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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I'm not sure if I mentioned or not.
I might have done, I might not have done. And if I didn't, then I should have done. But if I haven't, then I will now.
But if I already have, please accept my apologies for repeating myself. And if I have, if you have heard me say it before, please accept my apologies for repeating myself. So, I don't know what day it was, probably about three days ago, probably less.
I hit the 1 million mark on my stats. I feel I shouldn't say the word stats anymore. Anyway, I'm gonna.
So I've reached, well it's now 1,010,000. But it was 1,800,000 I think, about three days ago, or two and a half days, something like that. I forget.
I forget. And I guess I just wanted to say thank you to those of you that, well, I'm not really, I want to say thank you for those of you that are listening, because you're the only ones that are going to hear it. I want to thank those that are listening, but those that aren't listening, hate you, hate you.
It's like, they're not going to hear, are they? So, thank you, everyone. Since the 21st of November 2018, so it's about 16 months, it took me to reach a million. So here's to the next million, I guess.
I suppose that's the next time I need to mention it, when I reach 2 million, which will, I suppose, be before the end of the year. I don't know. It's hard to know, isn't it? There's no way I can't, I didn't know.
I don't know. 3, 3, 6, 9, 10, 3, what's 3 times by 10? 30. 30 times by 3. I mean, the very minimum, the very minimum of downloads and listens I get a month is 100,000.
It's usually more than that now, but it's a very bare minimum. So I'm definitely, I mean, what is it? April, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December. So, yeah, I should reach, it's nine months, should reach another million, but you know, I might not.
I will, but I might not. But I will, but I might not. I definitely will, but I might not.
You know, I'm not going to be cocky about it, but you know I'm going to. No, I'm not. I don't know.
I might, but I hope so. It just gives me a little buzz, I'll be honest with you. I don't drink alcohol.
I don't really do drugs. I don't do anything of any interest to give me a physical uplift really, other than this. So it's, it gives me a little buzz.
So that's all right, isn't it? It's not like I'm doing anyone any harm. Well, at least I hope not. But I nearly took a picture for you, or for those that like Andre, but I didn't, I couldn't be bothered to stand up because I'm a chair.
He's got a big, I'm sure I mentioned that I've been bubble wrapping, putting bubble, bubble, bubble wrap around my shed, my garden shed in my bedroom. You know, my studio, recording studio. And I got two big reels of bubble wrap delivered, put it out two or three days ago.
Everything's two or three days ago. You know what? I genuinely, genuinely didn't know what day it was the other day. I'm not even joking.
Not in a, there's occasionally I think, was it a Tuesday or Wednesday? I didn't know. Didn't have a clue what day it was. Didn't know if it was Monday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, Friday.
I didn't know, really didn't know. And there's something strange about the rest of the world living my kind of lifestyle. It's thrown me off a bit.
You know, it's, I don't know, it's like, you know, if you've got your own sort of special catchphrase, I don't know what it could be. Who'd like a biscuit, sailor? You know, that could be Tom. That's Tom.
Tom always says that when he walks in the room. Who'd like a biscuit, sailor? That's Tom. No one else says it.
So I feel like that was, like my catchphrase is, who'd like a biscuit, sailor? But now everybody's saying it. I'm going out and who'd like a biscuit, sailor? Neighbours, people in the garage, people on television, Prime Minister. Who'd like a biscuit, sailor? That's my impression of him.
Oh yeah, and that's the other impression. I wonder, I do wonder if the Prime Minister, after he recovers from his illness, will he, will it create any kind of compassion in him towards the, you know, the general public? I wonder. It might do, you know.
It's possible. I hope so. So I, I was going somewhere with that, I don't know.
I've decided I'm not going to watch any television. I'm not going to watch the news. I'm not going to listen to the radio.
I'm not going to look at any online news stuff until this rubbish is over. And all I'm going to do, I've got Netflix, I've got Amazon, I've got Now TV, I've got Britbox. So I've got online and YouTube, of course.
I've got all the streaming channels, the free ones as well as the ones that you have to pay for. Although I've got a few of them kind of pretty cheap. Britbox I've got for a month for free.
Now TV, I've got that for £1.99 for three months. So yeah, so I've got that. I'm not watching any television.
I'm not going to know what's going on in the world. And you know what? Don't care anymore. Done.
I'm done with it. It's been making me ill. It has.
I'll be honest with you, it's been making me ill. Not doing it no more. Can't take it.
So I don't have to. So I'll probably be in there self-isolating in December and everyone's like walking around. I won't know because no one's told me because I haven't watched the television or seen the news.
But you know, so let me know if it's still, you know, if you're in England and it's okay to go out again if you could perhaps like, you know, drop me a line. Just let me know. Send me a message because I ain't watching the news.
No, nothing. Zilch. And I'm an avid news watcher and I'm an avid listener to talk radio, which is, there's only one subject, every single radio show, one subject.
And it's not me. If it was me, I wouldn't mind, but it's not me. So, you know, I'm starting to miss Brexit.
That's when you know things are going bad when you start to miss, you know, anyone that lives in this country. You know what I mean? Basically the news this year, there's been three main topics. There's been a couple of other ones as well, but Weinstein and Prince Andrew and stuff.
The three main topics that were kind of constant, Brexit, then all the fires in Australia. I think also in Florida as well, I think. And then the floods that we had in England.
And I think floods in other countries as well. So all that stuff, that was like, that was the main news at the beginning of the year. And then it turned.
And I think it was, was it January the 31st or when Brexit came in? I forget. Or was it February? See, it's almost forgotten. I can't believe it.
I haven't got any energy to be racist anymore. It's terrible. I want to get back to being a bigot, but I can't because I'm being bombarded with all this stuff.
Oh dear. There was actually someone on the radio earlier, you know, when I used to listen to the radio and he was basically trying to be racist. He was trying to, but he couldn't quite get it out.
He couldn't quite do it. So he was saying, yeah, all this stuff and all these, you know, visiting other countries and other countries visiting us and all that kind of, you know, it was bound to happen eventually, wasn't it? And he just gave up. He's like, I don't care.
