Yay. Hello. So this is my bloggy thing. As I’ve been working on my website and really focusing just on the Let me bore you to sleep side of things, I thought I would return to writing down my thoughts. I used to write journals for a couple of decades, but ended up destroying them. Shame really, as i would quite like to have a read and see more of what i was like back then.
In 1989, I suddenly had this constant thought about writing down what was on my mind. I suppose in a way I was interested in trying to make sense of my weird brain. SPOILER - I never achieved that outcome.
Throughout the 1990’s I very much focused on attempting to write stand up comedy with a mixture of how I was feeling and some of the stuff going on in my life at the time. Then in 2000’s, I didn’t write as regularly, but did continue, with occasional bursts of interest. Then in 2011, after experiencing some conflict in at the shared house I was living in, I ripped them all up. I remember, it was a Sunday afternoon and i cut my hands to bits whilst listening to Bob Dylan albums. At the time it was the only way I could find, as a release.
I realize now that it was a pattern that I had learned through my life, I just didn’t;t seem aware of it. Self Harm, was my release. So, if I didn’t physically hurt myself, I would destroy something I deeply cared about. Just another way to punish myself I guess. I’m still not really sure why.
Wow, this has turned heavy quickly. I wasn’t expecting to write that down. I think my mind is in a different place when i write compared to when i talk into a microphone. So, there have been many times that I have self harmed in the past, but it was mainly as kid. Again, I didn’t recognise it as some kind of psychological abnormality.
When I was about 9 years old, another kid at school was annoying me and I went to punch him. He ducked and I punched the corner of the brick wall. It really hurt. Although I don’t think I broke anything, my hand was bloody and I couldn’t move it. However, as I sat in class focussing on the throbbing hand, I noticed that I was no longer angry. If anything, I had a sense of emotional pleasure or maybe it was a release of anxiety.
Another occasion, as a kid aged 8, I remember coming home from school and walking up to my mum (1st step mum) and just bursting into uncontrollable crying. I couldn’t tell her what was wrong, as I didn’t even know. I used to just let the stress build up until it released itself. I was truly bewildered by it all, although I would not have used that particular word to describe it at the time. I suppose I was a strange kid who I grew up into a strange adult. The fact is, there was so much crap that happened in the past that no one was allowed to talk about, I just had to find my own way of coping. I’m not saying I’ve always successfully dealt with my unresolved emotions, but I am still here. So that’s something.
Now, this was supposed to be me talking about silly stuff, how come I’ve begun so serious? I don’t know. Don’t worry, if anyone is actually reading this, it won’t all be like this. I guess this is an outlet for me to express myself in a different ways to how I do verbally. In some ways I think I’ve always been a bit more articulate in my explanations or my thougts when writing them down. In a way this is a much more personal way for me to communicate. I’m not sure. Plus with the Let me bore you to sleep podcast, I try and keep things light, as it is a sleep podcast. I do enjoy making it, but I do feel the need to also write about how I feel. So, in all honesty, I suppose this blog is just for me. I might as well make it private. Haha.
So, right now I am going to take Vin for a walk. It will be dark in a an hour and a half. By the way, I’m using my iPad to write this. I’m using google docs on google drive. I will then post it on to my website. I find it easier to use this keyboard, especially as the laptop is starting to fall apart. The E key on keyboard needs to be pressed about 3 times to actually work.
So, I’m off. See ya all later. Xx