Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. This thing here that we're now doing is called Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Only listen or watch this session if you can safely close your eyes. And I use the word "watch" as well as "listen" there, as you may have noticed. You may be thinking, how can I watch a voice? I also upload these sessions as videos on YouTube — that's what I meant. That was a really interesting explanation.

So, the point behind these seemingly regular sessions — recordings, talks, whatever you wish to call them — it's just me talking. And what you'll notice is, when you listen to me every day, something starts to happen. Maybe you've already noticed it. You experience a sense of tiredness when you hear my voice, as if the feeling you last had — the sensation of, let's use the word boredom — that you had the last time you listened to me, maybe yesterday, is now connected to this session. And in a way, for that to happen, it allows you to enjoy the background sounds of what sounds like Bigfoot opening and closing the garden gate.

And maybe I'm wrong, but I imagine Bigfoot — or the Abominable Snowman, or the Easter Bunny, whatever you call him, E.T., Crocodile Dundee, Gandhi, whatever you call — I imagine that Bigfoot would be rather clumsy when walking around the garden. Standing on plant pots. I don't know, just have that in my mind.

We actually had one of my neighbours contact the council and complain that people were walking through from the other part of the estate — the housing estate — through our bit, through our garden. So the council put up a fence and a gate. The neighbour was in the garden bragging — I think he felt very proud. The way he was talking, I think it might have been one of his main accomplishments. He seemed very pleased. Anyway, he said, "Oh, that'll now stop all those young men walking through our shared garden." I'm not sure if he did the laugh like that. But I do recall he looked up into the sky. I was waiting for him to say something else, but nothing else happened. He just looked at the sky, and I thought maybe he can see things that I can't see — he's got some kind of special powers. It turned out, I spoke to his wife a few months later, he had an issue with his neck and was trying to stretch it.

Anyway, he said, "Oh, that fence, that gate — that'll stop people from walking through now." I said, "Yeah, it will — unless..." And he looked at me with a slight degree of confusion. I said, "Yeah, it'll stop those walking through our garden, unless they know how to use a gate handle. If they know how to press down on the handle of the fence gate, they'll be able to open the gate." And he looked at me a little bit like someone would look at you if you were in a nuclear bunker after a nuclear war — you're down there with all your stocks, all prepared — and someone looks at you and says, "What do you mean you didn't pack a tin opener?"

What would someone do? If you were in a dinghy — a life raft — and you had enough food to last you as long as you needed, but unfortunately it was all tinned food and it was sinking the dinghy. Of course it'd be not ideal if you had no tin opener. But what if you did have a tin opener? What do you do — do you chuck the tin overboard, or do you open the tin, eat the contents, and then chuck the empty tin overboard? If you forget the environmental guilt you're supposed to feel when putting tins into the sea — of course we're talking about an emergency situation, not a hobby. Not just rowing out to the middle of the ocean and chucking empty tins in, laughing like a Bond villain. None of that stuff. So would you eat the contents of the tin, knowing that on one side you've eaten — which is what you need to do — but on the other side, the weight of that content is now inside you? That was an example of some of the boring stories that I will be telling over time.

You know, whenever I hear the words "over time", I start thinking of that Stevie Wonder song, Overjoyed. "It was over time I've been building my castle of love just for two, so you never knew you were my reason. I've gone much too far for you now to say..." I forget the rest of it. I guess it doesn't really matter.

I don't know how much of this you're listening to, or how much you just... you know, sometimes I wonder — especially for the sleep sessions — if it wasn't for my intention just to talk and talk and talk and talk, boring conversation after boring sentence. Then for someone listening to this from an interested perspective, thinking it was going to be educational — imagine how disappointed they'd be. Thinking it was going to be a really invigorating, dramatic audio play, and then hearing me talking on and on and on.

And there are benefits to being as boring as me, other than it being funny when people just start to glaze over when I'm talking. Because I can talk and talk and talk on and on and on — this is my superpower. I can do this for hours and hours. And there are only four things — five things, maybe six — that could get in the way of this. Let me take you through all six in detail.

First of all, this recording — because I am using a digital pocket studio from Tascam. And I've just realised, as I started preparing this recording about 25 minutes ago — wherever, not wherever, whenever — wherever was here in my bed — that Andre's been rubbing himself over the surface of the recording studio. I won't go into details, but I think he's been cheating on his girlfriend with my Portastudio. But with the studio, if it runs out of space, then I wouldn't be able to keep recording on and on. I think there's probably enough space for about 90 minutes. I'm not sure — I've never attempted to go much over an hour.

The other thing that could get in the way of me doing an endless session is eating. I suppose I could eat at the same time as recording this, but it would sound like I was eating. And not everybody enjoys the sound of me eating. For example, I once had a lady on YouTube — I was recording a session and I was a little bit unwell. I had a cough and I was drinking water just to keep my throat lovely and clear. Unlike now, where it's all rough — a bit like an overgrown hedge, a chicken with tonsillitis, you know, whatever. I had a bit of a rough throat, so I was drinking water, and this lady wrote a comment saying she really didn't like the sound of people drinking water. And I thought, well, I made a video — it was a long video, about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. And she was moaning about me drinking water, which even on a good day, when my throat feels like an angel's back — smooth — I would still probably need a drink of water if I was talking for that long.

Anyway, she didn't like hearing the water being drunk in her presence — well, technically on video. I could understand if maybe I had a really bad cold and was drinking water but struggling to breathe at the same time, and lots of green snot and bogeys — like a big snot bubble coming out of my nose while I was trying to drink the water. I could understand if that was a little bit much to watch. But no such things were caught on camera that day. It was just me drinking water.

But another thing, other than running out of space on the recording studio, maybe needing to drink, but also needing to eat — it's not a case of just saying, "Well, I'm going to sit up in my bed for the next six hours and drink whatever water I've got beside me, then maybe eat a sandwich I prepared earlier." It would be very uncomfortable. Unwrapping the sandwiches, the food would be a little bit plastic-baggy — just not really what I want for our relationship.

So here we go. And I really could just drift off into a really, really deep sleep. This is the point where I feel so tired. And I wonder how you're feeling now. I'm feeling a real sense of calmness — a real, real sense of calm. And I do believe that this Let Me Bore You To Sleep session is coming to an end. Speak to you — or should I say, I will speak at you — next time. Bye.