He said, I'll just see you later. He just couldn't be bothered. He couldn't even be bothered to be racist.
The passion of his life, being a small-minded bigot, he couldn't even be bothered to carry it through. He's just given up. Man, I just felt so sorry for him.
I wanted to give him a virtual hug. Don't worry, mate. You'll be able to hate again.
It'll be fine. This will all be over and you'll be able to go back to hating people for the colour of their skin and how they sound. Come on.
Come on, give us a big hug. Go on. Go on, say it back to me.
I can hate again. I will be able to hate again. Go on, say it.
I don't know. It just doesn't sound right anymore. No, go on.
But I have to believe it. I mean, it's what I live for. It's my whole life, hating.
The idea of not being able to hate people from other countries and people that have lived here probably longer than I have. I don't know how I'm going to get by. No, go on, give me a hug.
Come on. It's okay. Repeat after me.
I'm a counsellor. It's fine. Go on.
Ready? You ready? I will once again. I will once again hate others. Hate others.
Oh, you're right. It does feel nice. Oh, I feel that we can all come together again.
It's just, we need more of this love. You know, the love that you're sharing. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. So yeah, just remember, you will be able to be a despicable human being again. It'll be fine.
You just need to give it some time. Oh, thank you ever so much. It's all right.
Anytime. Anytime. I would just really like to help.
That's all. Oh, thank you. By the way.
Yeah. Well, I've noticed you've got a big nose. You're Jewish, are you? No, I don't know.
I don't think so. Oh, why? Well, I just, I felt that little bit of, your pep talk gave me a little bit of feeling of hatred. And I thought maybe I'd start hating you.
I thought, you know, I'll try it out. Test it. Because, you know, I'm not allowed to like Jew, Jews.
And even though I don't really know why, I've never met one, but, you know. And because, you know, I am a very big fan of Hitler. Because even though he, you know, if it had been alive, and he'd have actually won the war, I definitely would have been exterminated because I'm just trash.
And he didn't like people like me anyway. But apart from that, because I'd be no use to society. And by plus, you know, lack of brains and stuff.
But I, you know, I just thought maybe I could try out my hatred on you. Well, I'd rather you not, if you don't mind. Why? Well, I kind of was being sarcastic when I was, I didn't really mean it when that's what I said.
You didn't mean it? No, and I'm wondering why your voice is getting higher. Yeah, I was wondering about that. I think it's just to differentiate between your voice and my voice.
So the conversation flows a little bit better. Oh, yeah, it does make sense, actually. Yeah, because sometimes if you're talking the same voice, it gets a little bit confusing to follow it.
So you know who's talking, who's saying what, because when one person says something, and the other person says something, and if you don't know who's saying it, it might not make sense. Yeah, true, true. What, you seem to be putting a deeper voice on now.
I don't know what you mean. Well, not really. My voice, this has always been my voice.
No, it's definitely got deeper. No, don't, I think you're wrong. This is my normal voice.
No, I'm pretty, pretty, pretty sure your voice has got deeper. I don't think it's really, uh, any of your business, is it? Isn't it rude? Why? Why, why is it, why is it rude? Well, I thought you were my friend. Well, you're racist, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, I am.
Well, you're not my, you're not, you're no one's friend. Huh? What do you mean? Well, racist people don't have any friends. They're just scum.
Sorry to break it to you like that. What do you mean? Well, when you've got hate in your heart towards other people because of the colour of their skin, it means that you're not really, it's like less of, you're less of a person. You're not really a lovable person.
But I don't understand. I can juggle. You what? You what? I said I can juggle.
What are you doing with your voice? I'm trying to do what you're doing. Yeah, I think you're all deep now. It doesn't sound deep.
Yeah, well, not everyone's been blessed with the manliness that has been bestowed upon you. Now, that doesn't sound like something the song would say to me. Oh, yeah, it's the same person talking, isn't it? So, obviously, he's going to give himself compliments at times, isn't he? Who? Jason.
Oh, yeah, that bloke, yeah. I don't know about you. I think he intervenes too much into the conversations.
Yeah, I agree. Because we're trying to talk, aren't we? Yeah, yeah. And it's almost like he wants to say something nice about himself or put across some kind of political view.
And I don't think it's necessary. I agree. I agree with you totally.
I mean, I'll be honest with you. I still think I don't think racism is the way forward. It's very old fashioned, borderline superstitious patheticness, really.
It's ignorance, but also lack of... it's not lack of... it might be lack of education or the wrong education, to be fair. But I think it might be that you're not thinking for yourself. You're not really, you know, and also generalization, generalizing situations.
For example, can I just stop you there? Yeah. Thanks. Yeah, what? What? Oh, is that the old joke? Can I stop you and then just say nothing? You just wanted to stop me.
Well, it wasn't a joke. I just wanted to stop you. Yeah, very funny.
Well, in that case, why aren't you laughing? You know, you're really hard work. Well, so are you. Great comeback.
Well, you know, we can't all be superstar, magic, million miles an hour, quick-witted mavericks, can we? Well, I never said I was quick with whatever it was you just said. You can't even remember what I just said. That... why? That doesn't even make sense.
Why doesn't it make sense? Well, it's you just... you just said it. Just in a different voice. Like, can you forget what you just said, like, 10 seconds ago? Well, it's more than 10 seconds ago, isn't it now? It's got about 33 seconds ago.
Well, you're looking at a stopwatch, are you? Got yourself a new stopwatch. Well, you've been out jogging, have you? Been out doing some exercise? What, your daily exercise? You thought, oh, I get to go out once a day. I've got to do some exercise.
I know, I'll buy myself a stopwatch. Is it a big one? Is it pink? Do you show everybody when you're running? Or do you just walk really quickly and wiggle your arms? Yeah, like you're marching in a band. No, I don't do... I've not got a stopwatch.
Where did that all come from? I don't know. I just... just... just had a chocolate bar. A little bit of sugar rush.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. Anyway... What? I'm not racist. You just said you was earlier.
Yeah, that was just... that was messing about. It started off... but I'm not really. I'm just a character.
