other stuff in here, it's not going to feel like the same room. But then turn the lights on, there's way more to it than just that.

So I'll leave you with these thoughts and these ideas. Remember to be kind to yourself. Because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.