Oh, okay. What... what kind of character? Well, I'm not really sure because I've not formed it yet. It's kind of a new thing, really.
Okay. But hopefully it's boring enough to send people to sleep. And what that... well, I think the idea is I'll be the interesting one and you'll be the boring one.
Okay, well... Sorry? You think I'm the boring one? I mean, you think that I'm the boring... I'm not... Let me tell you something. I am not boring. Yeah, go on.
Well, that was it. Well, I'll be honest with you. If this was a court case, I don't think you'd win.
Well, it's not a court case, is it? And what's your obsession with court cases? Well, I think in order for something to be an obsession, it needs to be mentioned more than once. I'm talking about previous times. No, you can't prove that, can you? No, I can't.
I can't. I can't prove it. You're making me laugh now.
Why are you laughing? I don't know. I'm not sure. Oh, you are a silly Billy.
Yeah, thanks. So, basically, the point is I can't remember what the point was at the beginning because now you've thrown me off. I've thrown you off? Yeah, I would like to throw you off a bridge.
What was that? Oh, it's a new laugh I'm trying out. I'm just testing it. You're testing it? Yeah.
Did you like it? I'm not sure. Well, I'd do it again. Can you remember what it was? I'm not sure.
I think it was... In all, to be fair, it sounds like an asthma attack. Yeah, that's a bit rude though, isn't it? No, well, I don't mean it rudely but... Yeah, it's people with asthma. It's not funny.
I'm not making fun of asthma. I'm just saying it sounded like you were losing your breath or something. And that amuses you, does it? No, it doesn't amuse me.
Well, it seemed to do. What are you putting that voice on for? I don't know, just something to do, really. Okay.
I'm not really sure what to say next, are you? No, but then I never really do know what to say next, especially when I'm talking to someone who's really boring. That is rude. You can't just say that to someone's face.
I don't know what to say next and you say to them, oh, you know, neither do I, I never can when I'm talking to someone that's really boring. I mean, to be fair, it's quite a good line in a real conversation. But it's rude.
Yeah, well. What do you mean, yeah, well? Like you don't care? What's that? What was that? Hmm. Well, I kind of don't care, really.
Oh, okay. So should we, should we just stop? Stop? Stop what? Well, this, really. I mean, I can't see it, well it hasn't really gone anywhere, but I can't see it going anywhere now, can you? Not really.
I mean, other than wasting time, and that is kind of part of the podcast, I think. Oh, you know about the podcast, then? Well, yeah, we're on the podcast. Yeah, but you know about the, you know, about the stuff.
About the stuff. What are you talking about? Well, you know about the philosophy. I know what philosophy is.
No, I'm not talking about philosophy per se, per se. I'm talking about the ideology of this podcast. Um, the ideology.
Um, I'm not sure. Are you sure the word ideology is correct? No, I'm not sure, but I think philosophy, or the aim. Yeah, the aim.
Yeah, I suppose if you was a dance player, using words like the aim would come into, would be very apt. So you're trying to make out that there's a fake laugh, obviously. No, well, it wasn't very funny, was it? No, but laughing fakely when someone tells a joke, even if it's not very funny, it's a little bit cruel, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose.
But isn't that kind of the point? That you were trying to intentionally be cruel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's, that's a, that's a, that's a very sharp yes.
That's a very clear crisp yes. That was the intention. That was the philosophy, the philosophy behind what I was saying.
This, this really has got to be one of the weirdest, weirdest conversations I've had for some while. And I don't, is there any point us continuing it, really? I mean, we've talked about nothing. I think the first bit was quite good.
Yeah, I did quite like that. It seemed quite pertinent. Yeah, you mean, oh, yeah.
You don't know what pertinent means, do you? I, I might. Go on then, tell us. Tell us what? No, tell us, tell me what pertinent means.
It's, um, it's what you do to coffee, isn't it, before you drink it? No, that's percolation. Oh, in that case, it doesn't make sense what you said. Have you, did you not go to school? Yes, I went to school.
Yes, yes, yes. What are you doing? Are you trying to make a poem? Well, that's very weird. It's like you're trying to make a poem on the spot, but you couldn't.
And then you just gave up. You didn't even attempt. Like, two sentences and then just gave up.
No wonder you're single. What is, how can you connect the two things between me not saying a poem on the spot and me being single? Because you've got smelly feet. No, I haven't, but what, what, where's the connection between, okay, me having smelly feet and me not, me being single? Because they stink.
Like your attitude. Oi, you're annoying me now. I'm annoying you now? Well, right now, now, at this moment, I've started to annoy you.
Before this time, perfectly happy with the conversation, were you? But now, oh, don't mention me feet. That's it. Oh, now you're upset.
Yeah. My goodness. Why, why did you say my goodness? Like that, I'm testing it out.
It's another thing I'm testing. I'm thinking that I need a catchphrase. You know, like, what's his name from? Oh, it's, I was watching a thing, Mr. T. Mr. T's Fools or something, showing people doing silly things.
He was on telly earlier. And he used to say, and he still does, I pity the fool. I pity the fool.
And what's his stop? Stop bubbly doubling. Stop, stop wanking wonking. What's the word for talking? Stop jabber jabber jabbing, jabber jabber jabbing, jabber dabbing or something.
I pity the fool. I pity the fool. I can actually do an impression.
Really? Yeah. Of Mr. T, that is. Oh, go on then.
It's the same thing as what you said, but it's like, sounds like him. Oh. Your voice went a bit deeper then.
Yeah, I know. I forgot which voice I was doing. Oh, okay.
I thought I was you for a minute. Yeah, it often happens. So, there we go.
I pity the fool. No, sorry, I'm doing it in my voice. I pity the fool.
I pity the fool. Well, it's better than yours. But is it? I mean, really? Yeah, it's way better than your one.
Mmm, seriously though, I'm not sure. Yeah, it's better. Every single possible way.
Oh, I see what you did there. What? You did an impression of Kenny Everett. I do like to add a few old impressions from the past years.
Ones that some people have not even ever heard of, but I have from my childhood. Kenny Everett used to say there was a character. Was it the lady in the chair, wasn't it? Yeah, what was, do you remember her name? No, no, she used to, oh, he used to have these big, big boobies.
And he was dressed up as a woman, which in them days wasn't a lifestyle choice. And he did, he dressed up this big, false, well, I guess, I don't know, maybe he really did have big boobies. But he used to, what did he? Yeah, he used to.
I don't think that crossover worked very well, did it? No. Yeah, I think people could hear that it was the same person talking. We can't talk at the same time, can we? Why not? You know why not.
No, I don't. Say it out loud. No, I don't want to say it out loud, but we can't talk at the same time.
But I thought it might be worth attempting to try and do like a crossover from one to the other. But it is, I mean, I could do it with technology, obviously. I could put two conversations together easily.
But to do it live, you can't like talk over the other person. It's just impossible. What do you mean it's impossible? See, I just did it.
Yeah, but I'm not sure if it worked or not. It's hard to know whether it worked. That was just you finishing a sentence.
Anyway, how do you know what my sentence is going to be? I don't know how. Okay. It's like back and forth.
It's like the worst tennis game in history. It's like a tennis game between, you know, if you watch Wimbledon, in the old days when we used to have sporting events, or watching snooker, you can have a game that goes on forever. And the only two games that go on forever in tennis or snooker is those two games where it's between two brilliant people or two people that are really bad at the game.
A game of snooker can last for ages with two people that aren't very good. Or a game of pool as well. And I did this in a pub and I managed to, I actually got, I think I nearly got lynched, but I'm just, because people were waiting to play.
And I made the game last forever because I didn't want to lose. So I kept snookering. And the point of that story was what? I suppose there's no point to the story.
It was just a story. There's no point to anything that's said in this podcast. That is the point of it.
For it to not have any point. That's the point. Yeah, but what would you want from me? Well, nothing from you.
What do you mean? Well, just a thought. Just a thought of what? Just a thought of anything. Can you stop making those silly noises? You mean like this? That was just weird.
You know what that sound was? Ah, go on, tell me. That was you trying to get out of the bath. Because your whole body squeaks because you're so old.
You're determined to stick to that laugh, aren't you? Yeah. I'd like to try something out. I want to give it a go, you know.
Besides, you're not the only one I talk to. Really? Yeah. Well, well, no.
But, you know, it's a nice idea, isn't it? I'm not sure if I'd say nice, but it's an idea. Can we end the conversation, please? Yeah, I suppose. Love you.
What? Love you. Yeah, right. I love you too.
Love you more. Oi. Okay.
Love you to the moon and back. Well, how am I supposed to compete with that? I don't know. This would be over the top, wouldn't it? I mean, there's competitive and there's darn right selfish.
That's just wrong. Come on, stop. Stop getting dramatic.
You want drama, do you? You think this is dramatic? Oh, you ain't seen nothing. Okay, I love you. And I'll speak to you later on.
All right, then. Bye. Bye.
So, uh, I was, uh, I didn't go out today. I was, uh, I spent most of the day asleep, actually. I went out yesterday to the garage and I got some bits I needed to get.
It was toilet roll and stuff, but I stayed in. But I did take Andre out for a walk. And, um, he, yeah, I took him into the field for a little bit.
Because I've got, you know, I've got the extended, uh, what's it? The extended... I can't even know what it's called. Do you mean lead? I thought you'd gone. Oh, yeah, well, I thought I'd listen on.
See how you do without me. Yeah, I can do fine without you. Thanks.
See you later. Bye. You're still there, aren't you? No.
Can you please go away? I'm busy trying to make a podcast and I don't need your help. I don't know why I'm laughing, but I do not need your help. I know you're still there.
Oh, no, it's gone. Good. So, I decided I'm not going to watch any television.
I think I'll be working on a website. I'll just have a drink of Coke. That's what I need, more sugar and caffeine.
I haven't felt very well the last few days, but I am feeling better now. Um, I don't even know what day it is. Saturday.
It's Sunday now. Wow. Strange.
It's Sunday, I think. And so I went to apply for a job. Actually, I applied to the NHS, which is the National Health Service in England.
And I'm sure other countries have got similar things. You know, well, every country's got its own National Health Service. And, but some, it's done differently, isn't it? With insurance or you pay, you know, it's with us, it's free.
It's not free because everyone has to pay for it with taxes and stuff. National Insurance, or I don't know how they take the money from it. But it's, we were the first people, I think, in the whole world to have a National Health Service.
Free, free on, you know, I don't know, what was the right word? Free on purchase. Free on, I was going to say delivery. Maybe it is free on delivery.
Free at need. Free when you need it. But I know some places you have to pay or you have to have insurance.
You know, you have to sort of pay for your monthly insurance and stuff. So we're very lucky. We don't have the best health service in the world.
It's brilliant, but I think I say best as in the most, I feel like Germany is one of the top. Germany is one of the top of everything when it comes to precision. When it comes to the health service, the unemployment benefits, looking after, they look after their people in Germany.
Really, that's what I've come to believe. I mean, it wasn't always that way. But then it wasn't always that way for any country, was it? But France as well, I believe they've got a really good health service.
I imagine every country, most countries, the wealthy countries at least, have got a good health service because a doctor is a doctor, isn't it? I mean, once someone's trained as a doctor, there's going to be good doctors and not so good doctors, but that would be more on skill and, I guess, temperament and what they do when they're not at work because everyone's got their own lifestyle, but it could affect what they do at work. But I would have liked to have been a doctor, but a psychiatrist. I'd like to learn how to be a doctor, done all that stuff, physical stuff, and then moved straight into psychiatry, become a psychiatrist.
It's never going to happen. By the time I'd finished it, I'd be a pensioner. Can you imagine? I'm 49 now.
I'll be 50 in a couple of months. I'm expecting presents. I'm sorry.
I don't normally expect things, but I'm 50 in August. I deserve presents. Deserve.
I don't deserve anything, but it'd be nice. It dawned on me that earlier on, I was sitting at my table and I should have started a university course, a master's degree in positive psychology. I should have started, I applied, and it should have started in January, and it was going to be for, I think, 14 months.
I applied in the summer. The finances were given to me, so they said, you can have £10,000, and it will cover the cost of the course, and they'd just send it directly to the university. The funding was covered.
I thought that would be the hardest part. I was wrong. The university said no.
They said, no, we don't want you. By the way, if you can hear that, that's Andre Poon. Lovely background sound.
Good boy, Andre, well done. Thanks for your contribution. Now he's wiping his bum on the carpet.
Where did he learn that? Honestly, this has got to be the dirtiest carpet in history. Well, I do have a carpet cleaner, so every now and then I do clean it, and it changes colour dramatically. But I've almost given up on this carpet.
It needs, I need a new carpet. I need a nice, thick, soundproofed carpet, as thick as the skirting boards. But the chances, the chances of me getting that anytime soon are quite low.
But I'm working towards it. I want to. I really do.
By the way, there might be some background sounds. There's a bit of activity in the garden, I think. It's a bit boring.
People just drunk. Anyway, in a sense, I lucked out. I was quite lucky to have been turned down by this course, because what could it have been? Because they would have closed the university, as they have done every other school, university in the country, probably practically in the world.
So I'd have been getting into debt for 10 grand to be sitting on a computer, doing a home study, instead of actually meeting human beings and, you know, learning and making lifelong friends, possibly. And, you know, so no, if I'm going to get into debt for 10 grand, I want it to be for, I want it, I want to be there. I want to go to university, experience it, you know, be in a classroom or be in an auditorium or whatever sort of situation it is, be around other students of all ages and become don't know about an expert, but competent in whatever field I choose to study.
I nearly said discover, maybe discover is the right word. I mean, I do think sometimes maybe I could go for a master's in counselling, because they surely, no one can turn me down for that, can they? Got a degree in counselling. So if I did a master's in person-centred counselling, for example, I've got a diploma in person-centred counselling and a degree BA in counselling studies, but it was a third.
It wasn't a good enough mark for me to transfer it to do a master's. And I've tried a few times, different places, including the Open University, and they said, no, I tried to explain to them. It's not because of my, it wasn't my lack of, I don't know what the right word would be, it wasn't my, well, yeah, lack of academia, not that my academia is strong, your academia is strong, son.
I can feel it in you, your academia. I joined the university, I handed in most of my coursework late, like too late to get it marked. So it's capped at a 40, which is the bare minimum.
You know, anything under 40 is a fail. But what they do is when you hand it in late, and I did get extensions, and if you hand it in after the extension, it still gets marked, so you don't fail. If it's under, if the scores are under 40, then you, I think you probably get a chance to do it again.
I didn't fail any of my coursework the whole three years, I didn't fail anything. I didn't get top marks. Some people got ridiculously high marks.
But I was kind of average. And if I, every bit of coursework I did, I think I was on target for a second. So I was nowhere on the way for a first.
Pretty much anything, nothing I did in the third year would have given me a first. It was, it would have given, he actually sat, the man in charge, he sat me down and said, now listen here, JJ, I said, yeah, he said, yeah, well, you haven't really excelled in the last two years, but you've done enough to get a second. I said, oh, that's good.
But don't I need to finish the course first? He said, well, yes, of course, I'm talking about if you continue at the same level, you at now, and still continue to get the same level of grades, then you will easily hit a second, not a first, but a second. Never a first, but a second. But just clarify, not a first.
Okay, thanks. So I felt fairly confident in a way going into the third year. And I, you know, I was a bit unwell and different things.
I wanted to leave the course, and I got help from friends. I've mentioned that in the past. And so, but I ended up handing in all my work eventually, including the big dissertation at the end.
And I still got fairly good marks, but they were all late, all of them. So pretty much every bit of coursework in the third year was late. So they had no choice.
They couldn't fail me because I passed. But a third is kind of the lowest I think you can get. So they gave me a third.
But if I'd have handed all that stuff in on time, I'd have got a second. So it's a little bit frustrating. But the colleges or the universities that I applied for the masters, they don't seem to take that into consideration.
And I write it down. I write down the story. Maybe, maybe they don't have enough time to read it.
Well, you do go on a bit, don't you? I thought you'd gone. Nah, I'm always here. Always here.
Always here. Carry on. Oh, thanks.
Not in the slightest bit annoyed. And I, where was I? Yeah, so I handed in. The weird thing about it is I, when I was doing the dissertation, I started to enjoy it.
And I realised that I could have actually done a really, I don't know, a really good but quite a good piece of work had I put any kind of energy or effort into it. And I didn't put a huge amount of effort into any of the coursework that I did. And basically because I was focusing on learning to be a counsellor.
Practically, I was into the practical side. And I was reading books. I was studying.
And I was listening to what was, you know, going on in the classroom and stuff. And I was, I went into the university degree already having read quite a few counselling books. I've been reading counselling books since the late 90s.
And I went to university in November 2007. So, you know, I was, I had a bunch of books of Carl, Carl Rogers, Fritz Perls. Who else? I suppose some of the CBT people.
I've got a bunch over there still. But I even had like, I think it was Counselling for Toads. It's a book I bought in the late 90s, you know.
So, 99 or something. So I've read counselling books. Didn't mean I knew what it was about really.
But I had an idea. You know, I didn't, from a practical perspective, I didn't really. I suppose I kind of understood the, I understood it intellectually, kind of.
And I didn't know as much as I thought I knew. And I learned a lot from the course. You know, in classroom and as well as in practical.
But I could have got, definitely if I'd handed my stuff in on time, I would have got a better mark. I'd have got a second and I'd have had a master's by now probably. Or I would have been on that course and I'd be sitting here looking at a computer screen doing the course online.
And thinking, this is rubbish. Because I like doing stuff online. And like courses and stuff is good.
But I'm not the best communicator online as far as writing, texting. I don't reply to texts unless they're very timely, very short. If I've got a text that's really long, I don't even read it, even if it's from a family member.
Sometimes I go back to it and I better have a look at this. Make sure there's no emergency. But I can't.
And it's also the message. I don't get many really long messages. And if the message starts out, I really like what you do and I'll read it because it gives me a boost.
But I do read messages from my website. I'll be honest, I do. Or that have been sent to my email address and stuff.
Although I think I've taken, I'm not even sure if my email address is on my website, I don't know. But I do give it out quite often. Or if there's something posted on Facebook, on my Facebook, you know, I read that.
Whereas someone sent me an email, a Facebook message the other day saying, can you do me a, oh, can you do me a favour and I just stopped reading. And I was about to go to bed and I thought, no. I do enough.
I don't offer that service. I don't offer, don't offer favours. I do enough.
I'm quite happy with my level of doing for other people. I'm at peace with myself. I really am.
And then the next day I thought, I better just check it out. And then just one of those random, press here and forward it to your friends. And I was like, no, thank you very much.
Goodbye. Take care. Go away.
So I didn't bother with that. I never do. I just don't, I can't be bothered.
Part of the reason is because my Facebook page is already full up with my posts. You know, some days I post four, four, four recordings on there. I don't want to start posting other stuff.
Generally, you know, I've got, it's not filling other people's feeds. It's all again is, you know, my stuff coming up. And so I try and minimise what I put on Facebook and Twitter to just what I do.
Just the recordings. The occasional picture of Andre. Although I'd like to put more because, yeah, because he's beautiful.
But, yeah, I suppose I'm not really on Facebook as a social thing. Never was really. But along the line, along the way, I've kind of met people.
And not in person. But generally don't have friends on there that I know in real life. Because there's no point.
There's a couple, a couple of kind of snuck in there and they're hidden. But I don't have family or friends, generally. So you won't, there's a few people that say surnames to me on my Facebook page, friends, but you won't find anyone that's related to me on my Facebook.
Because it's nice to have a bit of privacy, isn't it, you know? They don't live anywhere near me. They live in different towns, different parts of the country. So, you know, I like to keep that separate.
And that's annoyed some people. I've got a couple of people that have different surnames. So that might be family members, they might not.
And that's all right. But I've got no one with the same surname as me. Apart from the ones that do have.
And there's quite a few. But they're, I don't know quite how it happened. There's quite a few people from Africa, Jamaica.
And at one point I got continuously, not bombarded, because that's not the right word, but I had quite a few friend requests from people. And they all had the same surname as mine. And I started thinking, what's going on here? Have I got a family that I don't know about? Obviously, we've all got family we don't know about, probably, haven't we? But ancestors and, use the old-fashioned term, illegitimate children.
You know, we might all have brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts. And, you know, that we're never even going to know about. Maybe living in other countries.
We don't know, do we? We don't know what's happened. It's easy enough to do. I broke it down to, I might have one child out there.
I thought I might have two. But one of my ex-girlfriends contacted me a couple of years back. And I asked her.
And she said, it was quite weird, actually. Because she said to me, her reply was, no. She said that I didn't, first we said, no, I've got two children.
I said, I just want to check. Because she said to me, the last time I saw her in 1993, I think, 94, 93. She thought she was pregnant.
And then I left the country. Ran, I ran across the ocean. And I didn't, I just lost contact.
I did try. I'm laughing as I say, I genuinely did try. She was a nurse working in a different part of the country.
We'd met in London. She'd moved away to be a student nurse. And I genuinely did try and get in contact with her.
But I don't know if she was just ignoring my calls or what. But I just lost contact. She moved out of the nurse's home.
She went and lived in private accommodation. Couldn't get hold of her. And didn't have mobile phones then.
There was no internet. She wasn't in the phone book. So I just, yeah, just had to give up.
I didn't have to give up, but I did. And that's when I said it was, it's one of the, my child. And she said, the first thing she said, which was a little bit annoying.
She said, no, they're both black. I said, what? She said, no, they're both, they're both black. I said, yeah, so? She said, well, my husband's black.
I said, yeah, so are you. I'm white. We could have had a black baby or a white baby, or if you want to give them colours, you know? Yeah, she's like, had a real attitude on her.
I said, look, I don't care about that. All I want to know is, do I have a child with you? Because, I said, you're going to be an adult now. And I don't think there's any rules where I have to pay any child maintenance.
I wanted to wait, you know, until the, I didn't have to pay any money out. I'm joking. And she said, no, I had my baby in like late 90s or something.
Her kids are in late 90s or 90, 96, 95, 96. By the way, she just said that, no, no children are black. I don't know what she expected.
Sort of, what did she expect, albino children from me? I don't know, but she's from Trinidad. And I'm, I'm pink at best, you know what I mean? I'm not even white really, I'm pink. I've kind of got, I don't know if I've got Irish skin or not.
It's, you know, because I've got Irish heritage. But also I think I've got sort of some Italian or Spanish as well from my mum's side. So I'm quite pale, not on my face, but my hair, I don't know.
But it's just like, it was almost like she said it like, well, I wouldn't, why would I care? Why would I care? I wouldn't care. I mean, how pathetic would that be? Imagine my girlfriend's black. I have a baby and the baby comes out black.
I can't believe it. Oh, I can't believe the baby's black. Like, really? Well, it's just like, if you have a baby with a superhero that can fly, there's a chance that that baby's going to be able to fly, isn't it? Or it might just be bumpy.
You might just be able to jump really well and then just land and down, not actually fly, but, you know, half fly. But either way, if the baby can fly or not fly, it doesn't matter. It's still your baby, isn't it? You know, interracial relationships are very much like being with a superhero.
Oh, dear. Even words like interracial, oh, come on. What were we in the 50s? No, you're 49.
No, I don't mean generically, renalically, genetically, genealogy wise. Oh, man. Oh, man alive.
I just like women. I don't care. Really, I don't care if they're tall, short, little, big.
You know, I don't know, I don't get bothered, really. It's ultimately, it's about how much money they have. It's, you know, that's the main thing.
It's, you know, I mean, it used to be a time when I was very, you know, perhaps I was a bit shallow. It will be about looks, but it really is about finances now. It's, although I don't want to date someone that looks like me.
Otherwise, I might as well just drill a hole in the mirror. You know, there should be no point. I don't, I'm not, I don't find myself, I don't look in the mirror and think, you know what? If I was gay, I would.
You know, I'm not looking at myself like that. I think, in fact, I wish I was gay. I definitely would.
Because I don't, I don't think, I don't think, nah, I don't think that way about myself. Sometimes, at a right angle, not a right angle as in like circumference, but sometimes I think, oh, I'm passable. I could just about pass as a human.
Just about. Tick a few of the boxes. Smile's all right.
Still got most of my own teeth. Facially, I don't know what else. I don't know.
I've still got hair. Not that there's a problem with people that don't have hair, because I'm not prejudiced against such people, because I shave my head quite often. So I'm very comfortable with baldness.
But the back of my head is definitely thinning a bit, which has surprised me. Because I can actually, it's quite weird. If I wave my hand backwards and forwards near the back of my head, I could feel the breeze hitting my scalp.
That shouldn't happen. I suppose the whole activity shouldn't really happen. I shouldn't just be sitting there waving my head, my hand above my head.
That's a strange thing to do. It's not, not even a hobby, is it? It's just, just weird. But I do sometimes look in the mirror and think, is it just the belly? If the belly was reduced, would I be, as a politician's like to say, fit for purpose? There's got to be more to it, hasn't there? I do think, though, if I could physically match how I sound, just based on what other people tell me about how I sound, and I've been told for years and years and years on the phone and stuff, I think I'd do quite well.
I think I'd be, I'd have sort of had quite a lot of success, but maybe met someone, you know, maybe got to kiss someone once. But even though I sound the same in person, when you see me, I think all you kind of hear is like a troll. So I look like a bit like a troll.
So when I sort of say, you say, oh, you're going to come and say hello, and you meet me, and I'll, are you Jason? I love your podcast. I'll say, yes, I'm Jason. And it just, it'll just, that's how I sound in real life.
Because the way I look. And, you know, someone once said about my hair, they said, it's like the Medusa, but with worms, you know, instead of snakes, little worms just wiggling around. And I was like, oh, thanks.
Can I just get my coffee, please? And some people are very personal, very personal, personable, person-able, able, and, you know, yeah, that's it, really. It's a long way to Tipperary, a long way, I say. I was thinking of learning to play the ukulele, but it's still on top of my bookcase.
And I didn't take any medication the day before yesterday. I took it last night. Well, I took it tonight.
I took it three hours ago. And don't worry, it's not, it doesn't make me weird. It just, not last night, no, I took it about 10 o'clock.
And it's now four o'clock, or 5.03. And I do feel the difference is, I felt I was going down, like, it's, yeah, so no television. Join me, my fellow travellers. The only thing is, there's a degree of needing to know what's going on.
But what I might do is possibly go and buy a paper, because a paper is a necessity. And if they say, you know, if you please pull me up while you go, go to buy a paper, because I need to be aware of how I can annoy the police. So, okay.
And so that's what I might do. Plus, that could be my everyday exercise. Walk all the way up to the shop, get a paper, get some milk, get bread, get whatever I need, and then come all the way back, take Andre with me.
Or maybe just do it every few days. I mean, but I do need to get out every day anyway. Apparently, my friend, well, not apparently, he told me he went into town and went through the park.
Park was full of people. Like full, like a normal sort of Saturday afternoon park. It's like, wow.
And you know what? I never, I never understood it before. Till today. I now understand the human, the need for human contact.
I don't generally have it. Because I've always been a solitary person. It's just how I am.
And I remember someone, a therapist or, no, it was a care worker who was going to be, I didn't really get on with her. She was going to be coming out with me and stuff because I don't go out much. They kind of put me with her and said, maybe you could go out and she could go swimming or something like that with her.
And when I was talking to her, she said, I was trying to explain, she said, you just don't like people, you hate people. I didn't correct her, but I don't hate people. I really don't.
Why would I be doing this if I hated people? I don't hate anyone. Not really. There's a couple of people that I really, I don't hate them as long as I ain't got to see them.
That's how I am with people. Some people I just don't like seeing. But generally, I'm okay.
I can't be bothered. Imagine carrying around hate in your heart. What's the point? There's no point.
There isn't, you know. My heart's busy squirting blood around my body. You know, it's busy doing other things.
It doesn't need, there's no room for hate. There's no point. It's just not logical.
But I don't need, I don't have that regular need to be having physical contact. And I don't particularly like talking on the phone anymore. I think basically if you work in a call center, well me, I worked in a call center for many years.
Talking on the phone was something that I did very naturally. It came naturally to me. But at the same time, I wore it out.
I think the talent, it's not really a talent, but it's a skill I suppose, of being able to talk on the phone and communicate and get in touch with a person, build rapport really quickly with the other person regardless of where they're from, what accent they have, you know, what kind of voice they have, the speed of their voice, you know. Being able to just adapt. To be at the point now where I just don't, I don't really like talking on the phone.
There's a few people that are too important for me not to talk on the phone, if that makes sense. You know, like family, I'll always, my friend in Ireland, and a couple of people, I've got my friend who lives here, but I'll talk to him on the phone, it's like literally, you know, on a normal situation, like you're coming out. Can you come out to play? You know, should we take the boys out for a walk, or should we go to the garage, or, you know, or, you know, come up for coffee or whatever.
But I think once we were talking, we realised we'd talked for about 20 minutes, and I said, what are we doing? You only live downstairs. And he said, yeah, I know, what are we doing talking on the phone? And then we just hung up and never spoke again. That was 10 years ago.
I don't know what happened to him. So yeah, I've, yeah, it's weird, really, because I do get on with people, generally. I quite like being around younger people.
I didn't realise until recently, there's something quite nice about, maybe it's the energy, maybe it's, part of me feels old, older, but part of me feels a bit younger. Because I think I'm a little, I think I'm a bit of a younger spirit than perhaps my age. And that might be partly because I haven't had the responsibilities that a lot of people have had of my age.
I've never got married. I've never had children. I've never had to deal with any kind of serious adult.
I have, but not concerning family. I've never had that kind of family stuff that can really, you know, can age you a little bit. And it's, you know, I've missed out on a lot of beautiful things.
I know I joke about sometimes how horrible it'd be to have kids. But I'm joking. It's like one of the, sometimes I'm joking, but, you know, it's one of the most beautiful things in the world.
And, you know, I've got Andre. You think, imagine how wonderful I would be as a dad. How much I love him.
Imagine how much I'd love a little human. You know, that's what I'm thinking, like, you know what? I'm too old now. Imagine if I got a girlfriend and she got pregnant.
And so I met her before I was 50. Call me if you're out there. And she got pregnant.
She had a baby in nine months. So let's say I meet her by August. So September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May.
So May next year, she'd have a baby. So I'll be 50 when she's, when the baby's born. So when that baby's my age, I'll be 99.
See, it's hard to think about, isn't it? I'll be 99, 99. I mean, my dad is 74, 75, something like that. I think he was 25 when I was born.
So I think he's 74 or 74. I don't know. I think he was 25 when I was born.
So work it out. I'm 49 now. It's birthday soon, actually.
I need to think about getting him a card and a present. I'm not actually going to get him a card or present, but I will be thinking about it. Because, you know, after all, we've all grown up to think it's the thought that counts.
That's not going to wash. Oh, Dad, I just want to let you know, I was thinking about buying you a bottle of whiskey and sending it to you in the post. You know, that's good enough, isn't it? That's good as actually doing it, isn't it, Dad? Dad? Dad? He'd never talk to me again.
If I didn't send him a present, that would be it. He'd be so unhappy with me. I'd have to send him, he loves whiskey, scotch.
So that's what I'm going to do for his birthday. Can't visit him, of course, because it's only his birthday is a couple of weeks, I think. So I'm going to send him like a really nice boxed bottle of scotch in the post.
I don't know, Amazon, I suppose. I don't know. And then send him a card as well.
But he'll be happy. If it's a bottle of scotch, he's happy. He just loves scotch.
He's a connoisseur. He's a connoisseur. I mean, genuinely, he travels.
He's traveled around the world visiting distilleries that make whiskey. I mean, you could say he's an alcoholic, but he's not a traveling alcoholic. But he's not.
He is. He is. But he travels.
He's been to Scotland. He's been to places where they actually make the Glenfinnick, is it? And places like that. He loves single malt scotch.
Loves it. And I feel I've only ever got drunk with him once. And that was when I lived with him for a while when I was 18.
We both had... I was drinking scotch as well because I wanted to... I just wanted to be like it. Well, not be like him, but I wanted to be a man, I suppose. I didn't realize that I wasn't a man.
Being 18 doesn't make you a man. And age isn't what does it, is it? It's... I'm still not sure. I'm still waiting to become a man, I think.
But I had this scotch and I just like... I was drinking it. I didn't like it. And I think it might be one of those things that you need to keep doing to the point where you do like it.
A bit like long life milk. You know, I moved into a place in... to my cousin's place in London. And she had long life milk in the fridge, not fresh milk.
I mean, long life milk does go off once it's opened. But it has a long expiry date on the pack. The good thing is you can just put one in the fridge when you need it and you haven't got to go to the shop.
We do have to go to the shop to get them in the first place. Anyway... Oh man, it was... It was disgusting. Honestly.
It was... It really was... I can't imagine, but I'm imagining this almost like... Swapping over from real milk to that. It was like telling someone, trying to get someone off coke. You know, cocaine.
Start sniffing some sand, see how that goes. But no, it's, you know, it's just... Anyway, eventually I got to the point where I couldn't have tea or coffee with normal milk. It had to have the long life milk.
So maybe drinking scotch is like that, but nothing like it. Apart from the getting used to it part, I mean. I do wonder because drinking... I don't really... I don't drink alcohol.
I got offered some alcohol earlier this evening, last night. And I was like, no, I don't drink. There's not one part of me who wants to actually take alcohol.
There's not really hardly any part of me who wants to do drugs. Doesn't... I don't really want to do anything. Just not do anything, but I'm not really... You know, I'll drink coke.
Coke cans of coke. I do eat chocolate. But I don't know.
Just the alcohol just doesn't really... I don't know why. I was really dependent on it for years and years and years. Not addicted, but dependent.
That's a different thing, I think. I kind of self-medicated using it for quite a few years. But now nothing, just... I've gone back to that point of probably pre-pubescent, sort of, where I just don't like the taste.
Like, ugh, that's horrible. Ugh. I've got to break through that seal of the disgusting taste of lager to get to the point where I can drink again.
However, if I go somewhere public, alcohol's easy. I can drink alcohol very easily. You ask a local supermarket manager.
I'm right in those fridges, opening cans, having a drink. Swilling away, chucking the cans on the floor, pinching and slipping over. I'm very well-known.
And it's strange, you know. So if I go to a... I couldn't go to a wedding without drinking. I don't think it's possible for me to go to a wedding without having something.
It is literally a crutch to get me through it. Because things with weddings is... I know they're not allowed anymore. You know, I've done it for... Do you remember weddings? And... Do you remember people? Do you remember? The... It was... There's always a lot of people that I've never met before.
And I don't know. I like... I didn't mind crowds in a comedy club. I didn't mind crowds when I was working somewhere.
And they were, you know... And I was working. Because I'll happily walk through a crowd of hundreds of people. Excuse me, excuse me, let me get through.
And collect glasses or move tables or ask someone to move or whatever. I'm quite happy to... Or in the past, been able to do that. So, in a sense, I'd have felt more at home had I been one of the members of staff at the wedding.
Just one of the hotel workers. I'd have probably enjoyed it more, to be fair. Which is weird, but it's probably true.
If I'd have been there taking out the dinners to people. You know, setting the tables up, putting out the bottles of wine. I probably would have had more fun than just sitting around waiting and listening to some ceremony.
Some outdated, superstitious... I'm just joking. Maybe. Anyway, I think I've definitely done enough for this recording today.
I'm gonna go now. So, thank you for listening. Hopefully, you've fallen asleep because I've made it nice and long.
Nice, long, boring recording. So, take care. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.
Do something nice to yourself today or tomorrow. Or today and tomorrow. I'll speak to you next time.
Lots of love. Bye.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.